Brutal honesty: What I Don't Want To Read, by Valis, Age...er...old enough.

[valis2]

As some of you probably know, I am a bit OCD. I like to read fic, and I usually am looking for a specific genre (er, h/c, if it hasn't been obvious). Occasionally I will wade through archives where you can't sort by genre, and this usually means that I skim every summary for fics I might possibly want to read. Usually this just leads to my badfic entries, but sometimes I do find something yummy to read. Anyway, the point is that, over the years, after reading thousands of summaries, I've become very adept at avoiding what I don't want to read. Certain words and phrases are triggers for me at this point.

These are the things that will make me click the back button (well, close tab button) without bothering to read a fic. I mean, besides the obvious squicky stuff--I'm not talking about sex or violence triggers.

• Genres: Parody, Humor, Crossover (just about any kind)


• Any mention of a "sugar high" in the summary


• Script format


• Any actor's name in the title (Duchovny Hears the Who, for example)


• Any actor's name in the summary


• The word "muse" in the summary (I hit the close tab button even faster if there are multiple muses conversing with each other)


• Too much talk about plot bunnies and how they have bitten, clawed, nibbled, ferociously attacked, spindled, folded, or mutilated anyone or anything


• The author mentioning that s/he is a character in the fic


• No summary at all


• Any mention of "beanie baby" in the summary


• More than one noticeable-to-me spelling or punctuation error in the summary


• One noticeable-to-me spelling or punctuation error in the title, unless it's meant as a joke or slyly ironic reference


• Any holiday in the title or summary--Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, you name it


• De-aging fics or fics where the characters are baby versions of themselves


• Fics with the characters as child versions of themselves (except for the very occasional adult-cast-in-high-school-setting fic)


• Fics that are dialogue only


• Death!fic--well, death of a character I like, I should say


• Most AUs, unless the premise is really intriguing and/or I'm hugely vested in the pairing


• Fics where the character is a different gender than in canon, though occasionally I take a peek

And you, flist? What are yours? Please do tell, I'm really interested.

Comments

[lauriegilbert.livejournal.com]

Beanie babies? I think I'm glad I missed that one . . .

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! I'm certain you're glad that you missed that one. Believe me. ;)

[fer-de-lance.livejournal.com]

Haha, beat me to it!

That was the only one that didn't have me nodding an emphatic "me, too!"

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Wait--are you saying you'd read a story with beanie babies in it? You're a braver soul than I am, no lie. *grins*

[cordelia_v]

I'm not sure I think that your hard-won expertise is an unmixed blessing. Because it was wading through all those archives that generated those Epic, Epic badfic posts and links. And those are some of my most cherished fandom experiences. Srsly.

[rufus.livejournal.com]

death!fic (even for characters I don't like; it just makes me sad), spousal abuse and infidelity are my really firm lines.

i happen to really love de-age fics (provided there's nothing abusive or otherwise gross going on) and AUs. Especially vampire AUs.

But the rest of that list . . . yeah. Well. A lot depends on the author. *new* (or new-to-me) authors I'm much more stringent with; old familiar faces will be granted a pass for a lot of things.

[todayiamadaisy]

So you're not interested in the script for my Lord of the Rings/Magnum parody crossover, Sellick annd Silmarien? In which my muse gives me a plot bonny that nubbles its way through the lettuce leaf of fiction to reveal what happens when Magnum eats too many pancakes on Shrove Tuesday and, on a sugar high, swims through a wave to Middle Earth with a beanie baby and finds that he's now a woman and his moustache is getting younger. Then he meets Tom Selleck as a child, and chaos ensues. (I'm in it, obviously, until I die.)

I won't mention any of that in the summary, though. :-)

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I fear i've committed some of these sins! An errorin the summary,holiday stories, parody or humour and I may have mentioned Muses!

Pet hates
X falls in M-e
Anything mentioning Legolas and his father and/ or the twins
NC17 rated
Smut
Slash
Most stories in which the major canon characters are children
Killing a character off early
Gilraen dies before the age of 100

[wiccarowan.livejournal.com]

I'd totally read that.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! I am very glad that my suffering has generated a positive fandom experience for you, lol!

The badfic really is a lovely byproduct of looking for the goodfic, though. And I love rereading that stuff, honestly. It never gets old.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, I totally forgot about infidelity! Yeah, that's another turn-off, usually. Unless, like you say, it's written by someone trusted.

Thanks for commenting!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

bwahahahaha!!

Oh, that was priceless.

You are hilarious.

And if you wrote it, I would read it. *grins* Especially the part about the baby moustache. That sounds adorable!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, they're not sins, they're just things I kind of run from. And if the author is a trusted one, like you, then I will still check the story out, even if it has a few things in the summary that make me nervous. heh.

And omg, I love that you put the "X falls in M-E" thing on your list, that is awesome. Some of the worst LotR badfic I've ever read--er, skimmed has been of that variety. *nodnod*

And I hates it when a character dies too soon. Or usually, if they die at all. *nodnod*

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

Wow, now I'm even more impressed you read my Thanksgiving story. When I write the Christmas one, I won't mention it in the summary.:)

[artystone.livejournal.com]

I haven't paid much attention to fic for a long while, but I have to say the "de-aging" thing and crossover anything spell "Run away! Run away!" to me. And mpreg. Oh god, mpreg.

[thedoingofit.livejournal.com]

Oooh, this was such an interesting entry... I'm always curious what makes people hit the back button when it comes to summaries! AU (with, perhaps, a few exceptions - as you said, if I'm really invested in the pairing, etc), songfics, and anything with mpreg will make me head for the hills, but perhaps I should add beanie babies to that list, too... :o)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, this doesn't count for fandoms I'm highly invested in. I'll read anything. I mean, I even read that one Riptide deathfic. Plus, I knew you'd do something interesting with the holiday. *nodnod*

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, deathfic? Do you mean that one where Cody's getting married and Nick isn't there, or is there another?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Run away, indeed! The de-aging thing is just...no. Just no.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I am so totally fascinated by this topic, too. It's so interesting to hear what people respond to--whether positively or negatively, y'know?

And yeah, the beanie babies thing is now permanently on my list. heee!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yep, that one. *nodnod*

Though I seem to be thinking there's another. Hmm. Maybe I imagined it.

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

There's one that shifts perspectives and tenses in a sort of confusing way so I was constantly confused as to whether or a not a character was dead. And I wrote that one where Murray died in Quinlan's nightmare. It's a small fandom, so I think I've read them all. Well, most.*g*

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Any mention of "beanie baby" in the summary

I just can't help wondering how many fics are out there that mention "beanie baby" in the fic, let alone the summary - I mean, how, exactly, do beanie babies fit into any fanfiction universe? Yet you must've come across it enough times to list it here... I'm intrigued.

Personally, I don't have any hard and fast rules - but then, I don't read much fanfiction anymore. The thing is, if a summary sounds really bad, I might skim the fic for potential badfic hilarity.

[ghost-eye.livejournal.com]

I don't mind de-ageing fics as long as the character grows up, or the de-ageing is something that happens right at the end as part of the conclusion. But if the fic, say, is all about Snape/The Master/Darth Vader caring for baby!Harry/The Doctor/Luke & changing his nappies*, then it's time for me to Abandon Read.

*unless it's humor & written by someone I can trust to do it right

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Actually, I only came across it once, but it was enough to make me put it on the list. lol.

And I do the same thing with bad summaries, of course. They're irresistible!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

If the right author wrote it, it would probably work. But most of them are just all about the changing of the nappies, and I'm just not interested. lol.

[hardboiledbaby]

Oh, my, I'm afraid my muse and plot bunnies loom rather large in my story headers (although I only have the one muse, thank goodness). I actually wrote an S&H drabble once, where in the author's notes, I have a conversation with my muse. In script form. *hangs head in shame*

Lessee, what other heinous crimes have I committed? Just finished a bunch of Xmas-themed stuff for the S&H Advent Calendar, did an ASJ kid!fic, an S&H dialogue-only double-drabble... ROFL!!!

(I'm not making fun of your checklist, sweetie. I can certainly see why they would be red flags. I'm laughing at *me*--a newbie writer, doing all these things that send readers screaming into the night *BG* At least I know enough not to Mary Sue, thank goodness.) I actually could see myself doing a death!fic someday, but there would definitely be a warning.

As for things that wave me off:
RPF/RPS
BDSM (other than the occasional furry handcuffs *G*)
Mpreg

And, yeah, beanie babies. :D

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, my, I'm afraid my muse and plot bunnies loom rather large in my story headers (although I only have the one muse, thank goodness). I actually wrote an S&H drabble once, where in the author's notes, I have a conversation with my muse. In script form. *hangs head in shame*

Oh, it's common enough, honestly, and I'm an elitist sort of bitch for being frustrated with it.

This isn't to say that it's bad, honestly. It's just that I'm so tired of reading unenergetic and uninteresting muse stories. Now, once in a while there will be a fresh version that will excite me. Because that's what it's all about--a good author can make me want to read anything. And I don't mind a bit of a plot bunny reference--it's just when people go overboard about how the bunny was sinking its fangs into the author's ankle, and then the author reached over to pet it and lost fingers, and then the bunny's tail incited a revolt in Tanzania...you get the picture.

Lessee, what other heinous crimes have I committed? Just finished a bunch of Xmas-themed stuff for the S&H Advent Calendar, did an ASJ kid!fic, an S&H dialogue-only double-drabble... ROFL!!!

*snorts* Yes, but the thing is--you're a good author. And as such, I will take a chance on any of those things because you are a good author. ;)

(I'm not making fun of your checklist, sweetie. I can certainly see why they would be red flags. I'm laughing at *me*--a newbie writer, doing all these things that send readers screaming into the night *BG* At least I know enough not to Mary Sue, thank goodness.) I actually could see myself doing a death!fic someday, but there would definitely be a warning.

Oh no, don't worry, I took no offense. I'm pretty much the equivalent of the old guy with the hose, yelling at kids to get off my lawn. *grins* ;)

As for things that wave me off:
RPF/RPS
BDSM (other than the occasional furry handcuffs *G*)
Mpreg

Ooh, really? RPF squicks you? I do read it once in a while.

And I really like a good B/D story. Once in awhile I like a touch of SM too. heh. And I have been known to read MPreg, oh yes. ;)

And, yeah, beanie babies. :D

But of course! *laughs*

[hardboiledbaby]

Aw, thanks, hon. *blushes*

RPF doesn't squick, exactly. And I've read a few. But I'm not into the actors or the meta, usually, so it doesn't interest me.

BDSM does sorta squick, for some reason. *shrugs* Just not my thing. And mpreg? *shudders* My eyes bleed. >.<