valis2 | Starsky & Hutch: Like a tractor, breathing for the *very* *first* *time*

valis2

"Y're brakin' my heart," Starsky sighed, suddenly feeling a lot older and heavier.

Might want to lay off the chili dogs, Starsk. Just sayin'.

[Starsky:] "Aw,c´mon, Hutch, you can´t be serious! This is not breakfast! It´s violence."

It's never explained what it is, except that it's green. I suppose that I should be happy, because at least I know now what color violence is.

Okay. This fic is so bad that I cannot even begin to figure out which part to cut and paste. Let's just leave it at this: one paragraph begins, absolutely inexplicably, with And the cheese stands alone. I've read that part three times and I can't understand a) who is the cheese, b) why it is standing there, and c) why it is alone.

[Starsky:] "You need to take a day off, buddy, for some RandR."

The man slung Hutch up against a large oak tree and lashed him to it. "Just gonna leave you hanging here boy and let the wolves take care of the rest." He snickered as he pulled out a piece of beef jerky or perhaps it was bear jerky and bit a hunk out of it.

Does it really matter which kind of jerky it was? And, as Hutch has a broken leg, an arrow wound to the shoulder, and multiple contusions (including a couple to the head) and a fever, does the author really think that it's probable that he would be contemplating the animal of origin for his kidnapper's dried meat treat?

But wait, there's more.

The felonious man decided he'd better incapacitate Hutch some more to be sure he stuck to that tree till the critters could come and take care of his dirty work...Before he could do any damage he was thudded to the ground with blind, soul invasive rage.

Just in case you couldn't figure it out, Starksy is the one who is thudding the felonious man to the ground.

[Starsky] pulled over t the side of the road, and the blind opened the door just in time to deposit more breakfast on the roadside verge.

The author means "blond."

Every fandom has its own peculiarities. In S&H, there's a whole genre devoted to having one of the boys kidnapped (Hutchnapped, hee!) and then have the other go nuts trying to find him. Even more amusing is the Hutch Moustache Removal Scene, which shows up in so many fics that I can't help but grin when I read it. It's even more impressive when the author sneaks it in there and it's a fun scene. I just read one that utterly surprised me, and I loved it tremendously.

"I found it, Hutch!" [Starsky] called over the screams. "Just another second!" He used the knife like a pinball flipper, and the shrapnel popped out.

Hutch's massive hand finally appeared grasping the edge of the ridge and hauling himself up onto safe ground.

"It's no use. Go." [Hutch] groped for a hold of Starsky, but more racking coughs dragged him down and he gasped when he hit the ground, jarring his side. "My wound!" He cried out.

When I was fourteen, I wrote a hilariously awful ninja fic (blumsmile can corroborate this). At one point in the story, an injured character shows up at his girlfriend's door, and she opens the door and says, "You are wounded!"

It sounded fine when I was writing it, but later, when we were reading parts of it aloud to Blumsmile after school, it sounded so stupid that we laughed like idjits. People grabbing their side and crying out, "My wound!" has always amused me after that.

"Not *that* it's gonna make a *fuckin'* difference to her anyway 'cause she's dead! *She's* *been* *brutally* *murdered* by some psychopath who most likely didn't even have anythin' particular against her except maybe she had the wrong hair color or eyes!" By the end of his tirade Starsky was breathing like a tractor and he found it wiser to concentrate on the road ahead of them before he'd done something he would never forgive himself for.

I'm not certain which makes me laugh harder--the *strange* *emphasis* *on* *single* *words* or that Starsky is breathing...like a tractor.

Um.

Breathing. Like a tractor.

Nope, my brain *just* *isn't* *processing* *it*.

So this sort of thing always interests me. In this story, somehow a drugstore clerk has figured out the incredible True Luv between Starsky & Hutch, and while Hutch is in the restroom, Starsky gets a little freaked out by the clerk, and leaves. Hutch emerges from the restroom (yes, he did shave his moustache off as part of a bet), and then this exchange occurs:

"Keep the faith!" the girl exclaimed out of the blue.

Hutch froze on the spot and turned his head, his features suddenly tensed. "What do you mean?" he asked, more harshly than he intended.

The young woman shrugged shyly, a bit taken aback. It seemed her own words had taken her by surprise. "I don't know. It just felt the right thing to say," she smiled softly.

Definitely reminds me of some of the first things I wrote, where a side character somehow just "knew" stuff. And just "knew" what to say. I always think that side characters need to live and breathe in their own right. They need a voice that is not the author's. I'm certain that this "keep the faith" remark turns out to magically be some sort of amazing insight that will kick in at just the right moment.

Hutch let his beaten body sink more into the warmth of his friend's side. Starsky held the extra weight with kid gloves easing Hutch over branches and other obstacles.

"Gotcah!" The ranger said, sitting back and swiping a hand across his sweaty forehead.

Fine, it's a typo. Still, it amused me for several minutes.

Starsky's hand quickly came to the nap of my neck and he eased me slowly back into the pillows.

Starsky had been the first to suggest not to swamp the woods with cops, but send only a few into there in order to not scare off the kids who naturally knew all kind of places to hide from searching parties.

"They´d proably just lay duck for the time being," [Starsky]´d said that one day in Dobey´s office.

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From:

torra.livejournal.com

FWIW, I think "The cheese stands alone" is the line of a children's song. One of the Farmer In The Dell verces or something simaler. It's not one sung in my house, but pretty sure it's one I heard other kids singing. ::shrugs:: The rest, though? Yeah. ::snickers::

From:

Bornino

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