X-Files: Mulde and Skully, you are my only friends

[valis2]

• She was a fairy, all light and shimmering skin, while he was the big dark tortoise, grumbling and groaning his way through the forest.
  
  If this does not scare you enough, let me point out that this is part of a sex scene.


• [Krycek] crawled under the covers, tossed and turned, got up, grabbed his Mayor McCheese, went back to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep.
  
  I solemnly swear that this is not from a parody fic. ETA: The Mayor McCheese is a plastic toy.


• Three paragraphs into a long fic:
  
  Scully allowed herself the barest hint of a smile. "All right, all right, I'll do it," she said. To herself, she was screaming yes! I finally have a date with Mulder!
  
  "Great," Mulder replied, thinking yes! I finally have a date with Scully!
  
  It was going to be a really great day.
  
  So much for UST.
  
  Next scene:
  
  "MMMbop!" Scully cried. "I love this song! Come on, Mulder, let's go dance!" She grabbed Mulder's hand and pulled him out on the dance floor.


• Fox Mulder Never knew what hit him. He was on a Iland on a case, and Skully had gotten lost from him in the mennacing jungle. Now Mulder was trying to find Skully but he had so far had no luck. "SKULLY!!" Mulder screamed out for his only frend.
  
  Later in the fic:
  
  Once it was down, Krycheck still realized tha tMulde was still onconscious. Kryceck leaned down and he began to give Mulder moth to mouth ressurection. Krychck's cruel lips pressed down against Mulders unconscious, pouty lips, and began to blow.


• At the end of one fic (which ends on a cliffhanger) the author basically states that it's up to the audience to decide whether the story will be continued or not--if they like it, this will be the beginning of a series. There are no further fics, so I can assume what the audience's reaction was.


• Alex turned off his lights with a small shudder. Mulder was a piece of work for sure. Whatever alien shit old Bill had added to ammonic fluid in Teena Mulder's womb had grown into this freak of nature.
  
  I think having ammonic fluid in your womb would not be conducive to growing anything, except maybe Rosemary's Baby.


• Authors Note: [Author #1]: Many, many in-jokes, you wouldn't understand.
  [Author #2]: Sorry about [Author #1], she just feels taller that way . I'll try and explain some of it, because there is a *big* backstory to this. Mrs. Watson really is our English teacher. Everyone in this story really exists, except for Comrades Ofoffonover and Anteater...
  
  Really? "Anteater" doesn't exist? I feel so...cheated.
  
  For anyone who's wondering, yes, Ofoffonover was named after four prepositions in alphabetical order(*long* story).
  
  Actually, that really wasn't that long.


• Summary: Mulder ends up in Tunguska again! Here's the fun part: YOU get to make up your own way they ended up there, because I didn't feel like making this any longer than it is! AND...I don't have a logical reason as to why Mulder and Scully would be allowed to stay in the same cell. But who really needs logic? This is X-Files!;)


• Summary: The Chicken Lady strikes at ever more unsuspecting horsy rides, but this time Mulder and Scully are paired with Hunter and McCall in order to catch her.
  
  Yes. X-Files/Hunter/Kids in the Hall crossover.


• All be unknownst to [the X-files] cast and crew, all were being watched carefully from above.
  
  This might be intentional. I couldn't tell.


• Keywords: XF/La Femme Nikita/Buffy/Angel/Highlander crossover...Summary: It's very complicated.


• [Author's note: the following conversation takes place in Russian, but for convenience (and since I don't know Russian) it's written out in English.]


• There is an X-files/Apocalypse Now crossover. *blinks*


• Summary: This is an X-Files parody in which Chris Carter has a dream. In the dream, he does everything he could possibly do to make the audience angry: Mulder and Scully turn out to be brother and sister, Mulder runs off with Diana Fowley, then with Doggett, Scully marries Smoking Man, the child turns out not to be Mulder's, everyone dies and to top it all off, the clock on the wall does not match the clock on the VCR. It also incorporates things from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  
  Yes, because if there's anything that X-Files fans hate most, it has to be the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Bwuh?


• [Krycek thinking to hiimself:] You're going to die because you were too sacred to use your brains.


• Okay. I'm going to go on a massive sidetrip here.
  
  So there's this interesting phenomenon that I see every so often. I wrote an entry about it some time ago and called it the Deeper Mary Sue. There's a male version of it, too, and I'm reading a fic right now which definitely qualifies. It's well-written, mostly, has very good SPAG, and it's got a plot that clips along at a good speed. But Krycek is a Deeper Gary Stu in this fic. I won't get into the rather dark and disturbing sexual past he has, except to say that he was a rent boy for some time. His adoptive parents kicked him out, he tried to do the right thing and take care of his siblings, and every bad thing he's done in canon has been explained away.
  
  In this fic, Krycek:
  
  • has a special government ID that can get him through nearly any situation without showing any other form of ID, including airports and FBI headquarters
  
  
  • ends up going to San Francisco, meets with a local field agent of Asian descent, and then impresses the hell out of said agent in 2.6 seconds because he knows all about the best places to eat in Chinatown, knows Chinese slang, and picks a restaurant for them to eat at that's "authentic," and of course, when all the agents are at the restaurant, gets to roll his eyes at Scully for looking for a common Americanized Chinese dish on the menu, and when he orders he speaks fluent Cantonese (ETA: turns out Krycek lived in Hong Kong for two years, and he did live in SF for awhile, apparently...ETA2: Mulder has just pulled out his gun at the restaurant and used it to smash crab legs at the table)
  
  
  • Skinner brings Krycek with him to his office, and Krycek sits down at Skinner's secretary's desk and, in a half hour, puts together an entire trip for four people, goes through all of his work and prioritizes it, and goes through his schedule and figures out all of his appointments for the next few days and makes suggestions in different colors of ink as to which need to be rescheduled and which can be canceled
  
  
  • carries an arsenal of weapons that I don't have enough room to list
  
  
  • has a huge set of fake passports, ID papers, etc., though this is less of a Stu thing, honestly, because he probably would have quite a collection of things like this
  
  
  • is so enticing that another secret agent, who has become a serial killer, considers Krycek his "victim zero" and has changed his victim profile to exclusively hone in on guys who look just like Krycek
  
  
  • is so enticing that Mulder was pretty much boinking him the entire time they were partnered
  
  
  • is so enticing that Skinner is going out of his gourd with lust just hours after he hears Krycek's bad-things-in-canon-explained-away-monologue
  
  
  • has an inexplicable meeting with Mulder, Scully, and Skinner (okay, fine, it's for the plot), and gets to bed waaay later than Skinner does after Mulder and Scully leave because he takes the time to wash his clothes and other stuff, and then at five am, when he starts screaming due to nightmares, Skinner rushes in and somehow pieces together (because of the clean clothes, etc.) that Krycek's only gotten three hours of sleep and gets protective of him (yes, I eat this with a spoon and love it, but dude, it's one of MANY things that Skinner is now suddenly noticing at a preternatural level about Krycek and his every tiny motion; Skinner is totally worried about every possible nuance of his behavior)
  
  
  • speaks twelve languages, including English, Russian, German, Spanish, the aforementioned Cantonese, and, oh god, Navajo
  
  
  • is ridiculously smooth and is super-skilled at lying (probably canon to some extent, but I doubt he would have had so much trouble in canon if he were that smooth)
  
  
  • speaks at an ex-lover's funeral, and during the eulogy, mentions that he was the one who encouraged him to turn tricks (which, by the way, is how the ex-lover got killed)
  
  
  • is so tantalizing while merely eating fruit that Skinner, um, has a happy moment in his shorts in a public place
  
  
  • attended some strange "academy" while he was young, where he learned six of his languages, supposedly just by talking to other kids, and then kept said languages into adulthood (also learned a lot of other stuff which usually isn't taught at an elementary school level, like chemistry and auto mechanics)
  
  
  • experiences horrific, sustained torture (including being suspended by hooks through his chest), is impaled on a sharp instrument that they can't remove because he might bleed too much, and yet he still manages to crack wise with the Asian-American field agent at the scene.
  
  
  What I'm talking about is most illustrated by the ex-lover funeral incident. If you remove the narrator's overwhelming presence, if you simply view the scene through the eyes of all present, it becomes a much different event. Seriously. The ex-lover's family/friends know that Krycek got him into male prostitution, which in turn led to him being targeted by a serial killer and murdered in a horrific manner (the serial killer targeted him specifically because of his connection to Krycek, which I'm not certain that they knew). And then Krycek actually shows up at the funeral and gets up and speaks. I tell you, I cannot imagine that this would ever really happen. But because the author is so firmly in Krycek's narrative I think it has distorted the believability factor, and this shows when we practice what I call Reduction, which is when you boil down the plot to its simplest essence. Krycek stands in front of the people at the funeral, and blames his whoring--yes, he uses that word--on the ex-lover's parents. The parents are not there, because they are Evil Parents, but still. He basically says it's not his fault that the ex-lover continued to walk the streets. The tone is very level and matter-of-fact, but still, it's pretty incendiary and it's a rough thing to do to grieving people. To the author it's important to absolve Krycek of blame and have him tell off his ex-lover's parents, but when you think about the scene, it's rather cold-hearted.
  
  Just another reminder to me of reducing things to their base plot level to make certain that it inherently makes sense and is believable. I think I might have to write a bigger entry about Reduction.

Comments

[artystone.livejournal.com]

No, really, you have to stop reading this stuff. Really. Right now.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I CAN'T STOP OH GOD HELP ME