Feeling low

[valis2]

I'm just so sad today. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother at the rehab facility she's in right now. It's awful, because I look around and see so many elderly people in the last stages of life--unaware, slack-faced, mumbling, and I know my grandmother isn't really close to that yet, and she's trapped there, away from her beloved birds and her "treasures". It was terrible to leave her there. It felt terrible. It still feels terrible, to know that she's away from her cocoon, in an unfamiliar place with no feeling of home at all.

As awful a human being she is, as underhandedly nasty as she is, as angelic as she seems while the devil lurks underneath--I still care about her and wish that her life right now could be different. Her physical health is pretty good, except for the cracked pelvis which landed her in the hospital and now the rehab facility.

When she's done with the rehab she's going to an apartment. Assisted living. I know we'll be able to put some of her "treasures" there and try to make her comfortable, but I'm still so sad about this. Sad and yet not sad. She made her life into what it is today, and while you can say she has to lie in the bed she made, at the same time you know the bed is full of suffering.

I'm so conflicted about all of this.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends coming over tomorrow. I'm just so cheerless right now and the inevitability of mental degeneration looms like a spectre over everything. My parents are going out of their minds trying to deal with this, and I wish they didn't have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am seriously tired from a long week of crazy and I have a headache and I'm feeling stretched too thin. And I know that when I get in bed that, even as incredibly worn-out as I am right now, I will not be able to fall asleep.

(Am just venting. No need for hugs or stuff. Just knowing that a few of you are listening makes me feel better, and less selfish and stuff.)

Comments

[artystone.livejournal.com]

You are a very sweet and caring person. It's really hard to feel angry at someone who finds themselves like your g'ma. I hope she recovers quickly and gets into a place where she can have her treasures around her.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks. I would say that I'm emo, honestly. ;)

I just hope she doesn't break her pelvis entirely; that's a real possibility. While she was "taking care of herself" she ended up not taking any medications and sliding into a black hole. She was pretty messed up by the time my parents figured out what had happened--she fell out of her (extremely high) bed and that's what probably injured her.

Her hallucinations were pretty bad. At this point, they are giving her medication and keeping her fed (to the best of their abilities), and that has definitely made a huge improvement.

I just hope that the assisted living situation is forgiving about the birds. She cherishes them deeply (heh, more than any person in her life, of course) and she misses them terribly.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

This sounds so tough! It's so hard to see our loved ones (even if they are cruel) age and lose their energy and faculties. I think it's one of the hardest things we have to deal with in life.

My thoughts really are with you right now. I know I wouldn't be able to stay angry with her either, and I think that's fine. I hope that she gets well enough to have a place that's somewhat her own in the future. Even having some of her things and treasures around her will be better.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I do hope that she can retain some quality of life. I really do. I shudder thinking of her at that home with some of her faculties still intact--it's terribly sad.

[marginaliana]

I'm going to send you hugs anyway, because I just want to.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Thanks, sweetie. *hugs in return*

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

There's something very depressing about seeing family members in hospital. It's hard for me seeing strangers in that state when I'm working as a nurse, I'm too soft sometimes. Your feelings are understandable. I'm sorry your grandmother is not how you 'd like her to have been.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I work with nurses at my day job, and I always wonder how one can take on a vocation like that--one that requires you to have so much compassion, yet have to deal with people at their lowest. It must be rough.

My grandma is showing signs of improvement--I just hope that she can deal with the assisted living situation. She's so consumed with her house and her "treasures" that it's rather difficult to even present her with this. Even worse to tell her it's not a choice--her house is just impossible for her to deal with now. The bedroom--and both full bathrooms--are on the upper floor, and there's no way that she can walk up the stairs with the injury. Her laundry machines are in the basement. The house is very dusty, despite cleanings, especially due to the birds.

Thanks for your kind words!

[tjwritter.livejournal.com]

I'm here...and I'm listening...and I'll even offer cyber hugs as it is all I am good for...but know that you are not alone!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Thanks so much! I appreciate it. I feel better, honestly.

[iamrighthere.livejournal.com]

No one enjoys seeing a family member in a rehab center or nursing home. You are very conflicted in your feelings for your grandmom, but that's understandable because she isn't in a good situation. No matter how angry you might be, you still want her to be comfortable. Shows how deep your capacity to care goes! Assisted living sounds like a good solution because they will see that g'ma takes her meds and eats right and maybe even socializes with other humans.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I really think that this will be the best situation for her--no more stairs! No more dust! And taking the pills and eating properly are the biggest issues. I mean, seriously--once you haven't eaten protein in a week, anyone would be loopy!

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Always a need for hugs.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Thanks.

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* It's not being 'selfish' needing to talk about a difficult situation with others - it's being human.

Rehab centers, assisted living... Unfortunate but necessary realities when an older person no longer possesses the health to live independently. The fact that she's not the nicest of people yet you still wish she was facing a 'better' solution shows how compassionate a person you are.

You said you're feeling guilty about your grandmother being separated from her 'cocoon' but... what other practical option was there? Let her stay at her house were she could not/would not be able to care for herself? Let me tell you from personal experience that's not a solution - either you'd go nuts always fretting over whether she had gotten hurt and was laying on the floor incapacitated OR she'd drive you and your relatives nuts with her demands to be rescued every time she got into a situation where she couldn't physically handle any longer.

No, it's not nice being in a rehab center, but if your grandmother still has her mental faculties then she still has the ability to make choices and take responsiblity for her actions - and the most mature action she can take is to chose to co-operate with her rehab team and work on her recovery so she can move out of there and into assisted living as rapidly as possible.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You said you're feeling guilty about your grandmother being separated from her 'cocoon' but... what other practical option was there? Let her stay at her house were she could not/would not be able to care for herself? Let me tell you from personal experience that's not a solution - either you'd go nuts always fretting over whether she had gotten hurt and was laying on the floor incapacitated OR she'd drive you and your relatives nuts with her demands to be rescued every time she got into a situation where she couldn't physically handle any longer.

She hides everything--she is getting paranoid and she's delusional at this point, and has been diagnosed with dementia. It's been pretty contained until recently, when she fell out of her bed in the middle of the night. My parents were coming to pick her up and take her to a new doctor, one who specializes in geriatric patients and who would be able to deal with her situation (her original doctor never caught on to her delusions! Seriously, we were going crazy about it--she had that doctor CONVINCED that she was totally in her right mind). As they were driving to the house, they were called by a neighbor because the driveway was full of police cars, an EMS truck, and a fire truck. She told the police that she had been robbed and beaten up--I'm sure she had no idea that she fell out of bed. She is fixated on robberies.

At this point she's called the police three times. You're right--she has no ability to care for herself at this point, and she's proven it completely.

She's acting very nice right now, because she wants to go back home, of course. When she realizes she's not, all hell is going to break loose. My parents are thinking of leaving her alone for the first week there--they feel she might come to terms better with it, because her passive-aggressiveness will make her behave nicely with the staff, perhaps.

She has never been mature, and cooperation is not in her vocabulary, so I cringe to think of where this is going. Time and time again my mother has presented her with the idea of moving into a smaller home or apartment (seriously, for ten years, ever since my grandmother's second husband died), and time and time again she's played along, only to later act like no conversation ever occurred. She says whatever she can to make you think she's listening and going her way, but privately, she only goes her own way.

Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate your comments so very much. *hugs* I miss you!

[jaelle-n-gilla.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry you feel like that.
Things like that make me think about old age. Three of my grandparents died in hospitals, but at least there were people around they knew. Only one died at home in his sleep. My parents are far away. Where will they end up? And me? I don't even have children.
It scares me, all of that. I wish our society had a better way of caring for their old, disabled, and kids, too, for that matter. *sighs*
I hope you have fun with your friends. Chase away the clouds!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My other set of grandparents passed away soon after they were diagnosed with troubles--but they were in poor physical health. My grandmother is in great physical health, except for her poor diet and the dementia--she could live for a long, long time, which is very sad, because the idea of living without your mind is a terrible thing.

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Why on earth do you feel selfish? *hugs*

I relate to your post a lot, in that it makes me think of my own feelings towards my grandmother who is advanced in senility now. It's hard. I feel really bad for my father.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I feel selfish because of a great many reasons--laying this burden onto everyone else and whining about it is human, but it's also selfish. Every one of my flisters has her/his own set of problems too, y'know?

I'm just trying to deal with this the only way I know--talking about it. At the same time, I'm aware that this is only a drop in an ocean of suffering.

*hugs back*

I feel terrible for my mother, too. It's her mom, and it's been super rough for her.

[todayiamadaisy]

You're not selfish at all. It's so tough making decisions like that and watching people struggle.

Have a great day with your friends to take your mind off it. :-)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie. :) I'm going to try my best to simply enjoy myself.

First I have to clean, though. ugh. ;)

[josanpq.livejournal.com]

I sympathise. My mother still thinks I'm 12. Unless she wants something.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My grandmother has always put us into boxes. If you are silly when you first meet her, you will always be silly. Always. There is no room for change in her universe. She has no idea who people are outside of her own scope of manipulation.

*hugs* Thanks for commenting.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

That is much how I felt about my mother. Hope things perk for you.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks. And I'm sorry that you have to be in such a tough situation, too. *hugs*

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

::sigh:: I think everything you're feeling here is totally normal and not selfish at all. It seems like when it comes down to this stage of life it just gets so complicated--even for people who are less complicated than your grandmother.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I was so drained from just spending an hour at the rehab place--it's really such a difficult experience. I mean, I used to do volunteer work at a nursing home, so I'm not entirely surprised by any of this, but still--it really hit home.

Thanks for the comment. *hugs*

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

This is a tough decision, and I don't envy you and your parents. My mum all my grandparents at home at old age, and now, there is only my grandma left. It's very hard to care for old people at home, especially when they are prone to mood swings or physical illnesses and I can understand the decision not to do it.

I wouldn't want to care for my parents, not if things would be more extreme, you know? I simply wouldn't. They know that, and I know that it pains my mum, but I won't lie about it. Thank god my dad is more rational about these things.

I hope that your grandma will be able to regain some quality for her life when she's done with the rehab. And that she will be able to adjust to the new situation. I wish you all strength.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You're so right--it's very difficult to care for elderly parents. Especially when they're cantankerous and they have memory problems. My grandma has already said that she wants to live with my mom and dad, who absolutely cannot take her in--they aren't capable of the care she needs now, and she would be out of her healthcare network and that would be financially crippling.

I really hope that once they move her into the assisted living situation that she'll be more comfortable. I am crossing my fingers.

It must be so difficult for her--she hasn't spent a night away from home in at least twenty years, y'know? So sad.

[ex-indykat261.livejournal.com]

My grandfather was -- to others, but rarely to me -- a mean, crabby old man, so I can identify.

I'm sorry you're feeling "stretched too thin" these days. I think there are times where we feel like we can't come up for air no matter what, and when we get that little breath were suddenly inundated once again. I'm glad you've taken some time our for your friends today, and I hope they cheer you up tremendously!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was so wonderful to spend time with friends--extremely refreshing and a bit of a recharge, y'know? I'm feeling better.

We're going to see my grandma again today, and we'll see what happens.

What's weird about her is that she isn't openly mean--it's all hidden. The passive-aggressive manipulation, the selfishness--it's all inside, and you rarely see it.

[ziasudra.livejournal.com]

I'm reading this late and I hope you're feeling better after the venting. I hope your grandma will recover enough to move into the apartment soon.

*sends you lots of love*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks so much, sweetie! *hugs* You're so sweet.

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*, just cuz I can. :P

I read the comments, and yeah--friends are there for you, through the good and the bad.

Stuff like this, and things I see from other people, like my BiL's friends, makes me grateful that my grandparents are gone already. They lived long full lives, and while was was a cranky guy, we didn't really have to deal with him.
It was super sad when my mom's mom went, but that has been over 11 years now, so we've had time to adjust.

My bf's Gram, though, was like his mom, and she's going downhill-it was great to see her this summer, but sad, b/c she has dementia. She lives with family--one of my bf's Aunts and her fam--but they're just able to keep up the level of care. If at some point she can't use the loo anymore, she'll have to go into a home, and that really sucks. :(
But the aunt told me how gram had said to put her in a home if she was ever as bad as the uncle's mom, and gram is already way worse than that, apparently. :(
*sigh*

*big hugs* We're all in this crazy game of life together, y'know. :P

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My other grandparents went blessedly fast in comparison, with little or no time spent in a nursing home.

Her dementia has worsened over the last two years, but because of her unhelpful doctor (and other issues), we haven't been able to do much. I'm really glad that she's somewhere where they can track her medicines and her intake of food.

The home mentioned that she was malnourished, which I expect is some small part of her crazy behavior. She has seemed to improve a little, which is great.

Thanks. *hugs*