Fie on emotions
Mar. 27th, 2008 10:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2I've been on an even keel for awhile now, happily moving forward, but now I find that I'm back in a very flat sea. I'm feeling very unhappy about everything, and it probably stems from a small issue at work that I took to heart, as I always did.
Believe me, I tried so VERY hard not to. I really did. Unfortunately, it continued past the shake-it-off stage. I have been trying to shake it off all day (and all last night), but somehow I feel like a little child who's done something wrong, and at the same time I feel like I didn't do anything wrong and I am being misunderstood. And it's such a small issue, indeed.
The problem is--perfectionism, hypersensitivity, overreacting, and magnification. I have so little stress at my day job that it's ridiculous. Seriously. So my rational brain wants to simply discard it as, well, the tiny thing that it is, and continue forward.
Unfortunately, I've regressed back into my old habits re: work at home. I accomplished very little. And very little over Easter weekend. And now I'm starting to feel the scary dread panic rising. It's very frustrating that I have many things to do--and a lot of them involve the computer, damnit--and yet I just sit here and refresh my flist, or play Battle for Middle Earth.
When I come back from trips, I'm motivated, I'm focused, I get things done. But the longer I stay home, the more I goof off. I do the things which must be done, but not much more. I always have clean clothes and the eBay listings go up; but the eBay listings are never improved, I never work out a nice HTML background/frame, I never get around to finishing my policy writeup...you get the picture. And today I had several things I could have done to make it easier for me in the coming month, and I didn't do any of them.
I'm just crashing, and the little work issue is a straw of sorts on top of the straws I've already piled. What I hate is that it fuels itself. I'll be home all day tomorrow, and I will loaf, while hating that I'm loafing, and yet loving the loafing. My list journal has been completely neglected and I'm back to square one, which means making lists when I'm not home. Which is counterproductive. I need to make lists and revise lists while I'm home.
I just feel blue. And it's so silly. I'm alive, after all, and I have many things to be happy about. But I just have these moments where I'm very much wah.
Thank goodness I can share it with you, flist. Just putting it into words helps.
Believe me, I tried so VERY hard not to. I really did. Unfortunately, it continued past the shake-it-off stage. I have been trying to shake it off all day (and all last night), but somehow I feel like a little child who's done something wrong, and at the same time I feel like I didn't do anything wrong and I am being misunderstood. And it's such a small issue, indeed.
The problem is--perfectionism, hypersensitivity, overreacting, and magnification. I have so little stress at my day job that it's ridiculous. Seriously. So my rational brain wants to simply discard it as, well, the tiny thing that it is, and continue forward.
Unfortunately, I've regressed back into my old habits re: work at home. I accomplished very little. And very little over Easter weekend. And now I'm starting to feel the scary dread panic rising. It's very frustrating that I have many things to do--and a lot of them involve the computer, damnit--and yet I just sit here and refresh my flist, or play Battle for Middle Earth.
When I come back from trips, I'm motivated, I'm focused, I get things done. But the longer I stay home, the more I goof off. I do the things which must be done, but not much more. I always have clean clothes and the eBay listings go up; but the eBay listings are never improved, I never work out a nice HTML background/frame, I never get around to finishing my policy writeup...you get the picture. And today I had several things I could have done to make it easier for me in the coming month, and I didn't do any of them.
I'm just crashing, and the little work issue is a straw of sorts on top of the straws I've already piled. What I hate is that it fuels itself. I'll be home all day tomorrow, and I will loaf, while hating that I'm loafing, and yet loving the loafing. My list journal has been completely neglected and I'm back to square one, which means making lists when I'm not home. Which is counterproductive. I need to make lists and revise lists while I'm home.
I just feel blue. And it's so silly. I'm alive, after all, and I have many things to be happy about. But I just have these moments where I'm very much wah.
Thank goodness I can share it with you, flist. Just putting it into words helps.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-28 03:16 am (UTC)I'm taking three days off next week, in addition to the weekend, because last weeks 4 day weekend went so spectacularly well... I had a list of things to do and didn't do a damn thing.
The plan is to actually do all of it this weekend... I've actually bribed the brat with something he wants as long as it gets done, so I know he'll nag me until we do it (re-arranging the livingroom so he can have his computer back, then pulling down his loft bed and setting up a tradition twin in his room, followed by scrubbing the bathroom and the kitchen, and then finally finishing my bedroom). Here's to actually doing it... instead of feeling blah and playing runescape instead.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-28 03:18 pm (UTC)I think that I'm just totally a procrastinator. I have to figure out how to fix this cycle. Or at least adjust to it somehow so I can still get things done.