valis2 | Dear eBay Customers

Dear Mr. Impatient: I know it's hard to believe, but I do not, in actuality, sit at my computer 24/7 and wait for customers to leave me feedback so that I can respond in kind. I leave feedback once every other week, after the majority of people have paid, so that I can do all 100 to 150 pieces of feedback at the same time. Some customers, in fact, never leave me feedback, so I don't rely on them to decide when to respond. Anyone who pays me receives positive feedback. Period. Makes my life easier.

Dear Mr. Trying-to-get-a-deal: No, I will not end the auction early so that you can buy this item for a ridiculously low sum, when you and I both know that it will fetch far more on the last day. Yes, I do, in fact, know how to end an auction early. But I'm not going to.

Dear Mr. Threatening: I dislike you, and your wife, and I resent the implication that you have so snidely suggested. I do not, in fact, log onto eBay as four different IDs, and then proceed to drive up the prices of every item I have on auction. Honestly, I don't have the time, nor the poor grasp of ethics, to be engaging in such behaviour. Oh, you've just realized it was someone else entirely? Someone else who disliked you intensely? What a surprise. No, I will not give you a discount on shipping because we happen to inhabit the same state.

Dear Ms. Impossible-to-understand: I gave you a terrific deal. And threw in extra merchandise to boot. And then charged you substantially less than it actually cost to ship it to Japan. I will send you replacement goods for the items you claim were "broken," and I will send you the items you purchased this week in the same box, but I will definitely charge you the difference on shipping for the first package. I do not appreciate the incomprehensible emails, the drain on my time, nor the (quite frankly) bizarre notion that you do not own any sort of camera whatsoever. Not even on your phone. I thought you lived in Tokyo! No one you know has a camera? I find that hard to believe. I really, really, really hope that we shall never do business together again.

Dear Ms. Exuberant: Your feedback was short and to the point, if a bit hyperbolic. Please keep in mind that while I retain the utmost respect and gratitude for the easy business transaction we shared, I do not, in fact, love you in return. But I appreciate the sentiment very much, as it lifted my spirits, and continues to do so.

Island of the Lone Sane Thought