valis2 | X-files: fasting for Saint Patrick

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summaries: x-files

X-files: fasting for Saint Patrick

M: Sculy, do you fell like celebration ?!
S: Uh! Mulder..!
M: Yeah! - and is head make a funny move.
S: what's on your mind -caustious.
[They kiss.]...All the world fade awey and all rathional touth, they became a man and a womam with neads, fisicals and emotionals.

This is from a PWP. It's in the middle of a seduction scene between Krycek and Mulder:

"Call me. . . Ishmael," [Krycek] breathed.

No whale is involved. Thankfully.

"Awnotthlonegnmnillndupfeelnlikivbndippdnoil." Scully whined unintelligibly.

Mulder's heart started to compete with the loud music when the dark haired stranger got up from his seated position and started to make his way over to where Mulder was sitting.

Dark haired stranger: Hi there.
Mulder: What?
Dark haired stranger: Hi!
Mulder: What?
Dark haired stranger: HI THERE!
Mulder: *shrugs* Sorry, I can't hear you over my heart.

"You're about to fuck up Mulder," Krycek warned, eyes cruel coiled serpents.

This sentence needs so much grammatical loving that I don't even know where to begin.

Summary: After an attempt at fasting, Mulder and Scully find their St. Patrick's Day going swiftly downhill.

Wait--we're supposed to fast on St. Patrick's Day?

Okay. So here's an issue I'm having. (Warning--it concerns limb removal.) Alex Krycek had his arm amputated in a Siberian forest, either just above the elbow or a little higher. He wears a prosthetic limb. Now I am aware that I know very little about these things, honestly, but I find that I keep going, bwuh? in some fics.

Let me explain. I've read a fic where he had to go through heroics to put toothpaste on a toothbrush. Look, I can do that one-handed. It doesn't take a lot of skill, just a flat surface for the toothbrush. Also, there was one fic where he just about couldn't get his pants off without help. huh? How the hell does he get dressed? I mean, I'm sure it's a pain, but still, after having this disability for awhile, you know he's figured out ways to cope. And now I've just read a fic where he is shrugging with only one shoulder. Okay, fine, I'm not really knowledgeable about prosthetics, and how the prosthetic is strapped on and that sort of thing, but I'm fairly certain he'd still be able to shrug both shoulders. /rant

X-files/Animaniacs crossover. Also X-files/Monty Python. Um. Not making this up.

One day, Walter Sergei Skinner was sitting in his office doing some work when a bee came by and stung him on the back of his neck.

This is half of a fic. I am not kidding.

[Skinner to Krycek:] "That's Mister Skinner-Krycek to you, Mister Krycek-Skinner.

Holy cow, Scully's name is misspelled in the title of a fic. Bad sign.

[Mulder's mom] had been rewarded with a little girl, a beautiful little girl with silky hair and grey eyes which would soon turn the crystalline color of arctic ice.

It's hard for me to buy Krycek giggling all the time. It really irks me. Maybe it's because I haven't watched enough canon--does he giggle a lot? But there's one thing I do know--Skinner doesn't giggle. I'm reading a giggling!Skinner fic right now and it's a bit head-scratchy for me. Also, Skinner keeps saying "Christ on a crutch" and now I'm wondering if that's canon. ETA: He says it in multiple fics by multiple authors. *boggles* Is this some sort of fandom hive-mind, or is it really canon?

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man Queen

Let this be a lesson to us all on how not to quote song lyrics. Or rather, how to quote them for maximum unintentional hilarity.

[Author's note:]The following story is my small tribute to the paranormal phenomena found in the Midwest.

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There must be a dearth of betas in other fandoms. Either that or a large number of fanfiction authors who do not care to have their work edited.

Very sad.

And very funny.

I am just continually astonished, honestly. Still, these are most likely all from lists, and I don't see betas listed for a lot of these fics. Lucky for us!

Scarier are the fics that are betaed and are just unreadable.

They have fiscal needs? Yeah, me too.

"Awnotthlonegnmnillndupfeelnlikivbndippdnoil." Scully whined unintelligibly
An attempt at translation:
"Aw, not the Lone Gunmen. I'll... dup? Feelin' like... ??? and oil."

Mulder's heart started to compete with the loud music when the dark haired stranger got up from his seated position and started to make his way over to where Mulder was sitting.

Dark haired stranger: Hi there.
Mulder: What?
Dark haired stranger: Hi!
Mulder: What?
Dark haired stranger: HI THERE!
Mulder: *shrugs* Sorry, I can't hear you over my heart.

LOLOLOL is this one deliberate?

Fasting? Green beer doesn't count as food, right?

[Krycek] just about couldn't get his pants off without help
Are you sure that wasn't just a ploy to get Mulder to take his pants off? That sounds like something he would do.

One day, Walter Sergei Skinner was sitting in his office doing some work when a bee came by and stung him on the back of his neck.

This is half of a fic. I am not kidding.

The fic is two sentences long? "And Skinner went 'ow!' but luckily it was a normal bee, not one of those smallpox bees, so Skinner was fine. The End" Most boring fic ever.

Maybe it's because I haven't watched enough canon--does he giggle a lot?
NO. I have seen every single Krycek episode multiple times. Sometimes he does a villain chuckle but definitely no giggling. And about Skinner, I don't recall him saying that in an episode. "Fandom hive mind" has my vote.

Hey... do you want some VHS tapes of X-Files episodes? I have some store-bought ones but mostly ones I taped from TV. I don't really watch them anymore, they're just taking up space. Do you want them? We could split the cost of postage or something.

They have fiscal needs? Yeah, me too.

You and me both, sister. *grins*

"Awnotthlonegnmnillndupfeelnlikivbndippdnoil." Scully whined unintelligibly
An attempt at translation:
"Aw, not the Lone Gunmen. I'll... dup? Feelin' like... ??? and oil."

"I'll end up feeling like I've been dipped in oil."

It really really frightens me that I figured that out.

And why would she feel like that? I don't remember them as being particularly greasy.

And I would not ever peg her as the mumbling type. Ever. Though I haven't watched the whole run, so I really don't know.

LOLOLOL is this one deliberate?

hee! The unitalicized stuff is my contribution. I couldn't resist.

Fasting? Green beer doesn't count as food, right?

It must not, because otherwise we've all been doing it wrong for ages!

Are you sure that wasn't just a ploy to get Mulder to take his pants off? That sounds like something he would do.

Um. Yes, you've called it in one, honestly.

The fic is two sentences long? "And Skinner went 'ow!' but luckily it was a normal bee, not one of those smallpox bees, so Skinner was fine. The End" Most boring fic ever.

Your version is actually more exciting and interesting than the actual ending.

NO. I have seen every single Krycek episode multiple times. Sometimes he does a villain chuckle but definitely no giggling. And about Skinner, I don't recall him saying that in an episode. "Fandom hive mind" has my vote.

Seriously?!! omg, I'm so glad you answered this, because I've been really thrown by these giggling!fics. There was one really well-written fic where Krycek laughs and it startles Mulder, who thinks to himself that he's only heard him laugh half a dozen times, and that seemed so much more realistic to me.

When he comes back from Russia with one arm missing, do they really play up the prosthetic arm on the show? Do they show him doing anything with it, or is it just kind of alluded to and forgotten?

And thank you for telling me about the Skinner thing. I really was starting to doubt my sanity about Skinner. It just didn't seem like something he would say. But I've seen it in different fics by different authors, so I started to really wonder. Crazy!

Hey... do you want some VHS tapes of X-Files episodes? I have some store-bought ones but mostly ones I taped from TV. I don't really watch them anymore, they're just taking up space. Do you want them? We could split the cost of postage or something.

Oooh. This is an interesting and fabulous offer. Hmm. I did miss a lot of the show, honestly--I only watched the first two and a half seasons, if that--but I'm not certain about watching more. Though I am intrigued about watching the Krycek eps. Probably more than once, at that. lol.

Can I think about it and get back to you?

do they really play up the prosthetic arm on the show?

Not really. They highlighted it in the final scene of Terma, to show the audience what happened - he was making tea and dipping the tea strainer in the water with his prosthetic hand. Apart from that, I don't remember it really coming up.

Sure, think it over! The videos will continue to sit in their moving boxes. If you're interested, I can make a list of the ones I have (which is something I'll need to do anyway if I'm going to get rid of them) and you can pick which ones you want. Unless you want to take them all off my hands! Because that would be cool! ;)

Not really. They highlighted it in the final scene of Terma, to show the audience what happened - he was making tea and dipping the tea strainer in the water with his prosthetic hand. Apart from that, I don't remember it really coming up.

Oooh. Now I want to see the scene.

It's a fascinating kind of premise to explore--a regularly occurring character on a show, but now with a disability--and I'm really intrigued by the fanfic. Like, waaay intrigued with it and how people handle it. Some people ignore the entire event, some people drag it out like crazy, some people invent wild methods to get his arm back. Simply fascinating.

And I will totally think about it. I wouldn't cherry-pick--it would be all or nothing, seriously. *grins* I'll talk to Husband and see what he thinks. You really are the best!!

"Aw, not the Lone Gunmen. I'll... dup? Feelin' like... ??? and oil."

I think that's "I'll end up feeling like I've been dipped in oil." As in, they're slimy? Which, I guess is accurate. But, er...

I think there was some giggling involved when Jimmy was disguised as Skinner in an episode of The Lone Gunmen. But that wasn't, you know, actually Skinner.

Ah, well, that makes sense. I just can't see Skinner giggling, really.

I have read a couple great Skinner fics, and he's just himself in those, a little competitive, in control, smart and strong, man of few words. I like that sort of characterization. Giggling!Skinner scares me.

tee hee hee!

X-files/Monty Python

HOW!?!?! I always want to know how people make these things work. I mean, X-Files/Animaniacs I can totally see (I can't believe I just said that), but Monty Python? I guess, er, Mulder finds aliens at the Summarize Proust Competition? Or, um, the man with a tape recorder up his nose is really an alien. Or...?

There are MULTIPLE X-files/MP fics. NO LIE. I remember seeing summaries for at least three.

My first guess is that they crossover Holy Grail stuff, since that's the best known, but you never know.

Let's see...

Delete This File (http://krycek.gossamer.org/display.php?DeleteThisFile.Ophelia) (Star Trek/Millenium/X-Files/Monty Python) In a tremendous violation of continuity, good taste and good sense, shadowy, unknown writer(s) make Chris Carter's, Gene Rodenberry's and the Censorship Suicide Squad's worst nightmares come true.

A Fish Called Mulder (http://krycek.gossamer.org/display.php?FishCalledMulder.Cheri) (X-files/MP) Mulder and Scully encounter some unusual characters in London

Michael Palin's Fight the Future (http://krycek.gossamer.org/display.php?MichaelPalinsFightTheFuture.Cheri) (X-files/MP) Michael stumbles onto more than he bargined for, while filming his Pole to Pole documentary

Random Replies (http://krycek.gossamer.org/display.php?RandomReplies.Beaker) (X-files/MP) Beaker picks up the manual "So You Want to Write an Fanfic Summary!" She flips through the pages frantically. "What?! No section covering a Monty Pythonish X-File parody?!" Disgusted, she sets the book aside.

You know, I love cracky crossovers, but anything that starts with "for reasons forever unexplained" is probably not going to do it for me.

And now having read all of these, wow, are they terrible. I mean. Wow. I am spoiled by LJ, I know, but this is ridiculous. And so many written in script format! I could live without seeing any more fic written in script format ever.

(And wow, I'd forgotten that Gossamer doesn't allow deep linking. My X-Files fandom days are coming back to haunt me.)

grah!!!! I didn't realize that the links wouldn't work. I'm so sorry, I never even thought to check.

And I am so with you about the script format. And being spoiled by LJ. A lot of this fic seems unsophisticated to me, honestly. I think I'm just used to HP and fest fics and higher levels of quality in some sense. *nodnod*

"You're about to fuck up Mulder," Krycek warned, eyes cruel coiled serpents.

POSSIBLY THIS IS MY FAVOURITE 'SENTENCE' EVER. 'You're about to fuck up Mulder' already had me happy, but then they just added random words on the end and each one makes me explode with glee, it's like they did word association, rather than grammar.

On the other hand I mostly just love the bee fic.

Is that not an absolutely killer sentence? I read it at least three times, dumbfounded, and it just kept getting better each time. *loves*

And the bee fic was just...wow.

I can only assume the next sentence is "shut up, Krycek, I'm not going to fu-JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE THERE SNAKES COMING OUT OF YOUR EYE SOCKETS?!"

Yes! Only it would be even better, because it would be "shut up Krycek. I'm not going to... EYES SNAKES JESUS WHY?" Because random collections of words are sentences.

I want a werewhale fic now, please. Where can I find one?

Diablo III: Lord of the Apocalypse (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2536968/4/Diablo_III_Lord_of_Apocalypse)

Daganna (http://www.wraithbait.com/viewstory.php?sid=7740&chapter=2), a SGA fic

Or, if you want a Riptide version...

----

Nick was nearly finished with the latest issue of Aviation Monthly when Cody emerged from below. He looked up and tossed the magazine to the side. "I can't believe you're serious about this."

"Yes, I am," said Cody determinedly. "I promised Mr. Ishmael that we'd investigate--"

"He's crazy," said Nick, poking the air with his finger. "And you're crazy, too, if you believe that his friend is a dolphin--"

"Whale, Nick." Cody put his hands on his hips. "Mr. Ahab is a whale."

"Whatever. Crazy. Fruitcake. Nutso."

"Does this mean you won't help?" asked Cody, looking worried.

Nick sighed. "Of course I'll help. But--"

"Guys! Guys!!" shouted Murray, sprinting down the steps. "I've found a possible location! The tracking tag that Mr. Ishmael gave us--I finally managed to pinpoint it!"

Cody gave Nick an imploring look.

"Fine!" said Nick, rubbing the back of his neck. "Fine. What do you think, Murray, Mimi or Riptide?"

"Oh, the Riptide, definitely," said Murray. "I'd have to transfer too much equipment, otherwise. And we're fairly close."

Cody smiled triumphantly and raced up to the wheelhouse, and within minutes they were underway, Nick feeling a sense of doom blossoming inside of him.

His nerves frayed further as they motored their way out of the harbor and out into the open water, and even more as they passed the Channel Islands. Cody, on the other hand, looked more and more excited.

"You changed sweaters," said Nick, coming up into the wheelhouse.

"I was getting cold, and the double cable-knit keeps out the chill better." Cody pointed out across the horizon. "Look, we're nearly to the coordinates!"

"You really think his story's true, don't you?" asked Nick, looking in his eyes.

Cody paused for a moment, then gave him a look. "All my life I wished I could swim in the ocean--the way that fish do. I always wanted to live in three dimensions. I mean, we do, but...think about it, Nick, you could travel the world, see things no one's ever seen..."

"Cody, no one can turn into a whale," said Nick. "Are you listening to me?"

"Guys!" shouted Murray. "We're getting closer! We're nearly on top of him!"

Cody lowered the speed of the Riptide. "You never know," he said quietly. "Please, Nick, I just want to see."

They motored forward slowly, until they could see a small shape in the water. A weak hand raised up and waved at them shakily.

"Mr. Ahab?" called out Murray. "We're coming!"

Nick and Cody pulled the nude, waterlogged man into the boat. He was chilled to the bone, and they put him in the shower first and then bundled him in towels and brought him into the salon.

"I knew it was real," whispered Cody, grinning like a fool.

"Look, let's not jump to conclusions," said Nick.

And then he noticed the radio tag in Mr. Ahab's ear.

LKSJdflskdjfsdf. WERE-WHALE FIC:):) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I made an icon only today. I hope Cody gets to be a whale, I hate the thought of him wanting to be a whale and not being able to be a whale.

(I've started to forget that Riptide isn't actually about Cody's adventures of being a were-whale. In my head he only bought a boat because he needed access to deep sea once a month. And when Nick came to live there he tried to hide it, but that was VERY DIFFICULT, and Cody thought Nick wouldn't want anything to do with him when he found out, but actually Nick bought him whale mugs and kissed him a lot and that is why whale mugs make them SO HAPPY, because they are a symbol of understanding and DEEP TRUE LOVE. I love Riptide.)

hee!! I'm so glad you liked it. I mean, it is ridiculously unbetaed, and I didn't even read it twice, and I wrote it in fifteen minutes, and it's just so...totally unpolished and yeah.

And I love your scenario. It is so much better than my little fic. And yes, whale mugs, and deep true love, and Riptide, and absolutely beautiful.

Do you have any idea HOW AWESOME YOU ARE???????

ADORABLE. Crack and adorable. This:

"within minutes they were underway, Nick feeling a sense of doom blossoming inside of him." GUH. I'm sort of stuck on that sentence and haven't moved on from there. But it's freakishly adorable.

Utter, utter crack. Yes, there is no other word for it. *grins*

And Nick is very good at the doomy doom doom song. Very good. Cody likes to ignore the doom song, to his peril. But he can handle the peril, and if he can't (it's too perilous!) then Nick can, so I suppose it all works out in the end.

That is quite a good summation of Riptide.

Choice. This is choice.

You've got MOAR, perhaps?

I have waaaay more. I have two more entries--two more complete entries--and I'm working on a third. And I'm compiling my first x-rated entry, too. There is just too much out there! lol.

Sorry, I can't hear you over my heart.

I seriously just sat here for a couple of minutes, unable to stop laughing.

That's Mister Skinner-Krycek to you, Mister Krycek-Skinner.

Um, okay?

I definitely can't imagine Skinner or Krycek giggling. Though I could see Krycek laughing maniacally and twirling an invisible mustache.

I seriously just sat here for a couple of minutes, unable to stop laughing.

Oh, yay! I almost deleted that bit a few times, but in the end it made me giggle a little, so I left it in. ;)

I definitely can't imagine Skinner or Krycek giggling. Though I could see Krycek laughing maniacally and twirling an invisible mustache.

Every time I read that Skinner giggled, I am pulled right out of the fic in a major way. It just does not make sense. A bit of a grin, sure. An occasional laugh, right. But giggle? I can more imagine Mulder giggling than Skinner.

" a little girl, a beautiful little girl with silky hair and grey eyes which would soon turn the crystalline color of arctic ice" Oh noes, the Mary Sue!

I sort of missed going through The Pit looking for hp badfic to snort at, but then I remind myself, there are other fandoms...

You know, sometimes when I look at fics from other fandoms I think, hmm, these are pretty decent fics. And then other fandoms are just overrun with badfic. And then I have to share.

Scarily enough, these are not even from the Pit. Srsly.

I know, I can still remember the Rammstein band/Mary Sue fic extract where the guy's 'jail-corn' glowed in the dark and had speshul anti-evil properties (when inserted into the Sue) - and I'm fairly sure that was neither the Pit nor aff.net

bwahahaha!!!!!!!!!

omg, that's absolutely awesome. I love badfic so much.

Um. I like the rational tooth fading away and the woman and man having fiscals, or something :-)

Where do you find those things?!?

haha! That one was tough to decipher.

And as to where I find them--well, when I find an archive, I start at the letter A and just keep going! hee!

Haha, I read that as Scully having fiscal needs, too, and was baffled as to how shagging Mulder would help -- granted, two can live cheaper than one in relative terms, but still: I bet her salary (as minder-of-the-nutjob-who'd-rather-be-elsewhere) is a lot higher than his (as resident-nutjob-we-filed-in-the-basement-to-keep-him-away-from-us).

Bwahahahaha!!

OMG, this had me ROFL right out of the block! That first one... Sounds sort of like someone who is learning English, but still, would they not have spellcheck?

And the bee fic. Dude. I *so* want the rest of it, now. ::makes ~~cruel coiled serpents~~ puppy eyes::

Your werewhale fic? For all that it was written in 15 minutes and you didn't look back? It rocks, a gazillion times harder, than anything on the bad!fic list. So, go you!

I adore the rational tooth. Seriously, it makes me giggle.

And the bee fic is just...I mean, seriously. But I doubt I'll ever find it again. Then again, the other sentence only had six words, so it's not like you're missing much. lol.

And hooray for werewhales! I reread it and thought, meh, could have been loads better, but for fifteen minutes, it's not bad! *grins* Thank you so much!!

And now I've just read a fic where he is shrugging with only one shoulder. Okay, fine, I'm not really knowledgeable about prosthetics, and how the prosthetic is strapped on and that sort of thing, but I'm fairly certain he'd still be able to shrug both shoulders. /rant

Hahaha, I just had the strongest urge to write a fic in which he shrugs and his arm falls off. Several times, possibly. Maybe as an explanation when someone says, 'Why do you do that weird half-shrug thing?'

...X-Files isn't even my fandom!

I'm just still scratching my head. I mean, apparently the limb removal scene is fairly clear; he still has the upper part of his arm and shoulder. Why on earth would he not be able to shrug? I can only guess that maybe the prosthesis is a little heavy or awkward.

And that would be a hilarious fic. He just keeps putting the arm back on, and it keeps falling off. Amusingly enough, that fic probably already exists somewhere.

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X-files: fasting for Saint Patrick

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