TV Guide Horror
Jan. 2nd, 2007 10:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2
Thomas Kinkade and John Deere. Together, they're inspiration for the heart-warming John Deere Creek Village Collection exclusively from Hawthorne. Each sculpture is meticulously hand-cast and hand-painted to enhance every wondrous detail and bring nostalgic charm to all your Christmases.
Begin with "Deer Creek Bed & Breakfast" and FREE die-cast John Deere Tractor.
These heirloom-quality sculptures are yours for just three easy payments of $19.98, with the first installment due before shipment. Subsequent sculptures--at the same attractive price--will be sent to Charter Subscribers about every other month. You can cancel at any time by simply notifying us. Your second issue will be the illuminated "John Deere Barn" and FREE die-cast John Deere "Tractor Hayride." This classic, hand-crafted Dutch-style barn proudly wears the Johnd Deere trademark that was emblazoned on barns across America in 1885. Strong demand is expected, so please don't wait. Send no money now. Just mail the postage-paid card today!
Thomas Kinkade. John Deere. Together they have joined forces to bring you a vision of America's Tomorrow.
Yes, we realize that it looks a lot like America's Yesterday. But that's when we were happy, so now we are going to force all Americans to buy tractors and live in barns.
We don't care if you don't like to make snowmen.
We don't care if you don't like hayrides.
We don't care if you get peeved when we throw you, naked and shivering, into the silo, so that you can reconsider your position here in our village.
You will wear sensible shoes. And long, fur-trimmed dresses. We must not glimpse your ankles.
You will rise early each morning to polish the tractor, and you will spend each evening baking pies, and you will retire to bed only after ascertaining that the village is sufficiently saturated with light. Retrieve your children from the toboggan run. You'll know that they're there, because that's the only entertainment they have, unless they're younger, in which case you'll find them making wholesome snowmen.
Your husband will be sent into the Forest to bring back trees. That is his only task. We don't care if he returns, pale-faced and shaking, blood spatter on his clothes, babbling about secret rites; he's just not used to our ways, either. He'll learn the Forest, or the Forest will learn him. You will understand this eventually.
Our sigil will be proudly displayed on your building, and burned into your tender flesh, underneath your clothing, where strangers will never see. It will smart at first, but it will remind you of who you are, and, more importantly, where you are.
The Morgans? They moved away. Yes. They did not go into the Forest. Oh, no, we wouldn't harm a hair on their heads. They left their children because they knew that the little darlings would be safe here. And raised the right way.
You can't sleep? There's too much light? Oh, don't you worry, dearie. Soon enough you'll be comforted by it. Soon enough you'll grow so light, yourself, that it will bleed out of your pores. Soon enough you'll fear the dark.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:55 am (UTC)This is nostalgia at its most twisted and nightmarish.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:57 am (UTC)After which Cthulhu eats them.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 03:59 am (UTC)*giggles*
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 04:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 04:24 am (UTC)I assume that there was really a person called John Deere at some stage - I bet his fossilised remains are in that "John Deere Barn", so the villagers can make virgin sacrifices to him. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 04:38 am (UTC)bwahahaha!! I never even thought about that!
I assume that there was really a person called John Deere at some stage - I bet his fossilised remains are in that "John Deere Barn", so the villagers can make virgin sacrifices to him. :-)
*snort* Why, of course! They're kept in the green and yellow altar, I presume.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 06:36 am (UTC)I have nothing clever to say, but I'm rolling here!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 09:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 12:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 12:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 12:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 12:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 01:35 pm (UTC)No more house guests! The kids will leave home! Even the cats will leave home! And if that's not good enough, I have to send NO MONEY NOW!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 01:38 pm (UTC)dark revelho-down on a Deere!(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 02:07 pm (UTC)*gasps*
*wipes tears of mirth*
I can't remember who made the WTF observation about the tractors in the woods, but yeah. Spot on.
I am facing a day of (re)laying out and proofing a 200-plus page book. (The original artist sold the author a bill of goods, and I couldn't salvage her layout, meaning I had to start at Square One. The writer is a diva who uses overblown prose and displays a distinct attachment to the word "that," but I'm not to touch it unless I find a glaring grammatical/mechanical error. *headdesk*) I spent most of yesterday working on it; today will be more of the same.
Waking up to this gave me a much-needed laugh, so my hat's off to you,
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 02:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 02:38 pm (UTC)ROLLING with laughter here!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-03 05:39 pm (UTC)lolz
Date: 2007-01-03 05:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 12:27 am (UTC)Did you know that Thomas is now the Writer of Shite TM?
The Christmas Angel (No, I am not making this up, unfortunately.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 01:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 01:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 01:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 01:44 am (UTC)Re: lolz
Date: 2007-01-04 01:44 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 01:45 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 02:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 05:03 pm (UTC)she knows.
Has this man no shame?? He's going to ride this crap
right on out of this world and now it's going to be on
a John Deere tractor.
Somebody, please, stop the insanity!!!
Take his brushes away!
Make him eat some pie or trees or yellow snow!!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 11:09 pm (UTC)Only problem with the ad (other than it being a bit too-cute and the eventual bankruptcy of the Tree Shop) is that I don't see any dogs frolicking about in the peaceful open spaces.
My father's non-Amish grandmother grew up in the Amish country; her brother stayed and married there, I think; and my father always swore by her cooking.
My uncle's wife makes quilts as a hobby; I'm told she gets decent money for them. She also owns a gift shop; and she and my uncle live in suburbs, not country.
I am a definitely un-crafty person, though.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-04 11:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-05 03:43 am (UTC)Have you written some Faramir-fic? Your name seems familiar. I mean, I've seen that you beta, but I could swear I've read something by you before. I'm just horrible about remembering titles!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-05 05:35 am (UTC)Have I written some Faramir-fic? Um, yes. Lots. More to come. Titles? The Falcon and the Star. Marking Fours. The Burning of the Year. Seven Scattered Scrolls. Fire and Flowering. Luck From The Ashes. And then there are my separate ficlets with Faramir - Foray, Roots and Branches, Releasing the Reins, Rising Star, Sons of Gondor.
They're archived in different places. If you go back aways in my LJ, you'll find out where. I will try to do an updated list over the weekend. But you can find me at TolkienFanfiction.com and StoriesofArda.com; as well as a few things at Fanfiction.net.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-05 11:24 am (UTC)I'll look at your stories if I have time before I leave for AZ.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-06 03:57 am (UTC)LOL! That's putting it mildly. It's commercialized alright, on "prints",in books, as figurines, "scapes", on napkin rings, salt and pepper shakers and teapots, as kraft kits, Christmas ornaments, "inspirational gifts" and, of course, toilet seat covers!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-06 04:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-06 04:09 am (UTC)For only $9.99! ($199.99 framed.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-06 05:41 pm (UTC)bwahahah! You are hilarious.
Kinkade
Date: 2011-12-23 10:33 pm (UTC)He's one cut above hotel/motel room art.