Feeling low

[valis2]

I'm just so sad today. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother at the rehab facility she's in right now. It's awful, because I look around and see so many elderly people in the last stages of life--unaware, slack-faced, mumbling, and I know my grandmother isn't really close to that yet, and she's trapped there, away from her beloved birds and her "treasures". It was terrible to leave her there. It felt terrible. It still feels terrible, to know that she's away from her cocoon, in an unfamiliar place with no feeling of home at all.

As awful a human being she is, as underhandedly nasty as she is, as angelic as she seems while the devil lurks underneath--I still care about her and wish that her life right now could be different. Her physical health is pretty good, except for the cracked pelvis which landed her in the hospital and now the rehab facility.

When she's done with the rehab she's going to an apartment. Assisted living. I know we'll be able to put some of her "treasures" there and try to make her comfortable, but I'm still so sad about this. Sad and yet not sad. She made her life into what it is today, and while you can say she has to lie in the bed she made, at the same time you know the bed is full of suffering.

I'm so conflicted about all of this.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends coming over tomorrow. I'm just so cheerless right now and the inevitability of mental degeneration looms like a spectre over everything. My parents are going out of their minds trying to deal with this, and I wish they didn't have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am seriously tired from a long week of crazy and I have a headache and I'm feeling stretched too thin. And I know that when I get in bed that, even as incredibly worn-out as I am right now, I will not be able to fall asleep.

(Am just venting. No need for hugs or stuff. Just knowing that a few of you are listening makes me feel better, and less selfish and stuff.)

Comments

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I work with nurses at my day job, and I always wonder how one can take on a vocation like that--one that requires you to have so much compassion, yet have to deal with people at their lowest. It must be rough.

My grandma is showing signs of improvement--I just hope that she can deal with the assisted living situation. She's so consumed with her house and her "treasures" that it's rather difficult to even present her with this. Even worse to tell her it's not a choice--her house is just impossible for her to deal with now. The bedroom--and both full bathrooms--are on the upper floor, and there's no way that she can walk up the stairs with the injury. Her laundry machines are in the basement. The house is very dusty, despite cleanings, especially due to the birds.

Thanks for your kind words!

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

It's not always easy-for me. Some people make it hard to care for them, others are in your thoughts long after work is over because they are so wonderful despite their illness, and then there are those special few who I don't want to see ever again. It's very hard within the profession to tell your manager that you don't want to care for someone. Some are creepy and manipulative and nasty. There have been less than five in my more than 30 years of nursing, but they linger in my brain. ugh I need to read some p0rn to get it clear.

Your grandmother is clinging to her life, her independence, her identity. It's a dreadful thing to become dependent. With time she will learn to cope. At least her house isn't filthy or overcluttered.

I see a lot of elderly in their homes and some it's appalling, nothing thrown out for years, having to tiptoe thru piles of stuff, no clear surfaces. One poor man owned his own home, but had little cash. He desperately needed his remaining teeth removed so he would be able to have his hips replaced- risks for anesthesia and infection.
Dental work is not covered in our universal health system. It seems that teeth and eyes are not part of the human body (grins widely- obviously the dentists were clever and have been able to control their own earnings.

Well anyways- this poor man was bent over, his house was soooooo filthy, the fridge door had layers of dirt you couldnt imagine, and the rest was worse. I passed it the other day and a sold sign outside, a large dumpster outside overflowing. I don't believe there was anything that could be saved from that house. I gather the man has been moved to long term care, at least I hope so.

I suppose your grandmother will do well in time, be supportive but don't let her guilt you out.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My grandmother's home was terribly overcluttered. She has more bric-a-brac than any human being should possess. Also, she buys--and hoards--crazy things, like canned goods and Spray-n-Wash. She has at least six giant bottles of Spray-n-Wash, just to give you an idea.

My parents have been cleaning the house for ages. They've gotten rid of fourteen bags of canned goods that were expired, dented, and half-exploded, in some cases. Some of the cans were from the eighties.

She was keeping up with the cleaning for awhile--but just finally couldn't do it anymore. My parents have cleaned occasionally, but it just isn't enough. And they don't live down here anymore.

They've done so much work, but there's so much more to do. Everywhere you look there is clutter. Everywhere you look there are tiny little things. One table has sixty teeny frogs and geese inside of it, and it's only about 14" square. And it has five rose figurines on top of it. Everything is stuffed full of tiny horrible knick-knacks.

My grandmother is an angel to strangers, and a demon to family. I think she will be an okay patient for awhile, but eventually the demon will come out. I feel for the staff who has to care for her. She's already started the robbery accusations. She thinks that the people at the rehab facility have taken her money ($300, according to her) and her purse.

She was admitted with nothing but her clothing and a change purse containing five singles.

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

sixty teeny frogs ooh, my sister collects frogs- Sounds like a lot of houses I go to with lone seniors. I'm going to spare my family by keeping the clutter down, the one thing I do hoard are books, oh and well kitchen tools.