Feeling low

[valis2]

I'm just so sad today. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother at the rehab facility she's in right now. It's awful, because I look around and see so many elderly people in the last stages of life--unaware, slack-faced, mumbling, and I know my grandmother isn't really close to that yet, and she's trapped there, away from her beloved birds and her "treasures". It was terrible to leave her there. It felt terrible. It still feels terrible, to know that she's away from her cocoon, in an unfamiliar place with no feeling of home at all.

As awful a human being she is, as underhandedly nasty as she is, as angelic as she seems while the devil lurks underneath--I still care about her and wish that her life right now could be different. Her physical health is pretty good, except for the cracked pelvis which landed her in the hospital and now the rehab facility.

When she's done with the rehab she's going to an apartment. Assisted living. I know we'll be able to put some of her "treasures" there and try to make her comfortable, but I'm still so sad about this. Sad and yet not sad. She made her life into what it is today, and while you can say she has to lie in the bed she made, at the same time you know the bed is full of suffering.

I'm so conflicted about all of this.

Thank goodness I have wonderful friends coming over tomorrow. I'm just so cheerless right now and the inevitability of mental degeneration looms like a spectre over everything. My parents are going out of their minds trying to deal with this, and I wish they didn't have to deal with such a difficult situation.

I am seriously tired from a long week of crazy and I have a headache and I'm feeling stretched too thin. And I know that when I get in bed that, even as incredibly worn-out as I am right now, I will not be able to fall asleep.

(Am just venting. No need for hugs or stuff. Just knowing that a few of you are listening makes me feel better, and less selfish and stuff.)

Comments

[artystone.livejournal.com]

You are a very sweet and caring person. It's really hard to feel angry at someone who finds themselves like your g'ma. I hope she recovers quickly and gets into a place where she can have her treasures around her.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

This sounds so tough! It's so hard to see our loved ones (even if they are cruel) age and lose their energy and faculties. I think it's one of the hardest things we have to deal with in life.

My thoughts really are with you right now. I know I wouldn't be able to stay angry with her either, and I think that's fine. I hope that she gets well enough to have a place that's somewhat her own in the future. Even having some of her things and treasures around her will be better.

[marginaliana]

I'm going to send you hugs anyway, because I just want to.

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

There's something very depressing about seeing family members in hospital. It's hard for me seeing strangers in that state when I'm working as a nurse, I'm too soft sometimes. Your feelings are understandable. I'm sorry your grandmother is not how you 'd like her to have been.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks. I would say that I'm emo, honestly. ;)

I just hope she doesn't break her pelvis entirely; that's a real possibility. While she was "taking care of herself" she ended up not taking any medications and sliding into a black hole. She was pretty messed up by the time my parents figured out what had happened--she fell out of her (extremely high) bed and that's what probably injured her.

Her hallucinations were pretty bad. At this point, they are giving her medication and keeping her fed (to the best of their abilities), and that has definitely made a huge improvement.

I just hope that the assisted living situation is forgiving about the birds. She cherishes them deeply (heh, more than any person in her life, of course) and she misses them terribly.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I do hope that she can retain some quality of life. I really do. I shudder thinking of her at that home with some of her faculties still intact--it's terribly sad.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Thanks, sweetie. *hugs in return*

[tjwritter.livejournal.com]

I'm here...and I'm listening...and I'll even offer cyber hugs as it is all I am good for...but know that you are not alone!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I work with nurses at my day job, and I always wonder how one can take on a vocation like that--one that requires you to have so much compassion, yet have to deal with people at their lowest. It must be rough.

My grandma is showing signs of improvement--I just hope that she can deal with the assisted living situation. She's so consumed with her house and her "treasures" that it's rather difficult to even present her with this. Even worse to tell her it's not a choice--her house is just impossible for her to deal with now. The bedroom--and both full bathrooms--are on the upper floor, and there's no way that she can walk up the stairs with the injury. Her laundry machines are in the basement. The house is very dusty, despite cleanings, especially due to the birds.

Thanks for your kind words!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Thanks so much! I appreciate it. I feel better, honestly.

[iamrighthere.livejournal.com]

No one enjoys seeing a family member in a rehab center or nursing home. You are very conflicted in your feelings for your grandmom, but that's understandable because she isn't in a good situation. No matter how angry you might be, you still want her to be comfortable. Shows how deep your capacity to care goes! Assisted living sounds like a good solution because they will see that g'ma takes her meds and eats right and maybe even socializes with other humans.

[imafarmgirl.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Always a need for hugs.

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

It's not always easy-for me. Some people make it hard to care for them, others are in your thoughts long after work is over because they are so wonderful despite their illness, and then there are those special few who I don't want to see ever again. It's very hard within the profession to tell your manager that you don't want to care for someone. Some are creepy and manipulative and nasty. There have been less than five in my more than 30 years of nursing, but they linger in my brain. ugh I need to read some p0rn to get it clear.

Your grandmother is clinging to her life, her independence, her identity. It's a dreadful thing to become dependent. With time she will learn to cope. At least her house isn't filthy or overcluttered.

I see a lot of elderly in their homes and some it's appalling, nothing thrown out for years, having to tiptoe thru piles of stuff, no clear surfaces. One poor man owned his own home, but had little cash. He desperately needed his remaining teeth removed so he would be able to have his hips replaced- risks for anesthesia and infection.
Dental work is not covered in our universal health system. It seems that teeth and eyes are not part of the human body (grins widely- obviously the dentists were clever and have been able to control their own earnings.

Well anyways- this poor man was bent over, his house was soooooo filthy, the fridge door had layers of dirt you couldnt imagine, and the rest was worse. I passed it the other day and a sold sign outside, a large dumpster outside overflowing. I don't believe there was anything that could be saved from that house. I gather the man has been moved to long term care, at least I hope so.

I suppose your grandmother will do well in time, be supportive but don't let her guilt you out.

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* It's not being 'selfish' needing to talk about a difficult situation with others - it's being human.

Rehab centers, assisted living... Unfortunate but necessary realities when an older person no longer possesses the health to live independently. The fact that she's not the nicest of people yet you still wish she was facing a 'better' solution shows how compassionate a person you are.

You said you're feeling guilty about your grandmother being separated from her 'cocoon' but... what other practical option was there? Let her stay at her house were she could not/would not be able to care for herself? Let me tell you from personal experience that's not a solution - either you'd go nuts always fretting over whether she had gotten hurt and was laying on the floor incapacitated OR she'd drive you and your relatives nuts with her demands to be rescued every time she got into a situation where she couldn't physically handle any longer.

No, it's not nice being in a rehab center, but if your grandmother still has her mental faculties then she still has the ability to make choices and take responsiblity for her actions - and the most mature action she can take is to chose to co-operate with her rehab team and work on her recovery so she can move out of there and into assisted living as rapidly as possible.

[jaelle-n-gilla.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry you feel like that.
Things like that make me think about old age. Three of my grandparents died in hospitals, but at least there were people around they knew. Only one died at home in his sleep. My parents are far away. Where will they end up? And me? I don't even have children.
It scares me, all of that. I wish our society had a better way of caring for their old, disabled, and kids, too, for that matter. *sighs*
I hope you have fun with your friends. Chase away the clouds!

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Why on earth do you feel selfish? *hugs*

I relate to your post a lot, in that it makes me think of my own feelings towards my grandmother who is advanced in senility now. It's hard. I feel really bad for my father.

[todayiamadaisy]

You're not selfish at all. It's so tough making decisions like that and watching people struggle.

Have a great day with your friends to take your mind off it. :-)

[josanpq.livejournal.com]

I sympathise. My mother still thinks I'm 12. Unless she wants something.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

That is much how I felt about my mother. Hope things perk for you.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My grandmother's home was terribly overcluttered. She has more bric-a-brac than any human being should possess. Also, she buys--and hoards--crazy things, like canned goods and Spray-n-Wash. She has at least six giant bottles of Spray-n-Wash, just to give you an idea.

My parents have been cleaning the house for ages. They've gotten rid of fourteen bags of canned goods that were expired, dented, and half-exploded, in some cases. Some of the cans were from the eighties.

She was keeping up with the cleaning for awhile--but just finally couldn't do it anymore. My parents have cleaned occasionally, but it just isn't enough. And they don't live down here anymore.

They've done so much work, but there's so much more to do. Everywhere you look there is clutter. Everywhere you look there are tiny little things. One table has sixty teeny frogs and geese inside of it, and it's only about 14" square. And it has five rose figurines on top of it. Everything is stuffed full of tiny horrible knick-knacks.

My grandmother is an angel to strangers, and a demon to family. I think she will be an okay patient for awhile, but eventually the demon will come out. I feel for the staff who has to care for her. She's already started the robbery accusations. She thinks that the people at the rehab facility have taken her money ($300, according to her) and her purse.

She was admitted with nothing but her clothing and a change purse containing five singles.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I really think that this will be the best situation for her--no more stairs! No more dust! And taking the pills and eating properly are the biggest issues. I mean, seriously--once you haven't eaten protein in a week, anyone would be loopy!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Thanks.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You said you're feeling guilty about your grandmother being separated from her 'cocoon' but... what other practical option was there? Let her stay at her house were she could not/would not be able to care for herself? Let me tell you from personal experience that's not a solution - either you'd go nuts always fretting over whether she had gotten hurt and was laying on the floor incapacitated OR she'd drive you and your relatives nuts with her demands to be rescued every time she got into a situation where she couldn't physically handle any longer.

She hides everything--she is getting paranoid and she's delusional at this point, and has been diagnosed with dementia. It's been pretty contained until recently, when she fell out of her bed in the middle of the night. My parents were coming to pick her up and take her to a new doctor, one who specializes in geriatric patients and who would be able to deal with her situation (her original doctor never caught on to her delusions! Seriously, we were going crazy about it--she had that doctor CONVINCED that she was totally in her right mind). As they were driving to the house, they were called by a neighbor because the driveway was full of police cars, an EMS truck, and a fire truck. She told the police that she had been robbed and beaten up--I'm sure she had no idea that she fell out of bed. She is fixated on robberies.

At this point she's called the police three times. You're right--she has no ability to care for herself at this point, and she's proven it completely.

She's acting very nice right now, because she wants to go back home, of course. When she realizes she's not, all hell is going to break loose. My parents are thinking of leaving her alone for the first week there--they feel she might come to terms better with it, because her passive-aggressiveness will make her behave nicely with the staff, perhaps.

She has never been mature, and cooperation is not in her vocabulary, so I cringe to think of where this is going. Time and time again my mother has presented her with the idea of moving into a smaller home or apartment (seriously, for ten years, ever since my grandmother's second husband died), and time and time again she's played along, only to later act like no conversation ever occurred. She says whatever she can to make you think she's listening and going her way, but privately, she only goes her own way.

Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate your comments so very much. *hugs* I miss you!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My other set of grandparents passed away soon after they were diagnosed with troubles--but they were in poor physical health. My grandmother is in great physical health, except for her poor diet and the dementia--she could live for a long, long time, which is very sad, because the idea of living without your mind is a terrible thing.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I feel selfish because of a great many reasons--laying this burden onto everyone else and whining about it is human, but it's also selfish. Every one of my flisters has her/his own set of problems too, y'know?

I'm just trying to deal with this the only way I know--talking about it. At the same time, I'm aware that this is only a drop in an ocean of suffering.

*hugs back*

I feel terrible for my mother, too. It's her mom, and it's been super rough for her.