Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Finished doesn't mean good. Being in the "top XX" of anything (in this case in particular from what I've read) may only mean that you, or your sycophants have very nimble refresh-button fingers. Being nominated for awards may (and usually does) only mean that your bestest fic friend 4EVA has nominated Ur fic because it ROxxx!! and used a dozen sockpuppets to back her up.

Write what you want to write at your own speed and enjoy it. If you don't enjoy writing it, do you think anyone will enjoy reading it? And forget reviews! You wouldn't believe the crap out there with literally thousands of reviews. "Good" reviews, nor many, do not a good story make.

Write on!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I feel like I should have a banner now, or some sort of unique cheer. You're right, you're right. Thanks for making me feel better! :)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Being nominated for awards may (and usually does) only mean that your bestest fic friend 4EVA has nominated Ur fic because it ROxxx!!

That's probably true. I don't know if it counts, since the nomination was for the .::Quills::. contest and not for an actual award, but someone nominated my story for it. I had no idea who she was, but she e-mailed me and asked if it was all right if she nominated it. My first thought was 'someone actually read it' before 'someone read it and liked it'. Then, of course, was 'what's this Quills thing?'

Of course, I haven't won. I asked them about judging, since they were theoretically looking for judges (any category but my own, which wouldn't be fair), and they never contacted me.

I'm shocked to be nominated. Maybe it's because it's my first one, or because it was for the first long story (but not epic) I've done. I have no idea how many people read it, since there's no response system over at Master and Wolf. I kind of like that, though. No worries because that writer got more reviews than I did.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Since you don't know the person who nominated you, and didn't even know what it was you were being nominated for, I'd certainly say it was a legit nomination and offer you my heartiest congratulations!
That, IMHO, is far more of an award than being nominated for anything by sockpuppets.
Yes, there are some legitimate nomimations out there, but they're few and far between.

Good for you! What you experienced is far more of a validation as a writer than 1,000 reviews from the same readers over and over again who have to review every single chapter, sometimes multiple times!

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And thanks. I was shocked. I've certainly since looked at .::Quills::. At first, I didn't want to read anything there, since I'd volunteered to judge and didn't want to have read anything in advance (before knowing criteria). Since they haven't bothered to contact me, I've gone back and started to read there. I began at the first story in Action/Adventure and read the whole thing in two bum-breaking sessions. Granted, my story's in the Angst category, but I'm honored just to be there. Fer real.

I have no sockpuppets, so I can't have them putting up thousands of reviews for my stuff. Actually, I've only got two stories anywhere that takes reviews directly, so I have no way of gathering minions in such a fashion. I'm such a poor Slytherin in that regard. Still, I was only sorted Slytherin once, as opposed to all those other times.

The genuine validation of the few is quite meaningful to me. I'm surprised, yet very pleased to have had the one good response. I need to learn to take a compliment. A bunch of 'squee' things would only make me paranoid that I really suck and nobody will tell me.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

The "best" review I ever got was my one "bad" one. It was the only one that mentioned things that bothered me the most about my own story. For reasons way too complicated to explain, I'd had to write out an entire character and that took out several chapters and a whole storyline. It left what I, and this single reviewer, saw as a gaping plot hole. I was thrilled that someone was actually reading the thing and paying attention.