Sue Profile #24

[valis2]

[Recap: Some of you might remember that at one of the HP conventions, gmonkey42 and I put together a Snape and his Mary Sues presentation. In order to put the presentation together, we had to read a bunch of HP fanfics featuring Sues who were paired with Snape. The other night, I was scribbling notes on scrap paper, and realized that the paper in question was from a printout of the spreadsheet that we built to house the data. And then I started laughing at the quote, and I thought that we really should share the profiles because they're just too much fun not to.]

• Name of Sue: Bolt Yerk


• Eye color: silver


• Hair color: short, spiky, crimson


• Clothing: "often wears loose black jeans, soft fur-lined ankle boots, and a loose t-shirt. Her robes habitually have a phoenix on them across the left shoulder and a pair of silver sunglasses "


• Curves in all the right places: "subtle curves and semi-long legs"


• Exchange student or DADA professor?: DADA prof


• Tragic past: yes- didn't know she was a witch until 2 years before, has abusive ex-boyfriend


• Went to Hogwarts with Snape/Marauders?: no


• Past relationships: Has abusive ex-boyfriend, Brian


• Other: Gave Harry secret information needed for him to defeat Voldemort


• Totally uncharacteristic Snape moments: Sweeps her into his arms, carries her to his room and throws her on his bed. Also forces ex-boyfriend to apologise for hitting her, calling her a bitch and everything he had ever done to her.


• Relationship with Snape: fellow professor, wanted him since beginning of year, finally does something about it at end of year ball Ball


• Other: Author calls the the dance the "end of the year Yule Ball". Since Yule is at Christmas time, why would a ball taking place in June be called a Yule Ball?


• Sue House: Sparklypoo

Comments

[idleleaves.livejournal.com]

... I cannot get over that name. As cocked-up as the rest of it is, it all pales in comparison to that. What the hell, Suethor. What the hell.

[idleleaves.livejournal.com]

Also, LMAO @ "semi-long legs".

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I know!! omg, I just could not believe it and I had to go and double-check. Seriously. And it's true. Just...wow.

[ellid.livejournal.com]

"Bolt Yerk"????? That is the WORST name -

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't it, though? omg, I forgot how bad this was.

"What is it, Bolt?" [The abusive boyfriend] asks sharply.

"I want you to leave, now. You are not my boyfriend nor will you ever be again. This is not your world. You are a muggle, a non-magick person. I am a witch, one with powers beyond what you can comprehend. Leave, Brian, don't come near me again." She says icily, staring him down.

[soldurios.livejournal.com]

Lucius would approve. Get that muggle out of the wizarding world, Mary Sue!

Here. Have a mask and a new tattoo. If you want, we can put some sunglasses on the skull just for you.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

OMG WIN. Your comments are always made of win. homg, laughing so hard.

[lady-branwyn.livejournal.com]

Uh, Bolt Yerk? Where did that come from? A random name generator?
Her robes habitually have a phoenix on them across the left shoulder and a pair of silver sunglasses
So her robes wear silver sunglasses. That must look strange.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

omg, that was exactly what I was thinking! First I wondered if the phoenix was wearing them, lol.

Isn't that one of the strangest Sue names? I had to double-check it because I couldn't imagine that it was really the name, but it is.

[todayiamadaisy]

Like the others, I can't get past the name. The rest of it pales in comparison. :-)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I know, isn't it amazing? I really thought for a minute that we had misrecorded it somehow, but nope, it's real. *boggles*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

I couldn't get past Bolt Yerk . WTEF.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I know, isn't it just a complete hoot? omg, I'm still giggling. As I was typing this entry, I thought, oh hell no, we made a mistake--and then I looked it up. It's really the Sue's name. LOL!!

[droxy.livejournal.com]

Is it possible for a sue to have normal clothing?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I don't think so. I don't think I've ever seen a Sue whose clothing was not described in at least slightly purple prose. LOL!!

[r-grayjoy.livejournal.com]

Wow, there's a whole lot of WTFery in this one... ! That name! YERK?? It sounds like something my cat does on the bed after ingesting too much hair!

Also, I love the fact that she's only known about her witch status for two years, and yet she's apparently skilled enough to teach DADA. But then, if Lockhart could do it... What's another in a long line of incompetent DADA profs?

::snerks big time at Yule in June::

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't that just the most incredible noise--er, name ever? I mean, seriously, I just stared at it.

And it is hilarious that she really is just continuing the in the tradition of Lockhart. LOL. Crowned by her dancing at the Yule Ball in June.

Yep, definitely a lot of snerking going on here. :)

[artystone.livejournal.com]

I think Bolt Yerk must have previously worked in a furniture store. You know those annoying "CHRISTMAS IN JULY!" sales they always have.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_vocalion_/]

Thanks. Now that weird name is stuck in my head and I can't pry it loose. In fact it bothered me so much that I had to web search for the story. The A/N says it all. :-)

Oh, and while I'm here...

I rarely remember my dreams, but I remember a fragment of a dream I had few nights ago: Henry David Thoreau knocked on your door and asked you to come live with him at Walden Pond. You said thanks just the same, but it was an historical site now, so you wouldn't have any privacy. See the strange influence your pond pics have had on me? :-D

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I so TOTALLY almost included the A/N. HA!

And I think the name actually wasn't obvious, because she's called Miss Yerk at one point, and then her first name pops up later, and that's when it clicks and you think, Bolt Yerk? homg. haha!

Hooray for pondly-inspired dreams! The pond is pleased as punch to have so much influence. Maybe the dreaming turtles are sending their minds out to tweak our dreams...

[wiccarowan.livejournal.com]

So she's had no clue she was a witch, yet two years later she's teaching DADA and giving Harry topsekrit!info OMGWTFBBQ?

Also, I wonder what her middle name is.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't that amazing? She must be a prodigy. What am I saying?! Of course she is. She can probably dance on the head of a pin as well.

And wouldn't it be great if her middle name were...Mathilda or Henrietta or something? LOL.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

These are still such fun and make me miss the fandom since I haven't been reading.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I know, they make me nostalgic as well! I have been kind of disconnected from HP fandom for a while, and these make me yearn for the good old days. :)

[soldurios.livejournal.com]

There are times when I find the comments more entertaining than the description itself. Mainly because others tend to bring up classic things that sometimes escape me. Reading through these comments, it struck me that people were a little confused as to the name. I don't really see anything particularly confusing about this. So to make the whole issue more sensible, I've added a visual that should help.



As you can see, Dumbledore has sunk to a new low and allowed in a dog to teach DADA. Bolt here had to deal with an abusive owner. Snape, with a secret fondness for dogs, sympathized with Bolt and always gives him an extra snack.

The "end of the year Yule Ball" is actually a pretty rubber ball that Snape gave to Bolt at the end of the year. It's called a Yule Ball because it has pretty pictures of Christmas trees and snow painted on it.

As for Bolt giving Harry secret information on Voldemort, this was due to Bolt bringing a dead rat to Harry's doorstep. Unfortunately, Peter couldn't tell Harry much of anything, what with the being dead and all, but Bolt was trying and Harry was too nice to argue.

As a postscript to this whole ordeal, the students did say that Bolt was the most informative DADA professor they've ever had.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO OMG OMG.

I can't even quote anything in this comment because the whole thing is covered with awesomesauce. YES.

YES.

And of course Bolt was the most informative DADA professor they've ever had. Probably the best-smelling, as well, except for Lockhart.

LOL! YOU WIN.

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

Name of Sue: Bolt Yerk

Eye color: silver

Hair color: short, spiky, crimson

You've got to be shitting me.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I could not make this up. Seriously. Isn't it awesome?

[artystone.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO Last time I heard anything like "Bolt Yerk" I ended up cleaning up a hairball.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

OMG, it does rock, doesn't it? I have to admit, I didn't even notice the name until I started C&Ping the stuff into the form, and then I paused for a second, thinking that it couldn't be possible.

But it is.

*snort*