One of the worst LotR Sues ever.

[valis2]

This is being skewered on deleterius, here, but I just had to mention a couple lines that made me nearly pass out from laughing so hard. The Suethor has the desire to write in a very cultured way, but the fact that she tries to dress up every sentence with a few extra fancy words creates the most awful mess I've ever slogged through. I read some aloud to a friend, and at one point I said, "I can't read any more aloud, because you'll leap up at some point as if you've been stung and run out the door and I'll never see you again."

Glad to see she has little purpose in life, and eyes...er...just read.
Then a feeling of adventure flowed through her veins. A sudden urge to go to the Shire came into her mind. Yes, she decided, it was time for another journey that had no real meaning and depended strictly on curiosity...
Morantwen awoke with a sudden start. Her eyes had turned the brightest blue ever...Yet when she looked into the mirror her eyes had gotten even brighter than before...Morantwen’ s view came back to the fountain and her eyes continued to be blue...She focused on her eyes. They were jet black except for the thin strips of blue from before...She stared into the well... Her eyes. As she stared, the color in her eyes swirled like a pot of boiling, black poison. Then, a windmill of blue color came into the iris’ concoction. The color grew. Until color of her eyes were the colors of the curved rivers.

Yes, because it would be so tacky to have eyes the color of a straight river.

The worst battle scene ever
Astalder ran without commands through the brush and trees of the Realm. Orcs jumped from bough to bough in order to keep up. Then, one of them took a risk and jumped Morantwen and Astalder. Slash! To the orc’s dismay, Morantwen’s blade severed its head with her accidental wrist movement. At this action, the orcs screeched and shrieked horribly. They started to leap down the smooth bark and rain down upon her. Aghast, Morantwen started to force her mount to speed up. Astalder, not even trying to run, started to sprint at a pace that even the orcs’ arrows couldn’t pin down.

I can't quote the rest of the battle. It burns. But I really am starting to wonder about accidental wrist movement, and whether OSHA covers that in their guidelines.

Frodo is possessed by the Mary Sue's spores
[Frodo to Sue, while waiting for Gandalf to return from Gondor (the scene where he tells Frodo it's the One Ring)] “Somehow I trust you completely. I don’t know why but I feel that I can confide in you.”

The Sue cooks. And the Suethor cannot write without throwing a few extra-fancy words in.
As soon as she said that Sam and Frodo bolted toward the sizzling dish over the fire. They grabbed the bowls and took many mushrooms from the twenty-plus pile of the delectable goodies. Frodo also noticed a small pitcher. He pointed at it as he swallowed a mushroom.
“I don’t remember havin’ that.”
Morantwen smiled, “That is because I made it last night.” Frodo and Sam looked at her, wide-eyed, as she finished, “It is filled with fresh, cool raspberry juice. I made it last night as well. I left it in a crack of the rock under the water to cool it.” Sam and Frodo stared at each other in amazement.
“You are one miraculous elf, and that’s definitely no mistake,” Sam said with a grin on his face. Morantwen smiled modestly as she daintily picked out a freshly roasted mushroom.

For some reason "daintily" made me howl. She goes grubbing in the dirt for mushrooms, picks a bunch of raspberries, slogs it all with wood and makes a fire, yet she's...still such a girlie girl!

Remember, the Suethor can't just say "He came back with mushrooms".
He came back with the satchel full of lumpy, little umbrella-shaped snacks.

The very worst run-on sentence ever.
[The Sue is angry that Frodo took the Ring out of his pocket while the enemy was overhead.]You just subconsciously pulled out the Ring to put it on and disappoint Gandalf who trusted you to keep the Ring safe, which I have to admit, you succeeded in doing so wonderfully, and of whom thought a hobbit could manage to go to Bree with the most harmful item in Middle-Earth safely! Is that right?”

A Sue's Angst
Most elves I knew were living carefree, painless lives. I was busy having nightmares about dying at the arm of the Deceiver. No one knew. I couldn’t tell-couldn’t trust-anyone. Not even my father. I am possibly the only elf with problems in and outside Middle-Earth. Problems that aren’t quick-answered, life-or-death situations. I have to suffer.”

"Hi. Thanks for calling. I'm busy having nightmares right now. If you leave a message, I'll call you back right after I die by Sauron's hand."

Los Weapons Fabulosos
[Describing one of her many special weapons]A curved spike stuck out each side of the elven-blade. Merry was strung. But that wasn’t all.

Merry is a bead now? Wow. Hobbit beads. Whodathunkit. Act now and receive this very special limited edition dwarf toothpick...

The bow was smooth, pure silver with the same markings upon it as the blade. The string hooked onto it was a strand from her mother’s own head. Her mother’s hair was made of the finest threads ever. Softer than silk, they were, and durable. Morantwen shot many arrows and never has the strand frayed or broken. The arrows were made of the finest, lightest blue sapphire. The point was sharp and could pierce the skin with a small touch. It could pinpoint targets miles away and still manage a fatal strike. The end of it held a single Aridian leaf. It was smooth and tough, but also soft yet sturdy.

Patriot arrows? Cool! I would like to mention that an arrow with only a single leaf is going to skew in one direction terribly. I won't even touch the fact that her bowstring is from her mom's wig.

The Worst Transformation Ever.
Her childhood self was running past the elegant structures, holding her kin and close friends. She had turned into a beautiful marble building where she saw her mother. Her name was Vanima, Queen of Aridan. She had been reading that day. In a beautiful dress, it was, emerald green and down to the floor. The bottoms of the sleeves barely grazed the floor. Vanima raised her head. She smiled as her as her bright green eyes twinkled and her daughter ran into her arms. Morantwen suddenly came out of her memoirs. Tears were slowly falling from her eyes as she closed them and shut out the terrorizing blue still lingering.

All I can really say here is...hahahhahaha!! WonderSue powers activate! Form of a...marble building! And how pretty...A dress that's down to the floor! She falls out of a book about her life! Teh Ebil Blue Eyes won't let her rest! HAHAHAHaa

Thank you for the author's note, or I would have stayed awake all night in terror.
Sam had finished counting his mushrooms, (nineteen, if you’re wondering), and was staring into the distance.

Townsfolk are suspicious of the Sue, and rightfully so, as she talks through 'bared teeth' and threatens them with her evil moniker.
The hobbits turned to watch, as Morantwen looked the Gatekeeper in the eyes. Her face turned cross.
“Excuse me, young sir,” she said through bared teeth, “I believe your hand is in my way.”
“I believe it is. Who might you be?”
“I do not believe I feel like telling you. But if you do not let me through, I believe I will be known as Your Worst Nightmare.” Merry smiled at Morantwen’s words.
“Now,” she continued, “I am here to protect these young hobbits and I will not let you come in my way,” she added, pushing his hand afar from her face, “Go on interrogating others that are worth being interrogated and leave unworthy ones to spend precious time doing things that are actually important and leave people like me alone to use anger on people they need it for. Oh, yes, and, uh, good evening, sir.” Frodo raised his eyebrows as Morantwen walked past the Gatekeeper with a small smile on her face. Once they all walked a little distance, Pippin started laughing hysterically. Frodo laughed as well. Sam smiled as Merry stifled his own joyful giggling.

The spores. I warned you about the spores. The hobbits are infected now. It is too late. Save yourself.

The Sue takes a cue from Mom and knows the ease of wigs as well.
Morantwen and the hobbits walked down the sides of the roads. Her black hair hung in soaked strings around her. They all watched the signs while avoiding traffic.

Where are they, Chicago?

I would quote more, but I have to go chase my friend down.

Comments

[mortifyd.livejournal.com]

I couldn't get past her eye colour in the first teeny bit... I didn't even make it to the end of the paragraph. *gags*

*shudder*

Someone needs to hurt whoever "wrote" that.

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

I would really like to think this was a joke. Unfortunately, I don't think it is humanly possibly to intentionally write that bad.

This was a howler.

Marianne

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Every so often, when Potter fandom becomes really annoying, I contemplate getting more into reading Tolkien fics. Then someone helpfully points up stuff like this, and I remember why one crappy fandom is enough.

Being a nitpicking canon fanatic, I stumbled over her epithet for Sauron "The Deceiver". Er, scuse babes, but that's largely movie contamination. He may be called "The Deceiver" somewhere in book canon, but I honestly cannot recall it. Like most Tolkien badass guys, the Dark Lord of Mordor, has a number of names, references and epithets. That is not one of them, I'm pretty sure.

I also blame the movie for asskicking girlie elves. Arwen tended to stay at home and not do much in book canon. There's only one tough girl elf in Tolkien, and that is Luthien, who actually played as heroic a part in the quest for the Silmaril as Beren did, but she is the only such character in all the canon.

Still, I loved the eyes description. The constant repetition of blue had something almost Joyceian about it. Never write a simple declarative sentence if you can possible write a series of complex thesaaurus words heavy with crappy metaphor. All fangirls should be locked in a room and made to read George Orwell until they are sorry. And if that doesn't work, then they should be force read Hemingway. Then shoot them. For good measure.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

This is one of the worst. Really.

I'm not certain that even the infinite monkeys with typewriters scenario could create this.

Glad you enjoyed it...I particularly like the scene with the gatekeeper and the almost unreadable Sue-logic involved.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I re-read the trilogy while on vacation, and because deleterius features both HP and LotR badfics, I've begun reading a few of the LotR one. This was a standout. It definitely is a textbook example of (as you put it so beautifully) "asskicking girlie elves".

As soon as I heard that Liv Tyler, I groaned. I told my sister, "But Arwen---she's only mentioned in an appendix!" We both agreed that the filmmakers would be hellbent to use the heck out of her, and when we heard later that they had turned her into an AGE,we both rolled our eyes. Mostly Arwen sews a banner and stuff. My sister was horrified that Arwen stole Glorfindel's part, though I do understand that there are just so many people in the stories that they had to condense a bit.

The eyes bit is condensed from a few pages of insane description.

I didn't mention the point where the Suethor doesn't realize that horses generally sleep standing up, or many other horrors...I didn't want to lose my entire flist, after all.

Heh...force-feeding Suethors Hemingway is a brilliant idea.

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

Not to mention that the spell on the river wasn't Arwen's spell, but rather Elrond's.

I could never, ever read LotR fanfic. I have a hard enough time not tearing the movies apart (even though I love them).

[valis2.livejournal.com]

The movies make me happy. And they make me cringe. Sometimes in equal amounts.