The horror of Van Helsing...

[valis2]

Watched it last night. To my dismay it was not even enough of a popcorn movie for me to watch again. I'm so sad! The Mummy is one of my favorite popcorn movies of all time, and I was looking forward to another. Stephen Sommers, what is happening? Note: If, for some reason, you have a desire to see this movie and haven't seen it yet, know that the rest of this entry contains spoilers.

Some valis commentary for Van Helsing...

• Everyone in this movie swings from a cable at some point. There is more cable-swinging in this movie than in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, and George of the Jungle combined. I am beginning to wonder if the International Cable Installation Union was in danger of collapse from unuse and this movie was picked to bring it back from the brink.


• When the Curator...er, the head of the Order is talking to Van Helsing and performing his expositional duty, he explains about a family that has been fighting Dracula for centuries. He mentions the names of the latest two descedents, and I really thought that he said Prince Esanna when in actuality he said Princess Anna.


• In the beginning Frankenstein's monster (FM) is...articulate. Let's reason this through for a moment. Frankenstein has created a monster out of spare human body parts, including at least portions of a brain. Why, to begin the discussion, would he be seven feet tall and four hundred pounds? Most humans are not that size. Fstein would have had to cull parts from the local populace, I assume (which is why they angrily attacked him, supposedly), and his grave-robbing behavior would have only yielded average human-sized parts. Okay. So the brain is from a human as well, or at least the stem is. In Shelley's classic electricity is the key to everything, and electric current restarts the heart and systems. Impossible, yes. Here in the movie it is not explained if Fstein developed AI. Yet AI would be the only way that FM could be articulate and noble. But then again, the technology level just doesn't seem advanced enough, even with the extremly advanced looking Green Glowing Stuff in FM's head. FM was awakened, and only knew his creator for about fifty seconds, so why is he able to identify him (insanely, I might add) as "Father"? And why is he so convinced that Fstein is such a wonderful human being and so brilliant? The only thing he knows is the dialogue between Fstein and Dracula. FM must have preloaded systems, because otherwise, he would think he was Mr. Vladislav or something, who died three weeks ago, or perhaps he would just be vegetative and not have any language skills. Okay, too much thought in this one.


• Stephen Sommers obviously has some sort of predilection for diminutive, computer-animated, vaguely humanoid creatures, which is the only explanation for the pygmy mummies in Mummy Returns and the stupid vampire babies in this movie. He needs to seek therapy instead of inflicting them on the innocent movie-going populace.


• Kevin O'Connor is utterly wasted as Igor in this movie. He should have had the Karl-the-bumbling-sidekick part. That would have been absolutely perfect. Instead we have...


• ...the utter hotness that is David Wenham (Faramir from LotR) utterly wasted in a horrid bumbling-sidekick part. At points I was steeped in abject horror as this beautiful man wore a jester's costume, ran into a wall, issued high-pitched squeaks, and never once took off his shirt. I hold you personally responsible, Stephen Sommers.


• When did werewolves become spiders?! Oh, so they could recycle that old Pharoah's Guards CGI system from the Mummy Returns. And why, WHY, is Van Helsing able to do controlled leaping up a thirty foot high door and then leap back down the other side with no hands free, yet in one of the next scenes he must climb a chain slowly, hand over hand? Couldn't he just climb the adjacent wall faster, as has been shown multiple times? The only good thing about this awful werewolf sideplot was that we are given several views of the gorgeous Prince and Hugh Jackman half-nekked. Which makes me wonder, as well, about the strategic Hulk-inspired clothing system. Somehow after transformations they are still wearing the standard-issue Hulk pants, artfully ripped at the knees. Yet as werewolves, they are not wearing pants. Where did the pants go? And, if I can get past the reappearing pants thing, then I have to mention that there are shots of both werewolves ripping their shirts, but no shots of them suddenly attacking their ankles in a frenzy, so why are the pants half destroyed when they reappear?


• What sort of biological imperative would have one dead organism (Dracula) mating with three dead organisms (the Brides) and creating dead organisms (baby vampires)? Does Dracula have dead sperm that somehow float upstream to dead eggs and fertilize them?


• Enough shots of the damned automatic crossbow! After approximately four hundred shots of the stupid thing I was ready to enter the movie myself and break it into one million pieces (as it is loaded with at least a half million shafts). And why does the automatic crossbow have a bow portion at all (complete with string), as it is mentioned by Karl the Unbelievably Kreative for the Time Period earlier that it is powered by compressed gas?!


• A hypodermic needle?! In 1887? Suspended in ACID?!!! Hypodermic needles have a rubber seal inside...the acid would eat away---oh forget it.


• Karl the Easily Kreeped Out has one of the better lines, mentioning that he doesn't want to stick his hand in something viscous. I laughed. Yet moments later we find out that it is actually a glass ball when its pedestal is kicked over. And acid isn't necessarily viscous.


• Let's just mention the werewolf plot again. Dracula knows that a werewolf is the only thing that can kill him. So he decides to keep an antidote around that will cure lycanthropy. But then he uses werewolves to do his bidding. Hmmm. Why, if a werewolf is the only thing that can kill him, would he keep werewolves around? Oh, because he has that cure, and he will administer it before the werewolf attacks him so that the werewolf isn't a werewolf any longer when it...uh...attacks him. Uh...but how will he know if he's about to be attacked? Does he just randomly administer the cure when he gets a hunch? Won't it be too late? And why is it all the way on the other side of the castle? Won't it take a while to get to it? What if he needed it in a hurry for a random attack that he has no prior knowledge of?


• Why would Dracula employ werewolves to do his bidding, anyway? They only work three days a month.


• Oh! I almost forgot the Astronomically Impossible Moment, wherein Karl informs Van that there will be another full moon two nights from now, despite the fact that there was already a full moon two nights previous. Unless he is referring to a lovely view of Van's nekked posterior, we can safely assume that Karl is on krack.


• And even more insane is the FM subplot. FM, when they first find him, is all like "Kill me, 'cause I spell doom for the entire human race! I'm the key to Fstein's machine! You fools!" Then later, after he's been captured and quotes emotional Bible passages, he's all like "Vanny boy, you need to save yourself and grab that werewolf cure. No, don't worry about me and the rest of the human race, even though it's your fault that I'm here and everyone's going to die now. Seriously. Oh, don't bother undoing the restraints even though you are right next to me. No, just go and save yourself first. I've realized that the human race deserves to die, apparently, in the last fifteen minutes."


• Here be Mary Sues. Van Helsing is a ginormous Gary Stu. Prince Esanna is a ginormous Mary Sue. They together create a soul-sucking legendary Mary Stu monster that threatens to suck all sentient thought out of the universe. Both have difficult pasts, Van has amnesia, Esanna has a Warrior Complex the size of Manhattan, and they are so brash and bold that the big, bold taste of A-1 steak sauce is jealous. One of their first conversations involved shouting awful dialogue at each other. It made me feel as if I was watching a movie version of bad fanfic.


• Everyone falls in this movie. Multiple times. There is so much falling and striking of scenery that I don't want to think of the stuntman/injury ratio for this movie. The Prince falls at least four times into a river/water. No wargs are involved, even. And why would Prince Esanna die at the end from what is only a short leap? This makes no sense, of course.


• For just a moment in the beginning I thought the undertaker character was Lucius Malfoy. It's the hair, because it certainly couldn't be the personal grooming skills. The motivations of this character really eluded me. Why was he attempting to fill his graves early? Wouldn't that be...er...well...good for business in the short-term, yes, but it's no five-year plan. In fact, it probably wouldn't last five days with the other villagers (I'd say five hours, but I think they might be a little slow on the uptake, especially after the "Hey! Lots of little vampire babies! Flying! With sharp nasty teeth! Let's stand motionless in the street and watch them wheel and cavort!" incident).
  Thankfully for Van...or unfortunately for us...Van Helsing possesses a keen sense of Shovel Fu, and knows when somebody's about to pop a cap in his---er, hit him over the head with a shovel.


• I was so saddened by David Wenham's descent into his own personal squeaky-voiced hell in this movie that at one point, during the flying vampire babies scene, I thought I spied him being carried off to an unfortunate end. I wasn't certain it was him, and at this point I was feeling so apathetic towards the movie that I didn't even reverse it to double-check.


• Dracula gets thrown in a fireplace during the beginning scene, and walks out burnt to the bone. Within moments he's fully healed. Then, a scant ten minutes later Frankenstein's Monster's Rather Ludicrous Choice Of Places To Hide is set ablaze. Yet Dracula doesn't bother going in to get him. Uh...what about your miraculous ability to regenerate? Or teleport?


• If you are going to let one of your characters have the ability to instantly teleport, then you must be certain you fully understand all ramifications of this rather nifty talent. Dracula is looking like a mighty fine Goth Pimp on a balcony in the final scene, until Van Diesel shouts something inane at him, and he gets all CGI and winged and launches himself from the balcony in an effort to get all up in Van's grill. Did he forget that he could have teleported and killed him quite quickly instead? A creature who has lived for centuries, who (if the beginning of the movie is to be trusted) can teleport effortlessly and often, just spaces out about this helpful skill? There were many points in the movie where instant teleportation would have been a boon (actually, my couch would have been a great start), yet it is never really used much except to toy with the mortals.


• Say, now that you mention it, there was a lot of toying with mortals going on, wasn't there? Oh yes. Apparently when you are Turned the very first lesson you're taught is "How to Play with your Food". Along with such classics as "How Not to Teleport When You Really, Really Need To" and my personal favorite, "How to Become a Skanky Bat-Ho in Three Easy Steps."


• As I watched the Windmill Scene I was thinking, hmmm...they've all thrown their torches at the windmill to light it on fire...now they'll have to walk home in the dark.


• Did anyone else wonder about the effect that the abduction and murder of three to four people a month would have on the local economy? No wonder Lucius---er, the undertaker was so desperate to shovel Van. No wonder he couldn't afford a toothbrush.


• After Esanna has died her stupid Mary Sue death, Van burns her body on a
  pyre, and her face appears a la Lion King in the clouds. Van and Karl talk, and Karl says, "Pity about that. Say, let's find some slash fanfiction about ourselves, and read the naughty bits!" Oh, I guess he didn't. Yet another black mark on the list for this movie.


I'm so sleepy now. Ha...the spellchecker thinks "skanky" should be replaced with "swanky".

EDIT: Cut two entries into one here.

Comments

[the-mapper.livejournal.com]

*falls out of sky*
oh, hi. :D
gosh that movie sucked. :O I found out recently that the original vampire legend was that vampires could change into BATS, MIST or WOLVES. and that's where werewolf legends came from in the first place. so it makes even less sense. but underworld sucked even more than van helsing, don'tcha think?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Actually, I loved underworld, especially in comparison to VH...I bought it on DVD (the extended version) and I watch it every so often. It's a great popcorn movie. :) Then again, everyone's tastes are different.

[the-mapper.livejournal.com]

maybe it's because the first time I saw it was on a plane and I'd been awake for thirty hours. damn, I'm gonna have to watch it again now. ;)