Have seen Constantine, and must rant. Spoilers for said movie in this entry. There's your warning.

[valis2]

Last night I watched the dreadful (or nearly entirely dreadful) Constantine.

The valis bullet list review...


• The hospital has security cameras on the roof. Uh, why? Even more insane, they are recording audio. WHAT? Why? First, it's not exactly legal, and second, you'd only hear the wind howling. How many mics would they have, anyway? They'd have to have one right next to the swandiving twin to pick up her whispered word.


• "Papa Midnight is a crusader for good. He swore the oath of neutrality." Yeah, I know what they mean, but I cracked up seriously when I heard that.


• It's so easy to get into Hell these days; you just need a bowl of water and a cat. Sing Sing's electric chair will do in a pinch.


• The guy who gets the Spear of Destiny walks for a looong time before he thinks of hitching a ride.


• Gavin from Bush is in this movie. I have this thing about Gavin. He has to be one of the hottest men ever (at least to me). I can't look at him too long or my retinas will melt. I try not to think about him at all because I know I'll get obsessed. So I was so excited about seeing him here. He did this video a while ago where he was an angel, and it was one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen, and I thought, oh, I hope he acts at some point, because wow, the looks on his face, and the whole angel thing, and the...oh wow. But he's a half-demon in this movie instead, and I was really unhappy that he didn't get much screen time, and much of it was pointless. And then, pointless gooey death of boredom.


• I'm so sick of "Stay in the car!" and then they don't. Nobody listens. And Angela was so wearing the necklace and then took it off. Can we say "meaningless tension"?


• The maggot demon that attacks John in the street reminded me so much of Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas. I kept saying "My buggggs! Myyy buuuugggs!" until my friend hit me.


• In Papa Midnight's bar everybody has to show all these freaky abilities in the obligatory walk-through-the-nightclub sequence. Someone is either turning water to wine or to blood, and I just couldn't help but think, her friends are probably insanely bored by this, isn't that an oooold trick?


• At one point my friend said, "Let's just turn it off!" I whined, "But I want to see Gavin in tight pants!" and my friend replied, "All you're going to see him in is prosthetic makeup, exploding." Wah. Exactly what happened.


• "[Water] lubricates the transition from one plane to another." *cries*


• I *loved* Lucifer. He was the best part of the entire movie. I even watched that entire sequence again. The little tics, the filthy, steaming feet, the "Fine! Done." bit, oh, he made it almost worthwhile.


• What the hell was up with Keanu's delivery? He was speaking slowly, ponderously, in a really weird deep register, and it was horrible. My skin was crawling through much of the beginning.


• I've read a little of Hellblazer, and it has almost nothing at all to do with this movie. Poor Alan. First, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (my recap), and now this. V is for Vendetta and the Watchmen are in development right now, and he's probably ready to jump off a roof after Isabel.


• The cat in the movie is a Russian Blue (I think), and I love cats, and that is the kind of cat I would want, and what a sweet little cat! I loved the cat. And then Angela opens the door and the cat runs right out of the apartment! I was so angry that we didn't get a "Come back in, sweet Duck, here's a treat, aw, you want some snuggles?" scene. In my mind the cat is still out in the hallway, in danger, and it's bothersome. Actually, I wouldn't have minded just watching Rachel & Keanu snuggle with the cat for an hour. It would have been better than this ridiculous piece of trash. Yeah, an hour of snuggling the cat, and then Lucifer shows up. (And yes, I almost typed Lucius there.)


• ETA: junediamanti reminded me of how poorly they portrayed Hell. I agree with her, it does look like an abandoned car lot. On fire. It was stupid. There was no sense of...well, the enormity of it, and the personal of it, where it's huge and vast and yet happening to just this one person and...oh, forget it. It was just awful!

Comments

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

I borrowed a mantra from camwyn when I first heard about this movie - "They didn't call it Hellblazer, I don't have to believe it."

I'm not a fan of books into movies anyway, and this travesty movie adaptation makes me nearly as incandecent as the whole Disney "Hunchback of Notre Dame" fiasco. (seriously. Did anyone actually read the book before pitching the idea as a musical cartoon? Fucking singing gargoyles. gag. Don't get me started.)

Anyway. The thing that really kills me is there is a perfectly good actor who vaguely resembles Sting who can actually do a decent British accent and can totally nail the Constantine snarkiness: James Marsters. Heck, Spike practically was Constantine. So why they had to cast stupid Keanu (whom I do like in some roles) just kills me. I know because he has more of a 'name' than James but arugh. It's just not right.

If I were in charge of the world, I'd make a movie that had Sting playing Constantine (which he totally could, John is about the same age as Sting now, and let's face it, Sting is still pretty healthy looking, he could play younger) and then James Marsters playing him in a flashback.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, James would have been fabulous, I love him so much! And the snark...he was meant for the snark. When I saw that Keanu was lined up for it I thought, what a huge miscasting error! oh no!

Though I must mention that I actually liked Hunchback very much (except for the odious "A Guy like you" number, which was horrid and I skip right over because it drags the movie into, well, a singing gargoyle hell). It has to be one of my favorite Disney movies. Thought it isn't the book, of course.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

The thing that really gets me more than anything re: Hunchback, is the characters in the book are all not good people. They are all selfish, which is why they all die in the end. Even Quazimoto, his love for Esmeralda was a fairly selfish love. None of them acted for anyone else.

And the thing that really bugged me about the movie was Phoebus was a good guy. He bloody wasn't. He was a lecherous cad who was going to sleep with Esmerelda and had no intention of marrying her ever, and when she was accused of attacking him, he didn't defend her at all.

Sorry. Just really bugs me.

That being said I saw a play once that was a parody of Hunchback and it was hysterical. Towards the end the actors all decide the story is depressing and this plot fairy comes along and then everyone acts backwards for a moment, and then they give it an outragously happy ending. Totally brilliant. It was one of those audience interacting type plays.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, Disney has to adhere to the Hays code. ;) You know how they are! They got into such trouble over the "Hellfire" song as it was. I just pretend the book doesn't exist and then I try to enjoy the movie, though things pop up.

Things like Frollo's twenty year old horse. *giggles*

[luvboromir24601.livejournal.com]

(seriously. Did anyone actually read the book before pitching the idea as a musical cartoon? Fucking singing gargoyles. gag. Don't get me started.)

I want to know how someone decided that book would be a good Disney movie. Oh wait - I guess when you bastardize the plot it might be an okay Disney movie. :D (Sorry valis2 - you can smack me for that if you want, since this is your journal and all.) ;) I haven't seen that movie in ages. I adore the book though. I was reading it again yesterday, actually. What bothers me the most is the way Disney made Frollo Justice of the Peace or whatever the fuck he was instead of him being the Archdeacon. Didn't they put some nice fat guy in as the Archdeacon instead? Ugh. NONONO!

Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a movie version of Hunchback that ends the way the book does. I've seen movies where Phoebus and Esmeralda get married and at least one where Gringoire and Esmeralda hook up. Esmeralda's mother is never in the movies either, and I love her part. The ending is tragic times ten with her in the picture. Perhaps I should make my movie Hunchback movie and make it canonically correct.

I read the book before I saw the Disney movie so I just can't enjoy it. >_<

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Like cruisedirector says, the Disney movies inhabit a separate vacuum from their source material, and I usually just treat them like an entirely separate piece of work. On that basis, I like Hunchback a lot.

No smacking, my dear! I'm just happy to see you online, dahling. ;)

[luvboromir24601.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :)

I need to keep that in mind while talking about Disney movies. I guess I just get wanky with Disney Hunchback because I'm such a fucking bad book-canon purist type and because it is one of my favorite books.