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Aug. 28th, 2006 01:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2Same old dementia.
I'm in the "overwhelmed" portion of the hormones program right now. Two days a month I feel like the world is crushing me and I have so many things to do and I get very very anxious because I'm not doing anything I should be doing and I feel this horrible time deficiency that makes me mental. (And of course, what do I do? Play on the internet.)
I mean, seriously, as good as the internet has been for my writing, it has really wreaked havoc on the rest of my life, if I'm being honest (er, perhaps over-honest, I'm in melodrama mode, remember). I haven't been crafting, really, I haven't been working on my website, and I keep doing just the bare minimum that needs to be done. Sure, I used to spend hours upon hours playing video games, and I've always had this propensity to put things off until the last minute, but this has been a bigger drain than anything before, even counting Civilization on the Amiga.
I hate doing the "I'm going to make myself stick to a schedule" thing. I hate saying "I will only be online for 2.6 hours tonight". Part of what I do on the computer is eBay stuff, which is totally business related, and of course then there's the whole photo thing...I need to burn a bunch of photos and do a few other odds and ends online. So I can't totally regiment it, and I'm not good with that anyway.
Still, I wish I could squeak out even five hours of crafting a week. Maybe five hours of doing proactive business things.
I think it comes down to the fact that I'm away so often. I become totally jealous of my home time, and I want to spend it doing things I enjoy very much, and just the thought of working while I'm at home sometimes fills me with...sadness? dread? I don't know. I do love working at home, eBay has been the best thing evah...
I think I have to change the way I browse, honestly. I have this OCD thing that goes along with Firefox. I always have four tabs open, two for email, one for eBay, and one for the fpage, and as I discover stories/entries to comment upon/cool links I open them in their own tabs, and deal with them one at a time. The problem happens when I have too many tabs open, and I feel like it's "unfinished". When only the basic four are open, I can run away with impunity and come back an hour or two later because I feel bored and then I remember the other things I have to do. When more tabs are opened, I feel like I have to be doing something with them, yet I only end up adding more tabs as I clear older ones out, which makes it more difficult to get away from.
Okay, enough babble. I need to hit UPS, and then hang out with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bookwench2096 for the first time in ages. Something social, for once, hooray!
I'm in the "overwhelmed" portion of the hormones program right now. Two days a month I feel like the world is crushing me and I have so many things to do and I get very very anxious because I'm not doing anything I should be doing and I feel this horrible time deficiency that makes me mental. (And of course, what do I do? Play on the internet.)
I mean, seriously, as good as the internet has been for my writing, it has really wreaked havoc on the rest of my life, if I'm being honest (er, perhaps over-honest, I'm in melodrama mode, remember). I haven't been crafting, really, I haven't been working on my website, and I keep doing just the bare minimum that needs to be done. Sure, I used to spend hours upon hours playing video games, and I've always had this propensity to put things off until the last minute, but this has been a bigger drain than anything before, even counting Civilization on the Amiga.
I hate doing the "I'm going to make myself stick to a schedule" thing. I hate saying "I will only be online for 2.6 hours tonight". Part of what I do on the computer is eBay stuff, which is totally business related, and of course then there's the whole photo thing...I need to burn a bunch of photos and do a few other odds and ends online. So I can't totally regiment it, and I'm not good with that anyway.
Still, I wish I could squeak out even five hours of crafting a week. Maybe five hours of doing proactive business things.
I think it comes down to the fact that I'm away so often. I become totally jealous of my home time, and I want to spend it doing things I enjoy very much, and just the thought of working while I'm at home sometimes fills me with...sadness? dread? I don't know. I do love working at home, eBay has been the best thing evah...
I think I have to change the way I browse, honestly. I have this OCD thing that goes along with Firefox. I always have four tabs open, two for email, one for eBay, and one for the fpage, and as I discover stories/entries to comment upon/cool links I open them in their own tabs, and deal with them one at a time. The problem happens when I have too many tabs open, and I feel like it's "unfinished". When only the basic four are open, I can run away with impunity and come back an hour or two later because I feel bored and then I remember the other things I have to do. When more tabs are opened, I feel like I have to be doing something with them, yet I only end up adding more tabs as I clear older ones out, which makes it more difficult to get away from.
Okay, enough babble. I need to hit UPS, and then hang out with
bookwench2096 for the first time in ages. Something social, for once, hooray!![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-28 11:01 pm (UTC)Everything you say rings true for me as well. Too true, in fact! I'm just feeling pretty overwhelmed, yet instead of doing rational, proactive things to remove the excess stress, I do what I've always done: wait until the last minute and scramble to get things done. I'm really starting to get irritated by this lifestyle, though. Seriously.
Part of what hinders me is perfectionism. Whatever I need to get done, I think I should do in the safest and most efficient and most thorough manner. Which means I never do anything, because I'm still considering the best method, and then at the very last moment I spring into action and do it, though not as well as I should have. It's very frustrating.
I open tabs, and I hate "missing out" on good writing, so now I just bookmark stories sometimes to take some of the pressure off and close tabs.
However, essays and fandom stuff needs to be read and discussed sooner, so that stuff ends up lagging behind because I can't just bookmark it and read it later. (With stories, I think authors/artists don't care how late the feedback is.)
Thanks for your comments. It's good to know I'm not the only one like this! :)
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-29 07:20 am (UTC)Perfectionism can be a real hindrance. *nods* What annoys me to no end is that I tend to turn everything into an obligation. I start with something that is fun, and I end with a to do list and a project plan.
About two years ago I realised that this was blocking my work. I was procrastinating so much at that time, it was disturbing me a lot, because I always used to be on time with my plans when I was younger. I still got my things done, but I felt very bad about this "lagging behind my time schedule". Then, about one year ago, I realised that this was all a part of a bigger set: I needed more and regular creativity in my life, aside from performance. So I started to be more relaxed about taking time to write, and suddenly, I was writing stories instead of poems. Now, a year later, I feel that I start organising my creativity again, with lists and such.
It's like those two parts of my personality are still in a tug-of-war, instead of accepting each other's ability to care for me. Everything in life seems to come down to "balance" in the end. How can I organise my time into scheduled parts and free time? And how can I then switch from one part to the other? Is creativity something that can be scheduled? I hate the state I have now, because I don't get enough done, or at least not in the quality standard that I want it to have. And I bluntly refuse to let go of my writing again, like I did in all those years before. *clings to her stories*
I am determined to find a solution, and soon, because otherwise the rest of the year is going to kill me. I have often found that taking the time to plan is actually giving me a lot of time back, because I know where I'm going and why. Getting proactive. So maybe LJ wise that will mean concentrating on people instead of stories. I have also thought about concentrating on one author at a time and ignoring the rest. But then, it's so much fun to squee together with a friend over a well written story. And it's the illusion of a perfectionist to believe that I could read every good story and comment on it. In the end, it's the people that matter.
Again such a long comment. Thank you for listening. &hearts