Just a whiny entry.
Nov. 1st, 2005 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2I am feeling down right now. I have been for a couple days, and it's just getting...well...downier. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything, like everything I've done is wrong. I've been feeling extra paranoid the last few days. I'm trying to just shrug it off as the usual hormonal influx before Aunt Martha arrives, but for some reason I just feel icky and tense. I'm freaked out about people moving in above my apartment...that they're going to be noisy or nasty or something, and I'm here for two more years. I'm not happy about being here for two more years either. I don't like some of the people who moved into the building (farther down). I kind of wish I had moved. The apartment is a big mess. It's not the worst it's been, and it isn't at the "trails" level, but it's not great.
I feel icky because this great woman I know was just punched in the head by one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. I'm freaking because even though she hit him back they are still connected (not by a romantic relationship). I really can't say that I hate people very often, but I really hate him, and this whole situation is a powder keg, and he just took it up a notch by striking her, and she just told me, and I'm still trying to come down from the complete anger I felt an hour ago.
I'm just feeling weird and unhappy. I had five days off, but I really didn't get much done. I did see my family, which was wonderful, and met up with a co-worker from Waldenhell (and that was wonderful too), but otherwise, I feel pretty adrift. By the end of the five days I became pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!
It's just one of those waaaangsty days. Yeah, I sound like I'm melting down, and I am, a little bit. But it's just a lower dip in the cycle than normal, I think. And don't think that you have to respond with hugs and stuff. I'm just unloading, and it makes me feel a teeny bit better just to have written it down, and to know you're all out there, abstract as you might be.
And tomorrow I'll be back to singing songs about wombats, I know.
I feel icky because this great woman I know was just punched in the head by one of the biggest assholes I've ever met. I'm freaking because even though she hit him back they are still connected (not by a romantic relationship). I really can't say that I hate people very often, but I really hate him, and this whole situation is a powder keg, and he just took it up a notch by striking her, and she just told me, and I'm still trying to come down from the complete anger I felt an hour ago.
I'm just feeling weird and unhappy. I had five days off, but I really didn't get much done. I did see my family, which was wonderful, and met up with a co-worker from Waldenhell (and that was wonderful too), but otherwise, I feel pretty adrift. By the end of the five days I became pretty anxious because I really wasn't doing anything except the things that needed to be done and a bit more here and there. I really need to get it through my head that a day spent doing nothing is still a day, and it's not a failure, and I don't have to part the Red Sea every week, but it's hard because my head is always shouting, look! at the things! all the things that need to be done! you're so behind!
It's just one of those waaaangsty days. Yeah, I sound like I'm melting down, and I am, a little bit. But it's just a lower dip in the cycle than normal, I think. And don't think that you have to respond with hugs and stuff. I'm just unloading, and it makes me feel a teeny bit better just to have written it down, and to know you're all out there, abstract as you might be.
And tomorrow I'll be back to singing songs about wombats, I know.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-02 07:11 pm (UTC)This is so familiar to me it almost hurts. I know from past experience that hugs - in all their virtual or physical appearance - are just what I need to feel better. Someone who tells me: IT IS PERFECTLY OK TO RELAX! The trick is
a) It has to be done by a person other than myself.
b) If I have to tell this myself, I also need to tell myself that true perfection is to know everything - even about imperfection and hanging around.
Still, I prefer a) to b).
To stay active and powerful and everything like that it is absolutely necessary to recharge your battery. You will be even more effective doing this if you can enjoy your recreation time without a bad conscience.
I hope you feel better soon! Otherwise we should time travel into next year and hunt some chocolate easter bunnies - just to 'waste' and enjoy a bit more time on doing something trivial like buying chocolate.
I like your song with all its themes and tunes. *curious about wombats*
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-02 09:59 pm (UTC)*grins* Yeah, I know. And I can hear it a hundred times. It's just convincing the mind to go along with it that's difficult!
And if I'm time traveling, I'm going to do a lot more than grab some chocolate bunnies! *laughs*
There will be a wombat song soon, I promise. As soon as I can remember what song I was going to set it to. ;)
Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-02 11:03 pm (UTC)Convincing yourself - can take your lifetime.
That's why we need friends.
Good to read you are laughing again :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-02 11:07 pm (UTC):)