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valis2ETA: Part One.
This is entirely![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sinick and ac1d6urn's fault, btw.
There was a terrible sound, crashing and raging, the sound of hopes dashing, and then the wards that had protected Hogwarts for ten centuries disintegrated.
"Shall we enter, and punish the blood traitors?" sneeredsnapesforte, her wand already in her hand.
valismort lowered her hands, her glowing red eyes tracing the edges of Gryffindor Tower. "Not yet," she said. "Speaker to Cuttlefish!"
Immediatelyflorence_craye strode forward. "Yes, my lord?" she said, her voice somewhat muffled behind the giant squid beak she used as a mask.
"Summon the cuttlefish. Remind them of the oath they swore. We shall send them in first, to see what traps have been set." valismort narrowed her eyes. "And if they should find that traitor, the one whose treachery knows no bounds...restrain him, but do not kill him, or my ire will be known to them and they shall pay most dearly for it."
"Yes, my lord," said Florence. Raising her hands high, she brought them together with a thundering slap. "Vyee mistana! Vyee cuthbella! Suuune mithnashka ani menyi'ils..."
The wind rose, whipping their cloaks about. Snapesforte moved not a muscle, as if she had been carved out of stone.
Someone was giggling.
"Does this amuse you?" said valismort coldly, turning to a pair of Death Eaters.
sinick grinned. "Well, quite frankly, yes. It's always 'cuttlefish' this and 'octopus' that."
"We're starting to think you're a little cephalopod-obsessed,"ac1d6urn said apologetically.
"I mean, who calls cuttlefish down on their enemies nowadays? It's a bit old-fashioned, if you ask me," continued Sinick.
"I always use cuttlefish," said valismort, bewildered. "They strike fear into the hearts of my opponents."
"I'm not certain they're hitting their targets," said Sinick. "I think they're striking fear into...well...spleens."
"Livers," interjected Ac1d.
Sinick giggled. "Lymph nodes..."
"SILENCE!!!" roared valismort.
No one knew what look was on Florence's face due to the mask, so we'll just say she bore a look of frightful concentration. There was a horrible, howling sound, and then the heavens crashed open, and out swarmed the most astonishing river of cuttlefish, gleaming and writhing.
They fell upon the lawn, and if cuttlefish could ever be described as looking befuddled, they did on that day.
"Now, Speaker! Let them scour the castle! Let no survivors be found (well, except that naughty traitor)! May their beaks unerringly find our foes!" valismort gestured with her wand, her eyes glowing and illuminating the entire front lawn.
The cuttlefish lay there, wriggling.
No one could know that Florence's expression was one of fright. "Vyee!" she said. "Suuuna mithnashka...You heard her, get going!!"
The cuttlefish simply flopped about pathetically.
More snickering was heard from the vicinity of Ac1d and Sinick.
"I will motivate them," glowered Snapesforte.
"No! I forbid it!" said valismort, stopping her. "I know what your motivation is like...they'd be nothing but steaming carcasses when you were done.bronze_ribbons! Bring forth the Angst Ray."
Ac1d showed Sinick the golden snitch she had brought, and they began to toss it back and forth.
"Immediately, my lord!" called out Bronze Ribbons. She dashed forward, cradling a large gun in her arms. "Here it is, my lord!"
"Excellent! Give it to me." valismort checked the settings on the side of the barrel. "Let's see...sad...whiny...ah! emo! Just what we need. I will blast the castle with angst, and we shall destroy the moping inhabitants!"
valismort aimed carefully at the castle, looking down the sightscope. She pulled back the trigger, and just as it reached its apex, something small and golden connected with her elbow. POW! The gun fired, but its angle was much too low, and the ray spread out and struck the cuttlefish.
"No!" shrieked Florence. "My cuttlefish!"
Many of the cuttlefish immediately began to weep and turn black. The faint strains of Good Charlotte could be heard.
"Oh no! Fluffy!" said Florence, picking up the nearest cuttlefish. "No, not Sweetie and Nookums..." She wept.
"Why does this always happen?" thundered valismort. "All I want to do is take the castle by storm!chocolate_limes! Present yourself!"
"Certainly, my lord!" Chocolate Limes ran forward.
valismort threw down the Angst Ray in disgust. "You andgmonkey42 must come up with a clever plan to storm the castle!"
"Yes! Immediately!" Chocolate Limes began conferring with Gmonkey.
Sinick examined a cuttlefish that had inexplicably begun to sprout wings. "Wait---are you sure it was set to emo?"
"Check the gun again!" said Ac1d, finding another cuttlefish whose tentacles kept changing color.
Bronze Ribbons examined the settings. "Oh no! It was set to Mary Sue!"
Everyone groaned.
"We have a plan!" announced Gmonkey triumphantly. "First, we need butter with the Gryffindor lion stamped on it. Then we need small flags made out of construction paper, and an assortment of shapes cut out from foam."
"Yes, and?" said valismort impatiently.
"Don't you see?" said Gmonkey. "We're going to make a Great Hall! All of the students will be lured inside when Chocolate Limes strikes the dinner bell. We just need several hundred roast chickens, meat pies, Cornish pasties, and chocolate gateaus, and then we can pounce while they're distracted by the food!"
"Enough!" roared valismort. "That's it! Let's just storm the castle."
"Finally!" said Snapesforte. She twirled her wand gracefully.
"Don't step on the cuttlefish!" shouted Florence.
"How the hell are we supposed to get around them?" asked Sinick. The entire lawn was covered with them. "Wow, some are glowing."
"Look! A unicorn cuttlefish!" said Ac1d, giggling.
"Florence! Send them back!" ordered valismort.
"Er...yes, of course, my lord," said Florence, sounding much less confident than she had before. "Sli'iynem ina akhsanhtim enuuus! Allebhtuc eeyv! Anatsim eeyv!"
The cuttlefish merely writhed on the ground. Some were beginning to perform complex martial arts maneuvers.
"We could just put them in the lake," suggested Bronze Ribbons.
"Yes!" said valismort. "Everyone...swish and flick! Squidgardium LeviosA!"
"It's LeviOsa, my lord," saidwhitemunin. "And it would be Archyteuthisgardium Leviosa, at that."
"No, no, no," insistedsistermagpie. "That would be the name for a giant squid. A cuttlefish would be Sepia officinalisgardium Leviosa."
"Canon purists," grumbled valismort. A peculiar sound was heard, a burbling noise, and they all turned to look as the Giant Squid suddenly burst out of the lake, levitating above the water. "Oops!" said valismort.
Cuttlefish began to hover over the lawn and be whisked into the lake. Some of the them had grown strange new tentacles that looked like serrated katanas and one was wielding Gandalf's staff. "A crossover!" marvelled Ac1d.
The Giant Squid floated dreamily, its tentacles gimboling in the air, the lovely patterns on its skin slowly changing and morphing. valismort stood and stared at the enchanting creature.
"All right!" said Whitemunin. "The last of the cuttlefish have been disposed of. Er...my lord?"
valismort continued to stare, enthralled. "You go ahead...I'll just stick around for a moment..."
The followers all looked at each other and shrugged. Snapesforte glided toward the front door, her wand held high. The Death Eaters began to follow her.
"The Dark Lord is smitten!" snickered Sinick.
"Now where can I get my hands on some gillyweed?" mused valismort.
---
Hee! There it is...valis/giant squid.
If any of you are offended by your inclusion, let me know and I'll write you right out, I promise. :)
on to Part Two
on to Part Three
This is entirely
sinick and ac1d6urn's fault, btw.There was a terrible sound, crashing and raging, the sound of hopes dashing, and then the wards that had protected Hogwarts for ten centuries disintegrated.
"Shall we enter, and punish the blood traitors?" sneered
snapesforte, her wand already in her hand.valismort lowered her hands, her glowing red eyes tracing the edges of Gryffindor Tower. "Not yet," she said. "Speaker to Cuttlefish!"
Immediately
florence_craye strode forward. "Yes, my lord?" she said, her voice somewhat muffled behind the giant squid beak she used as a mask."Summon the cuttlefish. Remind them of the oath they swore. We shall send them in first, to see what traps have been set." valismort narrowed her eyes. "And if they should find that traitor, the one whose treachery knows no bounds...restrain him, but do not kill him, or my ire will be known to them and they shall pay most dearly for it."
"Yes, my lord," said Florence. Raising her hands high, she brought them together with a thundering slap. "Vyee mistana! Vyee cuthbella! Suuune mithnashka ani menyi'ils..."
The wind rose, whipping their cloaks about. Snapesforte moved not a muscle, as if she had been carved out of stone.
Someone was giggling.
"Does this amuse you?" said valismort coldly, turning to a pair of Death Eaters.
sinick grinned. "Well, quite frankly, yes. It's always 'cuttlefish' this and 'octopus' that.""We're starting to think you're a little cephalopod-obsessed,"
ac1d6urn said apologetically."I mean, who calls cuttlefish down on their enemies nowadays? It's a bit old-fashioned, if you ask me," continued Sinick.
"I always use cuttlefish," said valismort, bewildered. "They strike fear into the hearts of my opponents."
"I'm not certain they're hitting their targets," said Sinick. "I think they're striking fear into...well...spleens."
"Livers," interjected Ac1d.
Sinick giggled. "Lymph nodes..."
"SILENCE!!!" roared valismort.
No one knew what look was on Florence's face due to the mask, so we'll just say she bore a look of frightful concentration. There was a horrible, howling sound, and then the heavens crashed open, and out swarmed the most astonishing river of cuttlefish, gleaming and writhing.
They fell upon the lawn, and if cuttlefish could ever be described as looking befuddled, they did on that day.
"Now, Speaker! Let them scour the castle! Let no survivors be found (well, except that naughty traitor)! May their beaks unerringly find our foes!" valismort gestured with her wand, her eyes glowing and illuminating the entire front lawn.
The cuttlefish lay there, wriggling.
No one could know that Florence's expression was one of fright. "Vyee!" she said. "Suuuna mithnashka...You heard her, get going!!"
The cuttlefish simply flopped about pathetically.
More snickering was heard from the vicinity of Ac1d and Sinick.
"I will motivate them," glowered Snapesforte.
"No! I forbid it!" said valismort, stopping her. "I know what your motivation is like...they'd be nothing but steaming carcasses when you were done.
bronze_ribbons! Bring forth the Angst Ray."Ac1d showed Sinick the golden snitch she had brought, and they began to toss it back and forth.
"Immediately, my lord!" called out Bronze Ribbons. She dashed forward, cradling a large gun in her arms. "Here it is, my lord!"
"Excellent! Give it to me." valismort checked the settings on the side of the barrel. "Let's see...sad...whiny...ah! emo! Just what we need. I will blast the castle with angst, and we shall destroy the moping inhabitants!"
valismort aimed carefully at the castle, looking down the sightscope. She pulled back the trigger, and just as it reached its apex, something small and golden connected with her elbow. POW! The gun fired, but its angle was much too low, and the ray spread out and struck the cuttlefish.
"No!" shrieked Florence. "My cuttlefish!"
Many of the cuttlefish immediately began to weep and turn black. The faint strains of Good Charlotte could be heard.
"Oh no! Fluffy!" said Florence, picking up the nearest cuttlefish. "No, not Sweetie and Nookums..." She wept.
"Why does this always happen?" thundered valismort. "All I want to do is take the castle by storm!
chocolate_limes! Present yourself!""Certainly, my lord!" Chocolate Limes ran forward.
valismort threw down the Angst Ray in disgust. "You and
gmonkey42 must come up with a clever plan to storm the castle!" "Yes! Immediately!" Chocolate Limes began conferring with Gmonkey.
Sinick examined a cuttlefish that had inexplicably begun to sprout wings. "Wait---are you sure it was set to emo?"
"Check the gun again!" said Ac1d, finding another cuttlefish whose tentacles kept changing color.
Bronze Ribbons examined the settings. "Oh no! It was set to Mary Sue!"
Everyone groaned.
"We have a plan!" announced Gmonkey triumphantly. "First, we need butter with the Gryffindor lion stamped on it. Then we need small flags made out of construction paper, and an assortment of shapes cut out from foam."
"Yes, and?" said valismort impatiently.
"Don't you see?" said Gmonkey. "We're going to make a Great Hall! All of the students will be lured inside when Chocolate Limes strikes the dinner bell. We just need several hundred roast chickens, meat pies, Cornish pasties, and chocolate gateaus, and then we can pounce while they're distracted by the food!"
"Enough!" roared valismort. "That's it! Let's just storm the castle."
"Finally!" said Snapesforte. She twirled her wand gracefully.
"Don't step on the cuttlefish!" shouted Florence.
"How the hell are we supposed to get around them?" asked Sinick. The entire lawn was covered with them. "Wow, some are glowing."
"Look! A unicorn cuttlefish!" said Ac1d, giggling.
"Florence! Send them back!" ordered valismort.
"Er...yes, of course, my lord," said Florence, sounding much less confident than she had before. "Sli'iynem ina akhsanhtim enuuus! Allebhtuc eeyv! Anatsim eeyv!"
The cuttlefish merely writhed on the ground. Some were beginning to perform complex martial arts maneuvers.
"We could just put them in the lake," suggested Bronze Ribbons.
"Yes!" said valismort. "Everyone...swish and flick! Squidgardium LeviosA!"
"It's LeviOsa, my lord," said
whitemunin. "And it would be Archyteuthisgardium Leviosa, at that.""No, no, no," insisted
sistermagpie. "That would be the name for a giant squid. A cuttlefish would be Sepia officinalisgardium Leviosa." "Canon purists," grumbled valismort. A peculiar sound was heard, a burbling noise, and they all turned to look as the Giant Squid suddenly burst out of the lake, levitating above the water. "Oops!" said valismort.
Cuttlefish began to hover over the lawn and be whisked into the lake. Some of the them had grown strange new tentacles that looked like serrated katanas and one was wielding Gandalf's staff. "A crossover!" marvelled Ac1d.
The Giant Squid floated dreamily, its tentacles gimboling in the air, the lovely patterns on its skin slowly changing and morphing. valismort stood and stared at the enchanting creature.
"All right!" said Whitemunin. "The last of the cuttlefish have been disposed of. Er...my lord?"
valismort continued to stare, enthralled. "You go ahead...I'll just stick around for a moment..."
The followers all looked at each other and shrugged. Snapesforte glided toward the front door, her wand held high. The Death Eaters began to follow her.
"The Dark Lord is smitten!" snickered Sinick.
"Now where can I get my hands on some gillyweed?" mused valismort.
---
Hee! There it is...valis/giant squid.
If any of you are offended by your inclusion, let me know and I'll write you right out, I promise. :)
on to Part Two
on to Part Three
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
*severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-10 05:02 pm (UTC)That is brilliant! This truly deserves a ZOMGsquee!! and all the rest. I am thrilled. Gandalf!Cuttle is my new favorite interest. I love the disagreement about names, too. *sighs contentedly*
You win at life today.
Re: *severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-10 05:19 pm (UTC)I am totally imagining Gandalf!cuttlefish right now, and it's cracking me up.
*squee*
Re: *severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-10 07:03 pm (UTC)Tee hee hee! Although he should actually blend in with that tannish sand below, he's Gandalf so he has to be gray (or white).
Re: *severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-11 03:26 am (UTC)Re: *severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-11 03:27 am (UTC)Re: *severe giggling ensues*
Date: 2006-08-11 04:41 pm (UTC)I watched part of LOTR last night... I couldn't help it!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 05:26 pm (UTC)One comment: I beg you to keep that Angst Ray thing firmly under lock and key. I think that now and then, unscrupulous types gallivant around fandom with it ;).
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:28 am (UTC)And the Angst Ray is locked away. Only
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 06:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:29 am (UTC)Perfect icon!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 06:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 06:47 pm (UTC)The mental picture of this is just hysterical.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 07:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:31 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 10:15 pm (UTC)*re-reads the post*
Never mind. Too late.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 10:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:20 am (UTC)*runs*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:33 am (UTC)I'm a sucker for puns.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:42 am (UTC)*adjusts black belt in Pun-Fu*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:33 am (UTC)*laughs again* Cuttlefish are a scourge, definitely...I'll have to see if there's a 12 step program.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 10:23 pm (UTC)No wonder I like you. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:35 am (UTC)I thought, who would be keeper of the Angst Ray? And lo, like a bolt from the blue, it came to me...*giggles*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-10 11:11 pm (UTC)Ooh, you capture my nice side well. ;-)
*cackles*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:37 am (UTC)And thank goodness you were stopped, or there would have been a field of charred cuttlefish. The smell would have been horrible.
*laughs*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 02:24 am (UTC)This is such crack, LOL!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 03:40 am (UTC)Yeah, I'm smitten, there's no hope! :)
*FLAILS!*
Date: 2006-08-11 03:19 am (UTC)*chortles like an Exceedingly Chortley Thing*
I can't wait for the sequel: NAKED SQUIDDITCH!!1
Re: *FLAILS!*
Date: 2006-08-11 03:41 am (UTC)I'm so glad you approve of the crack!fic! I had a blast writing it, though it nearly made me late for my show. But that's okay. Writing squid!fic is the priority, you know?
*laughs like an idjit*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 04:26 pm (UTC)The scary thing is I can hear Acid and Sinick having this conversation. This is what I get for browsing through Acid's friend list. Good writing Valis
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-11 05:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 10:47 am (UTC)...you are teh crack *love!*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 03:49 pm (UTC)