New layout.

[valis2]

Same old dementia.

I'm in the "overwhelmed" portion of the hormones program right now. Two days a month I feel like the world is crushing me and I have so many things to do and I get very very anxious because I'm not doing anything I should be doing and I feel this horrible time deficiency that makes me mental. (And of course, what do I do? Play on the internet.)

I mean, seriously, as good as the internet has been for my writing, it has really wreaked havoc on the rest of my life, if I'm being honest (er, perhaps over-honest, I'm in melodrama mode, remember). I haven't been crafting, really, I haven't been working on my website, and I keep doing just the bare minimum that needs to be done. Sure, I used to spend hours upon hours playing video games, and I've always had this propensity to put things off until the last minute, but this has been a bigger drain than anything before, even counting Civilization on the Amiga.

I hate doing the "I'm going to make myself stick to a schedule" thing. I hate saying "I will only be online for 2.6 hours tonight". Part of what I do on the computer is eBay stuff, which is totally business related, and of course then there's the whole photo thing...I need to burn a bunch of photos and do a few other odds and ends online. So I can't totally regiment it, and I'm not good with that anyway.

Still, I wish I could squeak out even five hours of crafting a week. Maybe five hours of doing proactive business things.

I think it comes down to the fact that I'm away so often. I become totally jealous of my home time, and I want to spend it doing things I enjoy very much, and just the thought of working while I'm at home sometimes fills me with...sadness? dread? I don't know. I do love working at home, eBay has been the best thing evah...

I think I have to change the way I browse, honestly. I have this OCD thing that goes along with Firefox. I always have four tabs open, two for email, one for eBay, and one for the fpage, and as I discover stories/entries to comment upon/cool links I open them in their own tabs, and deal with them one at a time. The problem happens when I have too many tabs open, and I feel like it's "unfinished". When only the basic four are open, I can run away with impunity and come back an hour or two later because I feel bored and then I remember the other things I have to do. When more tabs are opened, I feel like I have to be doing something with them, yet I only end up adding more tabs as I clear older ones out, which makes it more difficult to get away from.

Okay, enough babble. I need to hit UPS, and then hang out with bookwench2096 for the first time in ages. Something social, for once, hooray!

Comments

[zoepaleologa.livejournal.com]

The layout is very classy.

Perhaps you are just trying to do too much of everything and consequently flailing? It sounds familiar territory.

Why not grab a bit of genuine "me-time" (ie, doing the sort of stuff you did before you joined interwebs anonymous. Like read a real book, written by someone for pay, watch a series of really good movies, take the most decadent bubble bath followed by a top to toe self-pamper programme, and finish with a glass or two of nice wine (or your personal favourite).

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

You do seem to have a pretty horrendous schedule. Perhaps you should schedule your 'me' time and not feel guilty about it? That way when you've got stuff to do, you won't feel so much like you're always working, working, working, and when you play it is easier to relax because there is no guilt.

I have to say, my life is a lot more organized, my house cleaner, and I spend more quality time with the kids since I moved and left my computer behind.

[gina-r-snape.livejournal.com]

Pssssst. Happy birthday!

Reading your LJ entry, first thing I thought was "good thing she doesn't have a crackberry."

Have fun with your social outing. :-)

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

A sunflower for a happy day! *points to icon*

Your words about free time and hating to schedule it ring so true to me. I have the same problem these days, and I also though about spending too much time on the internet, LJ especially. With all that reading and commenting and even trying to write, I'm running out of time so easily. My aikido suffers, my phone time with my boyfriend suffers, all in all I feel a bit more anti-social these days. And I really enjoy the time on LJ, because it's just wonderful to talk to all those people without having to justify something like being in fandom, or writing fanfics.

And yes, it is harder if you are away from home. Because there is this extensive need to catch up when you come home.

Your observation about the tabs is interesting. I tend to open so many of them that they start feeling like an obligation to me. So maybe this is actually a chance to slow things down. I also try to tell myself that I don't *have to* comment on every story I read, but I know that I like to get comments as well, so I try to comment. And then I switch to "I will only read one author at a time" mode, which doesn't work *at all*! Lol. I'm crazy, as you can easily see. :-)

I will have to schedule my time, at least until November, when I will have an aikido test. At some time in July I took a look at my seminar planer and thought, "Well, this year is over". This is such a stupid thing to think, because, hell, I'm talking about six months of my life. And I don't just want them to pass into the hell of overworked non-existence.

I guess I'm in the same "overwhelmed" mode today. *blushes* Sorry for all that unrelated wailing here in your place, but your post really struck a nerve.

*hugs*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Glad you like the layout. Someone mentioned that the old one was hard to read, which I didn't realize, so I'm glad I changed, though it was a bit confusing at first.

Yeah, I need to get back to my original Make A List And Do The Stuff Damnit method, I think.

I'd feel selfish taking more me-time, honestly...I'm already so behind. heh. But I do take a bit of time here and there to do things, honestly.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have a feeling that the computer is causing more mayhem than I want to admit. Problem is, it's tied into writing, eBay, and website stuff, and I just don't want to cut it down too much; I just want to be able to get away every so often and actually get other things done. Sometimes I just really get locked in for hours, and then I get all unhappy because nothing physical has been done.

So I think I need to look at my browsing habits. I have a feeling that it's because I was gone for awhile and therefore I'm a bit behind, because when I'm home it doesn't seem like such a difficulty.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness I don't have one. I would never interact face to face with anyone ever again. ha!

I did have a great time, thanks!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Aw, thanks for the sunflower!

Everything you say rings true for me as well. Too true, in fact! I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed, yet instead of doing rational, proactive things to remove the excess stress, I do what I've always done: wait until the last minute and scramble to get things done. I'm really starting to get irritated by this lifestyle, though. Seriously.

Part of what hinders me is perfectionism. Whatever I need to get done, I think I should do in the safest and most efficient and most thorough manner. Which means I never do anything, because I'm still considering the best method, and then at the very last moment I spring into action and do it, though not as well as I should have. It's very frustrating.

I open tabs, and I hate "missing out" on good writing, so now I just bookmark stories sometimes to take some of the pressure off and close tabs.

However, essays and fandom stuff needs to be read and discussed sooner, so that stuff ends up lagging behind because I can't just bookmark it and read it later. (With stories, I think authors/artists don't care how late the feedback is.)

Thanks for your comments. It's good to know I'm not the only one like this! :)

[artystone.livejournal.com]

aw.

*pats emo!valis*

*comiserates*

*goes off to watch the otters*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Otters! Otters will make it alllll better.

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

From your journal so far, I never got the impression that you were procrastinating. You are leading such a busy life. I guess it's a perfectly normal reaction to seek out times where you relax and hang around.

Perfectionism can be a real hindrance. *nods* What annoys me to no end is that I tend to turn everything into an obligation. I start with something that is fun, and I end with a to do list and a project plan.

About two years ago I realised that this was blocking my work. I was procrastinating so much at that time, it was disturbing me a lot, because I always used to be on time with my plans when I was younger. I still got my things done, but I felt very bad about this "lagging behind my time schedule". Then, about one year ago, I realised that this was all a part of a bigger set: I needed more and regular creativity in my life, aside from performance. So I started to be more relaxed about taking time to write, and suddenly, I was writing stories instead of poems. Now, a year later, I feel that I start organising my creativity again, with lists and such.

It's like those two parts of my personality are still in a tug-of-war, instead of accepting each other's ability to care for me. Everything in life seems to come down to "balance" in the end. How can I organise my time into scheduled parts and free time? And how can I then switch from one part to the other? Is creativity something that can be scheduled? I hate the state I have now, because I don't get enough done, or at least not in the quality standard that I want it to have. And I bluntly refuse to let go of my writing again, like I did in all those years before. *clings to her stories*

I am determined to find a solution, and soon, because otherwise the rest of the year is going to kill me. I have often found that taking the time to plan is actually giving me a lot of time back, because I know where I'm going and why. Getting proactive. So maybe LJ wise that will mean concentrating on people instead of stories. I have also thought about concentrating on one author at a time and ignoring the rest. But then, it's so much fun to squee together with a friend over a well written story. And it's the illusion of a perfectionist to believe that I could read every good story and comment on it. In the end, it's the people that matter.

Again such a long comment. Thank you for listening. &hearts

[athenakt.livejournal.com]

Ugh, I'm so with you there. It's just so easy to reach for the mouse and open another browser/window for a website in the midst of doing work, just for a "short break". It's wonderful to be able to be online and actually be doing work...

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I like best the days where I have the focus needed to work on stuff and occasionally pop on the computer for a half hour here, an hour there. I get things done, and my mind has a little holiday every so often.

Truth be told, however, most of the days involve nonstop interneting. ha!