X-Files: Mulde and Skully, you are my only friends

[valis2]

• She was a fairy, all light and shimmering skin, while he was the big dark tortoise, grumbling and groaning his way through the forest.
  
  If this does not scare you enough, let me point out that this is part of a sex scene.


• [Krycek] crawled under the covers, tossed and turned, got up, grabbed his Mayor McCheese, went back to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep.
  
  I solemnly swear that this is not from a parody fic. ETA: The Mayor McCheese is a plastic toy.


• Three paragraphs into a long fic:
  
  Scully allowed herself the barest hint of a smile. "All right, all right, I'll do it," she said. To herself, she was screaming yes! I finally have a date with Mulder!
  
  "Great," Mulder replied, thinking yes! I finally have a date with Scully!
  
  It was going to be a really great day.
  
  So much for UST.
  
  Next scene:
  
  "MMMbop!" Scully cried. "I love this song! Come on, Mulder, let's go dance!" She grabbed Mulder's hand and pulled him out on the dance floor.


• Fox Mulder Never knew what hit him. He was on a Iland on a case, and Skully had gotten lost from him in the mennacing jungle. Now Mulder was trying to find Skully but he had so far had no luck. "SKULLY!!" Mulder screamed out for his only frend.
  
  Later in the fic:
  
  Once it was down, Krycheck still realized tha tMulde was still onconscious. Kryceck leaned down and he began to give Mulder moth to mouth ressurection. Krychck's cruel lips pressed down against Mulders unconscious, pouty lips, and began to blow.


• At the end of one fic (which ends on a cliffhanger) the author basically states that it's up to the audience to decide whether the story will be continued or not--if they like it, this will be the beginning of a series. There are no further fics, so I can assume what the audience's reaction was.


• Alex turned off his lights with a small shudder. Mulder was a piece of work for sure. Whatever alien shit old Bill had added to ammonic fluid in Teena Mulder's womb had grown into this freak of nature.
  
  I think having ammonic fluid in your womb would not be conducive to growing anything, except maybe Rosemary's Baby.


• Authors Note: [Author #1]: Many, many in-jokes, you wouldn't understand.
  [Author #2]: Sorry about [Author #1], she just feels taller that way . I'll try and explain some of it, because there is a *big* backstory to this. Mrs. Watson really is our English teacher. Everyone in this story really exists, except for Comrades Ofoffonover and Anteater...
  
  Really? "Anteater" doesn't exist? I feel so...cheated.
  
  For anyone who's wondering, yes, Ofoffonover was named after four prepositions in alphabetical order(*long* story).
  
  Actually, that really wasn't that long.


• Summary: Mulder ends up in Tunguska again! Here's the fun part: YOU get to make up your own way they ended up there, because I didn't feel like making this any longer than it is! AND...I don't have a logical reason as to why Mulder and Scully would be allowed to stay in the same cell. But who really needs logic? This is X-Files!;)


• Summary: The Chicken Lady strikes at ever more unsuspecting horsy rides, but this time Mulder and Scully are paired with Hunter and McCall in order to catch her.
  
  Yes. X-Files/Hunter/Kids in the Hall crossover.


• All be unknownst to [the X-files] cast and crew, all were being watched carefully from above.
  
  This might be intentional. I couldn't tell.


• Keywords: XF/La Femme Nikita/Buffy/Angel/Highlander crossover...Summary: It's very complicated.


• [Author's note: the following conversation takes place in Russian, but for convenience (and since I don't know Russian) it's written out in English.]


• There is an X-files/Apocalypse Now crossover. *blinks*


• Summary: This is an X-Files parody in which Chris Carter has a dream. In the dream, he does everything he could possibly do to make the audience angry: Mulder and Scully turn out to be brother and sister, Mulder runs off with Diana Fowley, then with Doggett, Scully marries Smoking Man, the child turns out not to be Mulder's, everyone dies and to top it all off, the clock on the wall does not match the clock on the VCR. It also incorporates things from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  
  Yes, because if there's anything that X-Files fans hate most, it has to be the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Bwuh?


• [Krycek thinking to hiimself:] You're going to die because you were too sacred to use your brains.


• Okay. I'm going to go on a massive sidetrip here.
  
  So there's this interesting phenomenon that I see every so often. I wrote an entry about it some time ago and called it the Deeper Mary Sue. There's a male version of it, too, and I'm reading a fic right now which definitely qualifies. It's well-written, mostly, has very good SPAG, and it's got a plot that clips along at a good speed. But Krycek is a Deeper Gary Stu in this fic. I won't get into the rather dark and disturbing sexual past he has, except to say that he was a rent boy for some time. His adoptive parents kicked him out, he tried to do the right thing and take care of his siblings, and every bad thing he's done in canon has been explained away.
  
  In this fic, Krycek:
  
  • has a special government ID that can get him through nearly any situation without showing any other form of ID, including airports and FBI headquarters
  
  
  • ends up going to San Francisco, meets with a local field agent of Asian descent, and then impresses the hell out of said agent in 2.6 seconds because he knows all about the best places to eat in Chinatown, knows Chinese slang, and picks a restaurant for them to eat at that's "authentic," and of course, when all the agents are at the restaurant, gets to roll his eyes at Scully for looking for a common Americanized Chinese dish on the menu, and when he orders he speaks fluent Cantonese (ETA: turns out Krycek lived in Hong Kong for two years, and he did live in SF for awhile, apparently...ETA2: Mulder has just pulled out his gun at the restaurant and used it to smash crab legs at the table)
  
  
  • Skinner brings Krycek with him to his office, and Krycek sits down at Skinner's secretary's desk and, in a half hour, puts together an entire trip for four people, goes through all of his work and prioritizes it, and goes through his schedule and figures out all of his appointments for the next few days and makes suggestions in different colors of ink as to which need to be rescheduled and which can be canceled
  
  
  • carries an arsenal of weapons that I don't have enough room to list
  
  
  • has a huge set of fake passports, ID papers, etc., though this is less of a Stu thing, honestly, because he probably would have quite a collection of things like this
  
  
  • is so enticing that another secret agent, who has become a serial killer, considers Krycek his "victim zero" and has changed his victim profile to exclusively hone in on guys who look just like Krycek
  
  
  • is so enticing that Mulder was pretty much boinking him the entire time they were partnered
  
  
  • is so enticing that Skinner is going out of his gourd with lust just hours after he hears Krycek's bad-things-in-canon-explained-away-monologue
  
  
  • has an inexplicable meeting with Mulder, Scully, and Skinner (okay, fine, it's for the plot), and gets to bed waaay later than Skinner does after Mulder and Scully leave because he takes the time to wash his clothes and other stuff, and then at five am, when he starts screaming due to nightmares, Skinner rushes in and somehow pieces together (because of the clean clothes, etc.) that Krycek's only gotten three hours of sleep and gets protective of him (yes, I eat this with a spoon and love it, but dude, it's one of MANY things that Skinner is now suddenly noticing at a preternatural level about Krycek and his every tiny motion; Skinner is totally worried about every possible nuance of his behavior)
  
  
  • speaks twelve languages, including English, Russian, German, Spanish, the aforementioned Cantonese, and, oh god, Navajo
  
  
  • is ridiculously smooth and is super-skilled at lying (probably canon to some extent, but I doubt he would have had so much trouble in canon if he were that smooth)
  
  
  • speaks at an ex-lover's funeral, and during the eulogy, mentions that he was the one who encouraged him to turn tricks (which, by the way, is how the ex-lover got killed)
  
  
  • is so tantalizing while merely eating fruit that Skinner, um, has a happy moment in his shorts in a public place
  
  
  • attended some strange "academy" while he was young, where he learned six of his languages, supposedly just by talking to other kids, and then kept said languages into adulthood (also learned a lot of other stuff which usually isn't taught at an elementary school level, like chemistry and auto mechanics)
  
  
  • experiences horrific, sustained torture (including being suspended by hooks through his chest), is impaled on a sharp instrument that they can't remove because he might bleed too much, and yet he still manages to crack wise with the Asian-American field agent at the scene.
  
  
  What I'm talking about is most illustrated by the ex-lover funeral incident. If you remove the narrator's overwhelming presence, if you simply view the scene through the eyes of all present, it becomes a much different event. Seriously. The ex-lover's family/friends know that Krycek got him into male prostitution, which in turn led to him being targeted by a serial killer and murdered in a horrific manner (the serial killer targeted him specifically because of his connection to Krycek, which I'm not certain that they knew). And then Krycek actually shows up at the funeral and gets up and speaks. I tell you, I cannot imagine that this would ever really happen. But because the author is so firmly in Krycek's narrative I think it has distorted the believability factor, and this shows when we practice what I call Reduction, which is when you boil down the plot to its simplest essence. Krycek stands in front of the people at the funeral, and blames his whoring--yes, he uses that word--on the ex-lover's parents. The parents are not there, because they are Evil Parents, but still. He basically says it's not his fault that the ex-lover continued to walk the streets. The tone is very level and matter-of-fact, but still, it's pretty incendiary and it's a rough thing to do to grieving people. To the author it's important to absolve Krycek of blame and have him tell off his ex-lover's parents, but when you think about the scene, it's rather cold-hearted.
  
  Just another reminder to me of reducing things to their base plot level to make certain that it inherently makes sense and is believable. I think I might have to write a bigger entry about Reduction.

Comments

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. Where do you find this shit? Seriously?

And it always comes back to insects in this fandom... moth to mouth?

lol.

[dawnebeth.livejournal.com]

Tall skinny Mulder was a grumbling tortoise? lol Some of those others were so scary that I was trembling from the horror of spelling errors, TMI and requests from the authors to continue the stories.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahahah!!!!! I totally thought of you when I added that line. *snorts*

I am only through the D's. I wonder if I can get through the entire archive...hee!

Glad you enjoyed. ;)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't it amazing? I reread the line about the tortoise three times and just couldn't believe it, so it had to be included here.

I love sharing this stuff. It's just so wacky and fascinating. I do feel really sad that the poor author never got a request to continue her story. heh.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

I always knew Scully was a Hanson fan! XD

I seem to remember coming up with some stories in English class, too. they were never good! *sigh*

I am interested in this scully/smoking man thing and find it very funny to imagine Mulder smashing crab legs with his gun. HULK SMASH!!

[gmonkey42.livejournal.com]

I'm confused, is Mayor McCheese a sandwich? Or are we talking about an actual plushie thing of a character from McDonald's commercials?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Of course Scully loves Hanson and of course she cries her dialogue and runs across the dance floor with Mulder in tow. I mean, that happened every week on the show, right?

The crab legs thing made me howl! I mean, they're in a restaurant, of course people are going to be staring at them anyway because it's a bunch of people in suits in the middle of a super casual dining room, and then one pulls out a gun? Seriously, that's just another Too Cute Moment. ;)

*hugs* I've missed you, hon!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

It's apparently a plastic toy. Seriously. He sleeps with it every night.

I can't believe I didn't make this up.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Sleeping with a plastic toy would be pretty uncomfortable!

OMG, this is fabulous. It is going to be a really good day!

I especially love the way the two authors mistakenly think anybody cares about their in-jokes, or that their in-jokes are actually funny. But they want everybody to know that they're cool, so they'll let us know what we're missing.

I love Krycek the deeper Mary Sue--definitely. Everything is so warped that of course everyone would respect his getting up at a funeral and blaming the guy's whoring on his parents and not himself, even if it was his idea. And Skinner really should be calculating how much sleep he got that night!

[cordelia_v]

and, oh god, Navajo

That's where I lost it. Exactly there.

there were so many other impossibilities you listed that I'm not sure why that particular one started me howling. But there you go.

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

You're back! And you brought funnies!

Although it is sad that that poor author didn't have one person to tell her to finish the stories. I've read some really sad crap that ended that way and there are always a couple of people who pop up and beg for more like it's a box of lost Riptide eps. I thought it was a law or something.:)

[slavelabour.livejournal.com]

Effing hell, I couldn't even finish reading them, I was choking after the first couple. I'm wheezing over here.

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

grabbed his Mayor McCheese,

I thought it was a euphemism.

[cordeliadelayne]

Can't breathe. Laughing too much.

[marginaliana]

OMG I continue to love these beyond all reason.

Especially that one of the things most likely to irritate X-Files viewers is that "the clock on the wall does not match the clock on the VCR"!! Which, actually, I can totally believe. :D

Your thoughts about the Deeper Mary Sue remind me that I never got around to writing my meta on Swiss Family Robinson stories (where you get paragraph after paragraph of what Harry bought in Diagon Alley once he discovered his inheritance). I think the two types of story often go together, and wish-fulfillment is definitely the center of it all.

[idleleaves.livejournal.com]

What the fffffffuck.

*DIES laughing* The badfic, it burns.

Randomly, do you remember the Gossamer Archive? It was the first web-based fic archive I ever found (before that, it'd been newsgroups, oh god). Even as a relative fandom newbie I remember going OH GOD IT BURNS. Though there were some good fics on there too, I think. Or maybe I only thought they were good because I was 18, ha.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Sleeping with a plastic toy would be pretty uncomfortable!

If he doesn't--oh noes! The nightmares!

I just love the idea of a globetrotting, cold-as-ice, hard-as-nails assassin who is completely paralyzed if he can't sleep with his toy.

I especially love the way the two authors mistakenly think anybody cares about their in-jokes, or that their in-jokes are actually funny. But they want everybody to know that they're cool, so they'll let us know what we're missing.

Oh, totally. And I'm so amused that they are so earnestly telling us that everyone they're writing about is a real person except for two. As if this is so germane to the story. I mean, if I hadn't know, why, I never would have clicked on it! lol.

I love Krycek the deeper Mary Sue--definitely. Everything is so warped that of course everyone would respect his getting up at a funeral and blaming the guy's whoring on his parents and not himself, even if it was his idea. And Skinner really should be calculating how much sleep he got that night!

Skinner calculates all that and more. He watches Krycek like a hawk, and even though I kind of secretly dig how much he cares and how this is the only way he can make sure that Krycek is eating and sleeping etc., I do realize that it's a little weird.

It reminds me of those shows/movies where one character is kind of a loose cannon and the other is his/her "minder," y'know?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Yes, I read that bit and just sat there for a moment, slack-jawed. It takes a lot for a fic to render me speechless at this point, honestly, but this fic fit the bill. lol!

Glad you're enjoying!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Yes, I'm home, and I'm desperately behind in everything, including your email, and I swear I will get caught up soon.

It might be that the poor author actually did receive a request or two to continue, but didn't; you never know, sometimes they like to put a number on it, like if they receive ten comments they'll continue. I just know that there is no sequel anywhere on that particular site.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Good, huh? I adore this fandom! I just continue to find a wealth of lines, just screaming to be shared. hee!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

bwahahahah! omg, how did I miss that? Wow, I fail at fandom.

*still giggling*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

This was a super good edition, wasn't it? I mean, srsly, I am still laughing about moth-to-mouth.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

OMG I continue to love these beyond all reason.

eeeeeee!! I'm so squeefully glad you like them.

Especially that one of the things most likely to irritate X-Files viewers is that "the clock on the wall does not match the clock on the VCR"!! Which, actually, I can totally believe. :D

See, YES. This is exactly what I picture XF fans getting bent out of shape over. Not the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Your thoughts about the Deeper Mary Sue remind me that I never got around to writing my meta on Swiss Family Robinson stories (where you get paragraph after paragraph of what Harry bought in Diagon Alley once he discovered his inheritance). I think the two types of story often go together, and wish-fulfillment is definitely the center of it all.

*drools* Oh, that would be awesome meta. I never even thought of it--what a totally intriguing thing. *ponders*

[todayiamadaisy]

Ofoffonover was named after four prepositions in alphabetical order

Look out for his friend, Amisarewaswere, named after conjugations of the verb 'to be'.

Here's the fun part: YOU get to make up your own way they ended up there, because I didn't feel like making this any longer than it is!

I love this. Look, I've written a novel: there's a note at the start saying 'make it up yourselves, kids', followed by 500 blank pages. Imagine the fights about what is or isn't canon.



I've just finished reading a mystery novel that had a protagonist who annoyed me, and your thoughts on the deeper Mary Sue put it into words. This character was married and her husband was an artist with a studio some distance from their house, so nights when he was working late he slept there rather than coming home. And that's plausible as an explanation of why the protagonist was alone when the bad guy came visiting one night, but less plausible was that Every. Single. Person. mentioned it to her. Literally: 'Oh, you're Rona! You're the woman whose husband doesn't live with her!', and then an interior monologue about how annoying she found that. That's either the biggest Anvil of Set-up ever, or an author with a personal peeve.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't it amazing? I am just in awe.

(And you might be closer than you think about which archive I'm perusing...*grins*)

There are some good fics, too, though. I've been avoiding all of the Scully/Mulder stuff, but occasionally I will check out something interesting. :)

[hardboiledbaby]

Moth to mouth ressurection of pouty lips--wow, that's some powerful moth. And Hanson is da bomb, of course. *snicker, snort*

the author basically states that it's up to the audience to decide whether the story will be continued or not
*blinkblink* Talk about setting yourself up to be royally disappointed, or setting up your friends for a major guilt trip if they say nothing.

Teh badfic, it just gives and gives. :D Thanks for sharing, hon.

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

I was starting to worry that you hadn't gotten my email and were thinking I hadn't written, which would have been mean of me. But so long as you know I'm not that mean, it's all good.:)

I'm so pathetic, I'll write a sequel if only one person asks. At least I'll try to. I think I still owe Quo one, but it's been months and it just might never happen.

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

Gotta say, Mayor McCheese as a euphemism is so much worse than a grown man sleeping with a stuffed cheeseburger. The latter makes me snort at the story, whereas the former causes me to worry a great deal about the writer.

[idleleaves.livejournal.com]

... MUAHAHAHAHA. =D I almost thought so.

I was such a late bloomer that a lot of the shippy stuff I found (when I was heavily into X-Files) scarred me. =D This makes me want to make a post about 'net history, because oh god, ROFL. I didn't get eased into fandom. I got thrown into it, first in ST and the in X-files. Trial by fire, even if I was only a lurker for the first, oh, ten years. =D

[dark-cygnet.livejournal.com]

I...you make me cry when i read these. But please, never stop posting these, it gives me hope for humanity as a whole.

[artystone.livejournal.com]

No, really, you have to stop reading this stuff. Really. Right now.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yeah, usually if I haven't replied then I'm either completely cut off from a computer, or dead. heh.

And I definitely think about writing sequels and prequels whenever someone asks. Sometimes it actually happens, too! hee!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

bwahaha! yes, totally. omg, I am completely snorting too.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, if this is the fandom you started in--trial by fire is the most accurate description, I'm certain. Holy cow. I'm pretty jaded and even I've been singed by a few of these suckers. ;)

And good guess, btw. *grins*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Look out for his friend, Amisarewaswere, named after conjugations of the verb 'to be'.

What if we introduce a girlfriend for them? Someone like Aanthe, the Article Girl?

I love this. Look, I've written a novel: there's a note at the start saying 'make it up yourselves, kids', followed by 500 blank pages. Imagine the fights about what is or isn't canon.

These ALWAYS make me stare at the screen with a bemused expression on my face. I mean, I'm (presumably) looking through fanfic because I want to read something, right? If I wanted a Choose Your Own Adventure book, I'd grab one at the store.

That's either the biggest Anvil of Set-up ever, or an author with a personal peeve.

Oh yes. This is exactly what I'm talking about--when stuff is set up simply to be cutesy or make the protagonist do a certain thing or get into a certain situation. If I can't see the strings, that's one thing. But if I can...ugh. :(

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Moth to mouth ressurection of pouty lips--wow, that's some powerful moth. And Hanson is da bomb, of course. *snicker, snort*

And did you notice that the lips were unconscious? Pretty tough to do, if you ask me.

*blinkblink* Talk about setting yourself up to be royally disappointed, or setting up your friends for a major guilt trip if they say nothing.

Exactly! And it's pretty obvious what happened, methinks. :(

Teh badfic, it just gives and gives. :D Thanks for sharing, hon.

Absolutely! My pleasure. ;)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I am truly sorry to have made you cry. And I will not stop posting these, especially since it gives you such an uplifting hope.

*giggles*

*lionsmooches*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I CAN'T STOP OH GOD HELP ME

[idleleaves.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty jaded and even I've been singed by a few of these suckers. ;)

LOL.

I, on the other hand, wasn't jaded at all, at the time. So... talk about some mental scarring. =D Although, it was my second fandom--my first was Trek (all the way back to newsgroups, rofl, before I had a modem fast enough to load omgactualwebsites). There was a separate list for porn, at least, so slightly less scarring. =D

Only slightly.