valis2 | My Flist: The LiveJournal Death Eaters

So on one of the long trips recently I thought about making a meme. Y'know, going to one of those quiz sites or meme sites and putting together one of my own. But then I thought, I don't really pay much attention to those memes, maybe no one else does either, and then I thought it would be very laborious to make a supah cool one, where I could say something about everybody, and I decided to just write it all out in my LJ, being the control freak I am, because then I could make it funnah. At least, in theory.

So without further ado, I present to you the valis--er, valismort flist as LJ Death Eaters, and our roles within said organization.

The usual disclaimer: I'm sorry if I've offended any of you inadvertantly. Let me know if I have so that I can fix it.

absurdwords: Always brings a bottle of Firewhisky to the Death Eater meetings and passes it around clandestinely, proclaiming "Just a little taste to get the party going, y'all." And has the best broom closet evah. Filled with Evil Brooms.

ac1d6urn: Our very own Chooser of Beautiful Scarves. She does all of our Evil Research, too.

aerynstales and

lfire1: The Official Evil Chroniclers of Our Glorious Death Eater Troup. The prolific pair is already penning volume 423968246782735. Be careful what you say to them or you might be wearing a very heavy Mary Sue hat in volume 423968246782736 that will drag you down into the moors and drown you.

agatha_s: Still confounding lesser minions with her Evil Confusing Icon. Mwa haha! And is researching possible uses for Evil Edible Raincoats.

annecatherine: She will organize the Doom of our enemies! She will list our foes into Oblivion!

angelruse: An excellent Death Eater, perky, ready to do whatever needs to be done, unless Professor Snape lingers a little too long, in which case she's utterly useless.

aramintasnape: Official Baker of Evil Sugary Treats. Is also producing more minions for us. One's due any day!

avus: He has been secretly training the Giant Squid. He is strong in the ways of Calamari Fu.

b2wm: Has two swords named Sue Biter and Sue Hammer. We're not sure why, and we're all a little afraid to ask. Thank goodness none of us are named Sue.

blackletter: Our Official Defender of the Evil Thesis. Watch out, you Thesis Attackers!

bleodswean: Keeps a Muggle named Trent Reznor in her basement for recreational purposes. At least, that's what she claims.

cactus_wren: We all have to be very nice to her, or she won't let us take a dip in her Evil Pool.

charliesmum: Our Evil Philosopher. Also mixes the best Evil Fruit Punch.

chocolate_limes: Has a great sense of humor. Though we all keep secretly wishing she would stop showing up at meetings in her Dalek costume and repeatedly saying "Exterminaaaaate Potter".

chrysantza: Has finally figured out that we own Bath & Body Works. A few Evil Bubble Baths later, and she's our minion for life.

circumartificia: Behold her Evil Barbecue! Make way for her Mimosas of Terror!

cordelia_v: Her Evil Essays will leave you gasping for MERCY! Haha!

cruisedirector: Our Official Evil Photographer. You may think those are adorable little goslings. But no. They are evil goslings and they are under our control. Mwa haha!

dark_cygnet: Her Evil Fox Familiar is always a hit at our meetings. He can balance a wand on the tip of his nose!

deepforestowl: Her Evil Brain will reduce Muggles to a crisp at the merest glance from her freaky red laser eyes. No, wait! I mean, awesome Evil red laser ey---no don't--aaah! *crisp*

dphearson: Watch out, enemies. She has Black Magic!

iibnf sent it to her, the dear.

elliek_21: Writes our bubbly memos. Also is working on a new spell she calls "The Stop Singing Hex" which apparently is being developed for the sole purpose of cursing the Phantom of the Opera movie.

eloisasnape: Our Evil Dentist will help us in our bid for global domination by giving us access to endless supplies of rubber bands. Mwa hahaha!

gillieweed: Our Evil Electrician. Even though we don't use electricity. And we don't even know what "electricity" means. She assures us she's taken care of it, and that our Galleons were well-spent.

gmth: Has been attempting to locate new housing. The Riddle Manor is getting a little...rank. Is also quite susceptible to Lucius. Do not ever seat her next to Narcissa at the day spa, by the way.

iibnf: Supreme High Dispenser of Sarcasm and Official Evil Skunk Whisperer. We need a league of Evil Skunks to do our olfactory bidding. In her spare time is training Onslo to nap intimidatingly.

gina_r_snape: Our Evil Legal Department. Are the Aurors trying to entrap you? Call 1-800-GINA-NOW and she'll be on the defense.

gypsyjolie: Has been caught at the Burrow more than once.

imadra_blue: The Evil of her Evil Rants is so thoroughly concentrated that any unwary Muggles caught nearby will simply implode.

julian_black: Our Evil Book Hoarder. Need another copy of Creative Curses and Sexy Hexes? Just Floo her. You'll be glad you did.

junediamanti: Our Evil Accountant, who makes certain that the Evil Budget balances each year. Don't forget to send in triplicates of your Evil Expense Report monthly or she won't reimburse you. Not even for that Evil Pair of Socks. No, she doesn't care how evil they were, nor that they were indispensable. Sorry, there is no court of higher appeal.

karasu_hime: The swiftness of her stylus is nothing compared to her fabulous teaandcrumpetus spell, which has been quite helpful at our monthly meetings.

kleio_the_muse: A lovely, wondrous Death Eater. Except...well...do not mention birch trees. Really. I mean it.

lady_branwyn: Has this amazing weapon she calls the Oliphant Tusk. She keeps telling us about its destructional capacity, but won't show it to anyone. She just keeps saying, "It's mine, preciousssssss, mine," whenever anyone asks her about it.

larilee: Her Weekly Hex Recommendations are absolutely mandatory reading. Is also head of our Public Relations Division. Er, actually she is the Public Relations Division. Knows how to unruffle feathers with ease. Has a hotline to Fudge in her office. No, you may not prank firecall him.

luvboromir24601: She will ride into battle on her cute horse, and our enemies will be so taken with how cute he is that they will not notice his Evil Red Eyes until it is too late and Jenny the Ringwraith will own their souls.

mariannelee: Not only will she detect our enemies' comma mistakes, she will attack their semicolons without mercy.

mimbulus: Official Caterer of Evil. Her Evil Canapés are fabulous. Is training Evil She-Dog in the subtle art of Barking Evilly at Muggles.

morricone1900: Our Evil Composer. He's the one who mixes those heart-pumping action themes when we raid Muggle villages. He's better than an iPod. He's...an Evil iPod.

mortifyd: Behold the power of the Evil Pudge! He's also the source for some rather tasty Evil Dark Chocolate Ganache Alans. The Force is strong with this one. Brings Tim Tams to the meetings, and occasionally executes a Flying Front Kick to the delight of those assembled.

ms_hecubus: Her Evil Penguins shall scour the Earth, they shall rain like fire from the heavens, and all shall know the black and white of their doooom...

mysduende: The Evil Siren has lured many a handsome Auror to her boudoir and forced them to read The Tenth Rule until they admit it is fabulous.

pandora_nervosa: Has the perfect Giant Evil Room for our after-meeting parties, where we all get to sample her astonishing stockpile of firewhisky. She is not concealing large quantities of stolen wands in her basement. No, sir. Absolutely not. *dials 1-800-GINA-NOW*

pen_and_umbra: So you wanna be a Curse Star, live large, big manor house, five brooms...well, she will show you how to do it in style. You might want to pick up her monthly magazine, InEvilStyle. The most recent issue has a few helpful articles like "Decorate your Mask with Découpage" and "Is He Really a Pure-blood? Find Out in Six Simple Steps". Our very own Evil Martha Stewart.

privatemaladict: Our very own Evil Mediwitch. Need a bit of Strengthening Solution? Feeling a bit less than Evil? She'll fix you up right quick. Also has an Evil Workroom where she does Charms research. Evil Charms research. Charming porcupines. Don't ask.

rickfan37: If you dare provoke her she will draw out her Evil Eurodisney pictures and you will be struck dumb with extreme cuteness! And she makes the best diced boomslang dip.

sapphiresnape: Official Evil Sephora Shopper. She supplies us with the goods. The evil goods.

scarah2: Her Evil Stick Figures are well known among the Death Eaters. She draws our Evil Diagrams, showing our Evil Attacks. She's like an Evil John Madden.

scribbulus_ink: Publishes Ye Olde Death Eater Daily. Don't even attempt to mock her bookmarks folder. It is so large that it has become a sentient being and will hunt you down and stuff your ears full of Remus fics.

serpenatrix: Our Official Evil Montage Creator. Everyone needs one. And she secretly sews pictures of Alan Rickman into the lining of her robes.

shagsthedustmop: is even now programming our enemies' DOOM. In a programming language you've never heard of. But that contains a lot of impressive bits like "{" and "fprint" and "fEvil".

shezan: Brings on the Evil Historical Doom. Oh yeah. You'd better be prepared for that catapultus spell. I mean it.

snapesforte: Chief Muggle Hunter and Official Portrait Painter of the LJ DEs. Is the esteemed author of How to Win Friends and Hex People. Most likely the best Death Eater to have at your back in an Auror altercation. Also brews a mean piña colada.

straussmonster: Fear her Evil Wizarding Opera! It will knock you right in the Puccini.

superbunny3000: Fear her Evil Latte of Lugubriousness! Actually, it's rather tasty.

sylvadin: is handcrafting our enemies' doom from paper cups, tiki torches, and a leftover mailbox. Oh yes. And it will be a pretty doom, have no doubt. She also gave a seminar on Shrew Attack Preparedness last month to a standing ovation.

tamony_lenore: Oh, you cannot handle the moves she brings to this war. Just know that her eyes glow, her fingernails smoke, and she begins to speak in the hallowed Raven tongue, and that's it. You are toast.

todayiamadaisy: Sings our Official Evil Song: I'm The Cleanest Little Piggy In The Market. Or is supposed to, anyway, but always points behind us and shouts "What's that!" and Apparates whenever we bring it up.

zakkati: The Evil Ginger Cat will smite our foes! Or, at the very least, shed on them.

Add to the fun! Do you have an Evil talent? Tell us about it.

ETA:

undunoops has donated her Evil Pencil to the cause. Huzzah! And what a pencil it is!

randomspectator informs me that she is an Evil philosopher who possesses the ability to talk unsuspecting muggles to death with lengthy diatribes about occasionalism and perceptual anti-realism. Excellent!

ETA2:

bell_witch has informed me that she would be willing to perform psychological torture, including utilization of Jar Jar Binks. I don't think we're that evil, though.

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