There are times

[valis2]

when I want to switch lives.

Sometimes I get jealous of other people who have sane, responsible adult lives. No, really. I am a total grasshopper, out in the sun and the snow, and worse yet, it's my own thinking and actions that have gotten me here.

I am really trying to make a life, and it's not working out, and I'm starting to see that I have some issues that are thwarting me.

I was home for FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT. What did I accomplish? Nothing beyond what I absolutely, positively had to do. I wasted a lot of time. My website is STILL not operational, and it's been five years! I have three years' worth of clothes and shoes (nice-quality) to sell on eBay--and I didn't list a thing!

I am totally procrastinating.

It's time to draw the line and make my life. I have less than a year before I attempt to buy a house. I must get my website going. Cafépress. EBay the clothing/shoes. And now I want to work on an Etsy shop. I meant to work on my children's series, and nothing happened. I wanted to at least write a chapter, if not two or three, for tLS.

All of those things I've been meaning to do MUST BE DONE so that I can see what my income level becomes with all things running concurrently. I absolutely must bring in at least $400 more per month than I'm making now. And I really want that house.

(Yeah, I did drag some videogame stuff out and sell it. And I did get ready to sell clothing, but didn't sell any. I'm pretty disappointed in myself--I did my usual, and not much more.)

I need to drag myself out of the credit card hole.

I need to get into a regular work schedule. My mind just cannot grasp this--I do have periods where I work like a crazy person, and then, almost as a spiteful thing, my mind rebells when I get home, and wants to play on the internet. It wants to jump from thing to thing, and if it doesn't feel like doing what I must do, it gets pouty, and disoriented, and I sit at my crafting desk and stare at things and get nothing whatsoever done.

How do people get past their own roadblocks? I haven't a clue. When all is said and done, I do work 40+ every week, but I should do more, definitely. And I must do more. I must get super organized so that I stop making stupid mistakes (or at least fewer stupid mistakes) and I have to try to pay attention.

The usual valis method:

1.) Have to do something? Okay, I will sit and think about it and think about it, trying to understand the whole situation so that I can attack it in the best, most efficient manner.
2.) Let's see...the job consists of parts A through G.
3.) Hmm. There are other things I must do in order to complete parts B and G. Therefore I will not start the project until I have B and G ready to go. Otherwise I will have half-finished things lying around, which I hate.
4.) Hmm. Part C isn't quite efficient enough. Something might break/fail. Must put everything on the backburner so that my mind can solve it later.
5.) Thinking about part C.
6.) Distracted (from one day to three years); might possibly complete part B and/or G, but probably not.
7.) MUST DO PROJECT. Time is almost up.
8.) Thinking about the project anew.
9.) Hmm. Must do things in order to complete parts B and G. (Finishes what is left)
10.) Hmm. Part C. Fucking bastard part C. I hate you.
11.) Asks family and friends for advice. Is dissatisfied--everyone has thought of the same solutions.
12.) DEADLINE LOOMS.
13.) Works on parts A through G in scattered fashion--completing parts A and D, then running to G, then back to B, then back to G, and so on, leaving C until last because I'm still freaking out about it.
14.) Frantically finishes everything, and works on part C in haphazard manner.
15.) Everything is finished, but contains stupid mistakes.

I am a procrastinating perfectionist, I have a touch of OCD, and my mind is constantly distracting me. Yes, I can focus sometimes, and I do--I'm able to do really boring detailed work when I'm at my day job for eight hours at a time--but at home? Argh! I just can't get back into a rhythm.

I think I'm just so used to dashing about in between time away that I have no idea how to work out my schedule when I'm home.

Now I'll try to think of positive things. I don't want to make myself obsess over the negative things. I have managed to get rid of three giant boxes of video game stuff, I've managed to prepare enough for the clothing listings that I will be able to list them as soon as I get home, I have sorted some merchandise I needed to sort (2/3 done, I'd say) and am ready for spring shows, I actually have sent off applications for spring shows, and I've managed to find a pair of shoes. And I put together an entire dress outfit for a wedding I went to in December. And I did shows while I was home, and I crafted several items, and I had a giveaway on the LJ, and I cleaned out bookcases because of the water leak. I also now have a new DVD player for the office, so theoretically I'll be able to craft and watch DVDs and not obsess so much over the crappy cable. And I am getting a new car stereo installed on Monday and new brakes on Tuesday, which I really need. I have made a little bit of progress on the children's series.

Thanks for letting me rant, flist. I needed that.

Comments

[privatemaladict.livejournal.com]

I'm a dreadful procrastinator, which is a very poor trait in somebody who has to do ridiculous amounts of study. When I feel things are really getting out of my control, the way I deal with it is to make a list of everything I need to accomplish - but making sure to break everything up into manageable goals. For example, "Study function and anatomy of brain" is a lot scarier than:

1) Study anatomy of brainstem
2) Study function of brainstem
3) Study anatomy of cerebellum
4) Make brief notes on function of cerebellum (which is terribly complicated, but rarely comes up in any sort of detail in exams)
5) Anatomy of cerebrum
6) Function of frontal lobe
7) function of temporal lobe
8) etc...

Broken up like this, it's just a series of small and fairly simple tasks - manageable goals. And if I find I'm still procrastinating, I try to set myself little deadlines. For instance, "I can't have lunch until I've done 1-5."

It is very hard and takes a lot of effort, but I think the trick is to break everything up into smaller tasks, and to be very clear with myself about what I want to accomplish in a given short period of time. Telling myself I want to be an expert on the function and anatomy of the brain by the end of the week isn't going to work, because I'll just end up putting it off until the end of the week. But telling myself I want to be an expert on the function and anatomy of the brainstem by lunchtime... that might actually work.

Also, make sure you have clear goals. For example, not just "Write TLS" as a task, but "Write 500 words today", or "Complete chapter today". That way you really know what you're aiming for.

Sorry if any of this is blindingly obvious. It took me years of university to figure out, so I thought I might share in case any of it helps.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I used to write lists with completely monumental tasks on them all the time--things like "Make website" which were completely useless.

And I'd also write the teeniest tiny details of other jobs.

I'm trying to get to the point where I can look at the list and not hyperventilate. I get this really awful panic, these thoughts of unhappiness about the list in general, and it makes me avoid it. So I have to force myself to stop doing that--it's horribly counter-productive. I guess I always worry that I've already done all of the "easy" things and now I'll have to do the hard things.

*sigh*

Thanks so much for the inspiration--it's good to try any trick to organize, you know?