valis2: Stone lion face (Valis II)
Fact about me you need to know for this entry: I can't remember nouns. Seriously. (Ask [livejournal.com profile] julian_black if you don't believe me.) I can't remember the proper names of things at least one out of every four times. When it's a verb, it's not so bad, because I can usually redirect through a slightly different verb for a similar effect. (Think "jumping" instead of "leaping," for example.) But for nouns, sometimes there is only one proper name that will do.

I do try to think my sentences through a little more carefully when I'm around new people or at work. But around really good friends and (especially) the husband, I will often stick a placeholder into the sentence where the unremembered word is because I need to get the entire phrase out before I forget it.

At this point, Husband knows what I mean at least four times out of five. There are several nonsense words that end up rolling off my tongue and acting as placeholders. One of them is "Shna Shna Higby," which is entirely burned into my brain because there was once a magazine in the front of my car for seven months with Sha Sha Higby on the cover (she's a performance artist).

Now that you have the [far too detailed] background on yet another of my eccentricities, I can reveal this exchange between Husband and myself just moments ago:

Valis: Can you take this detritus to the Shna Shna Higby for me? [Detritus = an empty root beer bottle and a glass, but I couldn't remember the word for bottle; Shna Shna Higby = kitchen]
Husband: For you, my dear, I would venture into the depths of Shna Shna Higby itself.
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
On the drive back I passed a shaggy, grey-haired Charlton-Heston-as-Moses man holding a hand-lettered sign painted on a giant piece of cardboard.

I looked closer, thinking it was some sort of old-school "REPENT" sign.

Wrong. It turned out to be his Myspace account name.

HAHAHAHA

Jul. 5th, 2008 11:31 am
valis2: Stone lion face (flaky death eater)
Have just watched about a minute of a show on EWTN (a religious network). A guy with slick-backed hair and a ponytail, wearing a black suit with a red tie, was pontificating.

The camera panned to show a boy of about eleven, who also had his hair slicked back into a ponytail and was wearing a black suit with a red tie. He pontificated.

Then a title card popped up, explaining that the views of Satan and his Helper were not necessarily the views of EWTN.
valis2: Stone lion face (Default)
Mild adult content! You have been warned!

We've all wanted that lovely specimen of maleness. You know him. The beautiful one, the shy one, the one whose pectorals shimmer in the noonday sun...the one who really listens and takes out the garbage and buys you that second quart of ice cream unasked...yes, we've all wanted an entirely fictional man at one time or another.

But what happens Ever After? Does the fantabulous prince turns out to be a frog? Well, me hearties, that's what this guide is for! I've listed many of our favorite fantasy men, and revealed the true endings of their fairy tales, whether fabulous or frightening. Enjoy!

The Lord of the Rings series

Gandalf: He tends to run off a lot. Sometimes in the middle of your sentence, in fact. On the plus side, though, he knows how to wield a staff.

Legolas: His hair will always look prettier than yours. I should point out that wood-elves like their wine, so expect to find him face-down in a kegger rather regularly.

Boromir: Really likes polishing his sword. No, it's not a metaphor--he really likes polishing his sword. All. The. Time.

More underneath--HP, X-Men, PotC, etc. You know you want to clicky clicky! )

*snerk*

Dec. 19th, 2007 10:42 pm
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
I get the satellite feed of Go Fug Yourself, and today's just made me laugh too hard not to share:

Fashion disaster Arden Wahl
valis2: Stone lion face (Lion icon)
Yeah, I know, everyone's done this, but I couldn't resist. Mine has more italicized words, anyway.

One point for each line that applies to you.

  • You've made a costume.

    • ...and a Quidditch uniform.

    • You have multiple HP costumes to chose from, for any activity, including surfing.

    • You've made a movie!Filch costume.

    • ...and a book!Filch costume.

    • ...and you get regularly irritated when people can't tell the difference between the two.

    • You regularly dress as Sanguini, and carry a supply of Blood Pops in your pockets at all times.

  • You know what a Dark Revel is.

    • You've been to a Dark Revel.

    • You've thrown a Dark Revel.

    For the rest of the quiz, click here )
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
    How To Tell If Lord Voldemort Is (Or Is Possessing) Your Co-Worker or Colleague.

  1. Always wears sunglasses. Even indoors. Even at night.

  2. From his job application:

    NAME: Steve Sonotthedarklord

    GOALS: learn C++ programming, network with like-minded persons, take over the world and kill that nasty little Potter boy, become Microsoft certified

  3. Has an Access file on his desktop called "Walpurgis Knights" that no one can get into.

  4. Is often seen with coffee pot in the breakroom, tapping it with an oversized toothpick and mumbling something about creating a Horcrux.

  5. Hisses at computer.

  6. Read more... )

Ah, spam

Dec. 15th, 2006 10:07 pm
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
Five of my six email accounts have yielded no amusing spam whatsoever. The sixth? A gold mine this month, for some reason. Without further ado...

---

God knows all about you and your atoms.

This frightening revelation comes from the tobacconist. Now I'm wondering what my atoms have been doing in their off time.

---

Unfortunately, during the game, wide receiver Terrell Owens.

He's so unfortunate that the sentence just ends. The game ends. The entire universe comes to a crashing halt.

---
Read more... )
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
I don't like bringing in anything personal to my cubicle at work; it's pretty much undecorated. However, my sister has a LotR rip-a-day calendar, and she leaves all of the cute guy days on my desk. I tack them to the teeny work board next to my computer, along with my schedule and the phone list.

Today I realized that I have waaaay too many Aragorns, Boromirs, Legolai, Faramirs, and Haldirs, and I set about the brutal task of reducing them to a more manageable number. I kept all of the Faramirs (of course!), decimated the Legolai, kept both Haldirs, and took down all of the Aragorns. I rearranged them until I had a pleasing display.

After I was done, I put the last push pin in place, sat back...

...and felt like I needed to click a save button.

Yes. You read that right. I thought I needed to "save" my RL cork board arrangement.

That really made me crack up.
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
I have just received this month's Most Bestest Question:

you have a lot of stuf i would like. i dont want to bid on each lot. Is there any other way to do this?

I'm sorry that pushing all of those buttons is so taxing. Perhaps you could hire a butler to do it for you.

*laughs*
valis2: Stone lion face (flaky death eater)
  • Dear Mr. Impatient: I know it's hard to believe, but I do not, in actuality, sit at my computer 24/7 and wait for customers to leave me feedback so that I can respond in kind. I leave feedback once every other week, after the majority of people have paid, so that I can do all 100 to 150 pieces of feedback at the same time. Some customers, in fact, never leave me feedback, so I don't rely on them to decide when to respond. Anyone who pays me receives positive feedback. Period. Makes my life easier.

  • Dear Mr. Trying-to-get-a-deal: No, I will not end the auction early so that you can buy this item for a ridiculously low sum, when you and I both know that it will fetch far more on the last day. Yes, I do, in fact, know how to end an auction early. But I'm not going to.

  • Dear Mr. Threatening: I dislike you, and your wife, and I resent the implication that you have so snidely suggested. I do not, in fact, log onto eBay as four different IDs, and then proceed to drive up the prices of every item I have on auction. Honestly, I don't have the time, nor the poor grasp of ethics, to be engaging in such behaviour. Oh, you've just realized it was someone else entirely? Someone else who disliked you intensely? What a surprise. No, I will not give you a discount on shipping because we happen to inhabit the same state.

  • Dear Ms. Impossible-to-understand: I gave you a terrific deal. And threw in extra merchandise to boot. And then charged you substantially less than it actually cost to ship it to Japan. I will send you replacement goods for the items you claim were "broken," and I will send you the items you purchased this week in the same box, but I will definitely charge you the difference on shipping for the first package. I do not appreciate the incomprehensible emails, the drain on my time, nor the (quite frankly) bizarre notion that you do not own any sort of camera whatsoever. Not even on your phone. I thought you lived in Tokyo! No one you know has a camera? I find that hard to believe. I really, really, really hope that we shall never do business together again.

  • Dear Ms. Exuberant: Your feedback was short and to the point, if a bit hyperbolic. Please keep in mind that while I retain the utmost respect and gratitude for the easy business transaction we shared, I do not, in fact, love you in return. But I appreciate the sentiment very much, as it lifted my spirits, and continues to do so.
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
I've always been pretty lucky, and not received a lot of spam, except through a Comcast account.

But now my luck has ended. I've been getting about 10-20 pieces a day in the last couple months. Thankfully I can use spam for amusement instead of evil.

Let's take a voyage down Spammy River, shall we?

---

Morris Hayden has contacted me about firewall swine, the scourge of the internets.

More in the latest Spam Odyssey )
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
Worst Renaissance Festival pickup lines

Such a dainty ankle m'lady hath.

Thou art more hot than Heidi Klum.

Thine boobs outshine the sun.

Allow me to laceth your corset tighter.

Wouldst thou care for some of my food coupons?

Thou lookest like a real buxom wench.

Shall I compare thee to soup in a bread bowl?

Upon staring at your lovely visage I realizeth that my codpiece is feeling rather restrictive.
valis2: Stone lion face (flaky death eater)
Haven't done a spam entry in a while...

---

I've received an email from Avis Boyle, self-proclaimed Engine Boy, who exhorts me to reverse the effects of aging. I'm not sure why a man who freely admits his attachment to combustion devices would be that concerned with keeping me young.

Read more... )
valis2: Stone lion face (chicken foot)
I have just received an email from Siegfried Dejesus.

The subject is Manly.
valis2: Stone lion face (Squiddiccino)
If you haven't read both of the previous parts, here they are: Part One, and Part Two. They're quick reads, I promise.

[livejournal.com profile] florence_craye, I apologize in advance.

The Cuttlefish Strike Back )
valis2: Stone lion face (Quirkysquid)
ETA: Part Two.

[livejournal.com profile] julian_black claims there's not enough squid!fic in the world. (She also suffered through the first draft and helped, so part of the blame may be sent directly to her.) So, may I present to you, part deux.

Part one

Click here for part two: more crack )

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