valis2: Stone lion face (Drawn lion)
Finally went outside for the first time in...a week? week and a half? just a minute ago to brush the car off. It looks so abandoned. Actually, I'm surprised it started at all.

Still not feeling 100%, but I really can't miss any more work, honestly. Now if I can just figure out how to fit in all of my christmas shopping...

And I forgot to mention this fanfiction called The Assassin and the Spy. It contains many memorable lines, including:

  • Summary: Hermione is the world's best female assassin and her partner is a guy named Seth, but his assassin name is Crow and Hermione's is Raven. Hermione goes back the Hogworts different she has been a muggle assassin since the summer before her 6th year. She is tired of hidding who she is from her parents and the people at Hogworts. She is not going to tell them that she is an assassin but she is going to be more like the ass kicking girl she truely is.

  • “Do you know why I’m here?” silence, “of course you do, I’m here because you have been selling big guns to very bad people.” She whispered into the room.

  • “Mr. Lusson, the main hits are mine, you are mine. Do not mistake me for some trophy that Crow just brings along because I look pretty. Tonight you will die by my hand, and I will take great pleasure in knowing that I’m going to be the last person you ever hear, see,” she ran a finger down his neck, “feel.” She drew a small dagger from her hair which was now turned loose by the lose of it.

  • “It’s done.” she said to him. Her black hair up in the bun black tribal tattoo on her face, leather black corset and pants with stiletto black lace up boots. You could see her two tribal tats on her shoulder blades and could just see a faint hint of the one on her lower left hip. “Number 417, did you get his wife and daughter okay?”

  • She knew that in the morning she would have to go back to her fake life, pretend that she wasn’t a killer. That by night she didn’t kill bad people, tomorrow she would go back to being the bookworm, go back to covering up her tattoos so her parents didn’t see them. Go back to being a witch, which she didn’t mind at all, she only minded the fact that she was the world’s best female assassin during the night; and plain old Hermione Granger during the day.

I have to say that, were I at this moment currently fourteen years old, I very easily could have been the author of this. I'm not exaggerating. *laughs*

Oh, and one of her tattoos is actually a stick-on. She washes it off later. Same with her friend Seth/Crow. That made me giggle, thinking of hardened killers in a bathroom washing off tattoos.
valis2: Stone lion face (Sanmarcolion3)
I've been working my way through search engines, plugging in phrases about Severus and hurt/comfort, in order to find more fics.

So far my mind has boggled more than once.



What is going on with Firefox? This is really getting to me. It won't let me cut and paste text, it cuts and pastes as a link, with all relevant HTML coding. Nice, but I want to paste the text! Strange. And irritating.
valis2: Stone lion face (aggressive)
I am trying to find a fic on ffnet (yes, yes, I know, it's useless, but I have to try) and I came across a title in the HP section:

BECOME A POET!

Intrigued, I clicked on the link to the "story" and found this fascinating offer:

AUTHOR NOTE: This is not a story but a request for great poets.

So do you have a poem? Want it on the web? E-mail me your poem at and I will post your poem on the web under your name. The site it would be posted at is will be no stealing of poetry.


I wonder how many bits of the ToS it violates.

rofl! Somebody send that girl some Shakespeare.

And someone has already "reviewed", wondering if the author wants HP poetry or just poetry in general.

ETA: Another "masterpiece" on ffnet has an author's note that contains the line: I was bored. And I feel like I’m plagiarizing, ‘cause this really reminds me of something I’ve read, but I can’t for the life of me remember what.

Oh, wow.

Aug. 9th, 2005 07:57 pm
valis2: Stone lion face (Gatlinburglion)
I was googling "valis2" (idea gacked from [livejournal.com profile] violet_quill and came up with the usual suspects; videogame stuff, PKD stuff, Japanese videogame pages, and this one music group/album thing.

But there's something new.

An author site with "valis2" in the address. Apparently this is one of those sites that new authors try to put together to interest people in their work. Here is a page of her work. And a small sampling:

It was the fight of a rose against a hypodermic needle.
"Alison, put the syringe down, please."
The young woman stopped her right hand that held the hypodermic needle heading for her left forearm. The thing that made her look older. She was actually 26. Anybody would guess 10 years more.
"Alison, do you hear me?"
The young woman stared into space, like she saw something that reminded her of her forgotten thoughts.
"Alison, throw that terrible thing away, please."

Two worlds struggled, fighted for her favour. Her physical body pleaded for the drug, but her soul longed for the accepting love offered by Peter. How long had her heart been tortured by the lack of human feelings! She had felt like a soulless puppet. Suddenly she was able to feel not only a desire for giving love, but a chance to fill up her soul with a hope for getting missing love.


I know this will ruin all of the suspense for everyone, but the rose wins, people.

Who wouldn't want to hope for getting missing love?
valis2: Stone lion face (aggressive)
I have been howling with laughter about it all morning. I discovered it last night and bookmarked it.

It is...and I am not making this up...a HP crossover with Super Mario Brothers.

No, really.

ahhahaha!!!!

Right here.

Some highlights...

Bowser pressed eight buttons a brown one a green one a red one an orange one three yellow one’s and a purple one labeled: snacks Koopa Kid looked at Bowser strangely “What I’m hungry,” Bowser said defensively “Oh” was all Koopa Kid said. There was a bright flash of light and Bowser and Koopa Kid were gone.

More? do you think you can stand it? I promise that HP will be involved...you'll hear about the Double Dark Lords of Despair...you want to click the link...the jolly, candy-like link... )
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
...will laugh at this summary from [livejournal.com profile] mctabby's current Summary Executions:

An Earth Mother, An Ice Prince...such is a combination not many would piece together, yet the oldest power of all time has seen fit to do such, and you cannot temp the will of Mother Nature. Nor, can you change it. And so goes the beginnings of this story

Another poor writer succumbs to the Earthmother!

ETA: I knew I was posting this too soon. This is hysterical:

Hermione: Daughter of the ruler over a dessert clan who is adventurous and will do anything for her people. Even steel from the palace kitchen . . . and get caught . . . Draco: Future ruler of Egypt. A brat, self centered, and sought after by many women.

I am now imagining the Dessert Clan, with their brazen ice-cream-sundae standards, bon-bons emblazoned on their shields, grabbing hot steel spoons from the house-elves, only to be stopped by McGonagall in the hallway.

AAAAH!:

Meet Addie Sennik. (She isn't very fond of hats anymore). What will happen at Hogwarts this year? Bad summary, better story.

I am crying. No, really. This is hysterical.

ETAA: haha! I am experimenting with a new program for music downloads, just got it, called Connect or something like that, it's affiliated with Sony.

I had ten free downloads, so I downloaded them, and was just listening to a-ha's "The Sun Always Shines on TV". No problem, right? When the song is done, I'll just pick something else to listen to.

The evil program, without warning, began to play the Alan Rickman-reading-a-Shakespearean-Sonnet-meltfest track, and I nearly had an absolutely heart attack as, suddenly, and very loudly, The Voice was talking about his mistress. *is ded*
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
Was looking at the Awards on [livejournal.com profile] pottersues, and realized there was one I missed.

This one is a HP/BtVS/Hercules/Ranma 1/2 crossover. No, seriously.

And there is a character in it named...wait for it...Fragrance.

Two lines that made me nearly wet myself:

Fragrance threw her orange hair over her shoulder angrily.

Fragrance pulled up her pants, before climbing into the tree, to watch out for the intruders.


ahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!! Yeah, yeah, I get it, there's a character named Shampoo in the Ranma series, but it still made me howl.

This fic reminds me exactly of the stuff I wrote in junior high school. I mean, exactly. If HP/BtVS/etc. had existed at that time, it probably would have been identical.

More nuggets of astonishing prose:

She cursed silently in her mind as she had to tighten the pants one more time around her lanky frame. She stood in proud 5’5 foot tall, something that many of the short amazons couldn’t say. She had fiery crimson eyes and flaming weird shade of orange in her hair.

Next time I see my stylist I am so asking for the color flaming weird shade of orange.

AHAHA!! Harry and...er...Snape? wander into the forest, and Fragrance sees them, thinking...

These men would be excellent extra to the amazons. They could obliviously bring fresh, powerful blood into the tribe.

*wipes tears* I have to stop now or I'll never go to bed.
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
Healer Mary Sues with long names and silly nicknames.

Pretentious titles in French. Why anyone would speak French in the Star Warsverse makes me scratch my head.

Men who act like women.

Soulbonds between Jedi.

I love that many people apparently think that "vacations" for Jedi are necessary. Especially so that the Jedi can...ahem..."get away together".

Bizarre uses of familiar and basic Earth things in everyday societies that have enough technology for space travel.

Ahahahah *gasp* ahahaha!! A Brian Adams Jedi songfic!

Absolutely ridiculous swearing. How in Sith hell could his master be so calm, look so cool?

People jumping into bed without any sort of realistic motivation.

Spelling errors. Qui-Gon stared at Obi-Wan minuet after minuet; half expecting the boy's nightmares to begin once again.

Crazy summaries. Qui-Gon is wounded in a pirate attack, and Obi-Wan must convince him that sex is the best medicine.

One story mentions a prank gone horribly wrong.

Yep, I feel right at home in the Star Warsverse. It's just like HP.

Ahahaha...

May. 30th, 2005 05:10 pm
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
This is all [livejournal.com profile] imadra_blue's fault...

I thought, what the hell, I'll check out ffnet for some Star Wars action.

Very first title that pops up?

The Rouge Jedi.

I am not making this up.

ETA: Damn, it's already been fixed. Oh well. It was funny while it lasted.

EATA: Favorite new inane piece of dialogue: Hey, you're a Jedi!
valis2: Stone lion face (aggressive)
A young Muggle girl finds her way into Hogwarts and also into the infamous Potions Master.

Sounds messy.

ETA: bwa haha hahahahah!!

Two households, both alike in dignity, in London, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes-A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life…

"Fatal loins"?!! HAHAHhaha

ETA: [livejournal.com profile] gillieweed has pointed me to this abomination.
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
I have about ten minutes left before I leave for work. Instead of doing something productive I'm looking for new SS stories at ffnet. Stop laughing...sometimes there are one or two that make it worth the search.

Just found one with this line:

"However," [Voldemort] added as he stopped in front of the onyx, shoulder-length haired man, "some of you have failed to bring information of happenings at Hogwarts. Therefore, you shall be reprimanded with much more torture."

Hahahaha!! So now Severus is actually made out of onyx. I wonder what the torture is. Someone with a chisel?

For just a bit more torture...click here. )
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
This is being skewered on [livejournal.com profile] deleterius, here, but I just had to mention a couple lines that made me nearly pass out from laughing so hard. The Suethor has the desire to write in a very cultured way, but the fact that she tries to dress up every sentence with a few extra fancy words creates the most awful mess I've ever slogged through. I read some aloud to a friend, and at one point I said, "I can't read any more aloud, because you'll leap up at some point as if you've been stung and run out the door and I'll never see you again."

Oh, the pain, and the wig abuse... ).
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
...at the author's note for this that I just found...

A/N: Hi, this is Sara. I would just like to say I have changed the horse’s name from Marinara to Cúbeth, which is Elvish for Moonbeam. It was brought to my attention that Marinara didn’t fit with the context of the story and I thank you for your concern and desire to help make the story more appealing.

Then I started singing..."I've ridden through the desert on a horse named Marinara, it felt good to get out of the rain..." Wonder if she has a pony named Meatball. Or Alfredo.
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
When I first started to read fandom, I would collect all of the really bad lines from ff.net stories. I saved them all in a file.

I don't do this anymore, but I thought I'd put them here just for your amusement...sorry, there are no links to any of them. To be honest, some of these were actually fairly enjoyable and decent reads, just with an amusing typo. But the rest...heheh. Here are the best crazy typographical errors and word misusages.

The best fanfic manglings )

EDIT: Have removed titles and authors' names from these samples after perusing [livejournal.com profile] mctabby and [livejournal.com profile] babb_chronicles and advice from others.

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