I am deranged. Also, squid.
Aug. 17th, 2006 08:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2ETA: Part Two.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
julian_black claims there's not enough squid!fic in the world. (She also suffered through the first draft and helped, so part of the blame may be sent directly to her.) So, may I present to you, part deux.
Part one
snapesforte burst into Hogwarts, her wand at the ready, only to find it deserted. Even the suits of armor were quiet. "What is going on?" she hissed.
"It's empty!" marvelledmarginaliana.
"I'm here, there's no need to panic." valismort's voice boomed out, and they all turned to look at her.
"There's seaweed in your hair," pointed outsinick.
"That's an important potion component," valismort said smoothly while she plucked the vegetation from her head. "Yes, now, where was I...oh yes! Don't panic, I'm here to lead the attack!"
"There's no one to attack!" said Snapesforte bitterly. "They've run off."
"It's a trap!" announcedrexluscus, peering out the still-open front doors. "They're all out on the lawn..."
"To the battlements!" roared valismort.
"There aren't any battlements," pointed out Marginaliana.
"Well...someone make some!" snapped valismort. "And quickly!"
They all piled onto the battlements and surveyed their enemies.
"This is their trap?" Snapesforte's lip curled. "Three people?"
bronze_ribbons frowned. "I see Minerva McGonagall..."
valismort peered down at the tiny figures. "Hmm...this reminds me of a prophecy I once heard..."
"This isn't a prophecy involving cuttlefish, is it?" said Sinick wearily.
"How did you know?" asked valismort, shocked. "Are you a Seer, too? You never mentioned that on your job application...just that stint at Starbucks, and that incident with the recalcitrant mocha latté..."
"That wasn't my fault," insisted Sinick. "The hazelnut flavoring was bewitched. And besides, customers are overrated anyway."
They could hear chanting from below. The figures raised their wands and gestured in unison.
There was a horrific gurgling noise, and the lake suddenly whipped itself into a frenzy, frothing and splashing great founts of water about. Soon all of the cuttlefish were writhing on the surface of the water. With another gesture from their wands, the cuttlefish rose up in a wave and surged straight toward the battlements.
"NO!" cried outflorence_craye. "Not again!"
Cuttlefish poured down upon them, and everyone shrieked as the cold cephalopods got caught in hair or plunged down the back of shirts. Only Snapesforte was immune, having created a shield in advance; she stood, looking bored, as the tiny squids bounced off.
"THAT'S IT!" capslock-of-raged valismort. "This means war!"
"Er...we're already at war with them," pointed out Rex.
valismort strode to the edge of the battlements and shouted, "DOUBLE WAR!" She shook her fist. "No sprinkles on top, either!" A cuttlefish zoomed up out of nowhere and slapped her on the forehead.
"Beatrice!" said Florence, jumping up to catch the stunned cephalopod. She cradled it in her arms.
"Surrender now!" shouted Minerva from the lawn.
"No!" shouted valismort, gripping the stone wall fiercely.
"Don't make me come up there!" Minerva waggled her wand in a disapproving manner.
"We have the tactical advantage! We're on battlements!" said valismort smugly. Her hands felt rather sticky, and she looked at them closely. "Who made these?" she roared, turning around to face the rest of the Death Eaters.
musigneus shuffled forward, looking rather sheepish.
valismort held up her yellowed hands. "It's always cheese with you! Why couldn't you just transfigure the existing wall? That would have been gouda--er, good enough! No, you always have to work milk products into it somehow!"
There was a thunderous noise from the lawn, and everyone rushed to the edge of the battlements to see what was happening. Unfortunately, the battlements chose that moment to revert back to its former existence as a rather small wedge of Gruyere, which was rather overwhelmed at attempting to support the weight of so many Death Eaters and cuttlefish.
Everyone suddenly scrambled for a handhold, clinging tenaciously to the roof. Except for the Gruyere, which plummeted over the side, thinking that it had been good to be battlements, even for such a short time, and how it had really experienced more than most cheeses ever dreamed of, until it met the paving stones and all thoughts ceased.
Cuttlefish were sliding off the roof at an alarming rate, and Florence was having extreme difficulty with her tenacious clinging, as one arm held Snookums, Beatrice, Mergatroid, and Gandalf, who kept poking her in the ribs accidentally.
"Might I make a suggestion?" askedgmonkey42. "I could draw a really nice set of battlements on the edge of the roof, and that might hold them off--"
"Oh no!" shouted Bronze Ribbons. "Watch out!"
A giant tartan flannel was approaching, blocking out the sun's rays with its checkered magnificence.
"It's going to attack!" said valismort. "Quickly, someone...what does tartan fear?"
"Polka dots?" saidms_hecubus.
"Long walks on the beach?" asked Marginaliana.
"Lasagna?" asked Musigneus. "With lots of parmesan--"
"ENOUGH WITH THE CHEESE!" everyone shouted.
"It's getting closer! We're doomed!" Bronze Ribbons pulled out the Angst Ray, but it had no effect. Suddenly the flannel dropped to the ground, lifeless.
"What happened?" asked Marginaliana.
"Look!" shouted Ac1d, pointing.
The Giant Squid was on the lawn, and in its tangle of tentacles could be seen three struggling figures.
"It's about time your cephalopod obsession came in handy!" said Sinick.
on to Part Three
julian_black claims there's not enough squid!fic in the world. (She also suffered through the first draft and helped, so part of the blame may be sent directly to her.) So, may I present to you, part deux.Part one
snapesforte burst into Hogwarts, her wand at the ready, only to find it deserted. Even the suits of armor were quiet. "What is going on?" she hissed."It's empty!" marvelled
marginaliana."I'm here, there's no need to panic." valismort's voice boomed out, and they all turned to look at her.
"There's seaweed in your hair," pointed out
sinick."That's an important potion component," valismort said smoothly while she plucked the vegetation from her head. "Yes, now, where was I...oh yes! Don't panic, I'm here to lead the attack!"
"There's no one to attack!" said Snapesforte bitterly. "They've run off."
"It's a trap!" announced
rexluscus, peering out the still-open front doors. "They're all out on the lawn...""To the battlements!" roared valismort.
"There aren't any battlements," pointed out Marginaliana.
"Well...someone make some!" snapped valismort. "And quickly!"
They all piled onto the battlements and surveyed their enemies.
"This is their trap?" Snapesforte's lip curled. "Three people?"
bronze_ribbons frowned. "I see Minerva McGonagall..."valismort peered down at the tiny figures. "Hmm...this reminds me of a prophecy I once heard..."
"This isn't a prophecy involving cuttlefish, is it?" said Sinick wearily.
"How did you know?" asked valismort, shocked. "Are you a Seer, too? You never mentioned that on your job application...just that stint at Starbucks, and that incident with the recalcitrant mocha latté..."
"That wasn't my fault," insisted Sinick. "The hazelnut flavoring was bewitched. And besides, customers are overrated anyway."
They could hear chanting from below. The figures raised their wands and gestured in unison.
There was a horrific gurgling noise, and the lake suddenly whipped itself into a frenzy, frothing and splashing great founts of water about. Soon all of the cuttlefish were writhing on the surface of the water. With another gesture from their wands, the cuttlefish rose up in a wave and surged straight toward the battlements.
"NO!" cried out
florence_craye. "Not again!"Cuttlefish poured down upon them, and everyone shrieked as the cold cephalopods got caught in hair or plunged down the back of shirts. Only Snapesforte was immune, having created a shield in advance; she stood, looking bored, as the tiny squids bounced off.
"THAT'S IT!" capslock-of-raged valismort. "This means war!"
"Er...we're already at war with them," pointed out Rex.
valismort strode to the edge of the battlements and shouted, "DOUBLE WAR!" She shook her fist. "No sprinkles on top, either!" A cuttlefish zoomed up out of nowhere and slapped her on the forehead.
"Beatrice!" said Florence, jumping up to catch the stunned cephalopod. She cradled it in her arms.
"Surrender now!" shouted Minerva from the lawn.
"No!" shouted valismort, gripping the stone wall fiercely.
"Don't make me come up there!" Minerva waggled her wand in a disapproving manner.
"We have the tactical advantage! We're on battlements!" said valismort smugly. Her hands felt rather sticky, and she looked at them closely. "Who made these?" she roared, turning around to face the rest of the Death Eaters.
musigneus shuffled forward, looking rather sheepish.valismort held up her yellowed hands. "It's always cheese with you! Why couldn't you just transfigure the existing wall? That would have been gouda--er, good enough! No, you always have to work milk products into it somehow!"
There was a thunderous noise from the lawn, and everyone rushed to the edge of the battlements to see what was happening. Unfortunately, the battlements chose that moment to revert back to its former existence as a rather small wedge of Gruyere, which was rather overwhelmed at attempting to support the weight of so many Death Eaters and cuttlefish.
Everyone suddenly scrambled for a handhold, clinging tenaciously to the roof. Except for the Gruyere, which plummeted over the side, thinking that it had been good to be battlements, even for such a short time, and how it had really experienced more than most cheeses ever dreamed of, until it met the paving stones and all thoughts ceased.
Cuttlefish were sliding off the roof at an alarming rate, and Florence was having extreme difficulty with her tenacious clinging, as one arm held Snookums, Beatrice, Mergatroid, and Gandalf, who kept poking her in the ribs accidentally.
"Might I make a suggestion?" asked
gmonkey42. "I could draw a really nice set of battlements on the edge of the roof, and that might hold them off--""Oh no!" shouted Bronze Ribbons. "Watch out!"
A giant tartan flannel was approaching, blocking out the sun's rays with its checkered magnificence.
"It's going to attack!" said valismort. "Quickly, someone...what does tartan fear?"
"Polka dots?" said
ms_hecubus."Long walks on the beach?" asked Marginaliana.
"Lasagna?" asked Musigneus. "With lots of parmesan--"
"ENOUGH WITH THE CHEESE!" everyone shouted.
"It's getting closer! We're doomed!" Bronze Ribbons pulled out the Angst Ray, but it had no effect. Suddenly the flannel dropped to the ground, lifeless.
"What happened?" asked Marginaliana.
"Look!" shouted Ac1d, pointing.
The Giant Squid was on the lawn, and in its tangle of tentacles could be seen three struggling figures.
"It's about time your cephalopod obsession came in handy!" said Sinick.
on to Part Three
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 01:27 am (UTC)I love the Douglas Adams-ey-ness of this. You rock. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 01:47 am (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 03:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 04:02 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 05:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 01:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 04:03 pm (UTC)Your icon rocks!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-19 02:18 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-19 03:24 pm (UTC)It totally rocks! *laughs and laughs* Awesome squid.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 01:51 pm (UTC)Poor cuttles- they just want to be loved! (and attack)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-18 04:04 pm (UTC):) Good thing you rescued Gandalf!
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-21 06:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-26 01:42 am (UTC)