Have seen Constantine, and must rant. Spoilers for said movie in this entry. There's your warning.

[valis2]

Last night I watched the dreadful (or nearly entirely dreadful) Constantine.

The valis bullet list review...


• The hospital has security cameras on the roof. Uh, why? Even more insane, they are recording audio. WHAT? Why? First, it's not exactly legal, and second, you'd only hear the wind howling. How many mics would they have, anyway? They'd have to have one right next to the swandiving twin to pick up her whispered word.


• "Papa Midnight is a crusader for good. He swore the oath of neutrality." Yeah, I know what they mean, but I cracked up seriously when I heard that.


• It's so easy to get into Hell these days; you just need a bowl of water and a cat. Sing Sing's electric chair will do in a pinch.


• The guy who gets the Spear of Destiny walks for a looong time before he thinks of hitching a ride.


• Gavin from Bush is in this movie. I have this thing about Gavin. He has to be one of the hottest men ever (at least to me). I can't look at him too long or my retinas will melt. I try not to think about him at all because I know I'll get obsessed. So I was so excited about seeing him here. He did this video a while ago where he was an angel, and it was one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen, and I thought, oh, I hope he acts at some point, because wow, the looks on his face, and the whole angel thing, and the...oh wow. But he's a half-demon in this movie instead, and I was really unhappy that he didn't get much screen time, and much of it was pointless. And then, pointless gooey death of boredom.


• I'm so sick of "Stay in the car!" and then they don't. Nobody listens. And Angela was so wearing the necklace and then took it off. Can we say "meaningless tension"?


• The maggot demon that attacks John in the street reminded me so much of Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas. I kept saying "My buggggs! Myyy buuuugggs!" until my friend hit me.


• In Papa Midnight's bar everybody has to show all these freaky abilities in the obligatory walk-through-the-nightclub sequence. Someone is either turning water to wine or to blood, and I just couldn't help but think, her friends are probably insanely bored by this, isn't that an oooold trick?


• At one point my friend said, "Let's just turn it off!" I whined, "But I want to see Gavin in tight pants!" and my friend replied, "All you're going to see him in is prosthetic makeup, exploding." Wah. Exactly what happened.


• "[Water] lubricates the transition from one plane to another." *cries*


• I *loved* Lucifer. He was the best part of the entire movie. I even watched that entire sequence again. The little tics, the filthy, steaming feet, the "Fine! Done." bit, oh, he made it almost worthwhile.


• What the hell was up with Keanu's delivery? He was speaking slowly, ponderously, in a really weird deep register, and it was horrible. My skin was crawling through much of the beginning.


• I've read a little of Hellblazer, and it has almost nothing at all to do with this movie. Poor Alan. First, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (my recap), and now this. V is for Vendetta and the Watchmen are in development right now, and he's probably ready to jump off a roof after Isabel.


• The cat in the movie is a Russian Blue (I think), and I love cats, and that is the kind of cat I would want, and what a sweet little cat! I loved the cat. And then Angela opens the door and the cat runs right out of the apartment! I was so angry that we didn't get a "Come back in, sweet Duck, here's a treat, aw, you want some snuggles?" scene. In my mind the cat is still out in the hallway, in danger, and it's bothersome. Actually, I wouldn't have minded just watching Rachel & Keanu snuggle with the cat for an hour. It would have been better than this ridiculous piece of trash. Yeah, an hour of snuggling the cat, and then Lucifer shows up. (And yes, I almost typed Lucius there.)


• ETA: junediamanti reminded me of how poorly they portrayed Hell. I agree with her, it does look like an abandoned car lot. On fire. It was stupid. There was no sense of...well, the enormity of it, and the personal of it, where it's huge and vast and yet happening to just this one person and...oh, forget it. It was just awful!

Comments

You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[lfire1.livejournal.com]

*nods at all all points*

Not to mention that a nice big chunk of the central core of the movie, is ripped to shreds when you know that Suicide hasn't been regarded as a sin of any kind since Vatican II, the Catholic Church wouldn't have reacted to Isabel's death that way and she wouldn't have been 'damned'. So all that to and fro ing from Hell was pretty much useless really.

Personally once he got "lubricated" to the Netherworld I kept wanting Bill to turn up so they could turn it into "Bill & Ted's Hellacious Road Trip"

*sighs* Hellblazer was and is, sardonic and witty and not much like this movie at all really...but guess we all saw that coming when Keanu was cast in the part of an ascerbic Welsh/Liverpudlian who looks like Sting. As for Alan, well apparently he doesn't give a flying fudgesicle one way or another anymore. He got burned by Hollywood once way back when (shocker!), and now he just takes the money and ignores them even if they ask him to come on as 'consultant', figures it's not his work anymore.

But hell yes (pardon the pun!) Peter Stormare's Lucifer rocked!!

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Ha! Exactly! I wanted to babble about the religious stuff, but then I thought about it and got exhausted and decided not to even bother, there was enough wrong with it before adding that on as well. heh.

Yes, when I heard that Keanu had been cast I despaired. That was when I knew that there was no way it could come out anything like the comics. Wah!

Alan apparently gives part of his money to the artists who worked on the respective comics as well, and now I've read somewhere that he's so pissed off about somebody putting words in his mouth about Constantine (I think it was the director or producer) that he's washing his hands entirely of it.

[randomspectator.livejournal.com]

Well if ever I needed more proof that it would not be a good idea for me to watch this movie, you've just layed it out!

I gpt stuck on a) hatred of Keanu Reeves. I personally don't think he can act for toffee and b) hatred of poorly explained quasi-religious tripe in films.

However, that fact that it has the melt-worthy Gavin Rossdale in it in but chose to give him a little part and fecking prosthetics is the final straw. That, and the lack of explaination of where the cat is (Russian blues are gorgeous.)

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Tilda was good. Tilda Swinton.

She's brilliant at playing utterly weird flakos, she was excellent as the spooky woman in charge of the hippy sorta colony in "The Beach".

She can play relatively normal-ish people, too. She was fabulous in "Orlando" and she played "Isabella of France" in the movie version of Edward II. She played it as a posh tory lady with handbag, which had you fooled until she actually appeared to rip out some guys throat with her teeth (yup, a fun movie).

She played a waitress in a wonderful BBC drama about country n western and gang murders called, "Your Cheatin' Heart". And she was our great movie director, Derek Jarman's actress muse.

She was my favourite.

I was particularly disappointed in the rendition of Hell as some on fire abandoned car lot. I hoped for the sort of visceral renditions that Vertigo do so very well.

And John... where was the brown raincoat? The permanent cockney smartarsedness? And

It is pronounced Constant-tyne. Not Constant-een. Grr.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

I borrowed a mantra from camwyn when I first heard about this movie - "They didn't call it Hellblazer, I don't have to believe it."

I'm not a fan of books into movies anyway, and this travesty movie adaptation makes me nearly as incandecent as the whole Disney "Hunchback of Notre Dame" fiasco. (seriously. Did anyone actually read the book before pitching the idea as a musical cartoon? Fucking singing gargoyles. gag. Don't get me started.)

Anyway. The thing that really kills me is there is a perfectly good actor who vaguely resembles Sting who can actually do a decent British accent and can totally nail the Constantine snarkiness: James Marsters. Heck, Spike practically was Constantine. So why they had to cast stupid Keanu (whom I do like in some roles) just kills me. I know because he has more of a 'name' than James but arugh. It's just not right.

If I were in charge of the world, I'd make a movie that had Sting playing Constantine (which he totally could, John is about the same age as Sting now, and let's face it, Sting is still pretty healthy looking, he could play younger) and then James Marsters playing him in a flashback.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I wanted more cat scenes. Cat snuggling...yum! If they had done a scene with Gavin snuggling a cat I would have bought the movie for certain. *laughs*

Keanu was so awful in this movie...I don't mind him, normally, and he's good in the right part, but this...ugh! SO not John Constantine.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Tilda was good in the movie! I thought she did her part (her awful, nonsense part) very well. She interested me and held my attention, as did Lucifer.

The lack of the brown raincoat, and the only vague attempts at smartass comments pissed me off too!

Oh, yes! Hell was so ridiculous!! *rushes off to add that to the list*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, James would have been fabulous, I love him so much! And the snark...he was meant for the snark. When I saw that Keanu was lined up for it I thought, what a huge miscasting error! oh no!

Though I must mention that I actually liked Hunchback very much (except for the odious "A Guy like you" number, which was horrid and I skip right over because it drags the movie into, well, a singing gargoyle hell). It has to be one of my favorite Disney movies. Thought it isn't the book, of course.

[virtual-gravy.livejournal.com]

Ok... I am usually a Movie Snob, but when I saw this movie I kind of liked it. It was a dark action movie.... Then I just read your post and laughed my ass off. I have no idea why all of these details escaped me in this movie, but good points all of them.

I was in Branson when I saw it though... That would probably explain it. Everything looks better there in relation to it's shows. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed the entry. :) There were moments I enjoyed...especially Lucifer and Gabriel...but mostly I'd rather not watch it again.

I'm still worried about the cat, too.

[luvboromir24601.livejournal.com]

(seriously. Did anyone actually read the book before pitching the idea as a musical cartoon? Fucking singing gargoyles. gag. Don't get me started.)

I want to know how someone decided that book would be a good Disney movie. Oh wait - I guess when you bastardize the plot it might be an okay Disney movie. :D (Sorry valis2 - you can smack me for that if you want, since this is your journal and all.) ;) I haven't seen that movie in ages. I adore the book though. I was reading it again yesterday, actually. What bothers me the most is the way Disney made Frollo Justice of the Peace or whatever the fuck he was instead of him being the Archdeacon. Didn't they put some nice fat guy in as the Archdeacon instead? Ugh. NONONO!

Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a movie version of Hunchback that ends the way the book does. I've seen movies where Phoebus and Esmeralda get married and at least one where Gringoire and Esmeralda hook up. Esmeralda's mother is never in the movies either, and I love her part. The ending is tragic times ten with her in the picture. Perhaps I should make my movie Hunchback movie and make it canonically correct.

I read the book before I saw the Disney movie so I just can't enjoy it. >_<

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Like cruisedirector says, the Disney movies inhabit a separate vacuum from their source material, and I usually just treat them like an entirely separate piece of work. On that basis, I like Hunchback a lot.

No smacking, my dear! I'm just happy to see you online, dahling. ;)

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

Well, I agree with a lot of your points on the movie. I really, truly do. And it would have been a lot better if Keanu Reeves could act. But despite all that? I truly enjoyed watching the film. It's not the best movie ever, but I liked it. I had fun watching it. But then, I like most movies. However, only a few standout as exceptional. Constantine wasn't exceptional, but it was a fun watch.

I was, however, disappointed by the unremarkable and monstrous son of Satan. I thought your Gavin guy would have done that part better, because isn't the anti-Christ supposed be charming and normal-looking? And why did they have to kill the sidekick? I hate that, it's so cliche.

And my favorite Lucifer ever is Viggo Mortensen's portrayal in The Prophecy (which is an exceptional film).

[rickfan37.livejournal.com]

You noticed an awful ot. I just fell asleep half way through. Not even the eye candy known as KC Reeves could keep me awake, and I had a nine year crush on him.
It is THAT dreadful. :/

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I thought your Gavin guy would have done that part better, because isn't the anti-Christ supposed be charming and normal-looking?

Yeah, exactly! Gavin was so completely wasted in the part. Well, most of the people were wasted.

I'm glad that someone enjoyed it! That's wonderful. I did enjoy the end, so much so that I watched it twice. I loved Lucifer. And Gabriel was really fascinating too. They made it more worthwhile.

Yes, it's bizarre that they killed Chas, especially considering that he's a constant theme in the series, and he's actually either John's age or older and has a family.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Yes, dreadful is a good word, though it's too bad that you missed the ending, where Lucifer makes an appearance, because he saved it from being just a complete thumbs-down for me.

It was so silly. And it's too bad...the source material is terrific!

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

I liked parts of the movie, but only because I never read the comics. So to me it was rather fascinating. (Sorry, Valis!)

However, now I'm married to a man who reads Hellblazer and Constantine regularly...and I have access...damn...I'm now more disappointed than ever in it (the movie).

I really loved Lucifer and Gabriel was interesting (but ultimately annoyed me and I guessed really early on - like at that conversation at the fireplace scene - that he/she was involved up to her/his proverbial armpits. The twin thing and catholic dogma being warped really annoyed me, and do NOT get me started on Keanu (who can't act out of a paper bag if his life depended on in...which will only lead me to rant about his role in Much Ado About Nothing).

Someone mentioned below that James Marsters would be a good Constantine...shit yah! He rocks in that kind of role, and has the grittiness and attitude to pull it off well (and if he isn't cast as Gambit at some point for an X Men movie I'll cry...)

As for the bugs...I hate bugs...that scene freaked me out but only cuz I can't stand them...and is something out of my nightmares. But can see how without that blinker...it'd be totally cheesey.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

The thing that really gets me more than anything re: Hunchback, is the characters in the book are all not good people. They are all selfish, which is why they all die in the end. Even Quazimoto, his love for Esmeralda was a fairly selfish love. None of them acted for anyone else.

And the thing that really bugged me about the movie was Phoebus was a good guy. He bloody wasn't. He was a lecherous cad who was going to sleep with Esmerelda and had no intention of marrying her ever, and when she was accused of attacking him, he didn't defend her at all.

Sorry. Just really bugs me.

That being said I saw a play once that was a parody of Hunchback and it was hysterical. Towards the end the actors all decide the story is depressing and this plot fairy comes along and then everyone acts backwards for a moment, and then they give it an outragously happy ending. Totally brilliant. It was one of those audience interacting type plays.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yeah, well, Disney has to adhere to the Hays code. ;) You know how they are! They got into such trouble over the "Hellfire" song as it was. I just pretend the book doesn't exist and then I try to enjoy the movie, though things pop up.

Things like Frollo's twenty year old horse. *giggles*

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

This is so weird...I couldn't find this comment at first. Glad I see it now!

Anyway, James so would have been fab in the part. He has the 'tude to spare! And don't apologize for enjoying it...reviews are all pretty personal, this is my reaction, and I had gone in knowing that it probably wasn't going to be my cup of tea with Keanu in it.

Gambit? Wow...*is intrigued*

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Well that's just a personal preference and casting. God knows what they got cooked up for future X-Men movies...but that's just a thought I had.

Plus, me likes my raj'n cajun! :D

Yeah...avoid Keanu...he of the monotone and blank face...and I still keep expecting him to say, "Dude!!!"

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yet another thing we have in common...I lurve me a Gambit, I do. :)

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Heh...he's always been my favourite. Even splurged and got me the first X-Men comic that he was in. :D

[bat-git.livejournal.com]

Yes, I liked it and I bought it (but I'm a sucker for bad "horror/action/occult" stuff). They did include Ellie (the half-breed that John does the nasty with) in the special features, but of course she was some hot-ass model/actress type that just acted like a stuck up bee-otch.

I'm with you on "Lou". I wanted to see the rest of that tattoo *perv*.

As far as occult movies go, I liked "Stigmata" much better, heck, I loved "Hellboy".

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I totally forgot to watch the deleted scenes!

Oh well.

I liked Hellboy too, that one was more fun.

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

LOL! I just finished complaining about this movie in my journal! So so agree with you, love.

What I was left wondering about hell was why the hell is it so windy down there? I mean, this should be the place of fire and brimstone, right? Wouldn't all that wind only blow out the pretty flames?

Must add a positive comment in my own post ragarding Gavin and Peter, though. The only good things in that piece of crap.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Plus I think Milton and Dante both describe Hell as being pitch black. There was just no sense of unhappiness, no sense that it might not be that great a place to visit. It did not achieve what it should have achieved, i.e., a nasty awful place that Izzy shouldn't have been in.

*rushes off to read your comments*

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

Yeah, rather light it was, for hell. And those skeleton thingies were a bit too videogame-y for my taste. Nothing scary about a bunch of Gollum wanna-bes.

And I didn't so much comment as bitch pretty incoherently and without much point. Honestly, your list pretty much said all I should've said. Apart from the cats, as I know nothing of them:)

[luvboromir24601.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :)

I need to keep that in mind while talking about Disney movies. I guess I just get wanky with Disney Hunchback because I'm such a fucking bad book-canon purist type and because it is one of my favorite books.