TV Guide Horror

[valis2]

RACE DOWN THE TRACKS ON THE DALE EARNHARDT INTIMIDATOR EXPRESS!







He was known by many names. The Man in Black. The Intimidator. He was never afraid to drop the hammer and trade paint with the other drivers if it meant victory for his team or himself. He was Dale Earnhardt. One of the greatest drivers in NASCAR history. In honor of this racing legend, Hawthorne Village is proud to introduce the Dale Earnhardt Intimidator Express. This sleek, classic electric train has the look of a true champion. Each car is richly emblazoned with the art of acclaimed motorsports artist Sam Bass featuring the classic paint schemes of Earnhardt's cars and Dale Earnhardt's official signature logo! An electric train with impeccably authentic details, it will have you watching in pride as it races around the track for another Victory Lap.

Each car is richly embellished with the artwork of famed motorsports artist Sam Bass.

Begin with the diesel locomotive. With its precision detailing and dramatic Dale Earnhardt artwork--fully authorized by Dale Earnhardt Inc. and NASCAR--the heriloom-quality diesel locomotive looks incredible and can be yours for three easy payments of just $23.31*. Soon, you can look forward to adding coordinating Dale Earnhardt Intimidator Express passenger cars at the same attractive price--and FREE nickel silver tracks and power-pack--sent every other month. You can cancel at any time simply by notifying us. You need send no money now. Just complete and mail the postage-paid card today.

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I'm not certain I have to say anything, really. This horror speaks for itself.

The very idea that anyone could equate the placid, track-based nature of a train with NASCAR makes me laugh, first of all.

Secondly, that any Dale Earnhardt decal slapped on a toy train could be called "richly embellished" is the very sort of observation that could involve men in white coats at some point in the future.

Thirdly, the concept of continuing the horror by purchasing additional cars--allowing it to grow and unfurl itself into a true mammoth statement of horror--is best left for those who have left reality far behind (say, on Pluto) and are entertaining themselves solely with baking cactus fritters in the shape of Don Ho's head.

Fourthly, how large is the field of "motorsports artist," honestly, and what does one have to do to become "famed"?

Fifthly, what could they possibly mean by an electric train with impeccably authentic details? Are there unauthentic toy trains out there somewhere? Toy trains with wheels of limburger cheese instead of steel?

Sixthly, I love how this is a four-page ad in TV guide, and there are only three images, yet they had to duplicate one of them. Apparently they're afraid that their target audience might not grasp the concept of purchasing additional cars, and they're afraid of receiving letters like this:

Deer mean place,

I got the train, but there wus only one piece. Where arr the uther cars. I want my money back so I can buy mor caktus.

Ugh,

Racing Fan (3 rulez!!!!!)

Seventhly, let's just analyze this line: it will have you watching in pride as it races around the track for another Victory Lap.

I will give you a moment to let that sink in.

Could there seriously be someone out there for whom this is entertainment? Isn't the whole point of racing the idea that a driver might not make it to the finish? How on Earth could anyone feel victorious about a train coming around again? It's on tracks. It doesn't really have much of a choice, now, does it? I mean, I suppose you could keep switching the power on and off again to try to ratchet the tension up a notch, but still, at some point it will eventually make its way back. Perhaps this game is exciting for those of us who enjoy drawing with crayons, but to the rest of us, it's a rather bleak existential concept, at best.

Eighthly, anyone who gets excited over the phrase heirloom-quality diesel actually deserves this horror.

Comments

[valis2.livejournal.com]

The pizza-n-deodorant combo is what surprised me.