Have seen Constantine, and must rant. Spoilers for said movie in this entry. There's your warning.

[valis2]

Last night I watched the dreadful (or nearly entirely dreadful) Constantine.

The valis bullet list review...


• The hospital has security cameras on the roof. Uh, why? Even more insane, they are recording audio. WHAT? Why? First, it's not exactly legal, and second, you'd only hear the wind howling. How many mics would they have, anyway? They'd have to have one right next to the swandiving twin to pick up her whispered word.


• "Papa Midnight is a crusader for good. He swore the oath of neutrality." Yeah, I know what they mean, but I cracked up seriously when I heard that.


• It's so easy to get into Hell these days; you just need a bowl of water and a cat. Sing Sing's electric chair will do in a pinch.


• The guy who gets the Spear of Destiny walks for a looong time before he thinks of hitching a ride.


• Gavin from Bush is in this movie. I have this thing about Gavin. He has to be one of the hottest men ever (at least to me). I can't look at him too long or my retinas will melt. I try not to think about him at all because I know I'll get obsessed. So I was so excited about seeing him here. He did this video a while ago where he was an angel, and it was one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen, and I thought, oh, I hope he acts at some point, because wow, the looks on his face, and the whole angel thing, and the...oh wow. But he's a half-demon in this movie instead, and I was really unhappy that he didn't get much screen time, and much of it was pointless. And then, pointless gooey death of boredom.


• I'm so sick of "Stay in the car!" and then they don't. Nobody listens. And Angela was so wearing the necklace and then took it off. Can we say "meaningless tension"?


• The maggot demon that attacks John in the street reminded me so much of Boogie from Nightmare Before Christmas. I kept saying "My buggggs! Myyy buuuugggs!" until my friend hit me.


• In Papa Midnight's bar everybody has to show all these freaky abilities in the obligatory walk-through-the-nightclub sequence. Someone is either turning water to wine or to blood, and I just couldn't help but think, her friends are probably insanely bored by this, isn't that an oooold trick?


• At one point my friend said, "Let's just turn it off!" I whined, "But I want to see Gavin in tight pants!" and my friend replied, "All you're going to see him in is prosthetic makeup, exploding." Wah. Exactly what happened.


• "[Water] lubricates the transition from one plane to another." *cries*


• I *loved* Lucifer. He was the best part of the entire movie. I even watched that entire sequence again. The little tics, the filthy, steaming feet, the "Fine! Done." bit, oh, he made it almost worthwhile.


• What the hell was up with Keanu's delivery? He was speaking slowly, ponderously, in a really weird deep register, and it was horrible. My skin was crawling through much of the beginning.


• I've read a little of Hellblazer, and it has almost nothing at all to do with this movie. Poor Alan. First, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (my recap), and now this. V is for Vendetta and the Watchmen are in development right now, and he's probably ready to jump off a roof after Isabel.


• The cat in the movie is a Russian Blue (I think), and I love cats, and that is the kind of cat I would want, and what a sweet little cat! I loved the cat. And then Angela opens the door and the cat runs right out of the apartment! I was so angry that we didn't get a "Come back in, sweet Duck, here's a treat, aw, you want some snuggles?" scene. In my mind the cat is still out in the hallway, in danger, and it's bothersome. Actually, I wouldn't have minded just watching Rachel & Keanu snuggle with the cat for an hour. It would have been better than this ridiculous piece of trash. Yeah, an hour of snuggling the cat, and then Lucifer shows up. (And yes, I almost typed Lucius there.)


• ETA: junediamanti reminded me of how poorly they portrayed Hell. I agree with her, it does look like an abandoned car lot. On fire. It was stupid. There was no sense of...well, the enormity of it, and the personal of it, where it's huge and vast and yet happening to just this one person and...oh, forget it. It was just awful!

Comments

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Well that's just a personal preference and casting. God knows what they got cooked up for future X-Men movies...but that's just a thought I had.

Plus, me likes my raj'n cajun! :D

Yeah...avoid Keanu...he of the monotone and blank face...and I still keep expecting him to say, "Dude!!!"

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yet another thing we have in common...I lurve me a Gambit, I do. :)

Re: You're like...tootally Lucifer dude!

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Heh...he's always been my favourite. Even splurged and got me the first X-Men comic that he was in. :D