Mike Newell in Hell

[valis2]

The idea for this came from "Stephen Sommers in Hell", which I originally wrote after I saw the Mummy, and continued to write with bookwench2096. I'll find it and put it up at some point.

Anyway, the basic idea behind this is that three of us have been hired to produce a script for "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire", and the following is a transcription of the first meeting between Mike and us.

Inside Warner Bros: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire preliminary meeting between director Mike Newell and screenwriters valis2, aerynstales, and bookwench2096.

Mike: Hello, pleasure to meet you.
valis: Likewise.
aeryn: Yes, a pleasure, to be certain. *winks*
bookw: Lovely to meet you!
Mike: Now, we've set this meeting up to discuss the rough draft of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire---
bookw: Harry Potter? Who's that?
Mike: The protagonist. Messy black hair, glasses, scar on forehead.
bookw: I don't remember him.
Mike: Yes, exactly my point. This was supposed to be a script of Harry Potter's fourth year at Hogwarts. Yet the script was delivered to us with the title "Severus Snape and the Goblet of Fire". I thought it was a typo at first, but upon a cursory inspection I realized that the script, in fact, followed Severus Snape quite closely.
aeryn: And...?
Mike: *looks at the three of them* Don't you understand? Harry Potter is the main character.
valis: In your version.
Mike: In every version!
aeryn: You haven't spent much time online, then.
Mike: I know that Warner Brothers has given you the script contract, but I do get final approval. I'm just going to continue, point by point, with the things that need to be changed.
bookw: Oh, go for it!
Mike: The main characters are missing. What happened to Harry, Hermione, and Ron?
aeryn: Who?
bookw: Hermioninny? Who's that?
valis: You know, the emo kid, the tart, and the clown.
aeryn: Oh, now I remember! They were boring. We got rid of them.
Mike: What?! They're the main characters! Audiences expect to see them!
valis: If they want to take a nap, that is.
aeryn: We felt the focus was...somewhere else.
Mike: Severus Snape.
aeryn: Oh yes.
Mike: Which leads me to the next issue. Severus Snape is not the main character of the series.
valis: Watch your mouth!
Mike: He isn't! Have you even read the books, or is your entire source of information fanfiction? Severus Snape is one of the teachers at Hogwarts! Granted, he has a larger part than some, but still, he's meant to be a background character.
bookw: I'm not listening! La la la!
Mike: And while we're on the subject of characters...I'd like to point out that it appears that you've written yourselves into the script.
aeryn: I'm a better tart anyday than that little girl! Why, I can do things with my---
valis: Er, now might not be the best time to discuss that talent. Listen, we sat in with several focus groups, and one of the chief complaints was the lack of female characters. Women need to be able to empathize with a character to really get into the film, and we included three fabulous characters that we think will open up an entirely new target audience.
Mike: Three fabulous characters that just happened to be named aeryn, valis, and bookwench.
bookw: Hey! Those are our names! We rock.
Mike: And I don't think it's entirely a coincidence that all three of you end up in rather compromising situations with Severus Snape. Some of you---*stares at aeryn*---more than once, in fact.
aeryn: *preens*
bookw: The lime jello was my idea!
Mike: Yes, which brings me to the next point. There is no swimming pool at Hogwarts. And it most definitely isn't filled with lime green jello.
bookw: *looks horrified*
valis: The books don't explicitly say that there isn't one.
Mike: Just take my word for it, there isn't. The next issue also has to do with architecture.
aeryn: You aren't going to---
Mike: The Slytherin Love Boudoir. There is no such thing.
aeryn: You heartless bastard!
Mike: And I don't think that Lucius Malfoy, nor any of the other...er..."Sexy Slytherins", as you term them---
bookw: They aren't called that?
Mike: Er, no, they aren't. I don't think that they would take turns at the Love Boudoir...uh...servicing ladies.
aeryn: Ladies with the right price. Or the right boo-tay. *smiles sexily*
Mike: I just don't think that I can convince Warner Brothers to greenlight the script as it is right now.
valis: But it has everything! Pathos! Drama!
aeryn: Tremendous loads of sex!
bookw: A groundhog named Gus!
*valis and aeryn turn to look at bookwench*
bookw: He's cute, and he has just a little walk-on part, I wrote it in the margin of page twenty-three---
Mike: You're missing the point here! Audiences want to see Harry.
valis: Not according to my research.
Mike: I just don't think that they could suspend their belief enough to think that Severus Snape has been entered in the competition for the Goblet of Fire---
aeryn: The Goblet of Supreme All-Night Lovin', you mean.
Mike: ---er, well, and that he would be the only entrant for the contest. It's supposed to be an inter-school competition, and Durmstrang---
bookw: Durm-tang? What the hell kind of name is that? Are you making this up?
Mike: ---and Beauxbatons both have students who enter the competition---
aeryn: Oh, no, that would be illegal! Lovin' is for the adults, mister.
Mike: You aren't listening to me! Don't you remember the book? Madam Maxine shows up---
aeryn: Oh no you don't! If anybody gets to be a madame in this book, it's me!
Mike: No, no, no! She's the Headmistress of Beauxbatons. *long pause* Look, the whole point of this conference is that some serious rewrites are necessary.
valis: You don't rewrite Shakespeare!
bookw: You don't like Gus! *pouts*
aeryn: We might be able to trim it to a double X rating...
Mike: No, no---you---it's a family movie! A family movie! For children! It cannot be NC-17!
valis: Have you even read the report we wrote after the exhaustive focus groups we held?
Mike: I did, and let me explain to you that I don't think that we can get unbiased opinions from participants named snapesforte, eloisasnape, and gina_r_snape.
bookw: Eloisa always brings a treat for Gus.
valis: I think that you'll find our work is impeachable.
Mike: I'd call it irredeemable. And immoral.
aeryn: Aw, do you want us to write you into the Slytherin Love Boudoir?
Mike: This meeting is at an end. Rewrite it, ladies, and remember, it's called Harry Potter for a reason. Snape is in the background! *leaves*
bookw: What a spoilsport!
*snapesforte turns off disillusionment charm*
snapesforte: I'll go hex him.

Comments

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah....babbeee.... Definately widescreen...and possibly 3D... *hunts for glasses*