Funny fanfic manglings
Sep. 16th, 2004 07:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2When I first started to read fandom, I would collect all of the really bad lines from ff.net stories. I saved them all in a file.
I don't do this anymore, but I thought I'd put them here just for your amusement...sorry, there are no links to any of them. To be honest, some of these were actually fairly enjoyable and decent reads, just with an amusing typo. But the rest...heheh. Here are the best crazy typographical errors and word misusages.
The best fanfic manglings
Snape finds out that Harry is his son. And also a vampire, or at least half of one.
". . . thanks, 'Mione," he said, finally deciding to eat the dill pickle that had been previously rolling around on his plate like some sort of rolling thing.
[Severus getting measured for robes]
"What a bastard!" Mirabelle thought. She placed the tape measure at the middle of the back of his neck. In an inspired act of mischief, she stuck her thumb out and traced the nail down the center of his spine as she pulled the tape out to his waist.
"Heh! How's that asshole?" She said to herself as she called the measurement out to her niece.
[Think she needs a comma?]
[This summary...says it all.]
Harry’s abused buy the Dursleys, Voldemorts not so bad, Harry and Draco friends.
As I lie here, tucked beneath my duvet, I whither humiliated.
He head seeped into the pillow and he fell into a deep sleep.
[Sounds messy. I hope that the pillow has an absorbant core.]
He could feel himself giving to his body's whelm and fall into unconsciousness.
"You're tea, ma'am." A rather dumpy waitress said to Arona, bringing her out of her pensive state.
[I, on the other hand, am coffee.]
“Don’t fib to me, Potter, you are not that exercised.”
[Actually, this was kind of amusing. For a moment.]
“I have good news for you, McGee.”
Andy snapped out of her concentration. “You saved money on your car insurance?” Snape looked startled for a moment before Andy continued.
It is a murderer with a cruel, cunning mind and bloodthirsdy heart who kills everybody like a row of falling dominoes. One by one...
Hermione unconsciously dumped grounded pepper into her coffee as she concentrated on the hushed conversation between the two.
[This is fairly amazing, especially the last line, which had me laughing out loud.]
His death could have been prevented, like so many. This day would have never come, if only...
So many students are death, so many teacher, so many good wizards and witches.
Sybil Trelawney is one of them, she died, defending a first year, she is also death. Most of the teachers died defending their charges - but they would have also died if the students had not been there.
Voldemort died because he thought himself invincibly.
No one had though to kill him the way he actually died. No one except Harry Potter. He did not curse Voldemort, he only bound Voldemorts soul to his own - and allowed Voldemort to kill him.
He sacrificed himself for all of us.
The sun is rising over this field of death. I will never forget this night, I will never forget the boy who ended it, smiling at the face of his own death, knowing he would safe those who cared about him. Without him I wouldn't be staying here. No one would be still alive to tell the tale of this remarkable young man who did not think of his own safety when others were concerned.
He had nothing and gave it all.
[Another fantabulous summary.]
Dumbeldor finds reason to believe that there is something wrong with Harry, the summer after his fifth year,Ch17 Hermione and Ron are up to Harrys screams.
He curls back up into me, unconsciously placing an arm around my waste. “Thank you.”
[I don't know which error to make fun of...so I'll just leave them both in peace.]
[I really, really love Robin4, honest, but this made me laugh out loud.]
So did Black, who met his eyes, for once with no arrogance and no condensation.
He could hear Sirius' heavy breathing and perceive the disconcertion and shock in Dumbledore's auror.
[Or perhaps his aura.]
Severus taped his fingers slightly on his arm, leaning back in his chair and tilting his head up slightly, narrowing his eyes and emanating a more prominent evilness which caused the students to magically find their way to their seats faster.
[Yes, taping your fingers on your arm, while difficult, does cause the students to pay more attention.]
“Take your mask of Lucius. I want to see your face.“Voldemort hissed.
[I want a mask of Lucius too!!]
His followers fight viscously among themselves for certain positions in the circle.
[Vhy am I dripping vith goo?]
Nurse Pomfrey had several requests for sleeping aides that night.
[Preferably one who looked just like Severus.]
The potions master looked down at him with eyes that were both chillingly empty and saturated with meaning.
Severus looked happy. He looked playful... he looked absolutley editable!
[Can't argue with that.]
[These next few are all from the same fic.]
Snape hurled himself with one last gargantuan breath upon the very last step, pausing there for a long moment to catch his fading intimation.
He pushed himself upon wavering legs, and staggered like a drunken muggle to the faceless gargoyle, where he proceeded to stare. And stare.
And stare.
The large stone beast stared back, quite unabashedly, waiting patiently for those two delectable words which the young wizard could not actually remember at the moment.
[How exactly could the beast stare back if it did not have a face?]
He sat quietly like a good little boy while Albus litigated to fill his bathtub with warm water,
Tepidly checking the liquid occupying the vat, Dumbledore nodded to himself, deciding that the water was perfectly fine.
He covered Severus with an afghan blanket, and obscured the room of its light.
[Author's note]
Note: No, this story isn't about me, nor is Katica telling it. My name is not really Katica Locke, though sometimes I wish it was. I love the way it clicks on the tongue, like two stones being struck together. It sounded Brittish and I didn't feel like looking for another when I thought up my main character.
*************
Honorable Mention in many categories goes to:
Best Worst Prophecy
It was late at night. The only person awake in the whole castle was Madame Trelawney. She sat in her classroom peering into a crystal ball. She went rigid. And slowly, she began to speak in a harsh, cold, tone.
“The time is coming when the child of the stag and the wildflower shall defeat the Dark lord. He shall be aided by his friends when in need. Strangers shall come from an alien land bringing with them his true love. Together they will team up with an enemy to defeat a greater evil. Together be the Owl of air and the Fireball of fire, The Dragon of secrets and the Wolf of seeing, And the Lion of all and the Tiger of Life. The Dog, the Multi, all-alone. With the powers of Gods they shall defeat, the greatest of all the Lion.
And with that, Madame Trelawney woke up from her trance unaware that she had just predicted what would change the fate of the world.
Most Insane Review (this is actually one of the authors of the fic, reviewing their own story, argh)
K, ppls i already know that i reviewed the last chapter, but, uh, we changed a few of the animagi's. The dragon, well, he's a hawk. K then, just had to tell ya. ...*grins* of course i know i'm very damn annoying...
(Dûrelen/Jessie)
Sign that there really is no God, after all; found in her author’s note for chapter two
You won’t find out exactly why the book falls on MY head until the second book. Yes I am planning on a second book.
Fastest courtship ritual in the Harry Potter universe, ever(occurs just moments after Harry meets Jessica)
“Are you American?” Harry blurted out his face slightly red.
Jessica presumed that it was because he was uncomfortable with some new girl he didn’t know and none of his other friends.
“Yup. I’m from New York. We all are. I’ve always wanted to live in England though because I love the accent.”
Harry nodded smiling before asking, “Can you do the accent?”
Jessica nodded switching over into the English dialect.
“As a matter of fact I can. How do I sound?” She said anxiously.
Harry smiled. “Quite good.”
“Why thank you my dear gentlemen.” Jessica said smirking.
“Quite welcome my dear gentle lady.”
Jessie snorted quietly behind them. She knew it! They were so going to be going out later.
Most Initially Difficult to Understand Telepathic Conversation
“Fine then,” Molly said, “I will.” Hey Draco, you catch Snape’s lecture?
Yes.
Good. Now tell Jessie.
Okay then. It’s- Lalalalalala, I’m not listening, la dedadeda, not listening.
JESSIE!
Jessie rolled her eyes. “God, you two. Keep your hair on.” Okay, Malfoy, I’m listening.
Boy, do I feel special. Here goes...
************
from fa.org In Character forum
[description of Original fictional character for Harry Potter]
Personality: Adeline is average. She hates her nickname of 'Addie'. She is quiet and bright, though can be quite uncaring of things. She tends to forget many things and is determined to figure it all out. She's lenient and all humans and creatures are her weakness.
[description of Original fictional character for harry potter]
Dementor (worst memory): When her cats Possie and Tinker died (she had had them before she was born)
[description of Original fictional character for Harry Potter]
Why? Her favorite color is red mainly because it evicts anger, and yellow because it gives pleasure and happiness. And it’s bright.
[I like to evict anger too, especially when it's playing its stereo at 2 am.]
I know, some of the authors might have learned English as their second language, yes, you're absolutely correct. Everyone does a typo now and then, but some of these were just too funny not to share them with the world.
EDIT: Have removed titles and authors' names from these samples after perusing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mctabby and babb_chronicles and advice from others.
I don't do this anymore, but I thought I'd put them here just for your amusement...sorry, there are no links to any of them. To be honest, some of these were actually fairly enjoyable and decent reads, just with an amusing typo. But the rest...heheh. Here are the best crazy typographical errors and word misusages.
The best fanfic manglings
Snape finds out that Harry is his son. And also a vampire, or at least half of one.
". . . thanks, 'Mione," he said, finally deciding to eat the dill pickle that had been previously rolling around on his plate like some sort of rolling thing.
[Severus getting measured for robes]
"What a bastard!" Mirabelle thought. She placed the tape measure at the middle of the back of his neck. In an inspired act of mischief, she stuck her thumb out and traced the nail down the center of his spine as she pulled the tape out to his waist.
"Heh! How's that asshole?" She said to herself as she called the measurement out to her niece.
[Think she needs a comma?]
[This summary...says it all.]
Harry’s abused buy the Dursleys, Voldemorts not so bad, Harry and Draco friends.
As I lie here, tucked beneath my duvet, I whither humiliated.
He head seeped into the pillow and he fell into a deep sleep.
[Sounds messy. I hope that the pillow has an absorbant core.]
He could feel himself giving to his body's whelm and fall into unconsciousness.
"You're tea, ma'am." A rather dumpy waitress said to Arona, bringing her out of her pensive state.
[I, on the other hand, am coffee.]
“Don’t fib to me, Potter, you are not that exercised.”
[Actually, this was kind of amusing. For a moment.]
“I have good news for you, McGee.”
Andy snapped out of her concentration. “You saved money on your car insurance?” Snape looked startled for a moment before Andy continued.
It is a murderer with a cruel, cunning mind and bloodthirsdy heart who kills everybody like a row of falling dominoes. One by one...
Hermione unconsciously dumped grounded pepper into her coffee as she concentrated on the hushed conversation between the two.
[This is fairly amazing, especially the last line, which had me laughing out loud.]
His death could have been prevented, like so many. This day would have never come, if only...
So many students are death, so many teacher, so many good wizards and witches.
Sybil Trelawney is one of them, she died, defending a first year, she is also death. Most of the teachers died defending their charges - but they would have also died if the students had not been there.
Voldemort died because he thought himself invincibly.
No one had though to kill him the way he actually died. No one except Harry Potter. He did not curse Voldemort, he only bound Voldemorts soul to his own - and allowed Voldemort to kill him.
He sacrificed himself for all of us.
The sun is rising over this field of death. I will never forget this night, I will never forget the boy who ended it, smiling at the face of his own death, knowing he would safe those who cared about him. Without him I wouldn't be staying here. No one would be still alive to tell the tale of this remarkable young man who did not think of his own safety when others were concerned.
He had nothing and gave it all.
[Another fantabulous summary.]
Dumbeldor finds reason to believe that there is something wrong with Harry, the summer after his fifth year,Ch17 Hermione and Ron are up to Harrys screams.
He curls back up into me, unconsciously placing an arm around my waste. “Thank you.”
[I don't know which error to make fun of...so I'll just leave them both in peace.]
[I really, really love Robin4, honest, but this made me laugh out loud.]
So did Black, who met his eyes, for once with no arrogance and no condensation.
He could hear Sirius' heavy breathing and perceive the disconcertion and shock in Dumbledore's auror.
[Or perhaps his aura.]
Severus taped his fingers slightly on his arm, leaning back in his chair and tilting his head up slightly, narrowing his eyes and emanating a more prominent evilness which caused the students to magically find their way to their seats faster.
[Yes, taping your fingers on your arm, while difficult, does cause the students to pay more attention.]
“Take your mask of Lucius. I want to see your face.“Voldemort hissed.
[I want a mask of Lucius too!!]
His followers fight viscously among themselves for certain positions in the circle.
[Vhy am I dripping vith goo?]
Nurse Pomfrey had several requests for sleeping aides that night.
[Preferably one who looked just like Severus.]
The potions master looked down at him with eyes that were both chillingly empty and saturated with meaning.
Severus looked happy. He looked playful... he looked absolutley editable!
[Can't argue with that.]
[These next few are all from the same fic.]
Snape hurled himself with one last gargantuan breath upon the very last step, pausing there for a long moment to catch his fading intimation.
He pushed himself upon wavering legs, and staggered like a drunken muggle to the faceless gargoyle, where he proceeded to stare. And stare.
And stare.
The large stone beast stared back, quite unabashedly, waiting patiently for those two delectable words which the young wizard could not actually remember at the moment.
[How exactly could the beast stare back if it did not have a face?]
He sat quietly like a good little boy while Albus litigated to fill his bathtub with warm water,
Tepidly checking the liquid occupying the vat, Dumbledore nodded to himself, deciding that the water was perfectly fine.
He covered Severus with an afghan blanket, and obscured the room of its light.
[Author's note]
Note: No, this story isn't about me, nor is Katica telling it. My name is not really Katica Locke, though sometimes I wish it was. I love the way it clicks on the tongue, like two stones being struck together. It sounded Brittish and I didn't feel like looking for another when I thought up my main character.
*************
Honorable Mention in many categories goes to:
Best Worst Prophecy
It was late at night. The only person awake in the whole castle was Madame Trelawney. She sat in her classroom peering into a crystal ball. She went rigid. And slowly, she began to speak in a harsh, cold, tone.
“The time is coming when the child of the stag and the wildflower shall defeat the Dark lord. He shall be aided by his friends when in need. Strangers shall come from an alien land bringing with them his true love. Together they will team up with an enemy to defeat a greater evil. Together be the Owl of air and the Fireball of fire, The Dragon of secrets and the Wolf of seeing, And the Lion of all and the Tiger of Life. The Dog, the Multi, all-alone. With the powers of Gods they shall defeat, the greatest of all the Lion.
And with that, Madame Trelawney woke up from her trance unaware that she had just predicted what would change the fate of the world.
Most Insane Review (this is actually one of the authors of the fic, reviewing their own story, argh)
K, ppls i already know that i reviewed the last chapter, but, uh, we changed a few of the animagi's. The dragon, well, he's a hawk. K then, just had to tell ya. ...*grins* of course i know i'm very damn annoying...
(Dûrelen/Jessie)
Sign that there really is no God, after all; found in her author’s note for chapter two
You won’t find out exactly why the book falls on MY head until the second book. Yes I am planning on a second book.
Fastest courtship ritual in the Harry Potter universe, ever(occurs just moments after Harry meets Jessica)
“Are you American?” Harry blurted out his face slightly red.
Jessica presumed that it was because he was uncomfortable with some new girl he didn’t know and none of his other friends.
“Yup. I’m from New York. We all are. I’ve always wanted to live in England though because I love the accent.”
Harry nodded smiling before asking, “Can you do the accent?”
Jessica nodded switching over into the English dialect.
“As a matter of fact I can. How do I sound?” She said anxiously.
Harry smiled. “Quite good.”
“Why thank you my dear gentlemen.” Jessica said smirking.
“Quite welcome my dear gentle lady.”
Jessie snorted quietly behind them. She knew it! They were so going to be going out later.
Most Initially Difficult to Understand Telepathic Conversation
“Fine then,” Molly said, “I will.” Hey Draco, you catch Snape’s lecture?
Yes.
Good. Now tell Jessie.
Okay then. It’s- Lalalalalala, I’m not listening, la dedadeda, not listening.
JESSIE!
Jessie rolled her eyes. “God, you two. Keep your hair on.” Okay, Malfoy, I’m listening.
Boy, do I feel special. Here goes...
************
from fa.org In Character forum
[description of Original fictional character for Harry Potter]
Personality: Adeline is average. She hates her nickname of 'Addie'. She is quiet and bright, though can be quite uncaring of things. She tends to forget many things and is determined to figure it all out. She's lenient and all humans and creatures are her weakness.
[description of Original fictional character for harry potter]
Dementor (worst memory): When her cats Possie and Tinker died (she had had them before she was born)
[description of Original fictional character for Harry Potter]
Why? Her favorite color is red mainly because it evicts anger, and yellow because it gives pleasure and happiness. And it’s bright.
[I like to evict anger too, especially when it's playing its stereo at 2 am.]
I know, some of the authors might have learned English as their second language, yes, you're absolutely correct. Everyone does a typo now and then, but some of these were just too funny not to share them with the world.
EDIT: Have removed titles and authors' names from these samples after perusing
mctabby and babb_chronicles and advice from others.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-17 03:30 am (UTC)