The gripping conclusion to the Squid Wars trilogy.

[valis2]

If you haven't read both of the previous parts, here they are: Part One, and Part Two. They're quick reads, I promise.

florence_craye, I apologize in advance.

The Cuttlefish Strike Back

"To the lawn!" roared valismort. snapesforte twirled her wand, Transfiguring the roof into a long slide, and all of the Death Eaters slid into an ungraceful heap at the bottom, except for Snapesforte, who artfully floated down with the use of a black umbrella.

The Giant Squid was still locked in a struggle with Minerva, Arthur, and Aberforth, its tentacles wrapped tightly around them as they flailed.

"Ah, yes," said valismort, brushing herself off. "Time for my Villainous Monologue. Let's see..." She approached the Squid and sneered at the Order members. "Minerva. The Circle is now complete. The Squid has become the Master."

"You're not a squid," pointed out ac1d6urn.

"Oops!" said valismort. "I mean, the student has become the mollusk."

sinick rolled her eyes. "There shouldn't be any cephalopods involved in a Villainous Monologue!"

"Oh, dear," said valismort. "The student has become the master...is that right?"

"Yes!" said ac1d.

"And now, dear Minerva," continued valismort, "it is time for you to pay. For years I have been subject to your vile goody-goody two-shoes act. Enough of your ginger biscuits! It is time for you to taste the stinging fury of my wrath!"

Ac1d and Sinick exchanged wary looks.

"Speaker to Cuttlefish!" roared valismort.

"Yes, my lord!" squeaked florence_craye, trying to juggle the many cuttlefish she was holding.

valismort made a Villainous Gesture. "Call upon...the jellyfish!" There were excited murmurings.

"Not even three sentences before some poor marine creature gets involved!" said Sinick, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, my lord!" said Florence. She pulled out her wand and Summoned a table. Another gesture, and she Summoned a black object, about the size of a breadbox, which sat on the table.

The rest of the Death Eaters crowded around. "What's that?" they whispered to each other.

Snapesforte curled her lip. "It's a Muggle device."

Florence picked up a long bar which sat on top of the object and held it up to the side of her face. She began to operate a wheel on the front of the device.

"What does it do?" marvelled ldybastet.

"Quiet!" said Florence. "Hello?" she said into the bar. "Jellyfish? Yes, I'll hold...Hello? Have I reached the Jellyfish? Oh, excellent. Your presence is required. Hogwarts, now." She paused for a moment. "Well, yes, I did decide to paint the living room aqua, but now's not the time...yes, let's have coffee later." She placed the black bar on top of the device.

"Were you calling the jellyfish?" asked marginaliana, looking confused.

"Why, yes," said Florence. "You have to call the jellyfish on the jellyphone, of course." She waved her hand and the table and the phone disappeared.

"Now you will feel the terror of my stinging evil!" said valismort gleefully.

There was a burbling noise from the lake, and then it began to foam and froth, and shortly after wave after wave of jellyfish appeared. There were giant jellyfish and teeny jellyfish, glowing jellyfish, blobby jellyfish, and dainty jellyfish, and even a furry jellyfish that made Chewbacca noises.

"Your doom has arrived!" announced valismort.

Minerva laughed and laughed. "I don't think so!" she said, wiping tears away from her eyes.

"Oh, really," said valismort. "Do you think you three, as incapacitated as you are, can stand up to the might and power...of the jellyfish?"

"You've underestimated us once again," gasped Aberforth, as he tried to loosen a particularly tight tentacle around his midsection. "Remus!"

Unnoticed, Remus Lupin had crept up behind the Giant Squid and now stood there with his wand drawn.

"Another trap!" said rexluscus.

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Remus said, smiling.

"Do your worst!" sneered Snapesforte.

"Peanut Butterus Totalis!" he shouted, gesturing with his wand. A huge sheet of peanut butter flew out from his wand, engulfing the writhing masses of jellyfish.

"My jellyfish!" shrieked Florence.

The jellyfish struggled against the thick, merciless goop, but couldn't break free of its nutty goodness. They lay defeated on the grass.

Florence was quivering in fury. "When I call the sea cucumbers you'll be sorry, you flea-bitten mongrel--"

"I think it's time we showed them the true power of the cuttlefish," said valismort, her red eyes glowing. "Speaker to Cuttlefish! Initiate the Super Sekrit Project!"

"With pleasure!" said Florence. She gestured towards the piles of cuttlefish on the lawn. "M're lana cuthbertanon! Daliesque Topiary Snee! Form up on my command!"

The cuttlefish began to glow and levitate.

"Now!" shouted Florence.

The Death Eaters and Order members all watched, agape, as the cuttlefish swirled in the air, stacking upon each other and secreting a cement-like glue. Their tentacles waved in the air as the shape began to take form.

"My lord," said Florence with pride, "may I present to you...Optimus Cuttle!"

The giant, vaguely man-shaped figure was ten feet tall, with two glowing jellyfish for eyes. It opened its giant clam maw, and the octopuses that lined it all waved their deadly tentacles.

"It's beautiful!" said valismort. "I love it! Don't forget to put yourself down on my Christmas card list."

"Yes, my lord!" beamed Florence.

"Now," said valismort, turning toward her enemies. "It occurs to me that there is still the little matter of these traitors to deal with..."

"Show them no mercy," sneered Snapesforte.

The Death Eaters all scowled at the Order members. bronze_ribbons waggled her Angst Ray menacingly. Sinick made rude gestures involving the snitch. Ac1d showed Aberforth a picture she had drawn of a goat spurning his advances.

"Giant Squid! Release the traitors!" valismort crossed her arms, looking smug.

Obediently, the Giant Squid put down the three Order members. Aberforth scowled at Ac1d as he rubbed his bruised ribs.

"Cuttlefish Prime!" said valismort. "Destroy them!"

"No, it's Optimus Cuttle!" said ldybastet.

"Oops!" said valismort. "Yes, sorry about that. Optimus Cuttle--"

"Reducto!" shouted Remus, and a blast from the end of his wand blew the giant apart.

The Death Eaters all gasped in shock and looked at each other. Florence looked smug. Within moments the cuttlefish rearranged themselves, recreating the giant man-like shape, and it began to take its first steps toward the Order members, to the appreciative applause of the Death Eaters.

"Wow, this rocks!" said valismort approvingly. "You see? Cuttlefish do come in handy!"

"Didn't you mention a prophecy?" said Sinick.

"Oh, yes. Let's see..." valismort thought for a moment. "Oh, I can't remember. gmonkey42, do you remember it?"

"Which one?" asked Gmonkey.

"The prophecy we heard in Las Vegas."

"Oh yes!" Gmonkey nodded. "The esteemed seer Carrot Top foretold--"

"Wait," interrupted Sinick. "Did you just say Carrot Top and esteemed in the same sentence?"

"Yes, I did," said Gmonkey indignantly. "Now, as I was saying--"

"Carrot Top is a seer?" said Ac1d in disbelief.

"--he told us a prophecy," continued Gmonkey, ignoring Ac1d and Sinick pointedly. "When the cuttlefish walk upon the earth, when the tartan attacks, then you will know HAHAHAHA splunge."

"What?" asked Bronze Ribbons, looking confused.

"Splunge?" asked Marginaliana, bewildered

"When the cuttlefish--" repeated chocolate_limes.

"No, no, we heard it," interrupted Sinick. "What the hell does it mean?"

"Splunge isn't even a word!" said Ac1d.

"Did you tickle him in the middle of it?" demanded Sinick.

"Are you implying that I would lay a hand upon the great Carrot Top?" said Gmonkey in horror.

Minerva and Aberforth were laughing, and Remus joined in.

"The prophecy is coming true!" said valismort, delighted. "The cuttlefish is walking, the tartan has attacked...and now the inappropriately loud laughter!"

"Praise be to Carrot Top!" shouted Gmonkey and Limes.

Arthur was laughing so hard he collapsed onto the lawn, slapping the grass weakly.

"You mean...we're standing here, waiting for splunge?" asked Rex.

"Will someone please tell me what the hell splunge is?" asked Sinick crossly.

"Perhaps this will constitute splunge," said Snapesforte. Moving her wand in an intricate manner, she muttered several words under her breath. A jet of lime green sprayed from her wand, soaking Arthur, Aberforth, and Minerva thoroughly.

"What is that?" asked Rex.

"Paralytic lime green jell-o," said Snapesforte smugly.

"Splunge," said Gmonkey wonderingly.

"Splunge," said Limes and Marginaliana in an awed tone.

"Y'know, I could really get to like splunge," said valismort, impressed.

Remus, who had somehow missed the green misery, pointed his wand at his fellow Order members. "Tidealis Boraxio Lemonscenteddowny!" he shouted. Immediately a frothing white foam sprayed from his wand, cleansing them of the green goop.

"You ruined my splunge!" said Snapesforte, furious.

Cuttlefish Prime--er, Optimus Cuttle was nearly upon the Order members. Remus shouted a hasty Trip Jinx and they all jumped out of the way as Optimus Cuttle wobbled alarmingly and then fell forward with a deafening wet noise onto the grass.

"Did you hear that?" asked Bronze Ribbons. "It sounded like...'splunge' when it hit the ground."

Sinick laughed and laughed. "Quality prophecy, that!"

"Do not malign His Noble Carroty Goodness again!" warned Gmonkey.

The cuttlefish seemed confused, and flopped about on the grass. musigneus offered them a bit of manchego.

"Speaker to Cuttlefish!" said valismort. "What is the matter?"

"It's splunge, my lord," said Florence gloomily.

"You mean the prophecy wasn't about my glorious victory?" said valismort in disbelief. "It was about my wondrous creation tripping and falling?"

"No, the Carrot of Most Topness could not have failed us!" said Limes in dismay.

Minerva opened her pocketwatch and shook out green jello. "Well, it's about time for tea, I see."

"Tea?" said valismort, stunned.

"With scones," added Arthur.

"Cranberry scones," added Remus.

Some of the Death Eaters lowered their wands, hungry looks upon their faces.

"That sounds lovely," said Limes. "I think a spot of tea would go down just fine."

"Falling off rooftops always makes me hungry," announced Marginaliana.

"What kind of tea?" asked Rex.

"Any kind you like," said Arthur. "Peppermint, cinnamon, chocolate frog..."

"There's even tiramisu," said Remus.

The Death Eaters looked to valismort for a reaction.

"Truce?" asked Minerva, smiling.

"Well, I don't know," hedged valismort. "I mean, it's double war and all..."

"We have chocolate-covered macadamia nuts," said Aberforth.

"Truce!" shouted valismort.

The Death Eaters all applauded enthusiastically, except for Snapesforte, who rolled her eyes.

~the end~

Alternate Ending: Scooby-Doo

Minerva opened her pocketwatch and shook out green jello. "Well, it's about time for tea, I see."

"Tea?" said valismort, stunned.

"Stop right there!" someone shouted. Everyone turned to see Harry, Hermione, and Ron striding forward.

"Grab her!" said Hermione.

Ron and Harry each grabbed valismort's arm. Hermione firmly grasped valismort's hair and yanked, revealing a wizened old man.

The Death Eaters and the Order members gaped in open shock.

"Grindelvalis!" gasped Marginaliana.

"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you sneaking kids!" said Grindelvalis grumpily.

~the end~

Alternate Ending: Star Wars

Minerva opened her pocketwatch and shook out green jello. "Well, it's about time for tea, I see."

"Tea?" said valismort, stunned.

"What's that? in the sky?" asked Florence, pointing.

"Looks like the moon," said Marginaliana.

"That's no moon," said Snapesforte grimly.

"It's the Death Star!" said Bronze Ribbons.

"Avada Kedavra!" roared valismort. A jet of green light beamed into space, and the Death Star exploded into a billion sparkling pieces.

"I have dibs on the blackberry jam!" announced Rex.

"MRHHHHHHHAAAAAAAARRRR!" roared Chewbacca!jellyfish.

~the end~

Alternate Ending: Dr. Who

The Daleks land in front of Hogwarts. Everybody dies. Even the Doctor.

~the end~

Alternate Ending: Lord of the Rings

Minerva opened her pocketwatch and shook out green jello. "Well, it's about time for tea, I see."

"Tea?" said valismort, stunned.

"Oh, my cuttlefish," said Florence in a strange voice. "My precioussss cuttlefisssh. I loves them and bitesss them, yesss, my preciousss."

"Well, where did you come from?" asked Minerva, noticing Harry, Hermione, and Ron striding across the lawn.

"Give me the cuttlefish!" said Harry, pointing his wand.

"No!" said Florence, crouching down and holding the golden cuttlefish tightly. "Mine! Mine! It wasss my birthday presssent."

"What is going on?" asked Remus.

"She has the One Cuttlefish!" said Hermione impatiently. "We have to get it away from her!"

Florence took the cuttlefish and put it on her head like a hat, tying two of the tentacles together under her chin. "Now I tricksy, hobbit! Can't catch what it can't sssee, preciousss!" She jumped up and down in delight like a frog.

"Give me the cuttlefish, Florence," said Harry.

Florence took off her shoes and began wiggling her toes in the dirt. "Mussst find juicy worms, yesss, my preciousss..." The impromptu cuttlefish hat flopped this way and that.

"Er...Florence...I hate to break it to you, but you're entirely visible," said Sinick.

"It tricksy! It say it knows where preciousss is, but preciousss is invissi...indvisiis...can't be ssseen!" Florence looked entirely delighted with herself.

"We have no time! We have to drop the One Cuttlefish into the frying pan before it's too late!" cried Hermione.

Ron jumped on Florence, who screamed, "Tricksy hobbitsss! Trickssy! Geroff!" She struggled in vain as he attempted to remove the cuttlefish headgear.

"OW!" shouted Ron, falling onto the grass. "She bit me!"

"Nasssty little hobbitssss!" hissed Florence, adjusting the golden cuttlefish on her head.

Harry grabbed the Angst Ray from Bronze Ribbons and pointed it at Florence, pulling the trigger. A huge blast of energy streamed from the gun's nozzle, bathing Florence in orange light.

Florence sat utterly still, her eyes as big as saucers.

"Now, Ron! Get the cuttlefish!" shouted Hermione.

Ron snatched the marine animal headgear from atop Florence's head. "I've got it!"

"Now, off to Harrod's Dhûm Department for the frying pan! Quickly!" Hermione ran off, followed by Ron and Harry.

"What was the Angst Ray set to?" asked valismort.

Bronze Ribbons checked the settings. "Oh dear," she said mournfully. "Mary Sue..."

Everyone looked at Florence, whose wings were just beginning to unfurl. Her eyes shimmered with a myriad of colors.

valismort looked stricken. Minerva took her by the elbow. "Let's have some tea and sort this whole mess out," she said decisively.

"I hope you have chocolate-covered macadamia nuts," said valismort.

~the end~