The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Death Eaters

[valis2]

1. Pay attention. You never know when someone might admit that they aren't really a pure-blood, that they think the masks are quite gauche, or that in the privacy of their manor they like to roll around naked in piles of Toothflossing Stringmints.


2. Be proactive. Death Eater meeting coming up? Make certain your robe is pressed, your mask is polished, and your flask is topped off with Ogden's Old well before the Revels begin. Dungeon full of Dark Magic naughtiness? A few extra steps, and any Auror investigating your home will find themselves in St. Mungo's with a head full of chicken feathers.
   
   Just don't get too proactive. The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy."


3. Strategize. Obtaining a case of Ashwinder eggs might be beneficial to you in the short term, but think how much more you'll gain if you share your spoils. Snape might finally give you that Libido Booster potion you've always wanted.


4. Prioritize. Muggle-baiting, herding giants, researching new hexes...a Death Eater's work is never done! But if you take the time to carefully list your goals, you'll figure out which ones need to be done first. Prioritizing will enable you to pick the best target when presented with a group of Order members. The werewolf? The Minister's secretary? You'll know, and be able to act. You don't want to be known as the flaky, indecisive Death Eater, do you?


5. Be an effective team member. Learn how to cooperate with your fellow Death Eaters and turn their strengths to your advantage. After all, one Death Eater can't limbo all by herself. Know the individuals on your team, and keep a mental tally of their likes and dislikes. Bellatrix will assist you in any Muggle-stomping, but should you try to enlist her in your new pyramid scheme, she'll probably turn you into a slug. Need something heavy lifted? Lucius won't give you the time of day, but might let you borrow Goyle.


6. Enrich your mind. Really effective Death Eaters are always working hard on their next objective. Researching Dark Magic, gathering information about new targets, practising new methods of avoiding Bellatrix when she's inebriated...you'll find that the path to learning is also the path to renewal. Spending even a little time reading about obscure defensive spells can pay off in the future when the Dark Lord realizes that you've been spiking the Death Eater punchbowl with Libido Booster.


7. Keep your eye on the goal. If you approach each decision with your mind focused on your mission, you'll be able to see clearly the paths you need to take. Create your future one step at a time. In no time at all, Voldemort will be serving you.

ETA: ICONS! Here! Thank you, digopheliadug!

ETA2: More icons! Here! Thank you, panders14!

Comments

[dark-cygnet.livejournal.com]

::adds list to pda:: Excellent! With this advice i should move up from jr. executive death eater to chairman of the board. Bwahahaha!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Go for it! But watch out for the glass ceiling. *giggles*

[mysduende.livejournal.com]

LOL. Me likes. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You're climbing the ladder quickly, I bet!

[chrysantza.livejournal.com]

LOL! *applauds*

Alas, far too many fangirls have spiked the DE punch with Libido Booster.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

That booster comes in handy, doesn't it...*giggles*

[cordelia_v]

The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy."

It's a good thing that I'd swallowed my mouthful of soda, before I read that.

This is dead funny. Did you cross-post this to tickle_me_harry?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Nope, haven't heard of that comm! Will investigate, thank you! :)

[agatha-s.livejournal.com]

The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy."

Oops... :(

Thank you for your advice! I'm adding it to my memories!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Ooh, it's in your memories! w00t! ;)

[aramintasnape.livejournal.com]

*dies*

*Ahem* I mean, yes, am taking note for next Dark Revel ;))

[valis2.livejournal.com]

haha! Yes, be prepared---and avoid the punchbowl!

[conuly]

Can I metaquote you?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, sure! I'd be honored. ;)

[digopheliadug.livejournal.com]

I'm here by way of metaquotes, and I was wondering if you'd mind if I made "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Death Eaters" quote icons. I would, of course, link back to you. They're so funny! They must be iconed!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, please! I'd be honored! Thanks so much!

[shighola.livejournal.com]

You don't want to be known as the flaky, indecisive Death Eater, do you?
Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those were wonderful!
Just perfect.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed them! Ha, love your icon!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_xanthia/]

'Nother metaquoteser. V. amusing. No, this list, or something like it, has already passed through my brain. Only I never had the clever words to make it cool and funny so people would like it. A well, at least it can go in my memories. :D

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Glad you liked! *does dance of joy*

[larilee.livejournal.com]

I worked for that company before. I know I did. Wonderful job!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You poor thing! :)

Thank you!

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

*thumbs-up, giggling*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *dances and throws confetti*

[snapesforte.livejournal.com]

Brilliant. We should print this out on glossy green paper, and hand out pamphlets to all the Death Eaters (anonymously, of course). Beats those silly purple Ministry things. ;-)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glossy green paper---squee!! With the Dark Mark as the watermark! *laughs*

I love bringing the Ministry pamphlets to the meetings and laughing about them...

[busaikko]

Brilliant! Lovely! Life-affirming! Improved my love life! Made me a more effective Death Eater! Boosted my libido! Bless you!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahaha! Glad you liked! :)

[absurdwords.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHA!

Some of this (Pay attention, because everyone who calls you may be a potential victim customer, enrich your mind,...) sounds like what I heard on my first day at my work. I'm working for Voldemort. *fllails*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

haha! I always giggle whenever I read those "inspirational" posters...I mean, yes, they do make sense, but at the same time they're rather amusing.

Don't drink from the punchbowl!

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

That was fun to read! You beat Covey easily! Thank you for making me laugh so much at the end of the day. :-)

Just don't get too proactive. The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy."

I will try to remember this when I am berating myself on being too lazy. Over-achievement can be sooo bad for your personal health.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! So glad you liked them. This was a fun one to put together.

[athenakt.livejournal.com]

Dammit! I should just be done with it and put all of your links in my memories. Alas. Well, I knew there was a reason I friended you; I shall make do with that instead. Bravo! *applause*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Why, thank you so much! :) You're so sweet.

I am still working on that h/c entry. It is going to be quite large...I'm pretty excited about it!

[aidenfire]

Ahahah. Nice. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

;) Glad you liked it.

[svz-insanity.livejournal.com]

Came here via daily_snitch and these are hilarious.

The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy." That made me choke on my tea. ^^ *adds to memories*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hee! Sorry about the tea.

That line was turned into an icon here (http://www.livejournal.com/community/dig_my_icons/8105.html) if you're interested, btw.

[kittykmae.livejournal.com]

Gah.

I took a childhood development class for part of my "practical art" credit. The teacher spent three or four weeks of the one-semester class teaching that accursed book. (She never bothered trying to relate it to the subject, either. *shrugs* That teacher was possibly the worst I've had yet.)

But I liked your version :) Too bad she didn't teach it instead.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Stephen Covey is pretty damned popular. When I worked at a bookstore everybody would ask for his books.

Sounds like a horrible class! It does seem like it would be more entertaining with a bit of the Dark Lord's motivational methods...

[wakuchan.livejournal.com]

How to Succeed in Death Eating Without Really Trying XD
Awesome list! *wandered in through icon post*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

haha! That's a great title too!

[eldritchhobbit.livejournal.com]

Wandered in through the icon post - this is such a hoot! Great job.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it! I had a lot of fun writing it, that's for certain.

[panders14.livejournal.com]

Haha, so awesome. I've added it to my memories. Would you mind if I made icons from this? I would of course link back to you and everything.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked! And I'd be honored. Somebody did make some icons from it, but there's always room for more, I'm sure. :)

[morcherry87.livejournal.com]

pure brilliance!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks so much! :)

[shiny-crystal.livejournal.com]

Aw, that was great *saves this*

The Dark Lord might not be appreciative if you kill Harry Potter and then wander into Headquarters saying, "Well, that was easy."
*falls off her chair laughing*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Hee! Glad you liked it. ;)