Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's a flaw in the system, or what. But it does mess up the 'count' as they put it. Take a look at the numbers. Four postings on the same day, the first one will have at least twice the hits the others do, probably more like four times. The last one will have far fewer, because people are hitting 'next' at that point. I usually don't, simply because I hate having to back out of all those screens to get to the beginning.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

I could never figure out why I'd have a couple hundred hits on one chapter and maybe 50 on the next. Even now the hits go chapter one: 1000+, chapter 2: 68 then the rest are in the hundreds. What does it mean when "pop" is written next to your hit count? I never noticed that before.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. Fiction Alley, like ffn, gives me the creeps. I like it only if I know the exact author I'm looking for and what specific place the stories are in. To just look for something to read, it freaks me out because I have the worst time finding anything that doesn't suck. I find something promising, and it's not finished. I look at the last posted bit, and it's months old. It will never be finished, so I keep going.

I didn't get an account there (going with ffn instead) simply because the process seemed much simpler. Getting around at FA weirds me. Can you look in the 'help' or 'FAQ' sections and find out? They are often more confusing, but they might have your answer.

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm not that concerned. It is pretty impossible to find your way around. But like I said, I only archived so people could find it--I just gave people who asked the direct link. I picked FA because some of those folks were already there and recommended it and they have some standards--at least stuff has to be proof-read, unlike ff.net which is...well...you know.