Feeling low

[valis2]

I'm just so sad today. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother at the rehab facility she's in right now. It's awful, because I look around and see so many elderly people in the last stages of life--unaware, slack-faced, mumbling, and I know my grandmother isn't really close to that yet, and she's trapped there, away from her beloved birds and her "treasures". It was terrible to leave her there. It felt terrible. It still feels terrible, to know that she's away from her cocoon, in an unfamiliar place with no feeling of home at all.

As awful a human being she is, as underhandedly nasty as she is, as angelic as she seems while the devil lurks underneath--I still care about her and wish that her life right now could be different. Her physical health is pretty good, except for the cracked pelvis which landed her in the hospital and now the rehab facility.

When she's done with the rehab she's going to an apartment. Assisted living. I know we'll be able to put some of her "treasures" there and try to make her comfortable, but I'm still so sad about this. Sad and yet not sad. She made her life into what it is today, and while you can say she has to lie in the bed she made, at the same time you know the bed is full of suffering.

I'm so conflicted about all of this.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends coming over tomorrow. I'm just so cheerless right now and the inevitability of mental degeneration looms like a spectre over everything. My parents are going out of their minds trying to deal with this, and I wish they didn't have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am seriously tired from a long week of crazy and I have a headache and I'm feeling stretched too thin. And I know that when I get in bed that, even as incredibly worn-out as I am right now, I will not be able to fall asleep.

(Am just venting. No need for hugs or stuff. Just knowing that a few of you are listening makes me feel better, and less selfish and stuff.)

Comments

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

This is a tough decision, and I don't envy you and your parents. My mum all my grandparents at home at old age, and now, there is only my grandma left. It's very hard to care for old people at home, especially when they are prone to mood swings or physical illnesses and I can understand the decision not to do it.

I wouldn't want to care for my parents, not if things would be more extreme, you know? I simply wouldn't. They know that, and I know that it pains my mum, but I won't lie about it. Thank god my dad is more rational about these things.

I hope that your grandma will be able to regain some quality for her life when she's done with the rehab. And that she will be able to adjust to the new situation. I wish you all strength.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You're so right--it's very difficult to care for elderly parents. Especially when they're cantankerous and they have memory problems. My grandma has already said that she wants to live with my mom and dad, who absolutely cannot take her in--they aren't capable of the care she needs now, and she would be out of her healthcare network and that would be financially crippling.

I really hope that once they move her into the assisted living situation that she'll be more comfortable. I am crossing my fingers.

It must be so difficult for her--she hasn't spent a night away from home in at least twenty years, y'know? So sad.