TV Guide Horror #2

[valis2]

Oh, you cannot miss this.


---
Bring some tail-wagging fun to your holidays with one of America's most lovable dogs. Presenting The First Annual Sheltie Christmas Ornament...Santa's Helper, a superbly detailed, fine porcelain ornament available exclusively from the Danbury Mint.
A limited-edition treasure.
This adorable Sheltie is all set to help Santa deliver his presents right to your tree! The "Merry Christmas" banner and runners of the sleigh are accented with 23kt gold, and the year 2005 appears on the front of the sleigh. Production of this exquisite hand-painted ornament is strictly limited and will end forever by December 31, 2005. By purchasing this first annual Sheltie ornament, you will be ensured of the opportunity to acquire the complete collection.
---

I haven't set up a tree in awhile, but if I did, and some random dog on a sled appeared, I'd either a) bring out the shotgun from under the bed, or b) check the water supply for hallucinogens.

Why 23 karat gold? Why not 24? They must have done some market research that showed consumers made no differentiation between the two, and they found they could save 50¢ per ornament.

I love how the last line makes it sound like such an honor that they'll have the chance to sell endless hideous dog-in-sled items to you, should you indulge in this porcelain nightmare. I'm certain that, should you prove yourself soft-headed enough to purchase a horrible Sheltie ornament, you will receive mail and/or phone entreaties to purchase frightening canine sledding trinkets for the rest of your life. They'll call up your next-of-kin after you pass away. You'll be swamped in ornaments. When people open the front door they'll start pouring out. And they'll find you, crying under the sink, clutching the ornament to your chest as you sob, "This was the beginning, this was the first, this was the dark sucking hole of dog-in-sled misery, I'll never have flapjacks again."

#1

Comments

[b2wm.livejournal.com]

Now, when I was a little kid, my aunts used get my brothers and me ornaments with the dates on them and such, but I think we've got enough without getting a complete set of dogs. And the plastic ones are so much easier to deal with than porcelain, for the same level of tackiness. If I want something breakable to put on the tree, I've got my grandma's little glass egg-things.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You don't want a complete set of dogs?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!

Shhh, shhh, little ornament, don't let the Warg Mistress frighten you, it's going to be okay...*rocks*

[julian-black.livejournal.com]

And they'll find you, crying under the sink, clutching the ornament to your chest as you sob, "This was the beginning, this was the first, this was the dark sucking hole of dog-in-sled misery, I'll never have flapjacks again."

[frightens the cats, laughing]

You know, it's things like this that make me almost sorry that I no longer take the Sunday paper. Parade magazine is a goldmine for kitschy, mass-produced "collectible" tchotchkes like this.

I know I'm weird, but the font on the banner really bugs me. I'm about 90% sure it's Book Antiqua Bold. Now, Book Antiqua is a nice enough font for documents, but when the glaze decal on a "collectible" item is in a font that came standard on Word 97--well, hell--it might as well be in Comic Sans...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Parade magazine is a goldmine for kitschy, mass-produced "collectible" tchotchkes like this.

Oh, yes! I don't get that either, so TV guide will have to do.

It is interesting how similarly they format all of these collectible ads. Even the ones for Nightmare Before Christmas. It's like they're afraid that if they stray from the establlished format the little old ladies will rise up against them.

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

The first annual Sheltie ornament. Wow. Excuse me whilst I race to the phone to buy it.

[snapesforte.livejournal.com]

Limited Edition = Limited for Lack-wits For the special few.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

I feel like buying that and naming him "Kinkaid".

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Don't trip, now, and practice safe dialing. You don't want to end up calling the wrong collectible hotline and receiving a Luminous Handcrafted Lemming Fork.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

ahaha! Oh yes, very special. *laughs again*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I misread it and thought you wrote "burying that", and had a few moments where I pictured you in the backyard with a shovel, a few Sheltie ornaments and a bottle of brandy...

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

That works too.

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

o_O

[valis2.livejournal.com]

My reaction entirely.

[gina-r-snape.livejournal.com]

Oh my. first annual! Arent' they optimistic? (Or did they just make so damn many it'll take 'em 10 years to get rid of 'em all?)

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Oh, Lord. I can just picture someone's least favourite aunt buying this thing and giving it to them, making such a big deal of it that they'll be forced to put it under their tree. And then the aunt will give them one every year, under the misapprehension that they love it.

Can anyone spell T-A-C-K-Y?

[todayiamadaisy]

Because nothing says Christmas like Lassie!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

"This is the second annual hideous sheltie ornament. Note it's fine design---"

"It says 2005 on it. This is 2006."

"Er, that's just a sign of quality workmanship. We've been working on them for over a year, you see..."

[valis2.livejournal.com]

And it comes with a "Gift Box"! A perfect present for any age! Little Timmy will looove his Sheltie Ornament. He won't attach a firecracker to it, oh no!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Hahaha!! Too true!

[pen-and-umbra.livejournal.com]

I was never exposed to the horrors of American Christmas ornaments until I, well, visited California in the Holidays. Oi. Now, granted, my friends hang halves of USS Enterprise and Borg cubes on their trees, which is way better than this, but still. I could mash someone's head in with the Sheltie!

... wow. That's ugly. And it comes in a gift box. But at least they alleviate the shared misery by saying the production will end forever at the end of this year. Good thing, too -- the underpaid illegal immigrant workers who are forced to paint the monstrosities would go blind if it went on much beyond that. *nods*

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

You know, I can just picture Umbridge squeling in delight at the sight of this, and ordering in the spot.

[aramintasnape.livejournal.com]

Oooh, must buy, must buy! What a lovely present it would make. I think I'll get several ;))

[absurdwords.livejournal.com]

My eyes! *weeps*

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I wonder if Eeky would like an ornament with a dog on it? so he can break it

Maybe if you bred Shelties or something...

[zakkati.livejournal.com]

For the love of Edoras! That's vile.

How many convenient monthly installments does it take to own that little gem? *shudder*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

the underpaid illegal immigrant workers who are forced to paint the monstrosities would go blind if it went on much beyond that.

Oh, we just get the Kinkaid villagers to paint them. Saves on labor. *grins*

Though I have a feeling that the workers who paint these gruesome porcelain nightmares just end up going on to the next hideous piece, with never a break...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Your gift list will gather together as an unruly mob in front of your house with torches and pitchforks!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I would hope that even Shelties owners would give the thing a wide berth.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh no, I've thrown the card away, and now I have no idea! The installments were $19.95 each, I think, but now I can't remember.

[aramintasnape.livejournal.com]

LOL! I wouldn't blame them!

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Heh! You said "Kinkaid"!