Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

Omg, I know exactly how you feel. I stare at all the fics that are recced on places like the Daily Snitch and Hogwarts Today and none of my stuff is ever mentioned, though I have friends who make it easily. I see other people go up for awards or are constantly mentioned and recced, and I seem to be pushed to the way side and ignored. My fics are imperfect, I'm the first to admit that, and some I'm disappointed in, but I guess I look at some of the other stuff that's recced and go, "I can do better than that." My fics never get top votes, reads, or recs. I tried to friend some important types on a friend reccing post, and I was staunchly ignored by all parties. I'm not important enough to even get an answer. I have a lot of doubt about writing skills and my stories.

But then the day passes and we get over it and keep on writing. I make myself happy sometimes, and enjoy the writing process, if nothing else. I know I make a certain few happy. *hugs* It'll be all right. The self-doubt passes.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for understanding. It is frustrating, and it is even more frustrating when I think, but I have so much to be thankful for, why am I whining?

Your writing is really unique, btw. You have a clever approach, and you really seem to think of new scenarios and thoughts. So many fanfic writers simply stand still and move in predictable ways. I love that you're so innovative.

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

(Sorry for the delay. I suck.)

I know what you mean. In the end, it is a bit frustrating, but I've just come to conclusion that as long as I'm happy, screw everybody else. I could be pubsliedh with 18 books and have a fortune and still not be well-loved. Even JKR gets crit and over-looked.

And thank you so much, I really appreciate that. I like to call this my "mad experimental phase". I adore learning.

And I havne't read much (again, I suck), but what I've seen is very, very loverly. And I adore your sense of humor. <333

[snapes-patronus.livejournal.com]

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

"Oh my God, this is the worst crap I've ever written. Anyone with half a brain will see what a fraud I am (if they haven't already). How can they not?"

It's called Impostor Syndrome--a very common affliction among writers of all types. Graduate students and non-tenured faculty are prone to the most virulent forms of it. It strikes without warning, and there is no cure. In some cases, publication only makes it worse.

Now, don't you feel better?

[snapes-patronus.livejournal.com]

Oh, balls--I'm supposed to be logged in as Julian Black. That's what I get for attempting to multi-task.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, this is the worst crap I've ever written. Anyone with half a brain will see what a fraud I am (if they haven't already).

Or my favorite variation...

"This has all been written before! It's not new! Argh!"

[julian-black.livejournal.com]

[laughs] Oh, I get that one when painting--"What a cliched, hackneyed piece of crap! You might as well paint smiling clowns or Thomas Kinkade rip-offs!"

[valis2.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAH! Do not say his name! *puts tin foil hat on computer*

[julian-black.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes. He's the Voldemort of the art world, isn't he?

"We must not invoke the Painter of Shite's (tm) name!"

"You mean Light, don't you?"

"Erm, no..."

[valis2.livejournal.com]

"Time and distance matter in painting..."

I was amazed to read how much the galleries got screwed over. Kinkade's company would charge them a premium price for the art, and then would sell to Wal-Mart for a fraction of the price.

[superbunny3000.livejournal.com]

wow, the thomas kinkade comment cracked me up; we torture one of our art group friends with it. once, someone went to hobby lobby and got him a thomas kincade paint-by-numbers kit, accompanied by a 'personalized' letter from thomas kinkade, thanking him for being such a fan. he went nuts trying to figure out who left it.

[julian-black.livejournal.com]

That's so mean--I love it!

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I studied art at university, but the name Thomas Kinkade only sounds sort of familiar. Who is he? (Bear in mind that I've seen paint-by-numbers Van Gogh things, but they were at specialty shops, not a craft store. They were so cool.)

[julian-black.livejournal.com]

Schlocky, sentimentalist crap.

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Here's a couple of random thoughts on the subject.

1. Recognition, as you will know, as an early watcher of my ongoing whinging was a long time a-coming. Possibly because I whinged so much, I achieved what all attention seekers want (at least that's what more than one person has suggested about me).

2. Awards. I've never ever nominated myself, though I did vote for myself last time (and much good it did me). If it is any comfort, one of the winners of the last round of Multifaceteds nominated herself. *snigger*

3. Finishing and at what pace hardly matters so long as you are enjoying the writing. I moaned about the business, but there was never a word I did not enjoy writing, it was the other crap that bothered. People write at different paces.

4. It's become hugely competitive lately, especially in the insane asylum that I operate in. I remind myself, it is not why I first sat down and wrote fanfic. I wrote my first fanfic because it was the fic I most wanted to read. If someone else had written it earlier, I'd probably not have bothered. It only came about after I searched for a good backstory Snape. And that's been it with all the others, a kind of, why hasn't anyone written X? So I wrote it.

And I'll be fine just as long as I keep telling myself I do not need to read a great Snape/Rosier fic...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the rational thoughts. I appreciate them more than you know.

I'd also like to mention that I need to read a great Snape/Rosier fic...hee!!

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Finished doesn't mean good. Being in the "top XX" of anything (in this case in particular from what I've read) may only mean that you, or your sycophants have very nimble refresh-button fingers. Being nominated for awards may (and usually does) only mean that your bestest fic friend 4EVA has nominated Ur fic because it ROxxx!! and used a dozen sockpuppets to back her up.

Write what you want to write at your own speed and enjoy it. If you don't enjoy writing it, do you think anyone will enjoy reading it? And forget reviews! You wouldn't believe the crap out there with literally thousands of reviews. "Good" reviews, nor many, do not a good story make.

Write on!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should have a banner now, or some sort of unique cheer. You're right, you're right. Thanks for making me feel better! :)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Being nominated for awards may (and usually does) only mean that your bestest fic friend 4EVA has nominated Ur fic because it ROxxx!!

That's probably true. I don't know if it counts, since the nomination was for the .::Quills::. contest and not for an actual award, but someone nominated my story for it. I had no idea who she was, but she e-mailed me and asked if it was all right if she nominated it. My first thought was 'someone actually read it' before 'someone read it and liked it'. Then, of course, was 'what's this Quills thing?'

Of course, I haven't won. I asked them about judging, since they were theoretically looking for judges (any category but my own, which wouldn't be fair), and they never contacted me.

I'm shocked to be nominated. Maybe it's because it's my first one, or because it was for the first long story (but not epic) I've done. I have no idea how many people read it, since there's no response system over at Master and Wolf. I kind of like that, though. No worries because that writer got more reviews than I did.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Since you don't know the person who nominated you, and didn't even know what it was you were being nominated for, I'd certainly say it was a legit nomination and offer you my heartiest congratulations!
That, IMHO, is far more of an award than being nominated for anything by sockpuppets.
Yes, there are some legitimate nomimations out there, but they're few and far between.

Good for you! What you experienced is far more of a validation as a writer than 1,000 reviews from the same readers over and over again who have to review every single chapter, sometimes multiple times!

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And thanks. I was shocked. I've certainly since looked at .::Quills::. At first, I didn't want to read anything there, since I'd volunteered to judge and didn't want to have read anything in advance (before knowing criteria). Since they haven't bothered to contact me, I've gone back and started to read there. I began at the first story in Action/Adventure and read the whole thing in two bum-breaking sessions. Granted, my story's in the Angst category, but I'm honored just to be there. Fer real.

I have no sockpuppets, so I can't have them putting up thousands of reviews for my stuff. Actually, I've only got two stories anywhere that takes reviews directly, so I have no way of gathering minions in such a fashion. I'm such a poor Slytherin in that regard. Still, I was only sorted Slytherin once, as opposed to all those other times.

The genuine validation of the few is quite meaningful to me. I'm surprised, yet very pleased to have had the one good response. I need to learn to take a compliment. A bunch of 'squee' things would only make me paranoid that I really suck and nobody will tell me.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

The "best" review I ever got was my one "bad" one. It was the only one that mentioned things that bothered me the most about my own story. For reasons way too complicated to explain, I'd had to write out an entire character and that took out several chapters and a whole storyline. It left what I, and this single reviewer, saw as a gaping plot hole. I was thrilled that someone was actually reading the thing and paying attention.

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

Oh geez, do I understand that 'I've been picked last...again' feeling! Yes, fanfiction writing shouldn't be a popularity contest but...

Writing, particularly fiction, is also about plucking out bits of one's soul and placing them on paper for all the world to see. Some days the attitude is 'this is what I am and, if you don't like it, too *bleeping* bad'.

Yet, deep down, who doesn't want approval from one's peers? Who doesn't secretly want that feedback or those awards? Maybe some writers are so secure in themselves that they don't. I think though, that for the rest of us, there is a need to have others respond to our writing, for when they do they are acknowledging that we exist.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, I always thought I would just hurl my writing into the void, but now I realize that I want the void to stand up and recognize. Yeah, writing fanfiction has made me understand my inner ham. :)

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

I am sort of in the same boat. I'm not worried so much about the hit counts and the reviews, because the readers I do get are extremely loyal. And I've never had a lot of bad reviews, so the ones I get really give me a boost. It does make me a little sad, because I believe my work is good. (Your's is, by the way :-)

However, with my readers telling me that my stuff is some of the best they've ever read, and I'm their favorite author, I do sort of wish I would get nominated for something. I want peer approval, probably more than fan approval, and I know if I ever get that damn novel written, it will be the same.

Here are some thoughts, though, that might put this in perspective:

For one, neither you nor I are writing SS/HG fiction. They are by far the most popular in the fandom. So, we are never going to get the reader base that some of the other HP writers that we know are getting.

Two, we are not writing typical SS/OFC stories, either. You are on chapter 63 and haven't had anything more than a shadow of possible romance. I'm convinced that sex and romance matters. In fact, I believe it is the prime motivation for writing and reading fanfiction for the vast majority of people in the community.

Three, neither of us pimp our works. I often neglect to even announce when I have a chapter up, although I try to get it into my LJ. Some of these authors will post chapter announcements to every single HP fanfic group they belong to. I'm sure you have people on your flist who write about their work in their LJ all the time.

Without readership, you are that much less likely to come to the attention of whomever it is that nominates these things. Pure and simple.

It isn't a matter of how good your work is, but a matter of taste, style and exposure.

Hope this helps,
Marianne

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, you make complete sense. And my shyness at promoting certainly doesn't help, though I plan on doing a little more once I've reached the end.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. And the compliment! You're so kind. ;)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Yes, please do promote. I'm more likely to read those long stories when they're finished. I'm only starting June's, which will be my first SS/HG story. I'm scared of them, personally, because of the large dork fanbase that supports that pairing.

If it helps, you're listed on my friends page in dark blue (that means interesting people). Am I supposed to alternate letters with dark blue and green? (Green is for journals of people I've followed simply because of their writing. I might get to know them later.)

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with your head and your heart not seeing eye-to-eye. That's my biggest problem. I know this, but feel that. It's very frustrating.

You're cool, and there's a bunch of us here who are paying attention. No squees, but it does sound like a fairly intelligent group of people. (I may be wrong, but I'm going by the posts I read here.) For once, I'm counting myself among them. I wouldn't waste my time on you if you weren't worth talking to. That's cold and blunt, but it's true.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you for the thumbs-up! I really appreciate it. I'm totally blushing now...this is such a nice comment that I know I'm going to go back and read it again several times whenever I need a pick-me-up.

:)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

You're a cheap date. (So to speak.) My compliment wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy that most people give, so I am glad that you took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Keep on going. That's all we can do. (Plod, plod, plod...)

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Good points. I fall into your category as well. I aviod SS/HG like the plague, I wrote an OFC fic in which there is some romance but there's surprisingly little smut (despite what some people think) and I've never pimped.
I started writing for a small group of friends purely for enjoyment--it was actually a bit of a joke at first. Sometime during the course of writing, I met a bunch more people and as they heard about bits and pieces they wanted to read it and I ended up archiving it because it was just easier than emailing it. I had no idea the size of the "market" and was always surprised when a review from a complete stranger showed up. After posting a short synopsis of the fic once it was finished on the "completed novel length fics" BB I was done. I knew the people who'd asked to read it had read it and apparently a fair few others had too.
I always kept the purpose in view. I was writing for fun, for entertaiment and for excercise. I never went about thinking, "now what can I put in here that no one will review negatively? What will get the most squees?"
Look at it like the difference between a book you'd heard about and have to go looking for at a store, maybe one published by a small indy publisher, and some overblown bodice ripper you can buy while checking out groceries. The mass market paperback is going to sell hundreds of thousands. It'll show up in beach bags all summer. It will eventually start "automatically" opening to the smuttiest page whenever it's put down. But if you really pay attention to what happens to that mass market stuff, you'll be amazed at how short-lived it really is. A month, maybe two at the checkout stand, then it's into the seconds bin and the paperback ten-for-a-dollar trade shops with the cover torn off.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Eighty new paperbacks debut each month just in the romance category alone. You can't escape the sound of pages hitting the dumpster each month as bookstores purge their shelves.

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Ahhh... one of those days. I've had far too many of them recently, when my writing seemed to slow to painful crawl. (It's a bit better right now, because the latest chapter has finally entered the editing process.)

Look, about the awards - June had a post about them somewhere along the line, and while I'm not quite as cynical about it as she is, I realise they really don't mean much. The fact that I got nominated means just one thing: someone who likes my fic, knew about these awards and nominated me. Which is really great, but keep in mind it only takes one person. And my chances of winning are pretty much zilch, because my fic is OC-centric, has no popular ships and has no hawt sex.

And did I mention my hit count has dropped from 400+ for chapters 1-16 to about 150 for chapter 22? Yeah, it's depressing.

Anyway, hope you feel better about it all soon. This sounds very familiar. Don't worry, we all have these moments. Many, many of them.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My writing is crawling right now...no chapter yet...I've just been so busy.

And the awards...well, I understand, but that doesn't stop the little crybaby from stomping her foot inside of me. hee! Just know that I usually disregard her anyway.

Thanks so much for the thoughts. I appreciate them.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

What's depressing about getting 150 reviews per chapter? I am confused. That looks great to me. Or is hit count something different?

I know that the Fiction Alley hit count is often messed up because of the way it's linked. If you hit on chapter 1 and back out, then hit chapter 2, it counts as a hit on each one. If you forward to chapter 2 (then 3 and so on), it doesn't count as a hit on those subsequent chapters. Only on those actually clicked on. Chapter 1 can have 500 hits and each after has fewer and fewer. A really good story, people will read start-to-finish, garnering only one actual hit. Check the post dates. If several chapters of something on FA are posted to the story in the same day, the first one will have many more hits than the ones after. People click the first one then forward.

Just an idea, if that's what you meant by 'hits'.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Oh now that I didn't know. It explains a lot. Thanks for pointing that out.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's a flaw in the system, or what. But it does mess up the 'count' as they put it. Take a look at the numbers. Four postings on the same day, the first one will have at least twice the hits the others do, probably more like four times. The last one will have far fewer, because people are hitting 'next' at that point. I usually don't, simply because I hate having to back out of all those screens to get to the beginning.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

I could never figure out why I'd have a couple hundred hits on one chapter and maybe 50 on the next. Even now the hits go chapter one: 1000+, chapter 2: 68 then the rest are in the hundreds. What does it mean when "pop" is written next to your hit count? I never noticed that before.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. Fiction Alley, like ffn, gives me the creeps. I like it only if I know the exact author I'm looking for and what specific place the stories are in. To just look for something to read, it freaks me out because I have the worst time finding anything that doesn't suck. I find something promising, and it's not finished. I look at the last posted bit, and it's months old. It will never be finished, so I keep going.

I didn't get an account there (going with ffn instead) simply because the process seemed much simpler. Getting around at FA weirds me. Can you look in the 'help' or 'FAQ' sections and find out? They are often more confusing, but they might have your answer.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm not that concerned. It is pretty impossible to find your way around. But like I said, I only archived so people could find it--I just gave people who asked the direct link. I picked FA because some of those folks were already there and recommended it and they have some standards--at least stuff has to be proof-read, unlike ff.net which is...well...you know.

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I meant by hits. And I understand what you mean, but it's not what's happening with my story. I post chapters about once a month, so people who are rwading the fic click on the new chapter when it's up. My hit count was a regular 400+ until chapter 17, where it started dropping.

And 150 reviews per chapter? Not in my wildest dreams!

[superbunny3000.livejournal.com]

wowie. lotta words o' wisdom here. i cant think of anything else to add.

I'D pick you for my dodgeball team any day. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks! I must warn you, I am probably the worst dodgeball player in the history of dodgeball. ;)

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

I did... I don't remember... Sounds wise, though. Oh, hang on, do you mean when I found out I'd been nominated for an award? Yeah, I never did do anything about that or find out what was happening with that.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Well, hopefully they acknowledged your amazing way with words.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

I think, in my entire school career (K-12), that I was picked last for games every time except once, when I was second to last. This did not include high school, by which time I knew I would be last, or second-to, because my friend Darren, who was openly gay in high school, was in my PE class. We would be last picked and knew it, so we never bothered to wait on the line while they chose teams. We leaned against the wall and talked, and then each went to a team. Unfortunately, we never got to be on the same team because of that.

When he wasn't in my class, I'd kind of hang out, or sit around, since I knew I'd be last. It made people really mad sometimes, since I was supposed to stand there eagerly and wait to be picked, or something. By junior and senior year, I know that's not going to happen. Even if I'm not the worst at whatever game we're playing, I'm going to be last. I didn't care at that point in time, since I knew it wasn't based on skill.

In grade school, I did wonder sometimes. Why'd they pick her? I'm much better at (whatever) than she is. But mostly, I knew by the time I was ten or so how the system worked.

Fanfic seems much the same. Although I write mostly for myself, I am concerned that someone actually enjoy what I write, since I'm putting it out there. Not squee over it, but think it was worth their time and effort to read. I'm especially paranoid about my rare pairing story, as this is being done for someone else. I've never done it before, and I want the person to like the story I've written for her. That's different from regular fanfic, though.

In the great dodgeball game of life, it's better to have a small, tightly-knit team of mates than it is to have a large, loud one full of idiots. YMMV

[valis2.livejournal.com]

In the great dodgeball game of life, it's better to have a small, tightly-knit team of mates than it is to have a large, loud one full of idiots. YMMV

Ha!

Though sometimes, if you're...say...Lord Voldemort, you can get the idiots to do quite a few helpful things...hee!

I love no longer having to worry about the tremendous amount of stress involved with school...it is lovely to be grown-up in some ways.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Lord Voldemort is very powerful and ruthless. I am neither. If I was very powerful, I might be able to afford to be ruthless and could thus use people accordingly. But, I am not the leader type. I lack the charisma for people to follow me. I also lack the mentality to let me follow blindly. I wander alone, in general.

It can get lonely, but you also don't end up eating anyone else's dust.

[aramintasnape.livejournal.com]

After reading the other comments, I don't really have anything new to add. But I agree with several points others have made - just because your fic doesn't get recced or nominated for awards doesn't mean it isn't a great piece of work. Although the whole award thing must be great, since writers have the option of nominating themselves it doesn't necessarily mean a great deal. Not to knock those who have been nominated of course, just trying to say that you shouldn't feel bad about it. Also, a lot of people probably don't know about the award process - I only found out about it myself a few days ago. Yes, I'd heard of stories being nominated for awards, but I didn't know it was the kind of thing where anyone could nominate their favourite fics. I thought it would be more like a special committee who picked them.

Also, the point made about SS/HG versus SS/OFC is a good one. I used to dream of having 30+ reviews per chapter, etc., but have since realised that on Occlumency that very rarely happens! And you could try pimping your stories too. I don't do this personally, as I'm not confident enough about my writing abilities, but perhaps posting an announcement at a few groups would draw more readers into your story.

I understand the 'being picked last' thing and it is a horrible feeling. I'm not talking in fanfic terms personally, but in any area of your life it can just make you feel really down. Sending positive vibes your way ;)

Well, after saying I had nothing to say...perhaps I'd better stop ;)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You're so sweet...thank you for the positive vibes! I totally appreciate them.

Yeah, Occlumency seems to have the lowest review rate of the three archives I post to. Still, it has a certain set of reviewers that I love, so it's well worth it.

Thank you for weighing in! :)