Just a whiny entry.

[valis2]

I am feeling down right now. I have been for a couple days, and it's just getting...well...downier. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, like everything I've done is wrong. I've been feeling extra paranoid the last few days. I'm trying to just shrug it off as the usual hormonal influx before Aunt Martha arrives, but for some reason I just feel icky and tense. I'm freaked out about people moving in above my apartment...that they're going to be noisy or nasty or something, and I'm here for two more years. I'm not happy about being here for two more years either. I don't like some of the people who moved into the building (farther down). I kind of wish I had moved. The apartment is a big mess. It's not the worst it's been, and it isn't at the "trails" level, but it's not great.

I feel icky because this great woman I know was just punched in the head by one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. I'm freaking because even though she hit him back they are still connected (not by a romantic relationship). I really can't say that I hate people very often, but I really hate him, and this whole situation is a powder keg, and he just took it up a notch by striking her, and she just told me, and I'm still trying to come down from the complete anger I felt an hour ago.

I'm just feeling weird and unhappy. I had five days off, but I really didn't get much done. I did see my family, which was wonderful, and met up with a co-worker from Waldenhell (and that was wonderful too), but otherwise, I feel pretty adrift. By the end of the five days I became pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!

It's just one of those waaaangsty days. Yeah, I sound like I'm melting down, and I am, a little bit. But it's just a lower dip in the cycle than normal, I think. And don't think that you have to respond with hugs and stuff. I'm just unloading, and it makes me feel a teeny bit better just to have written it down, and to know you're all out there, abstract as you might be.

And tomorrow I'll be back to singing songs about wombats, I know.

Comments

[aerynstales.livejournal.com]

Well whether you want them or not...

HUGS!!!!

I understand the feelings...but trust me when I say, they do get better. And always feel free to IM me and unload. :D

MORE HUGS!!!!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, you're so sweet! Thank you. *hugs*

[dark-cygnet.livejournal.com]

and don't think that you have to respond with hugs and stuff

How about some swansmooches, then?

smoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmoochsmooch!

[whitemunin.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a meltdown isn't necessarily a bad thing. Cry it out, scream into your pillow, rant here on LJ - whatever will bring down the stress and anxiety.

As for the guilt of taking a day off, shut it down. Everyone deserves to treat their days off as exactly that, days off. I'm off this week. I did some laundry and cooked supper, a fraction of what I do on a normal workday. The rest was spent writing a little fanfiction, surfing the net and watching some TV. I used to feel guilty about slacking off, even though I busted my ass all year to earn the vacation time. Now I just enjoy it. If you feel the guilt creep up on you, just take a cue from the author of Don't Sweat the Small Stuff who said "When you die, your in-box won't be empty."

Enjoy the moment, enjoy the day. Forget about the neighbors and the apartment. Get out and treat yourself.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aww! Swansmooches are such lovely things. Like feathers! Thank you.

*lionsmooches*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the sweet words.

I'm really trying to get into the relaxing frame of mind more often, but it's hard. I end up thinking about what I "should" be doing, and I feel guilty so easily.

I'm sure that tomorrow I'll be back to normal, singing songs about Bellatrix to Blondie melodies, but for tonight I'm feeling a bit blue.

[furiosity.livejournal.com]

*hugs you in a totally abstract fashion*

Have some chocolate. *nods*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks, that's actually a great idea. ;) *returns abstract hug*

[charliesmum.livejournal.com]

Well, if not hugs, how about some sympathetic nods and shoulder pats?

Abstract or not, I'm here for you. At least, I hope I can be.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks. :) You guys are making me feel better. Good LJ vibes and all that. ;)

[musigneus.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* Abstract as we are, we are here!

From what you've said about work, it sounds as if most (all?) of your work is self-directed (as is mine, except for the existence of immutable deadlines). I think that can make it tough to take time off and relax - the work day's only over when you say it is, and since there's always more to do, it's hard to say that it's time to rest!

I hope things work out with your friend and her situation, and I hope your new neighbors are inoffensive. Hang in there!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

:) Hopefully after Lumos a lot of you will be a lot less abstract!

Yeah, I just never understand in my head that the work can wait. It often seems like I should just be doing something all the time.

Thanks for the kind wishes! :)

[chrysantza.livejournal.com]

Hufflepuff *hugs* and purrs from my kitty girls. Sometimes it feels good just to wangst and vent and we are here for you.

Have a chocolate covered werewolf and that will make you feel EVEN better!

[musigneus.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I just never understand in my head that the work can wait. It often seems like I should just be doing something all the time.
Oh, I can definitely sympathize with that! I often feel guilty that I'm spending time on fandom stuff when I "should" be working. On the other hand, it helps keep me sane! Relatively, anyway... ;)

As for Lumos, oh, it looks more tempting all the time!

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

First things first -- HUGS!!! There's no such thing as not needing a good hug ;-)

Next - think about the timing of this slump you've entered. There may be good reason why it's happening now. You're a crafts person; your summer season just ended. (And yes, I kinow that it's autumn, but as a fellow merchant I understand that our summer selling season actually tends to run from Memorial Day to mid-October. *g*) Your body has finally caught up to the reality that the summer mad-scramble of making product and running to shows is over. So guess what - it's time for a little bout of 'let's just collapse and do nothing for while'. No big surprise there. (and I go through a similar letdown myself each year...)

Stop sweating about the whole 'apartment is a messy disaster' situation. So long as the clutter piles aren't stacked so high that they pose a falling-debris danger, and the kitchen doesn't become a biohazard site, then relax!

Your body is telling you it needs a vacation -- your mind simply hasn't caught up with that fact yet. So, for a little bit, kick back, nibble down some premium chocolate truffles, and indulge in a few guilty-pleasure paperbacks to read.

[cactus-wren.livejournal.com]

Many (((((hugs)))))) anyways. Hope tomorrow is a better day. I am sorry to hear about your friend, I hope the situation gets fixed before any further violence occurs.

And if it makes you feel any better, my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!
I am always behind. So you could be like me, and have that voice constantly wanking at you! *gives that voice the finger and ignores it as always*

[imadra-blue.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel all too well about being down. Being manic, I'm always up and down. You're perfectly within your rights. *hugs* But remember we love you!

[snapesforte.livejournal.com]

I was insanely bored for about two weeks, and I didn't feel like doing anything at all, because everything was so very boring... And then - it just went away. I remember, though, that the same thing happened to me last year.

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

*offers hugs and chocolate*

[kleio-the-muse.livejournal.com]

Right there with you, love. Been having those kinds of days for a while now, and the only thing that really helps is venting. Honestly, I'm the master of keeping it bottled inside, but when the time of breaking comes, as it inevitably does, it's one nasty scene. So you just pour it all out. That's why we're here:)

Also, I completely understand the neighbour thing. I'm a very private and quiet person, and it distresses me enormously if the people living next to me being noisy. I consider it intrusive, like they're invading my personal space, and it's a source of great anxiety for a freak like me. But now that I've actually talked with my noisy neighbour (just yesterday, in fact), I'm feeling so much better, not to mention a bit silly about making such a big deal out of it. He was very nice about it all and simply hadn't thought that the music etc. was really that loud, and gave me his phone number so that I can call whenever the noise gets unbearable.

I'm fairly sure there's a lesson in there somewhere. *g*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Mmm! *checks back of package* Who knew chocolate covered werewolves were so tasty AND nutritious?

Thanks, sweetie. *hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Heh...you understand me so well! I have no craft shows for the rest of the year...just a couple merchandise shows, and I am wishing that I had booked some craft shows as well. I have a couple months with very few responsibilities other than the usual day job stuff.

EBay is heating up a little, and I'm hoping that it will keep me busy for a while.

The kitchen actually looks pretty nice. I like having a clean kitchen/bathroom. Or, at the very least, uncluttered. It's the living room/office I worry about! I'm still trying to reorganize and the process is going to take some time. At least I have a couple months where I'm not out of town every other week.

Thanks for the hugs and the perspective. *hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Ha!

There's a song by Peter Gabriel about "that voice I hear" and I always empathize strongly.

I really hope the situation somehow gets fixed as well, but I have little hope of that. It's a thirty year old problem, and who knows where it will all end up. Worrisome.

*hugs* Thank you!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, you're so sweet! I love you guys too. *hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Y'know, the more days off I have in a row, the more bored/agitated I get, until I'm just about useless.

The refresh button gets a workout then, I tell you. ;)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks so much! *unwraps chocolate Palpatines* *hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I can't hear the people next to me due to the awesome power of the Walls of Doom, but I can hear the people above me. The floor creaks, and you can hear voices but not words. It hasn't been awful, I've been lucky, but I'm really worried about the next set of neighbors. If they have a kid or a dog I'll hear it all the time. wah.

Yeah, the venting definitely helped. And the sweet comments helped too. *hugs* Thank you.

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

It's days like these that I think skeet shooting might be rather therapeutic. Shall we?

[aramintasnape.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

Could it be the change in season? I have been feeling crappy and disorganised, etc. for a week or two, but the last couple of days or so I've felt a lot more positive. I hope you do soon!

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Sorry you are feeling down. It's something I understand. I have down years (getting my meds changed.)

Especially sorry to hear about the problem with the nice woman and the asshole who hit her. Jerk.

Hope you are soon singing about wombats and mangoes.

[athenakt.livejournal.com]

Doesn't matter if we don't have to respond with hugs and stuff; we'll still do so.

Hugs and chocolate!

I've found that those two things will cure the majority of my wangsty ills. Other aides are fresh air, sunlight and fanfic. ;)

[logospilgrim.livejournal.com]

~I became pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!~

My dearest Valis,

I understand completely. Sometimes it is so difficult to do nothing, and yet it seems nothing is about the only thing that one can accomplish. But such times pass, and you know, it is necessary to learn to do nothing. To be, and not do. A hard lesson indeed! However, it teaches us to be free from the tyranny of the mind.

I hope with all my heart that you are feeling more at peace today, and wish you tender peace.

*robed embrace*

[zakkati.livejournal.com]

I realise I'm rather late with this, but you are welcome to come round to my house, eat chocolate, drink wine and watch 'Mummy' re-runs anytime you feel low!

((hugs n squidges))

X

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I just read your entry and immediately wanted to hug you, hand you a nice cup of tea and some wonderful chocolate brownies. I know that I don't have to. I just want to! May I?

pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!

This is so familiar to me it almost hurts. I know from past experience that hugs - in all their virtual or physical appearance - are just what I need to feel better. Someone who tells me: IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO RELAX! The trick is

a) It has to be done by a person other than myself.
b) If I have to tell this myself, I also need to tell myself that true perfection is to know everything - even about imperfection and hanging around.

Still, I prefer a) to b).

To stay active and powerful and everything like that it is absolutely necessary to recharge your battery. You will be even more effective doing this if you can enjoy your recreation time without a bad conscience.

I hope you feel better soon! Otherwise we should time travel into next year and hunt some chocolate easter bunnies - just to 'waste' and enjoy a bit more time on doing something trivial like buying chocolate.

I like your song with all its themes and tunes. *curious about wombats*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I have a feeling that the skeet would look quite familiar...*laughs*

PULL!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you so much! You're so sweet.

Yeah, I'm a little sad about the upcoming cold weather, I have to admit. :(

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Hope you are soon singing about wombats and mangoes.

The feeling is mutual. ;)

Thanks!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You're so sweet! Even in the middle of your own troubles you found a moment to say such nice things.

Thank you so much! *hugs* The chocolate is much appreciated.

[kitschicat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, something like the lovely folks on the cover of one of my favorite books?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much for the lovely thoughts. I appreciate it greatly. *hugs* You're very sweet to wish me well, thank you. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

With an invitation like that I'll be in your living room tomorrow! *laughs*

You're awesome. *hugs in return*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO RELAX!

*grins* Yeah, I know. And I can hear it a hundred times. It's just convincing the mind to go along with it that's difficult!

And if I'm time traveling, I'm going to do a lot more than grab some chocolate bunnies! *laughs*

There will be a wombat song soon, I promise. As soon as I can remember what song I was going to set it to. ;)

Thank you!

[ms-hecubus.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, kiddo. Remember, it's only 9 days until P&P and 17 until GoF!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Yes, of course! I'm geeked for both.

I almost feel like I should re-read P&P. It's been ages.

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

Convincing someone else - takes your time for a good talk.
Convincing yourself - can take your lifetime.
That's why we need friends.

Good to read you are laughing again :-)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

*working on the wombat song*

:)

Aunt Martha

[bookwench2096.livejournal.com]

Is SUCH a bitch. She spent a week here, and had me flying off the handle, imagining horrible fates, making me cry at the change of the wind, and generally making life miserable.

it is ALL HER FAULT. it is NOT you. YOU are fabulous.

I know what you're going through.....God Help us both--but I know you'll come out of this singing of wonderous wombats and whistling winsome willowy works of Wagner...

(wait a second....)

Yes, you'll come out of this just fine. Am I sure?

ABSOLUTELY!!

(whaaaahh!!!)

Bookwenchy smooches w/a side of chips on!

[bookwench2096.livejournal.com]

Hey, can I come too?

I'll bring the popcorn!!

Re: Aunt Martha

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You are too amusing, dahling. *lionsmooches*

That Aunt Martha, however, is not amusing at all.

And I would never sing about wombats! How frivolous.

*laughs*