Fie on emotions

[valis2]

I've been on an even keel for awhile now, happily moving forward, but now I find that I'm back in a very flat sea. I'm feeling very unhappy about everything, and it probably stems from a small issue at work that I took to heart, as I always did.

Believe me, I tried so VERY hard not to. I really did. Unfortunately, it continued past the shake-it-off stage. I have been trying to shake it off all day (and all last night), but somehow I feel like a little child who's done something wrong, and at the same time I feel like I didn't do anything wrong and I am being misunderstood. And it's such a small issue, indeed.

The problem is--perfectionism, hypersensitivity, overreacting, and magnification. I have so little stress at my day job that it's ridiculous. Seriously. So my rational brain wants to simply discard it as, well, the tiny thing that it is, and continue forward.

Unfortunately, I've regressed back into my old habits re: work at home. I accomplished very little. And very little over Easter weekend. And now I'm starting to feel the scary dread panic rising. It's very frustrating that I have many things to do--and a lot of them involve the computer, damnit--and yet I just sit here and refresh my flist, or play Battle for Middle Earth.

When I come back from trips, I'm motivated, I'm focused, I get things done. But the longer I stay home, the more I goof off. I do the things which must be done, but not much more. I always have clean clothes and the eBay listings go up; but the eBay listings are never improved, I never work out a nice HTML background/frame, I never get around to finishing my policy writeup...you get the picture. And today I had several things I could have done to make it easier for me in the coming month, and I didn't do any of them.

I'm just crashing, and the little work issue is a straw of sorts on top of the straws I've already piled. What I hate is that it fuels itself. I'll be home all day tomorrow, and I will loaf, while hating that I'm loafing, and yet loving the loafing. My list journal has been completely neglected and I'm back to square one, which means making lists when I'm not home. Which is counterproductive. I need to make lists and revise lists while I'm home.

I just feel blue. And it's so silly. I'm alive, after all, and I have many things to be happy about. But I just have these moments where I'm very much wah.

Thank goodness I can share it with you, flist. Just putting it into words helps.

Comments

[sylvadin.livejournal.com]

When's the last time you had an actual vacation?

You do lots of traveling, you go to shows, you work outside the home, you work at home, you run your own business, you...

...don't seem to have any regular time scheduled each week for simply decompressing and R&R'ing. Maybe you need to declare one day per week to be an official 'day of rest'.

One of the problems I've found with have a cottage industry is the fact that even when I'm 'home' I'm still at 'work' - there's always more cloaks waiting to be sewn, more fabric to wash and cut, more scraps to sort, more... If I spend too many days in a row working then my level of accomplishment each day starts dropping - instead of finishing another project, I start goofing off. It's because, at least on a subconscious level, my inner child is trying to tell me that the work is starting to feel 'endless' and that I need a play break desperately.

Might some of your productivity problem be in a similar vein?

[valis2.livejournal.com]

When's the last time you had an actual vacation?

Hmm...last year in August, I think.

Maybe you need to declare one day per week to be an official 'day of rest'.

Wow. That really is a great idea.

*thinks and thinks*

If I spend too many days in a row working then my level of accomplishment each day starts dropping - instead of finishing another project, I start goofing off.

That is exactly what happens here, too. This is really good advice. Really good advice. And I think my inner child is doing the same thing--she wants to play! haha!

I'm going to start seeing if I can do that. Because my problem seems to be the guilt factor--just like you, there are always things to be done. And I'm to the point where I think that any time I spend doing nothing is a waste, and that I should be doing x, y, and z...it's a trap, honestly.

Thank you so much--you always have something so interesting and relevant to add. You really understand my lifestyle so well.

*giant hugs*

[catsintheattic.livejournal.com]

I can only second that. Because I just have the same problem. My inner child and artist (I call her Miss Red) rebels and wants to play, but my inner perfectionist and workoholic (Miss Blue) insists on working, so I end up doing all kinds of stuff instead of that what is really important.

Over the last months I tried to establish what I call Days Without Date (DWD). Each day when I don't have an official appointment, I take some time off to do the things I want to do (like writing) and some time to do the things that are really important, but never get done because they don't scream into my face (like working on my vision and strategies). It worked, so far. But for the last month I simply had too many appointments and almost no time for the DWD. My next step should be to make room for a minimum number of DWD in each month, so that I even get time for the important stuff when I'm very busy.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

That's a very good idea, and could be very helpful. I am still thinking that I'll have issues with guilt (I always do, lol) but it is definitely worth a try.

Thank you so much for the advice! *hugs*