I haven't done one of these in a while...

[valis2]

Behold...another TV Guide horror.



A wonderfully whimsical clock sculpture featuring the delightful M&M's Characters happily running their very own chocolate factory.

Any time is a good time for M&M's!

There's nothing as sweet as M&M's Brand Chocolate Candies! Now you can acquire a beautifully designed clock sculpture showcasing all of your favorite M&M's Characters working 'round the clock to sweeten your day! Presenting...the M&M's Collector Clock.

Bursting with scrumptious details! For your wall or desk.

This mouth-watering creation is expertly crafted of cold-cast porcelain, and the irresistible M&M's "Spokescandies" are meticulously hand painted in bright, authentic colors. The clock features a genuine quartz movement and runs on one AA battery (included). It will look great on a wall or freestanding on any flat surface.

A sweet price. Order today!

You can treat yourself to the M&M's Collector Clock for $99, payable in three montly installments of just $33 (plus $7.80 total shipping and service). Satisfaction guaranteed. Order today!

---

The very first line warns us that we are stepping into a realm of horror.

Seriously. Let's look at the concept.

First of all, the factory is creating candy-coated chocolates, whose primary purpose is consumption by humans. The factory does look very cheerful. There are five large candy-coated chocolates, and we see many small, happy candy-coated chocolates emerging from the factory door. Two of the factory's turrets are tiled with more brightly colored candy-coated chocolates.

This is true horror, folks. Forget My Bloody Valentine (which, coincidentally, featured a character who gives another character a candy assortment with a little something extra thrown in, if you catch my drift). We have strayed into a twilight realm, a sugary Soylent Green, if you will.

Let me explain further, if you haven't quite put the pieces together. These candies are marching to their doom, oblivious to what awaits them.

It's even worse if you consider that they are being driven there by their own kin. The five large oppressor candies are taking raw ingredients, creating candies, and then breathing the breath of life into them. Once they are mobile, they are used to help create more of their brothers and sisters.

And then the five Candy Despots sell their little cousins by the truckload, fully aware of their fate.

It's not enough, either, that the sweet, innocent little candies are sealed into bags and carted onto cold, impassive shelves to be snatched up by grimy toddler fingers. The Candy Overlords flaunt their power by tiling the roof with their minature companions, in full view of the workers. If that's not pure evil, I just don't know what is.

ETA: jen_deben points out that there are poor souls nailed to the clock, whom she suspects were rabble-rousers who were Made An Example Of.

Even more ETA: seaislewitch mentions that The orange one in the front sort of has a grimace, like he's sorry for the sins he is about to commit. Orange has a conscience! Long live the revolution!

Other TV Guide horrors

Comments

[artystone.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, seeing "whimsical" in any description is as good as flashing red light and klaxon.

Just where would someone put that in a house? You'd think maybe a kids room at first until you actually look at the thing--stuff of nightmares!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

They are toiling to make their fellows into foodstuffs.

Brrr. This concept has always bothered me.

No anthropomorphic food!

[artystone.livejournal.com]

I've had a problem with M&M ads since those, um, characters appeared because of that.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I hate it when they animate food. It's food! Stop it! I don't want talking cows, Jamaican limes doing backflips into Diet Coke, or screaming sausages.

[iamrighthere.livejournal.com]

The horror! Like that TV show I watched years ago that showed a pig living in the house with its owners and partaking of a bacon-and-egg breakfast!

Or something like that...

And I have to agree w/artystone...where would you put this thing in the house? I would buy it for my artist friends because they would find it "ironic," but for the plaid-sofa rest of us? Frightening.

Thanks for sharing.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

A pig? Eating breakfast including bacon?!! That's insane!

The sad thing is, you know somebody out there is buying this. I knew a guy once who adored M&M's, and loved the mechanical M&M spewing machines. Ugh.

[iamrighthere.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Very insane in a Soylent Green kinda way.

A really cool thing to do would be to contact the manufacturer of the M&M Gates of Doom thing and ask them for info on sales. What would it mean if it sold best in, say, the southwest, or if mostly men purchased it? One has to wonder.

[morricone1900.livejournal.com]

There's that current commercial going on these days for some drug to help people with insomnia. In the commercial the sleepy guy walks into his kitchen in the middle of the night and Abraham Lincoln, a beaver and an astronaut are all hanging out in there (they are supposedly his dreams, and they miss him).

But the weird thing is that the beaver is holding a knife over what looks like a plate of bacon -- he never actually eats any, or ever puts the knife on the plate (it hovers the whole time over the plate). At first I thought maybe it was some kind of fish on the plate, but it really looks like bacon on my TV. Can anybody figure this out? It's WAY creepy....

[xanthophyllippa.livejournal.com]

I think it's a not-particularly-appetizing slice of pizza.

[lady-branwyn.livejournal.com]

I fondly remember the entry about the holiday village wreath designed by Thomas Kinkaide, Painter of Shite. We let our subscription to TV Guide lapse, but I do miss the advertisements. My favorites are the dolls that look just like living babies. Who is the intended market for these? They are too big (and expensive) for a small child to play with. Maybe they are intended to be surrogate children for adults? Amazingly lifelike! They always creeped me out.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

You remember those?! Hee!!

And you must be prescient, seriously, because one of the other ads I have on the back burner is the life size Shirley Temple doll. ha!!

I always go to the ads first when I get my TV Guide. For a brief period of time I was horrified because when they switched to the new format they stopped putting cards in for a few weeks, but now they're back to their old, horrifying ways. ha!!

[lady-branwyn.livejournal.com]

And you must be prescient

Great minds think alike!
:-D

Oh, I hated the new TV Guide format. Big, floppy thing. I think it was the last straw.

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

Life size dolls were really popular in the 50's. They were about 36" tall, so they would be a "playmate" for a girl of about 3-4. The best ones could "walk" if you held their hands and pulled them forward.

There was a Shirley Temple made in that size, and the ad was probably for a reproduction of her, as they are coming out with reproductions for a lot of the better dolls of the 40s-50s.

I have 2 playmate size dolls. They fit into my daughter's hand me downs. *grin*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's exactly what it is! The repro Shirley Temple scary I think I could kill you doll.

Brrr!!

I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it up, but honestly, it's in the pile.

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

Doll collectors buy those. They display them. I don't care for them, but there is a whole hobby that takes off-the-shelf baby dolls and repaints and restuffs them to make them lifelike. The results are works of art.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

... and makes them even creepier! lol

[gmonkey42.livejournal.com]

This is the most awesome thing ever. I wish I were a Candy Overlord.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

roflmao!!

And that's an adorable lil Delirium. *lurves*

I'm not sure I want to be a Candy Overlord. Though if I could be Green, who is clearly the Entertainer of the group, it might not be too bad. She just has to fan off the candies as they are coated in hot, liquid yum.

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

I'm glad someone else appreciates it in this frenzy of tongue-in-cheek wordly cynicism.

(I have a healthy appetite for kitsch)

[corvus-coronis.livejournal.com]

Someone on my f/list once posted a story about when her family kept mice for a while. They turned so completely cannibal (in spite of being very well fed) that in the end, there were only several male mice and once old & pregnant female left. It seemed like they'd using her as a meat factory i.e harvesting the babies for food. Eventually, they got sick of waiting & ate her anyway ... *looks up at the m&ms and imag9nes big, sinister Mickey ears on them*

Ps -Can I link this in my journal? Pretty please?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am so completely traumatized now. *laughs* That's why I don't raise mice, apparently.

And of course, link away!

[seaislewitch.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's so horrifying! And that poor female!

[todayiamadaisy]

It's the M&M roof that does it for me, I think, although the whole thing is disturbing on several levels...

... not least that I want one! :-)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

OH NOES! You can't be serious! Think of the oppression that you'd be perpetuating...hee!

[jen-deben.livejournal.com]

How festive! Brightly painted ghouls, just in time for Hallowe'en!

(Oh, and you forgot to mention those poor souls nailed to the clock. I suspect they were rabble-rousers who were Made An Example Of.)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I totally missed those!!!

*edits entry*

I've been saving this one for ages. I knew it would be fun!

[morricone1900.livejournal.com]

If it wasn't so expensive, I'd get one for my Mom. Weirdly enough I somehow feel she'd enjoy this thing. She seems to find amusement in elaborate themed chachkes. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Your poor mother! *laughs* My grandmother would be completely gaga for it, as well. Her house is a monument to bric-a-brac already. ;)

[seaislewitch.livejournal.com]

This is horrifying! The orange one in the front sort of has a grimace, like he's sorry for the sins he is about to commit.

So now, I'm going to walk into some house one day, and IT will be there! I will seriously be on the floor dying!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Hahaha!! Orange has a conscience!! *runs off to edit entry*

You will be totally cracking up, and you'll have to pretend it's because you just "remembered a joke." haha!!

[innerslytherin]

*cracks up* OMG you are SO right! *snickers*

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, anytime you need me to translate the True Meaning of TV Guide Ads, feel free to call. *laughs*

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

Love this entry. Didn't get to post to it until now. heh heh heh

They're the Stalins of Candyland. uncandythink!

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Stalins of Candyland!!! bwahahaha!! Hilarious.

I love the TV Guide ads so much. I have a whole pile of them, waiting to be torn apart...*grins and rubs hands together in glee*