Sue profile #6

[valis2]

[Recap: Some of you might remember that at one of the HP conventions, gmonkey42 and I put together a Snape and his Mary Sues presentation. In order to put the presentation together, we had to read a bunch of HP fanfics featuring Sues who were paired with Snape. The other night, I was scribbling notes on scrap paper, and realized that the paper in question was from a printout of the spreadsheet that we built to house the data. And then I started laughing at the quote, and I thought that we really should share the profiles because they're just too much fun not to.]

This is one of my favorite profiles.

• Name of Sue: Alaina Mackenzie


• Markings: Lots of tattoos, mostly skulls and Marine stuff, also massively scarred from abusive stepfather


• Clothing: At first--Headphones, boots, blue jeans, t-shirt, black leather jacket; then she buys "open front robes" for their ease of movement


• Other: Smokes; has great singing voice


• Nationality: American


• Exchange student or DADA professor?: Yes, PE and Defense


• Tragic past: yes


• Further education: In the American Armed Forces


• Past relationships: Stepfather abused her terribly


• Martial arts/sports: was a Marine


• Unique magic ability: Electrical/electronic devices work for her in Hogwarts (specifically CD player)


• Animagus form: Timber wolf


• Special possession: Gun, vest, holster; pendant which allows her to see through Glamours; minature motorcycle; minature black pickup truck; minature Bowflex machine (I am not making this up); karaoke machine;


• Totally uncharacteristic Snape moments:
  • Shows up Severus at very first meeting by shooting a gun at him and claiming that nothing magical can stop a bullet--he storms off; also, he watches her doing her physical routine on the Quidditch Pitch, and she says she knew he was watching her for ten minutes and gives him a bruise salve, which leaves him speechless (chp 3) (He got bruised by her in an altercation, I think)
  
  
  • Snape is astonished that she has a tiny motorcycle hidden in her pocket that she expands to full size and then rides away (chp 4)
  
  
  • She faces down Draco Malfoy, who used the word Mudblood, and docks points and gives him detention, and then when Snape shows up and gets pissed off about her taking points away, she shows him the memory of the event in a Pensieve and he suddenly agrees with her and says she should have (chp 5) (keep in mind this is waaaay before DH)
  
  
  • Snape gets pissed and covers her with boils, hooray Snape! Er--and then he kisses her, damnit; she's excited that Snape is Alan Rickman's twin in looks (chp 7)
    
  • she sings "The Rose" to Snape at a karaoke contest; Snape sings a Billy Joel song to her (She's got a way about her) (chp 8);


• Sue House: BITCHIWITCH

Comments

[todayiamadaisy]

Snape is astonished that she has a tiny motorcycle hidden in her pocket that she expands to full size and then rides away (chp 4)

To be fair to Snape here, I would also be astonished by that. Just reading it made me laugh. Does the miniature black pickup work the same way?

What are 'open front robes', do you think? I'm imagining a hospital gown worn backwards, which surely would not look good.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

To be fair to Snape here, I would also be astonished by that. Just reading it made me laugh. Does the miniature black pickup work the same way?

Still, compared to the things he sees on a regular basis--like a disembodied spirit growing a new body in a kettle--this is pretty tame. lol. And yeah, even the Bowflex machine works the same way.

What are 'open front robes', do you think? I'm imagining a hospital gown worn backwards, which surely would not look good.

When I first read this fic, I spent a few minutes trying to figure that out, and then decided that I didn't want to know. lol.

[gmonkey42.livejournal.com]

then she buys "open front robes" for their ease of movement

Ease of movement... FOR THE BOOBIES! Is what I think you meant to say there.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

lol! How could I have forgotten to add that? Because her boobies are that awesome. Seriously. If Voldemort saw them, the whole wizarding war thing would be over in a heartbeat.

[perverse-idyll.livejournal.com]

she sings "The Rose" to Snape at a karaoke contest; Snape sings a Billy Joel song to her (She's got a way about her)

Oh dear God. Kill me now.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

What, is something wrong? You don't think Snape likes karaoke? *snerk*

[ellid.livejournal.com]

SNAPE SINGS KARAOKE?????

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't that awesome? I'm still laughing.

[little-tristan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, she smokes and has a "great" singing voice? That only works if your definition of "great" begins and ends with Janis Joplin. I personally know a retired opera singer who blew her career because she wouldn't give up the ciggies. Just ruined her throat. Or maybe this babe has a salve for that, too?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Isn't that crazy? I was so surprised. Then again, it's a common thing for Sues to have great voices, so I shouldn't be surprised. lol.

[gmonkey42.livejournal.com]

Haha, I remember this one. I remember getting all nit-picky about how she converted a regular gun to fire paintballs, except there was no pressurized air tank, therefore no source of propulsion for the paintballs.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

omg, I remember that! Classic. The whole thing had that lovely scent of WTF? about it. *grins*

[themostepotente.livejournal.com]

*dies and is ded* Smoking; has great voice! Bwahahahaha. Wouldn't you sound like Stevie Nicks or Kim Carnes if you smoked too much?

Or does she mean smoking hot?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

If the author is to be believed, the Sue's voice is like buttah. lol. ;)

[tjs-whatnot.livejournal.com]

SHUT UP!!

You are making this shit up!! Snape singing Billy Joel just totally broke my brain...like srsly, dead of brain break!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahahaha!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. I SWEAR IT.

He sings a Billy Joel song. It's lovely. Truly lovely.

*giggles*