Fie on emotions

[valis2]

I've been on an even keel for awhile now, happily moving forward, but now I find that I'm back in a very flat sea. I'm feeling very unhappy about everything, and it probably stems from a small issue at work that I took to heart, as I always did.

Believe me, I tried so VERY hard not to. I really did. Unfortunately, it continued past the shake-it-off stage. I have been trying to shake it off all day (and all last night), but somehow I feel like a little child who's done something wrong, and at the same time I feel like I didn't do anything wrong and I am being misunderstood. And it's such a small issue, indeed.

The problem is--perfectionism, hypersensitivity, overreacting, and magnification. I have so little stress at my day job that it's ridiculous. Seriously. So my rational brain wants to simply discard it as, well, the tiny thing that it is, and continue forward.

Unfortunately, I've regressed back into my old habits re: work at home. I accomplished very little. And very little over Easter weekend. And now I'm starting to feel the scary dread panic rising. It's very frustrating that I have many things to do--and a lot of them involve the computer, damnit--and yet I just sit here and refresh my flist, or play Battle for Middle Earth.

When I come back from trips, I'm motivated, I'm focused, I get things done. But the longer I stay home, the more I goof off. I do the things which must be done, but not much more. I always have clean clothes and the eBay listings go up; but the eBay listings are never improved, I never work out a nice HTML background/frame, I never get around to finishing my policy writeup...you get the picture. And today I had several things I could have done to make it easier for me in the coming month, and I didn't do any of them.

I'm just crashing, and the little work issue is a straw of sorts on top of the straws I've already piled. What I hate is that it fuels itself. I'll be home all day tomorrow, and I will loaf, while hating that I'm loafing, and yet loving the loafing. My list journal has been completely neglected and I'm back to square one, which means making lists when I'm not home. Which is counterproductive. I need to make lists and revise lists while I'm home.

I just feel blue. And it's so silly. I'm alive, after all, and I have many things to be happy about. But I just have these moments where I'm very much wah.

Thank goodness I can share it with you, flist. Just putting it into words helps.

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I can so sympathize with how you're feeling.

[tjwritter.livejournal.com]

I soooo know how you feel!! I've gone through that blah feeling for so long that now, I have no choice but to have about 100 projects knocking on my door demanding my attention!! It sucks ass, but atleast now I feel as if I'm getting things done...but I'd rather be reading my flist and every once and a while posting stuff...oh well...soon...

♥

[celisnebula.livejournal.com]

Trust me, I do understand.

I'm taking three days off next week, in addition to the weekend, because last weeks 4 day weekend went so spectacularly well... I had a list of things to do and didn't do a damn thing.

The plan is to actually do all of it this weekend... I've actually bribed the brat with something he wants as long as it gets done, so I know he'll nag me until we do it (re-arranging the livingroom so he can have his computer back, then pulling down his loft bed and setting up a tradition twin in his room, followed by scrubbing the bathroom and the kitchen, and then finally finishing my bedroom). Here's to actually doing it... instead of feeling blah and playing runescape instead.

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

I love LJ for getting things off my chest.

There has to be something you can sign up for that will send you email reminders of things to do. Maybe if it were in your face all day saying "DO IT" it might motivate you?

[tudorpot.livejournal.com]

commiserates- I'm having similar probs. refreshes friends page again

[todayiamadaisy]

I think there's a "blah" virus spreading through my f-list today. You're definitely not alone. (hugs)

I read a suggestion the other day that we should try to trick our brains. So instead of trying to make a list (or whatever) and having your brain rebel against the idea, say (out loud) that you're just getting the pen and paper out to work with later. Then say you're going to write down just one thing. And so on...

Then again, my "three things" list fell by the wayside while I was on holidays and I haven't started it again, so I'm in the same unmotivated boat as you right now. (There's a song about "the pirates who don't do anything"; they're probably in our unmotivated boat too.)

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

You're not alone - I have dishes in the sink that need washing, a dishwasher to be run, a bathroom to get picked up, the list is endless. But what am I doing? Beading and watching TV and checking the flist and Ebay. Plus, it's day 2 of my period and that = rawwrrr, leave me alone!
I really have to make a promise to get my shit together this weekend and clean/etc rather than do something fun.

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

When's the last time you had an actual vacation?

You do lots of traveling, you go to shows, you work outside the home, you work at home, you run your own business, you...

...don't seem to have any regular time scheduled each week for simply decompressing and R&R'ing. Maybe you need to declare one day per week to be an official 'day of rest'.

One of the problems I've found with have a cottage industry is the fact that even when I'm 'home' I'm still at 'work' - there's always more cloaks waiting to be sewn, more fabric to wash and cut, more scraps to sort, more... If I spend too many days in a row working then my level of accomplishment each day starts dropping - instead of finishing another project, I start goofing off. It's because, at least on a subconscious level, my inner child is trying to tell me that the work is starting to feel 'endless' and that I need a play break desperately.

Might some of your productivity problem be in a similar vein?

[iibnf.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should draw more floating cats. Post moar cats! They make everything better.

Also this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sUL0KCIc48

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

Well I know the feeling. I'm looking at some things on the chair opposite I should have put away six months ago after my birthday!I've loads of story writing I should do and emails I should catch up with but instead I play scrabble and browse my flist on LJ!

[jaelle-n-gilla.livejournal.com]

Awww, poor valis *hugs*
Sometimes it's just the weather, the full moon, or the monthly woman thing. Try treating yourself to something nice. Because you deserve it. For all the stuff you are going to do after that :-)

[(Anonymous)]

Working from home is very difficult. The avoidance thing is common, but do you think you might have a mild depression? You do handle a LOT of stress, might be something to consider talking to someone about.

[(Anonymous)]

OMG you are a jeenyus! More floating cats! More floating cats!

[artystone.livejournal.com]

That was me. And above too.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel! I like the idea of having one day each week of R&R, so you can feel as if you have some time off. Or taking a vacation just for yourself, if you can manage it.

Talking about it with people is good, too.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I had five days off over Easter weekend--and at least five major things that I wanted to do. I did accomplish a few minor things, but got no further in the major things, grumble. I just keep getting on the procrastination bus.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

It really makes me crazy sometimes. I feel like my to-do list is ginormous, and I so very badly want to make a dent in it, but then I'm either gone to another state or I'm just lounging. I am doing things, but they're not the right things, lol.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I had five days off and only did a few minor things. Certainly, they needed to be done, but they weren't really of consequence. I really needed to do a few of the major things on my list. The major things that just never seem to get done. It's so aggravating!

I think that I'm just totally a procrastinator. I have to figure out how to fix this cycle. Or at least adjust to it somehow so I can still get things done.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahah! I need someone named Guido here, threatening my kneecaps, lol.

And LJ is the best for working out my issues. The conversations that ensue are always helpful.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Yeah, the fpage is really handy for procrastination, isn't it?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I always have to trick my brain. Usually I have to promise it spaghetti. Even that doesn't work all of the time.

Oh noes--your three things list has receded? Oh, that's so sad--it was such a motivating thought, just thinking that someone was getting something done somewhere.

The unmotivated boat is a pretty cool place, which is why I don't want to leave it, apparently.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahha eBay!

Yeah, the period is ending today, which is another reason why I got nothing done at all last weekend. I was like a big lump behind the monitor.

omg your icon ROCKS!! ahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

When's the last time you had an actual vacation?

Hmm...last year in August, I think.

Maybe you need to declare one day per week to be an official 'day of rest'.

Wow. That really is a great idea.

*thinks and thinks*

If I spend too many days in a row working then my level of accomplishment each day starts dropping - instead of finishing another project, I start goofing off.

That is exactly what happens here, too. This is really good advice. Really good advice. And I think my inner child is doing the same thing--she wants to play! haha!

I'm going to start seeing if I can do that. Because my problem seems to be the guilt factor--just like you, there are always things to be done. And I'm to the point where I think that any time I spend doing nothing is a waste, and that I should be doing x, y, and z...it's a trap, honestly.

Thank you so much--you always have something so interesting and relevant to add. You really understand my lifestyle so well.

*giant hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Floating cats are awesome, aren't they?

Hilarious dog. If only we could bottle his energy...

(And you clicked on a cut...wow!)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Yes, I totally understand that. I have piles of stuff everywhere. Of course, part of my problem is that I've outgrown the apartment, and I really need more space, but the other part of this is that I like to pile things.

And don't get me started on the marathon Solitaire sessions...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Aw, thanks. I'm just having a low moment--I'm already starting to feel better, honestly. Website Friend is going to help me accomplish something tomorrow morning, so at least I'll have that under my belt.

*hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I have a bit of a roller coaster mentality--when things stack up, I get more upset than is warranted. And then a day later I'm fine. Like right now--I feel reasonably content.

It's interesting that you mention depression--both sides of my family suffer from it. And in some major ways, too. I'm lucky in some ways, such as that I have gone through some large personality changes in my life, which have helped stave off the depression (mostly)...otherwise I would be under heavy treatment right now.

*hugs*

And I'll get right on that floating cat request. hee!!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Most people do have weekends--I always forget about this. Most people have a day or two or at least part of a day where they can relax and read the paper or whatever.

When I do that, there is this nagging voice in the back of my skull saying, "Why aren't you doing x, y, or z?"

It's really hard to get the voice to shut up, y'know? But I'm going to try. :)

Talking about it definitely helps. Just hearing the suggestions and thoughts of the flist is fantastically helpful.

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I can only second that. Because I just have the same problem. My inner child and artist (I call her Miss Red) rebels and wants to play, but my inner perfectionist and workoholic (Miss Blue) insists on working, so I end up doing all kinds of stuff instead of that what is really important.

Over the last months I tried to establish what I call Days Without Date (DWD). Each day when I don't have an official appointment, I take some time off to do the things I want to do (like writing) and some time to do the things that are really important, but never get done because they don't scream into my face (like working on my vision and strategies). It worked, so far. But for the last month I simply had too many appointments and almost no time for the DWD. My next step should be to make room for a minimum number of DWD in each month, so that I even get time for the important stuff when I'm very busy.

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

And now I just found out this afternoon that there is a bead/gem show at the local fairgrounds today and the rest of the weekend and you JUST KNOW that that is where I am going to be at least a good portion of tomorrow.

Re: the icon. It cracks me up everytime I see it! I don't remember where I got it and I don't seem to have it credited to anyone. Odd, as I always try to credit the maker.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

That's a very good idea, and could be very helpful. I am still thinking that I'll have issues with guilt (I always do, lol) but it is definitely worth a try.

Thank you so much for the advice! *hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, have a great time at the show! Enjoy yourself!!

*giant hugs*

[todayiamadaisy]

I have to admit that I stopped doing my three things list largely because I ran out of cards to do it on, which is shameful, I know. I should have put "buy more cards" on the last list!

But I bought some more yesterday, so I am trying to get it back on track. :-)

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

I've a big Victorian house which I manage to clutter from attic to cellar!

[(Anonymous)]

My advice is to celebrate your victories and/or "minor" items that get accomplished. You do need a day to unwind, decompress, loaf around, etc. Stop beating yourself up about it and try not to get caught up in the list game. However, if you feel that you must have a list; add to the list "be nice to yourself" or similar positive items about your health and well being.

On the work note; ignore the princess. She is just being difficult, which is what she is good at. You should see the project she gave me about telephone calls - it is a hoot. I will share it with you when you return. Smooches.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Why, thank you, Anonymous Voice of Reason and Mental Health. ;)

*hugs*

[verdenia.livejournal.com]

Oof. Yeah, I've been in a hibernating place this winter...actually, part of why I've not been reading my flist for weeks is so that I can't procrastinate with it...
*HUGS*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks for the hugs! And glad you came out to see the sun. ;)