Y'know...

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Something to be happy about...the new challenge on Quirky

I'm so geeked...there is a new challenge on quirkyhpshorts. The Fractured Fairy Tale Challenge, to be specific. I looooove fairy tales and myths, and I am so totally geeked to write my entry for this. I am also totally excited to see what other people come up with too.

It's going to be a judged challenge...I'll have a poll at the end of the contest for everyone to vote on their two favorite pieces. Have I mentioned how geeked I am?

The basic theme is: take a fairy tale or myth and Harry Potterize it. There are so many awesome possibilities with this one.

junediamanti, if you're still thinking about that Beowulf piece, it would probably fit into this challenge...

Another thesaurus moment.

Revenge

vengeance, avengement, sweet revenge, vendetta, death-feud, eye for an eye, blood for blood, a Roland for an Oliver, retaliation, day of reckoning.

rancor, vindictiveness, implacability, malevolence, ruthlessness.

avenger, vindicator, Nemesis, Eumenides.

revenge, avenge, take revente, have one's revenge, breathe revenge, breathe vengeance, wreak one's vengeance, wreak one's anger, give no quarter, have accounts to settle, have a crow to pluck, have a rod in pickle, pay off old scores.

keep the wound green, harbour revenge, harbour vindictive feeling, bear malice, rankle, rankle in the breast, have at one's mercy.

revenge, vengeful, vindictive, rancorous, pitiless, ruthless, rigorous, avenging, retaliative, unforgiving, unrelenting, inexorable, stony-hearted, implacable, relentless, remorseless.

rankling, immitigable.

revenge is sweet.

I so love this thesaurus. Who knew having a grudge to settle would be "having a crow to pluck"? So amazing.

Oh, and having a rod in pickle? I was thinking it might be referring to having a piece of metal in acid. Pickle is a light acid that eats away certain marks on metal, I believe, and what a potent image, keeping your weapon in acid, ready to deal your revenge...wow.

I think I'm going to try to post a thesaurus entry every week.