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valis2Mild adult content! You have been warned!
We've all wanted that lovely specimen of maleness. You know him. The beautiful one, the shy one, the one whose pectorals shimmer in the noonday sun...the one who really listens and takes out the garbage and buys you that second quart of ice cream unasked...yes, we've all wanted an entirely fictional man at one time or another.
But what happens Ever After? Does the fantabulous prince turns out to be a frog? Well, me hearties, that's what this guide is for! I've listed many of our favorite fantasy men, and revealed the true endings of their fairy tales, whether fabulous or frightening. Enjoy!
The Lord of the Rings series
Gandalf: He tends to run off a lot. Sometimes in the middle of your sentence, in fact. On the plus side, though, he knows how to wield a staff.
Legolas: His hair will always look prettier than yours. I should point out that wood-elves like their wine, so expect to find him face-down in a kegger rather regularly.
Boromir: Really likes polishing his sword. No, it's not a metaphor--he really likes polishing his sword. All. The. Time.
Aragorn: A pretty good deal, if you don't mind older men. Smart, strong, and wise--and he's king of something-or-rather, too, which can't be all bad, you know?
Sauron: Eh, don't bother. He's a big voyeur, that one.
Gollum: You'd better like sushi. I mean really like sushi.
The Harry Potter series
Severus Snape: Don't be put off by the teeth, my dears--here's a heart that's true. Why, he'll even take on an embarrassing Patronus shape just for you. Egress? Jellyfish? Mayfly? You bet. Watch out for substandard hygiene issues, though.
Albus Dumbledore: Watch out--this one's a master manipulator. And he'll always outdress you.
Sirius Black: He sheds. And has a rather alarming propensity for wine, women, and song. Yes, I'm just going to come out and say it: he's not exactly chaste--more like chased.
Remus Lupin: He sheds, too. It's only once a month--but it's a doozy! Also tends to become shabbier and more passive-aggressive over time. If you like "projects," he's the one.
Neville Longbottom: What? Are you crazy? A thousand times yes. Once that boy hits manhood, there'll be a line snaking out the door, mark my words. He's a badass with a heart of gold (and a big sword, to boot).
Aberforth Dumbledore: Don't bother unless you bleat rather often and your footgear of choice is cloven hooves.
Voldemort: You'd better bring a hot water bottle with you to bed--he's not exactly warm-blooded. And watch out--Nagini hogs the covers.
Angel/Buffyverse
Angel/Angelus: One makes you chicken soup and tucks you in bed when you're feeling low; the other ties you up to the wall and whips you and smolders with an unholy intensity. Sign me up.
Spike: Two words: black jacket. Perfect cheekbones. Evil grin. Fab abs. And he looks great with manacle accessories. Another keeper, as long as the handcuffs are tight.
X-Men
Wolverine: Hot body, an animal in bed, and the ability to give haircuts on the turn of a dime? That's what we call a win-win situation, princess.
Gambit: Not a good find for the skittish or those who are jumpy around fireworks.
Cyclops: Don't expect him to look deeply into your eyes. Unless you want to be a cinder.
Nightcrawler: Two words: prehensile tail.
Lost
Sawyer: Unless you come equipped with a bathtub full o' dough, you might want to take a pass. Wait--even if you do come equipped with a bathtub full o' dough, you might want to take a pass.
Desmond: Hot as hell, incredibly loyal, giftwrapped in a delicious blue shirt, and occasionally guesses tomorrow's lotto numbers--this one's a keeper.
Jack: If you like your men sensitive, this is the one for you. Just be certain to carry tissues with you at all times.
Ben: He's kind of like those seagulls in Nemo. "Mine! Mine! Mine!" If you're okay with that, and you enjoy long walks on the beach and mind games, then go for it.
Pirates of the Caribbean
Barbossa: Good for a fun time or two. Try putting apple slices down your bodice--it'll work wonders.
Captain Jack: Unless you regularly bathe in rum, I wouldn't bother. Yes, rum. And if you do bother, you should probably take a dip in disinfectant as well, for good measure. Before and after.
Norrington: He'll defy captains, kings, and East India Trading Company agents for you. And you know what all of that delicious repression leads to in the bedroom, right?
Star Wars
Luke Skywalker: Yes, he is handy with a lightsaber--but he has this annoying habit of using his Jedi Mind Trick a little often for comfort. I mean, seriously, you'll end up at the Intergalactic Pod Races with him at least ten times a month, not knowing how you got there. And let's not even bring up how he stares just a little too long at his sister.
Han Solo: Can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs, but forget about him remembering the dry cleaning. He'll probably drop it the moment an imperial starship shows up, anyway.
Darth Vader: The mask makes kissing a chore, and he's always off choking underlings and stuff. It's a pain sharing a bed--he's one of those mouth breathers (though the optional attachments are nice). I'm also a bit suspicious about what happened to his first wife.
Count Dooku: No. Just no. I mean, seriously, you don't really want to be known as Countess Dooku, do you? Puh-lease.
Neil Gaiman's Sandman series
Dream: Um, if the Dream King wants a little fling thing, you'd better say yes, or you'll end up in Hell for, like, ever. He'll even casually walk past you in Hell after the first thousand years and be, like, "SHUT IT, N00B." Shacking up with Dream = SRS BZNS.
Destiny: Not very spontaneous. Forget about surprising him on a date. Also, the book chained to his wrist gets old real fast.
Hob Gadling: Don't bother with a life insurance policy on this one.
Star Trek
Mr. Spock: The good news? Every seven years, you'll be treated to an earth-shattering org--er, experience. The bad news? Waiting seven years.
Kirk: While I applaud the diversity of his choices in partners, I still wince at the sheer number of them. He's great for a fling--who else can teach you the famed Gornian tongue manuevers?--but I'd not bother with a ring.
Other fandoms
(Battlestar Gallactica, original series) Starbuck: He's not exactly faithful. And sometimes you have to send a robot to rescue him when he wanders around underground without enough oxygen. And let's not get started about the cigars. Still, he could be fun for a romp.
(Flash Gordon, 1980 movie version) Flash: This one would be putty in your hands. With very little effort, I believe that you could convince him that [x] activity could save the universe. And what is that activity? The best part is that it's up to you to decide. Mopping the floor? Cleaning the microwave? Tying you to the bed and--yeah, the sky's the limit with this one.
(Indiana Jones series) Indiana Jones: For those who like a little kink in their lives. I mean, seriously. He brings his own whip.
(Batman) Batman: Oh, those wonderful toys.
(X-Files) Fox Mulder: You will never get a decent's night sleep with this one. And not for fun reasons, either. It'll be because, oh, say, an alien bounty hunter with an ice pick has wandered into the bedroom, or some guy named Krycek or X or Smokey Smokerson or some other nonsensical name is calling on the phone every five seconds, or a giant flukeman has appeared in the shower and dropped the soap. Yeah, Fox is cute, he cries, and he makes great jokes, but watch out for Mr. Tortured Soul, because it can only lead to Mrs. Nonexistent Sleep.
(Fantastic Four) The Human Torch: He is hot. Just be certain to keep a fire extinguisher on hand.
(Magnum, P.I.) Thomas Magnum: That mustache--the gift that keeps on giving. And let's not forget his thighs. Yes, jump on this one if you get the chance. I mean, the worst thing that could happen is that you get sick of helicopter rides.
(Princess Bride) Inigo Montoya: Incredibly talented and dashing, but rather single-minded about some things. Also, you'd better prepare yourself for frequent trips to the Thieves' Forest to pick him up after a bender.
(Addams Family) Gomez Addams: Run to the altar. Do not walk. This man will cherish you, worship you, adore you, and wrap you in a delicious cocoon of care--and all you have to do is say a few words in French.
(James Bond series) James Bond: Monogamy is not the first word that comes to mind, so I'd advise against long-term plans with this one--but do stop for a sample, if you have the time. I hear he's a cunning linguist; after all, the man has to study a lot of foreign tongues.
(Dr Who) The Doctor: Should you somehow manage not to get sucked out of an airlock into space, or have your spaceship's controls fried by a Cyberman so you crash into a planet, you will definitely enjoy this jaunt. Imagine where (and when) you could go on your honeymoon!
(GI Joe [comic book version]) Flint: Sure, he's great as arm candy--but steer him away from mirrored surfaces, or he'll be readjusting his beret all night long.
(Vampire Hunter D) D: Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is one of those ride-off-alone-into-the-sunset-on-a-mechanized-horse scenarios. Enjoy him while you can, but make him keep his left glove on while you're in the bedroom, unless you're interested in a ménage-a-trois.
(The Mummy) Ardeth Bay: Hells yes. Even if it means living out in the middle of the desert with a bunch of really immature guys who think the height of hilarity is a naughty knock-knock joke. He's that hot.
(Final Fantasy VII) Sephiroth: He has serious mother issues.
So there you have it, my lovelies--you've been warned! Now you know which fictional men to hold onto--and which to avoid. Enjoy!
Many thanks to the wonderful![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rexluscus for giggling in the right places. And this is dedicated to my spirit sister in fangirling hot men, pandora_nervosa. I also want to point out that I correctly remembered Han Solo's boast without looking it up first. Now that's geekery in action.
We've all wanted that lovely specimen of maleness. You know him. The beautiful one, the shy one, the one whose pectorals shimmer in the noonday sun...the one who really listens and takes out the garbage and buys you that second quart of ice cream unasked...yes, we've all wanted an entirely fictional man at one time or another.
But what happens Ever After? Does the fantabulous prince turns out to be a frog? Well, me hearties, that's what this guide is for! I've listed many of our favorite fantasy men, and revealed the true endings of their fairy tales, whether fabulous or frightening. Enjoy!
The Lord of the Rings series
Gandalf: He tends to run off a lot. Sometimes in the middle of your sentence, in fact. On the plus side, though, he knows how to wield a staff.
Legolas: His hair will always look prettier than yours. I should point out that wood-elves like their wine, so expect to find him face-down in a kegger rather regularly.
Boromir: Really likes polishing his sword. No, it's not a metaphor--he really likes polishing his sword. All. The. Time.
Aragorn: A pretty good deal, if you don't mind older men. Smart, strong, and wise--and he's king of something-or-rather, too, which can't be all bad, you know?
Sauron: Eh, don't bother. He's a big voyeur, that one.
Gollum: You'd better like sushi. I mean really like sushi.
The Harry Potter series
Severus Snape: Don't be put off by the teeth, my dears--here's a heart that's true. Why, he'll even take on an embarrassing Patronus shape just for you. Egress? Jellyfish? Mayfly? You bet. Watch out for substandard hygiene issues, though.
Albus Dumbledore: Watch out--this one's a master manipulator. And he'll always outdress you.
Sirius Black: He sheds. And has a rather alarming propensity for wine, women, and song. Yes, I'm just going to come out and say it: he's not exactly chaste--more like chased.
Remus Lupin: He sheds, too. It's only once a month--but it's a doozy! Also tends to become shabbier and more passive-aggressive over time. If you like "projects," he's the one.
Neville Longbottom: What? Are you crazy? A thousand times yes. Once that boy hits manhood, there'll be a line snaking out the door, mark my words. He's a badass with a heart of gold (and a big sword, to boot).
Aberforth Dumbledore: Don't bother unless you bleat rather often and your footgear of choice is cloven hooves.
Voldemort: You'd better bring a hot water bottle with you to bed--he's not exactly warm-blooded. And watch out--Nagini hogs the covers.
Angel/Buffyverse
Angel/Angelus: One makes you chicken soup and tucks you in bed when you're feeling low; the other ties you up to the wall and whips you and smolders with an unholy intensity. Sign me up.
Spike: Two words: black jacket. Perfect cheekbones. Evil grin. Fab abs. And he looks great with manacle accessories. Another keeper, as long as the handcuffs are tight.
X-Men
Wolverine: Hot body, an animal in bed, and the ability to give haircuts on the turn of a dime? That's what we call a win-win situation, princess.
Gambit: Not a good find for the skittish or those who are jumpy around fireworks.
Cyclops: Don't expect him to look deeply into your eyes. Unless you want to be a cinder.
Nightcrawler: Two words: prehensile tail.
Lost
Sawyer: Unless you come equipped with a bathtub full o' dough, you might want to take a pass. Wait--even if you do come equipped with a bathtub full o' dough, you might want to take a pass.
Desmond: Hot as hell, incredibly loyal, giftwrapped in a delicious blue shirt, and occasionally guesses tomorrow's lotto numbers--this one's a keeper.
Jack: If you like your men sensitive, this is the one for you. Just be certain to carry tissues with you at all times.
Ben: He's kind of like those seagulls in Nemo. "Mine! Mine! Mine!" If you're okay with that, and you enjoy long walks on the beach and mind games, then go for it.
Pirates of the Caribbean
Barbossa: Good for a fun time or two. Try putting apple slices down your bodice--it'll work wonders.
Captain Jack: Unless you regularly bathe in rum, I wouldn't bother. Yes, rum. And if you do bother, you should probably take a dip in disinfectant as well, for good measure. Before and after.
Norrington: He'll defy captains, kings, and East India Trading Company agents for you. And you know what all of that delicious repression leads to in the bedroom, right?
Star Wars
Luke Skywalker: Yes, he is handy with a lightsaber--but he has this annoying habit of using his Jedi Mind Trick a little often for comfort. I mean, seriously, you'll end up at the Intergalactic Pod Races with him at least ten times a month, not knowing how you got there. And let's not even bring up how he stares just a little too long at his sister.
Han Solo: Can make the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs, but forget about him remembering the dry cleaning. He'll probably drop it the moment an imperial starship shows up, anyway.
Darth Vader: The mask makes kissing a chore, and he's always off choking underlings and stuff. It's a pain sharing a bed--he's one of those mouth breathers (though the optional attachments are nice). I'm also a bit suspicious about what happened to his first wife.
Count Dooku: No. Just no. I mean, seriously, you don't really want to be known as Countess Dooku, do you? Puh-lease.
Neil Gaiman's Sandman series
Dream: Um, if the Dream King wants a little fling thing, you'd better say yes, or you'll end up in Hell for, like, ever. He'll even casually walk past you in Hell after the first thousand years and be, like, "SHUT IT, N00B." Shacking up with Dream = SRS BZNS.
Destiny: Not very spontaneous. Forget about surprising him on a date. Also, the book chained to his wrist gets old real fast.
Hob Gadling: Don't bother with a life insurance policy on this one.
Star Trek
Mr. Spock: The good news? Every seven years, you'll be treated to an earth-shattering org--er, experience. The bad news? Waiting seven years.
Kirk: While I applaud the diversity of his choices in partners, I still wince at the sheer number of them. He's great for a fling--who else can teach you the famed Gornian tongue manuevers?--but I'd not bother with a ring.
Other fandoms
(Battlestar Gallactica, original series) Starbuck: He's not exactly faithful. And sometimes you have to send a robot to rescue him when he wanders around underground without enough oxygen. And let's not get started about the cigars. Still, he could be fun for a romp.
(Flash Gordon, 1980 movie version) Flash: This one would be putty in your hands. With very little effort, I believe that you could convince him that [x] activity could save the universe. And what is that activity? The best part is that it's up to you to decide. Mopping the floor? Cleaning the microwave? Tying you to the bed and--yeah, the sky's the limit with this one.
(Indiana Jones series) Indiana Jones: For those who like a little kink in their lives. I mean, seriously. He brings his own whip.
(Batman) Batman: Oh, those wonderful toys.
(X-Files) Fox Mulder: You will never get a decent's night sleep with this one. And not for fun reasons, either. It'll be because, oh, say, an alien bounty hunter with an ice pick has wandered into the bedroom, or some guy named Krycek or X or Smokey Smokerson or some other nonsensical name is calling on the phone every five seconds, or a giant flukeman has appeared in the shower and dropped the soap. Yeah, Fox is cute, he cries, and he makes great jokes, but watch out for Mr. Tortured Soul, because it can only lead to Mrs. Nonexistent Sleep.
(Fantastic Four) The Human Torch: He is hot. Just be certain to keep a fire extinguisher on hand.
(Magnum, P.I.) Thomas Magnum: That mustache--the gift that keeps on giving. And let's not forget his thighs. Yes, jump on this one if you get the chance. I mean, the worst thing that could happen is that you get sick of helicopter rides.
(Princess Bride) Inigo Montoya: Incredibly talented and dashing, but rather single-minded about some things. Also, you'd better prepare yourself for frequent trips to the Thieves' Forest to pick him up after a bender.
(Addams Family) Gomez Addams: Run to the altar. Do not walk. This man will cherish you, worship you, adore you, and wrap you in a delicious cocoon of care--and all you have to do is say a few words in French.
(James Bond series) James Bond: Monogamy is not the first word that comes to mind, so I'd advise against long-term plans with this one--but do stop for a sample, if you have the time. I hear he's a cunning linguist; after all, the man has to study a lot of foreign tongues.
(Dr Who) The Doctor: Should you somehow manage not to get sucked out of an airlock into space, or have your spaceship's controls fried by a Cyberman so you crash into a planet, you will definitely enjoy this jaunt. Imagine where (and when) you could go on your honeymoon!
(GI Joe [comic book version]) Flint: Sure, he's great as arm candy--but steer him away from mirrored surfaces, or he'll be readjusting his beret all night long.
(Vampire Hunter D) D: Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is one of those ride-off-alone-into-the-sunset-on-a-mechanized-horse scenarios. Enjoy him while you can, but make him keep his left glove on while you're in the bedroom, unless you're interested in a ménage-a-trois.
(The Mummy) Ardeth Bay: Hells yes. Even if it means living out in the middle of the desert with a bunch of really immature guys who think the height of hilarity is a naughty knock-knock joke. He's that hot.
(Final Fantasy VII) Sephiroth: He has serious mother issues.
So there you have it, my lovelies--you've been warned! Now you know which fictional men to hold onto--and which to avoid. Enjoy!
Many thanks to the wonderful
rexluscus for giggling in the right places. And this is dedicated to my spirit sister in fangirling hot men, pandora_nervosa. I also want to point out that I correctly remembered Han Solo's boast without looking it up first. Now that's geekery in action.![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-19 11:56 pm (UTC)Oh, and don't forget Edward for Twilight. Though, you may not have read it.. yet. ;)
That was fun to read!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:42 am (UTC)Hmm...I haven't seen Twilight, though. :( Sorry!!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 12:18 am (UTC)But that guy Ardeth Bey from The Mummy? Waaaaaaaaaay hot. I've never known anyone else who noticed!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:44 am (UTC)I had it bad. Seriously.
Glad you enjoyed!!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 12:34 am (UTC)But Gawd, Mr. Tortured Soul is sure cute... darn him!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-03-20 02:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:38 am (UTC)You know me so freaking well: Desmond, Gomez, Wolverine, Snape, Spike, Aragorn, Gambit, Nightcrawler, Ardeth, Batman, Inigo, Han Solo, Thomas Magnum (every Thursday night all through middle school!) and OMG! Starbuck!! How much did I love Dirk Benedict? Like, loads!! My little girl hormones were in overdrive!
This is a perfect ending to my extremely, incredibly busy day!
::loves you so much!::
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:48 am (UTC)Of COURSE! You and I are total BRAINTWINS when it comes to men, you know! And you've inspired me so much. (Yes, I am reading that Desmond fic you've been pimping, lol!!)
And Starbuck--OMG I ABSOLUTELY LOVED STARBUCK. I still do. I still watch A*TEAM reruns simply because of him!! (Was watching one on Monday, no lie! ahaha)
*sends waves of happy lurve*
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-03-20 02:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 03:34 am (UTC)These are hilarious and spot on. *g*
I hope I wonderful dreams of Spike in manacles inside the Tardis while The Doctor takes me across the universe, then he regenerates at some point and looks exactly like Desmond.
Ah, what a dream that'll be for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 03:00 pm (UTC)*drools* Best. Dream. Ever.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 02:54 pm (UTC)WIN!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 03:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 07:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 08:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 07:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 08:47 pm (UTC)I can't believe I didn't think of Hank, though. That would have been a lot of fun, you're right!
(no subject)
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Date: 2008-03-20 11:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-20 11:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-06-21 09:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-21 03:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-05 09:50 am (UTC)And congrats on the geekery in action.
*loves*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-10-05 11:42 am (UTC);) Thank you so much!