Friendship thoughts, surfacing from a dream

[valis2]

I had a dream this morning that I was in the neighborhood I grew up in, and I went to a particular house. In reality, this house was owned by an older couple, let's call them the Smiths, and it was a huge house on a huge lot and it was the highlight of the houses of the neighborhood and made quite an impression on me as a kid. Just to give you a little dream background, a couple months ago I dreamt that I visited this same house because it was for sale, and I wandered around in it and was stunned by how cool it was inside, and then I found out it was already sold and I couldn't buy it. (In reality it was not that cool inside.)

Anyway, in this dream, I stopped by and met the new owner, who was this woman who was really cool. Pretty, blond, and dressed in a very hipster outfit. She'd kept the house all tricked out as it had been in the prior dream. The room we were in, for example, was the Lagoon Room, and had two gas fireplaces at either end that were inside mock treasure chests, and there was a blue chair with seashells all over it, and nets and glowing trinkets hanging from the ceiling and...yeah, it rocked. And I was so impressed that she'd understood how awesome everything was and she'd kept it the same.

I was so excited. I wanted to be friends with her because she was so obviously cool, and I noticed that she had a crafted item in her hand that was a bit messed up, and I volunteered to fix it for her, and she was a bit reluctant to agree. She gave me some cash and her business card and then seemed to sigh because I was still there. I started to tell her how I used to be a papergirl on this street and I always loved the house, and that interested her for a second, but still, she wasn't really totally interested.

When I woke up, it all clicked into place very quickly. I recognized that the girl looked exactly like someone I used to know--a really cool and sweet person I had wanted to be friends with years ago. (She moved away.)

It brings me to a rather sensitive subject, which is friendship.

When I was younger, I absorbed many things from media sources, and really thought these things were quite true. I am Literal Girl to a degree. It took years for me to understand that a) you do not have to be friends with everyone who wants to be your friend; b) in fact, you should avoid being friends with people who will get you into trouble; c) rich people are not inherently evil; d) working class people are not inherently saints. And so on.

Anyway, I have noticed two particular friendship patterns that I seem to get caught up in.

1) Sometimes I end up being friends with someone, and after a period of time, I realize that I'm not really gaining anything from the friendship, and that I am, in fact, expending a great deal of energy on it. Now, before you scream at me, let me explain. I am by no means a super-clever, super-witty person, but I can occasionally be entertaining, and I've ended up in a couple friendships where I've done nothing but entertain that person. In one friendship, in fact, the person was emotionally unstable and could be awful to be around, and I constantly felt like I had to defuse the situation (seriously, she would throw things at her husband). I have managed to pretty much eliminate this type of relationship from my life and it feels good.

2) I meet someone who seems super-cool, and I am suddenly incredibly keen on being friends with that person. I end up going into verbal overload (those of you who have met me at cons have seen this plenty, lol!), and for a few people, I just get so overinvested in wanting to be their friend that it's probably a little scary. In fact, I am certain it looks pathetic. And of course, when that person inevitably doesn't respond in a similar manner and/or begins to withdraw, it forces me to point the Critical Eye of Doom upon myself, which is never pretty.

Giant disclaimer: This is absolutely NOT to say that I don't think my current friends are cool. In fact, I really do love my flist, and over the years I have grown close to many of you, honestly, and I have a great deal of love for all of you in so many ways. All I am saying is that I feel this phantom rejection keenly. Considering what I've done to get away from #1, this is a highly ironic and perhaps cruel form of karma, but still. I am not a saint and I'm trying to become a better person, and the best course for me is to self-examine, and it helps to write all of this out. I know it isn't attractive, but it is me.

Just like I can choose my friends, they can choose me as well, and sometimes that's a little harsh to deal with.

Stupid low self-esteem.

Um. I'm also leaving in an hour, so I probably won't be able to respond to comments until Monday.

ETA: Upon reviewing, I believe I'm hormonal. lol.

Comments

[gypsyjolie.livejournal.com]

I'd be your friend even if our husbands weren't brothers. And I'm toally guilty of scenario #2 - where I all but dance and scream "Pick me! Love me! Choose me!". Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. I have so many people in my life that I adored that I have no idea where they are now (though that number has been greatly reduced by Facebook!). All I can hope is that a former friend is out there wondering what I am up to these days and is glad of the time we did spend together once.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you, sweetie. That dream really affected me a lot more than I expected, but it's the result of some conscious and subconscious happenings as of late. *hugs* You are so right about the dancing and screaming! I just wish I were a little more secure--I think that sometimes, in my case, the dancing and screaming is what scares people away. heh.

You are really such a lovely person, and I'm so glad we're friends. *sends lurve*

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

This is interesting. What do you look to get from friendships, when you say you aren't gaining anything? Is it a mutual entertainment thing?

Is there an objective definition of cool? I've noticed as I choose friends that my definition of cool is often really different from other people's. Like maybe I'm using the wrong word or something. I guess the question is, do you want to be friends with a particular person because that person is cool, or do you think of him/her as cool because you want to be friends with him/her? (Sorry, I have a thing about using they/them to represent the singular. It's one of my many uncool aspects.:)

For some reason, this also prompts me to wonder how many of your flist you know in RL. Personally, I find that I'm much more popular among people I've never actually met. Probably still not cool, but way more likeable.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

This is interesting. What do you look to get from friendships, when you say you aren't gaining anything? Is it a mutual entertainment thing?

I always assume that friendship is give and take--that both people are getting companionship, conversation, and warm fuzzies from the association. I don't have a ton of time to try to explain, unfortunately, but I usually hope that both people get something from the connection. If one person is doing all of the calling, visiting, kind thoughts, then the other person is not being fair, I generally think. Though there are other factors involved, of course. I mean, I know it's blasphemy to say that you want something from a friendship, but still, there is something being exchanged there, honestly, and if it comes down to the point that one person is getting a lot of stuff piled on them and the other person is taking advantage, then it's no longer a viable friendship in my eyes.

Is there an objective definition of cool? I've noticed as I choose friends that my definition of cool is often really different from other people's. Like maybe I'm using the wrong word or something. I guess the question is, do you want to be friends with a particular person because that person is cool, or do you think of him/her as cool because you want to be friends with him/her? (Sorry, I have a thing about using they/them to represent the singular. It's one of my many uncool aspects.:)

Cool is something I will spend my entire life trying to understand, and will never attain. Seriously. I have always been completely in its thrall.

Usually I want to be friends with someone I perceive as cool--but there are other factors as well. It's almost like a lightning strike when I see someone I *really* want to be friends with. And then it almost never works out.

For some reason, this also prompts me to wonder how many of your flist you know in RL. Personally, I find that I'm much more popular among people I've never actually met. Probably still not cool, but way more likeable.

Flisters who were friends before I was on LJ: 3%, maybe
Flisters who became RL friends because of LJ: 10%
Flisters who I've met in RL: 20%

Just off the top of my head. I'm so going nuts here--I'm so so so LATE leaving. grah.

I'm also very unhappy with this entry--I don't think it said what I meant to have said. grah. This is turning into a totally stupid grah day. SEriously.

[marginaliana]

I think this makes a lot of sense, actually, and I have experienced both #1 and #2. My method of responding to my tendency towards #2 is to recognize when someone has quality X, which is whatever it is that makes me overinvested in them, and then deliberately disengage. Which, I am sure has led to me missing out on opportunities to make friends with awesome people, but it also means I've much less experienced the sting of disappointment and the Critical Eye of Doom (omg, this is so the right term). But it took me a long time to get to the point where I could recognize that I was doing it enough to deliberately not do it.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much. Seriously, I am about to walk out the door, and I've been kind of a mess all day, and this is seriously helpful because it's analytical and totally makes sense. Dude, I think you've really helped me figure this out and now I have a strategy for next time.

*hugs*

[cordelia_v]

Re issue number 2: I am pretty sure that everyone comes to this realization, sooner or later.

Have a good trip!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I am quite behind in basic human knowledge, I swear. hee! Thank you!

I had an awful trip, and I'm SO glad to be home. Seriously.

[drusillas-rain.livejournal.com]

<3

[valis2.livejournal.com]

*huggles*