Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

Here's a couple of random thoughts on the subject.

1. Recognition, as you will know, as an early watcher of my ongoing whinging was a long time a-coming. Possibly because I whinged so much, I achieved what all attention seekers want (at least that's what more than one person has suggested about me).

2. Awards. I've never ever nominated myself, though I did vote for myself last time (and much good it did me). If it is any comfort, one of the winners of the last round of Multifaceteds nominated herself. *snigger*

3. Finishing and at what pace hardly matters so long as you are enjoying the writing. I moaned about the business, but there was never a word I did not enjoy writing, it was the other crap that bothered. People write at different paces.

4. It's become hugely competitive lately, especially in the insane asylum that I operate in. I remind myself, it is not why I first sat down and wrote fanfic. I wrote my first fanfic because it was the fic I most wanted to read. If someone else had written it earlier, I'd probably not have bothered. It only came about after I searched for a good backstory Snape. And that's been it with all the others, a kind of, why hasn't anyone written X? So I wrote it.

And I'll be fine just as long as I keep telling myself I do not need to read a great Snape/Rosier fic...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the rational thoughts. I appreciate them more than you know.

I'd also like to mention that I need to read a great Snape/Rosier fic...hee!!