Just a whiny entry.

[valis2]

I am feeling down right now. I have been for a couple days, and it's just getting...well...downier. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, like everything I've done is wrong. I've been feeling extra paranoid the last few days. I'm trying to just shrug it off as the usual hormonal influx before Aunt Martha arrives, but for some reason I just feel icky and tense. I'm freaked out about people moving in above my apartment...that they're going to be noisy or nasty or something, and I'm here for two more years. I'm not happy about being here for two more years either. I don't like some of the people who moved into the building (farther down). I kind of wish I had moved. The apartment is a big mess. It's not the worst it's been, and it isn't at the "trails" level, but it's not great.

I feel icky because this great woman I know was just punched in the head by one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. I'm freaking because even though she hit him back they are still connected (not by a romantic relationship). I really can't say that I hate people very often, but I really hate him, and this whole situation is a powder keg, and he just took it up a notch by striking her, and she just told me, and I'm still trying to come down from the complete anger I felt an hour ago.

I'm just feeling weird and unhappy. I had five days off, but I really didn't get much done. I did see my family, which was wonderful, and met up with a co-worker from Waldenhell (and that was wonderful too), but otherwise, I feel pretty adrift. By the end of the five days I became pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!

It's just one of those waaaangsty days. Yeah, I sound like I'm melting down, and I am, a little bit. But it's just a lower dip in the cycle than normal, I think. And don't think that you have to respond with hugs and stuff. I'm just unloading, and it makes me feel a teeny bit better just to have written it down, and to know you're all out there, abstract as you might be.

And tomorrow I'll be back to singing songs about wombats, I know.

Comments

[whitemunin.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a meltdown isn't necessarily a bad thing. Cry it out, scream into your pillow, rant here on LJ - whatever will bring down the stress and anxiety.

As for the guilt of taking a day off, shut it down. Everyone deserves to treat their days off as exactly that, days off. I'm off this week. I did some laundry and cooked supper, a fraction of what I do on a normal workday. The rest was spent writing a little fanfiction, surfing the net and watching some TV. I used to feel guilty about slacking off, even though I busted my ass all year to earn the vacation time. Now I just enjoy it. If you feel the guilt creep up on you, just take a cue from the author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff who said "When you die, your in-box won't be empty."

Enjoy the moment, enjoy the day. Forget about the neighbors and the apartment. Get out and treat yourself.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sweet words.

I'm really trying to get into the relaxing frame of mind more often, but it's hard. I end up thinking about what I "should" be doing, and I feel guilty so easily.

I'm sure that tomorrow I'll be back to normal, singing songs about Bellatrix to Blondie melodies, but for tonight I'm feeling a bit blue.