Feeling low

[valis2]

I'm just so sad today. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother at the rehab facility she's in right now. It's awful, because I look around and see so many elderly people in the last stages of life--unaware, slack-faced, mumbling, and I know my grandmother isn't really close to that yet, and she's trapped there, away from her beloved birds and her "treasures". It was terrible to leave her there. It felt terrible. It still feels terrible, to know that she's away from her cocoon, in an unfamiliar place with no feeling of home at all.

As awful a human being she is, as underhandedly nasty as she is, as angelic as she seems while the devil lurks underneath--I still care about her and wish that her life right now could be different. Her physical health is pretty good, except for the cracked pelvis which landed her in the hospital and now the rehab facility.

When she's done with the rehab she's going to an apartment. Assisted living. I know we'll be able to put some of her "treasures" there and try to make her comfortable, but I'm still so sad about this. Sad and yet not sad. She made her life into what it is today, and while you can say she has to lie in the bed she made, at the same time you know the bed is full of suffering.

I'm so conflicted about all of this.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends coming over tomorrow. I'm just so cheerless right now and the inevitability of mental degeneration looms like a spectre over everything. My parents are going out of their minds trying to deal with this, and I wish they didn't have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am seriously tired from a long week of crazy and I have a headache and I'm feeling stretched too thin. And I know that when I get in bed that, even as incredibly worn-out as I am right now, I will not be able to fall asleep.

(Am just venting. No need for hugs or stuff. Just knowing that a few of you are listening makes me feel better, and less selfish and stuff.)

Comments

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

...I feel selfish because of a great many reasons--laying this burden onto everyone else and whining about it is human, but it's also selfish. Every one of my flisters has her/his own set of problems too, y'know?...

I've noticed that you're always quick to post words of comfort, encouragement, and support whenever one of your flist talks about a problem they're having. So why are you being so negative towards yourself when it's your turn to ask for help? Acquaintances share the 'good' times together - friends are the people who stand by you when times are 'bad'.

You're not 'laying this burden onto everyone else' simply because you're talking about a difficult situation in your life. And you're definitely not 'whining' about the situation either - 'whining' is when someone complains about the job they're in but refuse to leave merely because they're too lazy to go find a new job. You, lady, are NOT whining. You're talking openly about what's going on with your grandmother and how it's affecting you. You're not expecting or demanding for any of your flist to magically step in and solve the problem. So how are you being 'selfish' when you give your flist a chance to offer support during your time of need, especially considering all the times you've helped your flist in the past?

As you're discovering, many of your flist have gone through similar situations with our grandparents or other relatives; we understand many of the emotions that you're going through. So why are you unintentionally condescending our efforts to share with you the insights we learned through our own difficult experiences? - because you do that every time you use the word 'selfish'. How is it negative when you're giving us a chance to help you?

Think about it...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I just feel that my problems are probably nothing compared to many problems other people have on my flist--but at the same time I can't help myself, I want to hear what others have to say, and just putting it into words is helpful.

;) I get what you're saying, but at the same time I have to admit that it's hard-wired in--I feel like I need a disclaimer every time I talk about my own problems, y'know? That's a really hard habit to break.

Thanks so much for listening, and the comment is very thought-provoking. I appreciate it.

[schemingreader.livejournal.com]

Well, I come from a culture where constant kvetching is a mode of seeking connection, and I'm very happy to hear what's really happening in your life. I understand why you don't want to complain, and I find it charmingly foreign.

More than just liking to know what's going on, I can relate. I went through watching my grandmother's inability to care for herself a few years ago. My grandma did not have dementia, but she did have a strong fear and distrust of doctors, and wasn't taking all the medications she was supposed to be taking. She was an amazingly sweet person, all the time, to everyone, but she was also squirreling away possessions and money in strange places in her apparently clean apartment. She was basically mentally healthy, but socially isolated after she retired from work at age 93, and just, whatever, weird about medicine. It made it harder when she had to go to the hospital. I live in another city and my parents had to handle this without substantial help from me or my sister.

My grandma was not too happy in rehab, but when it became clear that she wasn't taking care of herself enough, we moved her to assisted living where she could have her own possessions around her. She lived there for awhile and made friends with her peers. It was a good experience. After she died, I went with my mom to clean out the assisted living apartment. My mom had managed to get a lot of the crucial stuff from my grandma's place into the smaller rooms, so that it really felt like her home. So that I felt her absence, even though I hadn't been in that apartment with her.

I still miss my grandmother.

I think it's harder if you don't have a good relationship than if you do. You have to let go of the possibility that she could ever be better to her children and grandchildren, as she gets less able.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Well, I come from a culture where constant kvetching is a mode of seeking connection, and I'm very happy to hear what's really happening in your life. I understand why you don't want to complain, and I find it charmingly foreign.

sylvadin is completely correct--I can read a thousand entries detailing the misery of others, and feel very compassionate toward them, but when it comes down to my journal, I feel like I'm "whining." Heh.

My grandma is a truly awful person, with a candy coating. It's tough to see people talk about how wonderful she is, when we know she's really not, and that as soon as the person leaves, my grandma is going to basically say all sorts of horrible things about them.

You have to let go of the possibility that she could ever be better to her children and grandchildren, as she gets less able.

Truer, more insightful words were never spoken. I've tried to abandon my ideas of how she could be a better person, and just deal with her and get the most enjoyment out of it that I possibly can; but it's impossible for my mom to do the same thing. She's really angry and resentful and yet very dutiful at the same time. It's hard watching her go through such a difficult time.

Thank you so much for the comment, I appreciate it very very much.