Been awhile since I remembered to check my server-based email...

[valis2]

Best subject line:

slither buttermilk irredeemable

---
Crude yet vexing living structure most likely to receive writing awards:

waspish hut Shakespeare
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Most likely to be turned into an Off-Broadway play about a transgendered individual:

and hob the coarsen congresswomen be schoolmarm
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Most unattractive pick-up technique ever:

A-200 Lice Treatment flirtation
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Most insistent:

uplift ! bill goose thorn !
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Creepiest:

How have you been?

After class, I'm stopping by your place so I can show you this terrific
e-shop.

My deepest love,

Ediah

I'm very sorry to inform you of this, Ediah (and you are not my deepest love (that belongs to fried chicken)), but when you stop by you will most likely become very thoroughly acquainted with Miss I Am Dialing The Police.
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Most unlikely that I ever sent the original email, according to referenced subject line:

Re: Be spend to excrement
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Most likely to appeal to sportfisherman:

results in the Perch folder
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This:

suction and bloodshot, not Rockie

...contained this bit of poetry:

house had been like itself since i had left it
I am sure I am not like myself when I am away
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I wait by snooper

You will be waiting a very long time. With a high degree of probability that you will be caught.
---
Two-word combinations that have never been made in English before until this spam email:

gallium caterwaul
roundworm enmity I am now picturing the Great Roundworm War, complete with polearms.
fibrous skeptic
deed tampon
chartres roulette
democracy krishna
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"Daisy" and "Flossie" are both encouraging me to Be flashy. That is exactly the kind of advice I would expect from ladies named Daisy and Flossie. I'm certain they are very much hoping that tonight I will stop at the Giant Sequin Megastore.
---
Most descriptive:

you swim be ant jeweled
Sounds like a Tarzan command to me. And who wouldn't want to be ant jeweled?
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Lovely high end items. See what they look like.

Yes, I am unlikely to have ever seen a high end item before, because I am such a low class individual.
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Most in need of a visit to a physician's office:

Re: in cough a discipline slug
---
I called you on phone

And I deleted you in email. Now we're even.

Comments

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Is this why you never answer my emails?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

How did I miss this comment? Weird.

Apparently not only do I not answer, I pull out the subject lines and mock them as well. What the hell kind of friend am I?

macaroni lampshade notebook!

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

What the hell kind of friend am I?

A terrible, horrible, no-good one!

Shrimp philandering warhammer

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I knew it all along! I'm going to defriend myself.

[lfire1.livejournal.com]

Grrrrrr....hate Hate HATE Spam mail!!
Still...on the plus side... if it comes up with something as good as....

roundworm enmity I am now picturing the Great Roundworm War, complete with polearms.

*snort* Cry havoc, and let slip the worms of war!!
For God, Loamland and St.Wriggly!! Charge!!

*commence really slow advance*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

The worms of war! bwahahahah!!! Priceless.

*commence really slow advance*

snort!! hysterical.

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

wow, I should start going through my spam folder. But I am just a little tired of being sold penis enlargements.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

For some reason I get 428796205986 emails for Viagra and something called Cialis. Only the occasional penis enlargement ploy.

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

Just checked current contents of spam folder:

2 emails selling me viagra
1 email selling me ahem, genuine Rolex watches

and the following little gem:

SPUR-M is an omnipotent formula. It increases sperm production by 500%.

Q.: Why would I want to increase my sperm production?
A.: By increasing the amount of sperm you will automatically experience much longer orgasms, which are more intensive and satisfying.

Q.: What do other benefits include?
A.: Powerful ejacalutions, rock hard erections, increased desire.

So if ever I want to increase my sperm count (which at the moment stands at a very happy zero), I know what to do, don't I?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Well, who doesn't want to increase their sperm count? That's one of my highest aspirations.

[agatha-s.livejournal.com]

Why is my spam never entertaining?

Re: in cough a discipline slug

That's not spam -- that was obviously Ron Weasley's e-mail sent to you by mistake!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

hahah! I should have known after the last one:

dance partner tabby cat

;)

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

...contained this bit of poetry:

house had been like itself since i had left it
I am sure I am not like myself when I am away

That bit was rather lovely. Or these fumes are starting to get to me from the nearby Wormwar trenches. ;)

These were great!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Worm War III. Coming soon. To a vegetable garden near you.

I did like the unconscious poetry bit, too.

[randomspectator.livejournal.com]

This part caused my flatmates some alarm when I starting having uncontrollable hysterics-

"Daisy" and "Flossie" are both encouraging me to Be flashy. That is exactly the kind of advice I would expect from ladies named Daisy and Flossie.

Bwahahahah! I love these posts dearly.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I hope that no one was so alarmed that they sprayed you with a fire hose, because that can be rather inconvenient, especially if you are logged in at the time.