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Aug. 28th, 2006 01:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
valis2Same old dementia.
I'm in the "overwhelmed" portion of the hormones program right now. Two days a month I feel like the world is crushing me and I have so many things to do and I get very very anxious because I'm not doing anything I should be doing and I feel this horrible time deficiency that makes me mental. (And of course, what do I do? Play on the internet.)
I mean, seriously, as good as the internet has been for my writing, it has really wreaked havoc on the rest of my life, if I'm being honest (er, perhaps over-honest, I'm in melodrama mode, remember). I haven't been crafting, really, I haven't been working on my website, and I keep doing just the bare minimum that needs to be done. Sure, I used to spend hours upon hours playing video games, and I've always had this propensity to put things off until the last minute, but this has been a bigger drain than anything before, even counting Civilization on the Amiga.
I hate doing the "I'm going to make myself stick to a schedule" thing. I hate saying "I will only be online for 2.6 hours tonight". Part of what I do on the computer is eBay stuff, which is totally business related, and of course then there's the whole photo thing...I need to burn a bunch of photos and do a few other odds and ends online. So I can't totally regiment it, and I'm not good with that anyway.
Still, I wish I could squeak out even five hours of crafting a week. Maybe five hours of doing proactive business things.
I think it comes down to the fact that I'm away so often. I become totally jealous of my home time, and I want to spend it doing things I enjoy very much, and just the thought of working while I'm at home sometimes fills me with...sadness? dread? I don't know. I do love working at home, eBay has been the best thing evah...
I think I have to change the way I browse, honestly. I have this OCD thing that goes along with Firefox. I always have four tabs open, two for email, one for eBay, and one for the fpage, and as I discover stories/entries to comment upon/cool links I open them in their own tabs, and deal with them one at a time. The problem happens when I have too many tabs open, and I feel like it's "unfinished". When only the basic four are open, I can run away with impunity and come back an hour or two later because I feel bored and then I remember the other things I have to do. When more tabs are opened, I feel like I have to be doing something with them, yet I only end up adding more tabs as I clear older ones out, which makes it more difficult to get away from.
Okay, enough babble. I need to hit UPS, and then hang out with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bookwench2096 for the first time in ages. Something social, for once, hooray!
I'm in the "overwhelmed" portion of the hormones program right now. Two days a month I feel like the world is crushing me and I have so many things to do and I get very very anxious because I'm not doing anything I should be doing and I feel this horrible time deficiency that makes me mental. (And of course, what do I do? Play on the internet.)
I mean, seriously, as good as the internet has been for my writing, it has really wreaked havoc on the rest of my life, if I'm being honest (er, perhaps over-honest, I'm in melodrama mode, remember). I haven't been crafting, really, I haven't been working on my website, and I keep doing just the bare minimum that needs to be done. Sure, I used to spend hours upon hours playing video games, and I've always had this propensity to put things off until the last minute, but this has been a bigger drain than anything before, even counting Civilization on the Amiga.
I hate doing the "I'm going to make myself stick to a schedule" thing. I hate saying "I will only be online for 2.6 hours tonight". Part of what I do on the computer is eBay stuff, which is totally business related, and of course then there's the whole photo thing...I need to burn a bunch of photos and do a few other odds and ends online. So I can't totally regiment it, and I'm not good with that anyway.
Still, I wish I could squeak out even five hours of crafting a week. Maybe five hours of doing proactive business things.
I think it comes down to the fact that I'm away so often. I become totally jealous of my home time, and I want to spend it doing things I enjoy very much, and just the thought of working while I'm at home sometimes fills me with...sadness? dread? I don't know. I do love working at home, eBay has been the best thing evah...
I think I have to change the way I browse, honestly. I have this OCD thing that goes along with Firefox. I always have four tabs open, two for email, one for eBay, and one for the fpage, and as I discover stories/entries to comment upon/cool links I open them in their own tabs, and deal with them one at a time. The problem happens when I have too many tabs open, and I feel like it's "unfinished". When only the basic four are open, I can run away with impunity and come back an hour or two later because I feel bored and then I remember the other things I have to do. When more tabs are opened, I feel like I have to be doing something with them, yet I only end up adding more tabs as I clear older ones out, which makes it more difficult to get away from.
Okay, enough babble. I need to hit UPS, and then hang out with
bookwench2096 for the first time in ages. Something social, for once, hooray!![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-29 07:20 am (UTC)Perfectionism can be a real hindrance. *nods* What annoys me to no end is that I tend to turn everything into an obligation. I start with something that is fun, and I end with a to do list and a project plan.
About two years ago I realised that this was blocking my work. I was procrastinating so much at that time, it was disturbing me a lot, because I always used to be on time with my plans when I was younger. I still got my things done, but I felt very bad about this "lagging behind my time schedule". Then, about one year ago, I realised that this was all a part of a bigger set: I needed more and regular creativity in my life, aside from performance. So I started to be more relaxed about taking time to write, and suddenly, I was writing stories instead of poems. Now, a year later, I feel that I start organising my creativity again, with lists and such.
It's like those two parts of my personality are still in a tug-of-war, instead of accepting each other's ability to care for me. Everything in life seems to come down to "balance" in the end. How can I organise my time into scheduled parts and free time? And how can I then switch from one part to the other? Is creativity something that can be scheduled? I hate the state I have now, because I don't get enough done, or at least not in the quality standard that I want it to have. And I bluntly refuse to let go of my writing again, like I did in all those years before. *clings to her stories*
I am determined to find a solution, and soon, because otherwise the rest of the year is going to kill me. I have often found that taking the time to plan is actually giving me a lot of time back, because I know where I'm going and why. Getting proactive. So maybe LJ wise that will mean concentrating on people instead of stories. I have also thought about concentrating on one author at a time and ignoring the rest. But then, it's so much fun to squee together with a friend over a well written story. And it's the illusion of a perfectionist to believe that I could read every good story and comment on it. In the end, it's the people that matter.
Again such a long comment. Thank you for listening. &hearts