There are times

[valis2]

when I want to switch lives.

Sometimes I get jealous of other people who have sane, responsible adult lives. No, really. I am a total grasshopper, out in the sun and the snow, and worse yet, it's my own thinking and actions that have gotten me here.

I am really trying to make a life, and it's not working out, and I'm starting to see that I have some issues that are thwarting me.

I was home for FOUR MONTHS STRAIGHT. What did I accomplish? Nothing beyond what I absolutely, positively had to do. I wasted a lot of time. My website is STILL not operational, and it's been five years! I have three years' worth of clothes and shoes (nice-quality) to sell on eBay--and I didn't list a thing!

I am totally procrastinating.

It's time to draw the line and make my life. I have less than a year before I attempt to buy a house. I must get my website going. Cafépress. EBay the clothing/shoes. And now I want to work on an Etsy shop. I meant to work on my children's series, and nothing happened. I wanted to at least write a chapter, if not two or three, for tLS.

All of those things I've been meaning to do MUST BE DONE so that I can see what my income level becomes with all things running concurrently. I absolutely must bring in at least $400 more per month than I'm making now. And I really want that house.

(Yeah, I did drag some videogame stuff out and sell it. And I did get ready to sell clothing, but didn't sell any. I'm pretty disappointed in myself--I did my usual, and not much more.)

I need to drag myself out of the credit card hole.

I need to get into a regular work schedule. My mind just cannot grasp this--I do have periods where I work like a crazy person, and then, almost as a spiteful thing, my mind rebells when I get home, and wants to play on the internet. It wants to jump from thing to thing, and if it doesn't feel like doing what I must do, it gets pouty, and disoriented, and I sit at my crafting desk and stare at things and get nothing whatsoever done.

How do people get past their own roadblocks? I haven't a clue. When all is said and done, I do work 40+ every week, but I should do more, definitely. And I must do more. I must get super organized so that I stop making stupid mistakes (or at least fewer stupid mistakes) and I have to try to pay attention.

The usual valis method:

1.) Have to do something? Okay, I will sit and think about it and think about it, trying to understand the whole situation so that I can attack it in the best, most efficient manner.
2.) Let's see...the job consists of parts A through G.
3.) Hmm. There are other things I must do in order to complete parts B and G. Therefore I will not start the project until I have B and G ready to go. Otherwise I will have half-finished things lying around, which I hate.
4.) Hmm. Part C isn't quite efficient enough. Something might break/fail. Must put everything on the backburner so that my mind can solve it later.
5.) Thinking about part C.
6.) Distracted (from one day to three years); might possibly complete part B and/or G, but probably not.
7.) MUST DO PROJECT. Time is almost up.
8.) Thinking about the project anew.
9.) Hmm. Must do things in order to complete parts B and G. (Finishes what is left)
10.) Hmm. Part C. Fucking bastard part C. I hate you.
11.) Asks family and friends for advice. Is dissatisfied--everyone has thought of the same solutions.
12.) DEADLINE LOOMS.
13.) Works on parts A through G in scattered fashion--completing parts A and D, then running to G, then back to B, then back to G, and so on, leaving C until last because I'm still freaking out about it.
14.) Frantically finishes everything, and works on part C in haphazard manner.
15.) Everything is finished, but contains stupid mistakes.

I am a procrastinating perfectionist, I have a touch of OCD, and my mind is constantly distracting me. Yes, I can focus sometimes, and I do--I'm able to do really boring detailed work when I'm at my day job for eight hours at a time--but at home? Argh! I just can't get back into a rhythm.

I think I'm just so used to dashing about in between time away that I have no idea how to work out my schedule when I'm home.

Now I'll try to think of positive things. I don't want to make myself obsess over the negative things. I have managed to get rid of three giant boxes of video game stuff, I've managed to prepare enough for the clothing listings that I will be able to list them as soon as I get home, I have sorted some merchandise I needed to sort (2/3 done, I'd say) and am ready for spring shows, I actually have sent off applications for spring shows, and I've managed to find a pair of shoes. And I put together an entire dress outfit for a wedding I went to in December. And I did shows while I was home, and I crafted several items, and I had a giveaway on the LJ, and I cleaned out bookcases because of the water leak. I also now have a new DVD player for the office, so theoretically I'll be able to craft and watch DVDs and not obsess so much over the crappy cable. And I am getting a new car stereo installed on Monday and new brakes on Tuesday, which I really need. I have made a little bit of progress on the children's series.

Thanks for letting me rant, flist. I needed that.

Comments

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I so badly wanted to write some while I was home--boy, that did not work out. Grrr!